today finishes out what has been one of the better weekends that i've had this summer. friday was spent playing at the park with PC, saturday at the Chosen Few House Music picnic (whatchu know about a bazillion black folk who love House music BBQing, dancing, and just having a ball?), late night drinks at a local wine bar, and now a few hrs to myself as my sitter/family friend takes Sophia (voluntarily) to her church! life is good!
it also was a great weekend for me because in the midst of all of the fun times, i learned a huge lesson about myself and about my strength by being faced with one of my biggest fears.
for those of you who are from and/or live in chicago, you know how small the world is here. 6 degrees of separation are more like 3, and even less if you're in a Greek organization. PC's biofather and i met under 6 degrees-type circumstances. he is the fraternity brother of one of my sorority sister's grad school classmates and when we all met 5 years ago, we ran in a lot of the same circles and had many mutual friends/acquaintances. having been off 'the scene' for a few years since becoming a mom, i was rarely seeing these folk much, but as i've been venturing out more within the past few months, i have had increasing fear/anxiety about running into him while being out. over and over again, i've run into his friends, but surprisingly, have never seen him....until yesterday.
at the picnic, there were thousands of ppl...tent-upon-tent upon tent was set up, there was a huge stage with a DJ/performers, food vendors...a place where it was very easy NOT to run into someone that you WANTED to see, much less someone you didn't! yet, as i stood talking/laughing with a group of friends, i turned my head to the right, and saw him, unmistakably, in the distant. distant enough that he wasn't in earshot, but not so far that i didn't know exactly who he was.
i let out a little yelp which scared the mess out of one of the girls who was standing there who had no clue what was wrong with me. i turned to my friend and said to her "he's here" and she knew exactly who & what i was talking about. i've had near misses before where i thought i saw him somewhere, but it wasn't him. this time, it was the real deal.
it's hard sometimes for me to explain to folks where my anxiety around him comes from. i'm over the relationship (or the lack thereof) and was over that long PC came along. i'm not afraid of him in any way. i think that the anxiety stems from my own issues with 'seeing' people after a hurtful situation has ended. it bothers me and makes my stomach churn to see or run into folk if we've fallen out. i am Ms. Anti-awkward, so i'd just as soon never see the person again and not have that tension/weirdness/"differentness' between us than not.
Biofather and I haven't spoken in close to 3 years. He has chosen not to be involved in PC's life and to live as if she doesn't exist. So, in my instance, i think it is awkward x 1000 to be in the same space as him, under the current circumstances. but, what is the alternative--stay in the house? be a hermit? as my friend told me yesterday, "his choices can't have any bearing on you living your life. you both live here. you will see him. and you'll be ok."
as we exited the area where we were, my heart was palpitating and tears stung the backs of my eyes, yet i refused to cry. my friend held me by the arm and told me that i was going to walk in the direction of where he was (which was the exit) and i was going to do so with my head held high and my dignity intact. and, i did. and, i survived. i still don't know if he saw me (but we think that we did), but no matter b/c i emerged, relatively unscathed.
and i stared fear right in its (his) face.
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
soon and very soon....
....we are going to see the King. the words of the song that the choir sang as the casket containing MJ's remains was wheeled into the arena day keep playing over & over in my mind. a gentle reminder of how short this life is, how our concept of time--sooner or later--is but a whisper in the eyes of God, and how truly someone can be here today & gone tomorrow.
i, like most of the world, mourned MJ today as he was laid to rest. i wept openly while watching the televised with a friend, my tears a surreal mixture of sorrow & joy as i listened to his music, admired his photos, heard the tributes, and observed the raw grief of his family, especially his children. though it has been over a week since he passed, it is still very raw and very surreal. i almost expect to wake up tomorrow and this to be some sort of bad dream. but, alas, having "attended" his memorial service today via satellite, the grieving process truly begins and we realize that he is really gone from us--absent from his body, but present with God.
as we all know, MJJ was an awesome entertainer--album after album produced hit after hit from his Jackson 5 days to his last album Invincible. though i never had the opportunity to see him live, i've watched him on television over the years and was always amazed by his command of the stage and his ability to connect with his fan base of all races/colors/creeds. ppl who could barely speak English in faraway lands loved & emulated MJ. he crossed any and every boundary that was put in his way and the poor kid from Gary, IN became an international superstar.
but beyond MJ's innumerable talents in the music industry, my heart is even heavier today because i firmly believe that MJ was the closest person that our generation will see to someone who truly worked hard to show the love of God to his fellow man. here is an excerpt of something i posted on a listserv that i am a member of earlier today:
Michael Jackson was the closest thing that this generation will probably ever see of someone who suffered so to advance the cause of Christ in this world. His loving heart, altruistic manner, and deep CONCERN & COMPASSION for the least of these in society--children, the poor, the sick, the downtrodden, the forgotten. As many of the speakers mentioned today, Michael--in his walk, in his talk, in his actions--personified the love of God here on Earth. He wasn't just a "singer and dancer" (as this idiot on MSNBC just said), he was a humanitarian, a philanthropist who made millions and gave away millions to make this world a better place.
He carried the 'cross' proudly--of being a softhearted person, one who loved ppl unconditionally and probably gave some folks too many chances. How many of us can say in our own lives that daily we are walking in that kind of love, that we are creating that kind of legacy, that we are impacting ppl in our own communities, heck, our own households, in that same manner??
MJJ was a GIFT, a gift that we will NEVER see on this side of eternity again. He was a rare jewel that kept on running, despite ALL of the muck, mire, evil and demonic things that were thrown his way. Many of us could never begin to imagine how much PAIN he was in for all these years--emotionally and otherwise--and all he wanted to do was LOVE humanity.
--
talking about this topic with a couple of ppl earlier today, we continued to come to the same conclusion--we know that those who do good in this world--this world that is full of light, but also full of sooo much darkness--will be persecuted. they will be kicked, lied to/about, talked about, mistreated. if they did it to Jesus, you best believe that they'll do it you and they'll do it to me.
but, let us look at MJ as an example of rising up against adversity. as someone who, as his favorite song said, could 'smile even though his heart was aching.' who NEVER stopped loving ppl even when his pure love was used as a weapon to attempt to destroy him.
we must, we must, we MUST continue to LOVE ANYWAY. we must continue to be witnesses for the redemptive love of God. we must continue to pray for one another--especially those who are enemies/hurt us. we must continue to ask God to cloak us in a banner of compassion & forgiveness towards others.
we must think about our legacies. if you were taken out of here tomorrow, what would folk say about YOU? what are you leaving behind? whose lives have you touched in a positive way? what example have you been to yourself, your children, those you don't even know?
beloved, it's time to GET RIGHT. it's time to GET RIGHT with yourself and start doing that difficult work of cleaning out the broken/ugly places and asking God to fix them--he who is set free is free indeed! it's time to GET RIGHT with ppl around you--apologizing, reconciling, healing broken relationships with friends & family members, letting go of grudges. it's time to GET RIGHT with this world: if you have a talent and calling on your life, stop running! start making strides to launch that thing, whatever that 'thing' is.
it's time to GET RIGHT.
we lost an angel today that, in his lifetime, did all that he was called to do, leaving behind gifts that will live on for generations to come.
what will your legacy be? what will your epitaph say?
for all our sake, let us hope it says "well done."
i, like most of the world, mourned MJ today as he was laid to rest. i wept openly while watching the televised with a friend, my tears a surreal mixture of sorrow & joy as i listened to his music, admired his photos, heard the tributes, and observed the raw grief of his family, especially his children. though it has been over a week since he passed, it is still very raw and very surreal. i almost expect to wake up tomorrow and this to be some sort of bad dream. but, alas, having "attended" his memorial service today via satellite, the grieving process truly begins and we realize that he is really gone from us--absent from his body, but present with God.
as we all know, MJJ was an awesome entertainer--album after album produced hit after hit from his Jackson 5 days to his last album Invincible. though i never had the opportunity to see him live, i've watched him on television over the years and was always amazed by his command of the stage and his ability to connect with his fan base of all races/colors/creeds. ppl who could barely speak English in faraway lands loved & emulated MJ. he crossed any and every boundary that was put in his way and the poor kid from Gary, IN became an international superstar.
but beyond MJ's innumerable talents in the music industry, my heart is even heavier today because i firmly believe that MJ was the closest person that our generation will see to someone who truly worked hard to show the love of God to his fellow man. here is an excerpt of something i posted on a listserv that i am a member of earlier today:
Michael Jackson was the closest thing that this generation will probably ever see of someone who suffered so to advance the cause of Christ in this world. His loving heart, altruistic manner, and deep CONCERN & COMPASSION for the least of these in society--children, the poor, the sick, the downtrodden, the forgotten. As many of the speakers mentioned today, Michael--in his walk, in his talk, in his actions--personified the love of God here on Earth. He wasn't just a "singer and dancer" (as this idiot on MSNBC just said), he was a humanitarian, a philanthropist who made millions and gave away millions to make this world a better place.
He carried the 'cross' proudly--of being a softhearted person, one who loved ppl unconditionally and probably gave some folks too many chances. How many of us can say in our own lives that daily we are walking in that kind of love, that we are creating that kind of legacy, that we are impacting ppl in our own communities, heck, our own households, in that same manner??
MJJ was a GIFT, a gift that we will NEVER see on this side of eternity again. He was a rare jewel that kept on running, despite ALL of the muck, mire, evil and demonic things that were thrown his way. Many of us could never begin to imagine how much PAIN he was in for all these years--emotionally and otherwise--and all he wanted to do was LOVE humanity.
--
talking about this topic with a couple of ppl earlier today, we continued to come to the same conclusion--we know that those who do good in this world--this world that is full of light, but also full of sooo much darkness--will be persecuted. they will be kicked, lied to/about, talked about, mistreated. if they did it to Jesus, you best believe that they'll do it you and they'll do it to me.
but, let us look at MJ as an example of rising up against adversity. as someone who, as his favorite song said, could 'smile even though his heart was aching.' who NEVER stopped loving ppl even when his pure love was used as a weapon to attempt to destroy him.
we must, we must, we MUST continue to LOVE ANYWAY. we must continue to be witnesses for the redemptive love of God. we must continue to pray for one another--especially those who are enemies/hurt us. we must continue to ask God to cloak us in a banner of compassion & forgiveness towards others.
we must think about our legacies. if you were taken out of here tomorrow, what would folk say about YOU? what are you leaving behind? whose lives have you touched in a positive way? what example have you been to yourself, your children, those you don't even know?
beloved, it's time to GET RIGHT. it's time to GET RIGHT with yourself and start doing that difficult work of cleaning out the broken/ugly places and asking God to fix them--he who is set free is free indeed! it's time to GET RIGHT with ppl around you--apologizing, reconciling, healing broken relationships with friends & family members, letting go of grudges. it's time to GET RIGHT with this world: if you have a talent and calling on your life, stop running! start making strides to launch that thing, whatever that 'thing' is.
it's time to GET RIGHT.
we lost an angel today that, in his lifetime, did all that he was called to do, leaving behind gifts that will live on for generations to come.
what will your legacy be? what will your epitaph say?
for all our sake, let us hope it says "well done."
Monday, July 6, 2009
by accident...on purpose....
last week, i returned from vacation to an empty refrigerator and a growling belly. when i woke up on Wednesday (still quite fatigued), i decided to pull myself together and make a Target run. after returning home, i began unpacking my bags and noticed something in the bottom of one of the bags--it turned out to be a paper sleeve that contained a woman's driver's license, credit card, and ATM card. i was perplexed, not knowing how it had ended up in my bag, but i immediately posted a message on my Sorority listserv thinking that, out of 3000+ ppl, somebody in Chicago HAD to know this person. after getting no response, i tried Facebook. Lo and behold, she had a page, so I sent her a friend request with a short message saying that i had found her items and wanted to return to her. i hoped & prayed that she'd get the message and reach out.
she got the message that evening and sent me a message--she was beyond elated! she had torn up her house looking for her items, panicked and disheveled, and couldn't figure out where she might have lost them. she generally checked her email once a day and had already checked it for that day, but something told her (she believes that it was the nudging of the HS) to check her email again, and that is where my message was. when she wrote me, she was so happy & relieved and spoke many blessings/favor over my life for my act of kindness. i thanked her and was humbled by the kind words she spoke. i told her that i just wanted to do the right thing and return the items to the rightful owner, and that i was glad that they ended up in my hands and not that of a thief.
busy holiday weekends on both our ends precluded us from meeting until today, but when we finally did, i was very glad. ppl tease me about being a 'friendster,' but i thoroughly enjoy connecting with ppl--hearing their stories, their hopes/dreams, triumphs/challenges and how God has worked in their life. there was soooo much more to the story than what she had initially shared when we spoke via FB and phone, and i was inspired by what she shared with me about her testimony & her faith. she encouraged me and i, in turn encouraged her.
it reminded me of a story that my friend/fellow blogger told me. she encountered a woman who had fallen in the street in the hustle-and-bustle of downtown Chicago. as this woman lay in pain awaiting an ambulance, my friend stayed with her and comforted her while crowds just passed her by. she ended up running into this lady a few months later and the woman cried and cried, blessing God for my friend's act of kindness when everyone else just ignored her moment of distress.
i am one of those ppl who believes that nothing..NOTHING..happens by accident. our lives are a series of events & encounters--that challenge us, strengthen our character & resolve, and most of all, give us the opportunity to show love & compassion for others. we are faced daily with situations--big & small--that we can choose to either ignore or confront, never knowing how big an impact that just simply CARING can have on another person's life.
yesterday, my church service ended with the choir singing one of my favorite songs 'Available to You.' As tear streamed down my face, i thought back on the significant and seemingly insignificant ways that God has used me...and that God has used others in my life. my pastor's sentiment yesterday was simple--God can use ANYBODY! every single one of His disciples had an "issue' that the world would say "disqualified" them from service, yet He used them mightily.
maybe He won't use you to preach in foreign lands or write lots of books and gain critical acclaim.
but, perhaps He'll use to return someone's possessions that they've lost...or to comfort someone who is injured or hurting.
maybe it'll be by a kind word, a hug, or a phone call at just the right time.
however He chooses to use you, make yourself available. the possibilities are endless.
--check out the YouTube link below...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4i7z3ga0Fdo
she got the message that evening and sent me a message--she was beyond elated! she had torn up her house looking for her items, panicked and disheveled, and couldn't figure out where she might have lost them. she generally checked her email once a day and had already checked it for that day, but something told her (she believes that it was the nudging of the HS) to check her email again, and that is where my message was. when she wrote me, she was so happy & relieved and spoke many blessings/favor over my life for my act of kindness. i thanked her and was humbled by the kind words she spoke. i told her that i just wanted to do the right thing and return the items to the rightful owner, and that i was glad that they ended up in my hands and not that of a thief.
busy holiday weekends on both our ends precluded us from meeting until today, but when we finally did, i was very glad. ppl tease me about being a 'friendster,' but i thoroughly enjoy connecting with ppl--hearing their stories, their hopes/dreams, triumphs/challenges and how God has worked in their life. there was soooo much more to the story than what she had initially shared when we spoke via FB and phone, and i was inspired by what she shared with me about her testimony & her faith. she encouraged me and i, in turn encouraged her.
it reminded me of a story that my friend/fellow blogger told me. she encountered a woman who had fallen in the street in the hustle-and-bustle of downtown Chicago. as this woman lay in pain awaiting an ambulance, my friend stayed with her and comforted her while crowds just passed her by. she ended up running into this lady a few months later and the woman cried and cried, blessing God for my friend's act of kindness when everyone else just ignored her moment of distress.
i am one of those ppl who believes that nothing..NOTHING..happens by accident. our lives are a series of events & encounters--that challenge us, strengthen our character & resolve, and most of all, give us the opportunity to show love & compassion for others. we are faced daily with situations--big & small--that we can choose to either ignore or confront, never knowing how big an impact that just simply CARING can have on another person's life.
yesterday, my church service ended with the choir singing one of my favorite songs 'Available to You.' As tear streamed down my face, i thought back on the significant and seemingly insignificant ways that God has used me...and that God has used others in my life. my pastor's sentiment yesterday was simple--God can use ANYBODY! every single one of His disciples had an "issue' that the world would say "disqualified" them from service, yet He used them mightily.
maybe He won't use you to preach in foreign lands or write lots of books and gain critical acclaim.
but, perhaps He'll use to return someone's possessions that they've lost...or to comfort someone who is injured or hurting.
maybe it'll be by a kind word, a hug, or a phone call at just the right time.
however He chooses to use you, make yourself available. the possibilities are endless.
--check out the YouTube link below...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4i7z3ga0Fdo
Saturday, July 4, 2009
how do you find the words to say....?
it's been a while, loyal blog-readers, but i'm glad to be back! tomorrow officially marks the end of my vacation and what a lovely time that it's been. i just returned early Wednesday morning from a 5-day trip to LA, and since i've been back, i've been fortunate to sleep-in until unGodly hours, watch lots of TV, take a wonderful trip to the zoo, and pour out a little liquor/eat a little 'cue/dance a little in honor of MJ. i will place a much-needed cap on this week of respite by heading to my beloved house of worship tomorrow morning, with a heart on fire ready to praise God for safe travels, much-needed rest, and just for being who He is and bringing me this far, in spite of me.
my little PC took her first real vacation when we went to CA this past week--she went to the beach and built sandcastles, felt the cool water of the Pacific Ocean wash over her toes, swam in the rooftop pool at our hotel, spent time with my first cousin & his wife who just adore her, and just had an all-around wonderful time. she squealed with delight as she watched me upload the pictures to my laptop the other night, excitedly pointing out my cousin's dog Buford, the clear blue water of the pool, and her Beloved TeeTee who assisted her with the architecture/engineering of those great sandcastles in Santa Monica. those moments and memories will stay with me forever and i feel blessed to have been able to assist in providing them for her.
i've spoken on this blog before about car-thinking. back last fall when my daily commute to PC's then-preschool was upwards of 2 hours roundtrip, i had a LOT of time on my hands to think. i've always been a fan of roadtrips......even with the music blaring, i am free to relish in my own thoughts, probably a little bit too much...but it is a welcome departure from the hustle-and-bustle of my daily routine where my thoughts focus on where i have to be next and the quickest, most efficient way to get there and get 'er done vs. my feelings.
though i didn't take a road trip to CA, being away from work (only checking work emails 2 out of the 8 days i've been off), a long airplane ride, and time spent at home vacaying-from-the-vacay have given me a lot of time to think.... i went into the trip looking to hit the 'refresh' button. i had heavy weeks for the month or so preceding the trip---both at work & in my personal life--and, as trips go, i knew it would be a time for me....even for a few days....to escape.
and, escape, i did--to an extent.
but the freetime made me VERY pensive.
this year is more than half over. as i approach my 29th birthday in exactly 60 days (Lord-willing), i've been thinking back on all of the things that i've been thru/grown thru/learned over the past year, much of which has been chronicled in my blog at one time or another, as i started writing it last August. it amazes how much can happen in a year's span of time--how much joy, how much pain, how much loss, and how many gains. it's amazing how much damage can be done...and, conversely, how much edification can occur.
i got a phone message from a family member about 3 weeks ago. i haven't spoken to/heard from this family member in quite some time, and in their message, they said that they had been working on writing me a letter for a few months now, but presumably had not finished it/sent it, as i have never received anything.
as i've thought back on that voicemail message, i began to remember how much i used to enjoy writing & receiving letters. long before the days of emails, i would handwrite letters to out-of-town family members, friends, and penpals who i'd never met. i recall going to the store to pick out the perfect stationary, decorating the envelope with stickers, going to the Post Office to buy stamps. i remember the feeling of accomplishment when i would complete the letter and mail it off, and also the delight when i would receive a response. before email, there was a level of mystery--there was no 'return-receipt' to confirm whether someone received it, no delivery-confirmation on a Blackberry. there was no instantaneous reply. you sent the letter, trusted that the person received it, and waited for a response. there was an air of mystery and anticipation--one that, admittedly, is not completely lost with the advent of email...but just not the same.
my queue is full of letters that i need to write--mostly to just say hello or to say thank you. however, there are 2 letters that i need to--and have been needing to--- send and am having a hard time putting to paper. i am a writer and as a writer, i know intimately the power of both the spoken AND written word to build up...or tear down. i know what it means to misinterpret someone's intentions and not hear their heart... because i've done it. but, as a writer, i also know that the written word is where i am most comfortable--able to bare my soul in the way that i have been gifted.
i remember having a conversation with a fellow writer/blogger last fall. she was at a crossroads--ready to pen an email to a friend that she knew had the power to end the friendship based upon how she felt that the friend would receive it (she had been friends with this person for over 10 years). she knew in her heart that there were many things that she needed to say to her--none of them mean-spirited--but she also was well aware that things might not go over so well. she was essentially stuck, and taking a huge risk. she wrote. she pressed 'send.' she jumped. and it ended exactly as she had suspected--but in her heart of hearts, she felt that she had done the right thing out of sheer love & concern for her friend. and she rested with the notion that, if it were meant for them to come back together, they would...eventually.
i find myself at that crossroads now. these 2 letters--one to a family member who i love, and one to a very dear friend who i also love--loom over my head. i like letters, because, unlike email, there is no instantenous response. usually ppl sit down, digest, maybe go back and read again. i think in dealing with emotions we ought deal with them more like that--seeking first to understand, then be understood, without benefit of an off-the-cuff response that technology affords.
but, as with anything...there is always a risk--a risk that you'll be misunderstood, misread, misjudged. and, when those things come into play, there is often no turning back as far as the other party is concerned.
so, as i contemplate writing, i ponder this risk. i evaluate risk for a living--but have trouble taking certain risks in my own life.
many ppl throw around the statement 'speaking the truth in love' without really knowing what that means. i can distinctly tell the difference when a loved one/friend's "truth" is based upon their love for me...or, manifest from some other place. i guess that discernment comes from the heart that God gave me that tries VERY hard to love ppl in spite of, to read folk's fine print', that tries to believe the best in everyone. the heart that yearns to feel that reciprocity from all who i give it to (even though that is unrealistic).
i am certainly not perfect and have my 'ways' from time-to-time just like the next person, but if I have not love--HIS way--I have nothing.
God gave up His Son because of His love for us. He sent Him here to speak a Word of healing, redemption, and deliverance, knowing that He would ultimately be crucified because of His message. Jesus' words weren't always warm & fuzzy, but you always knew that the place where His guidance and His reproach sprung from was one of pure, unadulterated love for us and wanting nothing but the best for us.
I strive to be like Him, loving and wanting nothing but the best for those around me, especially family and friends.
And somehow figuring out just the right words to say that....even if it costs me the very thing/person(s) that I hold so dear.
my little PC took her first real vacation when we went to CA this past week--she went to the beach and built sandcastles, felt the cool water of the Pacific Ocean wash over her toes, swam in the rooftop pool at our hotel, spent time with my first cousin & his wife who just adore her, and just had an all-around wonderful time. she squealed with delight as she watched me upload the pictures to my laptop the other night, excitedly pointing out my cousin's dog Buford, the clear blue water of the pool, and her Beloved TeeTee who assisted her with the architecture/engineering of those great sandcastles in Santa Monica. those moments and memories will stay with me forever and i feel blessed to have been able to assist in providing them for her.
i've spoken on this blog before about car-thinking. back last fall when my daily commute to PC's then-preschool was upwards of 2 hours roundtrip, i had a LOT of time on my hands to think. i've always been a fan of roadtrips......even with the music blaring, i am free to relish in my own thoughts, probably a little bit too much...but it is a welcome departure from the hustle-and-bustle of my daily routine where my thoughts focus on where i have to be next and the quickest, most efficient way to get there and get 'er done vs. my feelings.
though i didn't take a road trip to CA, being away from work (only checking work emails 2 out of the 8 days i've been off), a long airplane ride, and time spent at home vacaying-from-the-vacay have given me a lot of time to think.... i went into the trip looking to hit the 'refresh' button. i had heavy weeks for the month or so preceding the trip---both at work & in my personal life--and, as trips go, i knew it would be a time for me....even for a few days....to escape.
and, escape, i did--to an extent.
but the freetime made me VERY pensive.
this year is more than half over. as i approach my 29th birthday in exactly 60 days (Lord-willing), i've been thinking back on all of the things that i've been thru/grown thru/learned over the past year, much of which has been chronicled in my blog at one time or another, as i started writing it last August. it amazes how much can happen in a year's span of time--how much joy, how much pain, how much loss, and how many gains. it's amazing how much damage can be done...and, conversely, how much edification can occur.
i got a phone message from a family member about 3 weeks ago. i haven't spoken to/heard from this family member in quite some time, and in their message, they said that they had been working on writing me a letter for a few months now, but presumably had not finished it/sent it, as i have never received anything.
as i've thought back on that voicemail message, i began to remember how much i used to enjoy writing & receiving letters. long before the days of emails, i would handwrite letters to out-of-town family members, friends, and penpals who i'd never met. i recall going to the store to pick out the perfect stationary, decorating the envelope with stickers, going to the Post Office to buy stamps. i remember the feeling of accomplishment when i would complete the letter and mail it off, and also the delight when i would receive a response. before email, there was a level of mystery--there was no 'return-receipt' to confirm whether someone received it, no delivery-confirmation on a Blackberry. there was no instantaneous reply. you sent the letter, trusted that the person received it, and waited for a response. there was an air of mystery and anticipation--one that, admittedly, is not completely lost with the advent of email...but just not the same.
my queue is full of letters that i need to write--mostly to just say hello or to say thank you. however, there are 2 letters that i need to--and have been needing to--- send and am having a hard time putting to paper. i am a writer and as a writer, i know intimately the power of both the spoken AND written word to build up...or tear down. i know what it means to misinterpret someone's intentions and not hear their heart... because i've done it. but, as a writer, i also know that the written word is where i am most comfortable--able to bare my soul in the way that i have been gifted.
i remember having a conversation with a fellow writer/blogger last fall. she was at a crossroads--ready to pen an email to a friend that she knew had the power to end the friendship based upon how she felt that the friend would receive it (she had been friends with this person for over 10 years). she knew in her heart that there were many things that she needed to say to her--none of them mean-spirited--but she also was well aware that things might not go over so well. she was essentially stuck, and taking a huge risk. she wrote. she pressed 'send.' she jumped. and it ended exactly as she had suspected--but in her heart of hearts, she felt that she had done the right thing out of sheer love & concern for her friend. and she rested with the notion that, if it were meant for them to come back together, they would...eventually.
i find myself at that crossroads now. these 2 letters--one to a family member who i love, and one to a very dear friend who i also love--loom over my head. i like letters, because, unlike email, there is no instantenous response. usually ppl sit down, digest, maybe go back and read again. i think in dealing with emotions we ought deal with them more like that--seeking first to understand, then be understood, without benefit of an off-the-cuff response that technology affords.
but, as with anything...there is always a risk--a risk that you'll be misunderstood, misread, misjudged. and, when those things come into play, there is often no turning back as far as the other party is concerned.
so, as i contemplate writing, i ponder this risk. i evaluate risk for a living--but have trouble taking certain risks in my own life.
many ppl throw around the statement 'speaking the truth in love' without really knowing what that means. i can distinctly tell the difference when a loved one/friend's "truth" is based upon their love for me...or, manifest from some other place. i guess that discernment comes from the heart that God gave me that tries VERY hard to love ppl in spite of, to read folk's fine print', that tries to believe the best in everyone. the heart that yearns to feel that reciprocity from all who i give it to (even though that is unrealistic).
i am certainly not perfect and have my 'ways' from time-to-time just like the next person, but if I have not love--HIS way--I have nothing.
God gave up His Son because of His love for us. He sent Him here to speak a Word of healing, redemption, and deliverance, knowing that He would ultimately be crucified because of His message. Jesus' words weren't always warm & fuzzy, but you always knew that the place where His guidance and His reproach sprung from was one of pure, unadulterated love for us and wanting nothing but the best for us.
I strive to be like Him, loving and wanting nothing but the best for those around me, especially family and friends.
And somehow figuring out just the right words to say that....even if it costs me the very thing/person(s) that I hold so dear.
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