it's been a while, loyal blog-readers, but i'm glad to be back! tomorrow officially marks the end of my vacation and what a lovely time that it's been. i just returned early Wednesday morning from a 5-day trip to LA, and since i've been back, i've been fortunate to sleep-in until unGodly hours, watch lots of TV, take a wonderful trip to the zoo, and pour out a little liquor/eat a little 'cue/dance a little in honor of MJ. i will place a much-needed cap on this week of respite by heading to my beloved house of worship tomorrow morning, with a heart on fire ready to praise God for safe travels, much-needed rest, and just for being who He is and bringing me this far, in spite of me.
my little PC took her first real vacation when we went to CA this past week--she went to the beach and built sandcastles, felt the cool water of the Pacific Ocean wash over her toes, swam in the rooftop pool at our hotel, spent time with my first cousin & his wife who just adore her, and just had an all-around wonderful time. she squealed with delight as she watched me upload the pictures to my laptop the other night, excitedly pointing out my cousin's dog Buford, the clear blue water of the pool, and her Beloved TeeTee who assisted her with the architecture/engineering of those great sandcastles in Santa Monica. those moments and memories will stay with me forever and i feel blessed to have been able to assist in providing them for her.
i've spoken on this blog before about car-thinking. back last fall when my daily commute to PC's then-preschool was upwards of 2 hours roundtrip, i had a LOT of time on my hands to think. i've always been a fan of roadtrips......even with the music blaring, i am free to relish in my own thoughts, probably a little bit too much...but it is a welcome departure from the hustle-and-bustle of my daily routine where my thoughts focus on where i have to be next and the quickest, most efficient way to get there and get 'er done vs. my feelings.
though i didn't take a road trip to CA, being away from work (only checking work emails 2 out of the 8 days i've been off), a long airplane ride, and time spent at home vacaying-from-the-vacay have given me a lot of time to think.... i went into the trip looking to hit the 'refresh' button. i had heavy weeks for the month or so preceding the trip---both at work & in my personal life--and, as trips go, i knew it would be a time for me....even for a few days....to escape.
and, escape, i did--to an extent.
but the freetime made me VERY pensive.
this year is more than half over. as i approach my 29th birthday in exactly 60 days (Lord-willing), i've been thinking back on all of the things that i've been thru/grown thru/learned over the past year, much of which has been chronicled in my blog at one time or another, as i started writing it last August. it amazes how much can happen in a year's span of time--how much joy, how much pain, how much loss, and how many gains. it's amazing how much damage can be done...and, conversely, how much edification can occur.
i got a phone message from a family member about 3 weeks ago. i haven't spoken to/heard from this family member in quite some time, and in their message, they said that they had been working on writing me a letter for a few months now, but presumably had not finished it/sent it, as i have never received anything.
as i've thought back on that voicemail message, i began to remember how much i used to enjoy writing & receiving letters. long before the days of emails, i would handwrite letters to out-of-town family members, friends, and penpals who i'd never met. i recall going to the store to pick out the perfect stationary, decorating the envelope with stickers, going to the Post Office to buy stamps. i remember the feeling of accomplishment when i would complete the letter and mail it off, and also the delight when i would receive a response. before email, there was a level of mystery--there was no 'return-receipt' to confirm whether someone received it, no delivery-confirmation on a Blackberry. there was no instantaneous reply. you sent the letter, trusted that the person received it, and waited for a response. there was an air of mystery and anticipation--one that, admittedly, is not completely lost with the advent of email...but just not the same.
my queue is full of letters that i need to write--mostly to just say hello or to say thank you. however, there are 2 letters that i need to--and have been needing to--- send and am having a hard time putting to paper. i am a writer and as a writer, i know intimately the power of both the spoken AND written word to build up...or tear down. i know what it means to misinterpret someone's intentions and not hear their heart... because i've done it. but, as a writer, i also know that the written word is where i am most comfortable--able to bare my soul in the way that i have been gifted.
i remember having a conversation with a fellow writer/blogger last fall. she was at a crossroads--ready to pen an email to a friend that she knew had the power to end the friendship based upon how she felt that the friend would receive it (she had been friends with this person for over 10 years). she knew in her heart that there were many things that she needed to say to her--none of them mean-spirited--but she also was well aware that things might not go over so well. she was essentially stuck, and taking a huge risk. she wrote. she pressed 'send.' she jumped. and it ended exactly as she had suspected--but in her heart of hearts, she felt that she had done the right thing out of sheer love & concern for her friend. and she rested with the notion that, if it were meant for them to come back together, they would...eventually.
i find myself at that crossroads now. these 2 letters--one to a family member who i love, and one to a very dear friend who i also love--loom over my head. i like letters, because, unlike email, there is no instantenous response. usually ppl sit down, digest, maybe go back and read again. i think in dealing with emotions we ought deal with them more like that--seeking first to understand, then be understood, without benefit of an off-the-cuff response that technology affords.
but, as with anything...there is always a risk--a risk that you'll be misunderstood, misread, misjudged. and, when those things come into play, there is often no turning back as far as the other party is concerned.
so, as i contemplate writing, i ponder this risk. i evaluate risk for a living--but have trouble taking certain risks in my own life.
many ppl throw around the statement 'speaking the truth in love' without really knowing what that means. i can distinctly tell the difference when a loved one/friend's "truth" is based upon their love for me...or, manifest from some other place. i guess that discernment comes from the heart that God gave me that tries VERY hard to love ppl in spite of, to read folk's fine print', that tries to believe the best in everyone. the heart that yearns to feel that reciprocity from all who i give it to (even though that is unrealistic).
i am certainly not perfect and have my 'ways' from time-to-time just like the next person, but if I have not love--HIS way--I have nothing.
God gave up His Son because of His love for us. He sent Him here to speak a Word of healing, redemption, and deliverance, knowing that He would ultimately be crucified because of His message. Jesus' words weren't always warm & fuzzy, but you always knew that the place where His guidance and His reproach sprung from was one of pure, unadulterated love for us and wanting nothing but the best for us.
I strive to be like Him, loving and wanting nothing but the best for those around me, especially family and friends.
And somehow figuring out just the right words to say that....even if it costs me the very thing/person(s) that I hold so dear.
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