dead WAIT

last week, i was having an IM conversation with a close friend and she was gushing about the new guy in her life. she giddily shared with me the details of her budding feelings for this guy, as any person in a new relationship would, waxing poetic about all of the things that she adores about him and how he makes her feel. as i read my friend's comments, i was smiling outwardly, imagining the excitement in her voice (had we been having this conversation verbally), and then, as quickly as i smiled, i instantly burst into tears, overcome by a 'moment.' a moment that doesn't come as often as it used to (thank God), but still comes from time to time--a moment of wishing/hoping/wanting./missing feeling that way about someone, and having someone feel that way about me.

i've approached the topic of my 'Single Season' a few times on this blog, and have been all over the map with my feelings about it--sad, content, confused, angry, complacent. as i have passed the 5 year mark of being in any sort of meaningful relationship, and the 1 year mark of dating someone more-than-casually (and countless other months of not having a date at all, but hey, who's counting, lol!), my perspective has grown, changed, and been shaped by my current circumstance--a circumstance that gets to me from time to time, but one which i refuse to allow to negatively define me.

as i sat in church yesterday, my Pastor preached an awesome sermon on the story of Mary, Martha, and Lazarus. Lazarus, prior to his death was very sick and being cared for by Mary and Martha. He ultimately died, and was later resurrected by Jesus. When he was brought back to life and unwrapped from the linens that had clothed his dead body, he was a new and better man and a living witness to the power of God. His 'resurrection' set the stage for the Ultimate Resurrection to come.

while he was dead, though Mary & Martha mourned, they had to move on with life. they had to learn to live without Lazarus, and in that, they learned that they could indeed live without him. when he was brought back to life--better than he had been before--it was a testimony of the healing power that Jesus had, that He was who He said that He was. It also taught some timeless lessons that resonated within my spirit so deeply that it was confirmed what i had been feeling all along:

this season is to show me what i can live withOUT, in order that i might learn to receive that which will be given to me--when it is time.

people who haven't spoken to me in a while often ask me the proverbial question 'how's your love life?' depending on how i'm feeling that day, my response will differ, but admittedly, many times i've said "oh, it's pretty much dead/nonexistent.' i rarely date (not for lack of interest, but for lack of options) and i haven't been in a real relationship for quite some time. i've intimately/painfully learned what it means to yearn for the companionship of the opposite sex and not be able to have it, to have forgotten what it feels like to snuggle with, kiss, or gaze into someone's eyes lovingly. i've learned how hard celibacy is---especially for those who choose it for themselves. i've learned firsthand the simulataneous struggle & blessing for those like me who can admit that their celibacy is an involuntarily thing, while giving thanks for a voluntary God who ordained things this way!

and most of all, like Mary & Martha, i have learned that even in my roughest moments of mourning the death of romantic love in my life, i am ok.

i have learned to live without.

now, don't get me wrong: in saying that i've learned to live without, this is by no means a facade that i don't desire--i am human and i do yet still desire all of the things that i mentioned above. but, what i desire most is NOT to return to the place that i was before love 'died'--a place of wrong ppl/wrong decisions/wrong situations. THIS is my story. THIS is my song.....

i can confess that i don't always know what's best for me, which is why i am grateful for a loving God, family, and a handful of true friends who have my best interest at heart when my sight isn't very clear. even though i falter many times, i know without a shadow of a doubt that i trust God with all areas of my life, including this. i trust Him most of all to allow me see clearly the 'Reason for This Season' and to continue to send wisdom my way to help me through the rough spots, ever pressing towards what is on the other side, whether it is ultimately a relationship or just a joy-filled peace of mind.

all of us experience 'death' in our lives--physical death of loved ones, death of relationships, death of dreams. i watched two close friends lose their jobs almost a month ago and have been inspired by their grace in handling the uncertainty of the 'death' of their main means of income. in both situations, even in the moments of anxiety/anger/hurt, their unwavering trust in God, His plan, and His final say in the matter has been what has allowed them to stay focused and remain positive. that's admirable faith.

i share this blog--one of the more 'naked' ones i've written in a while-- to encourage each of you to trust God, anyhow. for whatever the 'death' you might be experiencing in your life--to know that He has something on the other side that will trump this current mourning season. to focus on the positive. to own and be ok with having 'moments' from time to time. to surround yourself with loving & encouraging ppl. and to keep running on to see what the end might be.

the best is yet to come!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rRwQy2eQbJM

even though i can’t see
and i can’t feel your touch
i will trust you lord
how i love you so much
though my nights my seem long
and i feel so alone
lord my trust is in you
i surrender to you

so many painful thoughts
travel through my mind
and i wonder how
i will make it through this time

but i trust you
lord it’s not easy
sometimes the pain in my life
makes you seem far away
but i’ll trust you
i need to know you’re here
through the tears and the pain
through the heartache and rain
i’ll trust you

everything that i see
tells me not to believe
but i’ll trust you lord
you have never failed me
my past still controls me
will this hurt ever leave?
i can only trust you
no one else like you do

so many painful thoughts
travel through my mind
and i wonder how
i will make it through this time

but i trust you
lord it’s not easy
sometimes the pain in my life
makes you seem far away
but i’ll trust you
i need to know you’re here
through the tears and the pain
through the heartache and rain
i’ll trust you