so i headed to Cleveland yesterday to drop off PC for a couple of days with the Grandpeeps while i traveled to CO for the gig. i was talking to the Mother-ma-bob and she handed me a copy of a press release that her employer--the Post Office--had handed out to employees, detailing thousands of impending layoffs and over 100,000 offers of early retirement (but NO ca$h buyouts) for administrative and other staff. rumblings about PO layoffs have been milling about since last fall as the agency slipped deeper and deeper into debt, gas prices soared, and ppl continued to use electronic methods to send correspondence/pay bills, etc, decreasing the PO's revenues by BILLIONS of dollars.
my mother's job is relatively safe...she is 4 years from retirement and has 20+ years with the agency, so will survive this round, though she is *itching* to get bought out so she can chill and enjoy retirement and being a full-time Grandpeep. even still, it is certainly a rude awakening for her as this is the only job she had ever known and has never experienced anything but what the PO is known for--good wages, great benefits, and job security. layoffs? unheard of.
as i was talking to my friend about this tonight, we were exchanging stories about growing up in Post Office families. Her grandparents, mother, and uncle all worked for the PO at some point. along with my mom, two of my aunts and two of my uncles either currently work there or have worked there. the Post Office was one of those places that gave Black folk a slice of the American Dream. if college wasn't your 'thing' or your parents couldn't afford to send you, you could 'get on' with a job down at the PO.....work hard, get paid a nice wage--enough to buy a nice home, nice car, and pay your bills, and ultimately retire comfortably. i've grown up around it...remembering my mom waiting for me as a kid walking home from school and she would 'sneak' and give me a ride in the red/white/blue hatchback that served as her 'company car' to deliver mail on her routes...the childhood friends i made and grew up with--sons & daughters of her 'work friends' who she celebrated with and partied with...now all of us are adults, many are married and/or have our own kids. i remember getting a scholarship from the PO when i went to college and how proud i was of that. i remember (as nerdy as it sounds) always enjoying 'mailing' things...and receiving things in the mail....just going to the PO in general, even though the lines sometimes were sooo long. i still to this day LOVE mailing stuff, and find myself in the PO--long line or not--atleast 3 times a week.
so, as i read the press release, it made me say to myself 'wow' at how things have changed. even now, blue collar jobs are no longer 'safe' and all that our parents/grandparents worked for (including their 401(k)s) can be snatched out from under them in an instant. those of us who did the 'college thing' usually can go out and atleast be in the running for a replacement position if we lose the one we're at...but what about the folks who don't have the formal education and yet have worked somewhere for 20+ years? how do they get back in the job market...or do they? i've often asked my mom if she ever left the PO, what would she like to do? she didn't have an answer for me, and partially it was because, she told me, she had never really even thought about...or, heck, had a need to think about it.
i am sure that i am not alone as i reflect on how things have changed and how things will never be the same in this economy going forward. i am challenged to remain ever grateful for the blessings that i have and the opportunities that have been afforded to me by way of education and life experience. i remain indebted to the hard work of my family members over the years as they toiled to try to make a decent, comfortable life for myself and my cousins. and i am reminded that even those things that seem like they will last forever, most times don't...and we must be prepared.
we have no way to go but up...let's hope that the bottom gets here--and fast--so that we can start to see the upside of this challenging time.
Monday, March 23, 2009
Friday, March 20, 2009
six degrees.....
so, i'm just in from another GREAT nite with friends! tonite, was a local comedy club. i'm usually not a big fan of standup, but thought i would try something new...and, after the day i had today, i was yearning for some good, old-fashioned belly laughs. well, i was certainly not disappointed and cried real tears as i watcged the comedians. i had a BALL and i'm glad that i went (and grateful to my new Runnin' Buddy for inviting me!).
i've been out a lot recently to a number of 'social gatherings' in and around the city. having been a hermit most of the winter...heck, most of the time PC's been on earth for that matter, here lately i've been attempting to get out more often, have true adult interaction (and not just wait on having a date), and just have a good time. being back 'on the scene' (or as I call it: the Grown-and-Sexy Circuit) is quite interesting...having been off of it for the last 3-4 years, i have discovered that much hasn't changed and i've also discovered that the Negro Network in Chicago continues to be very small with most folks separated by 6 degrees or less.
to be honest, those 6 degrees have been a huge deterrent for me going out up until this point. i dreaded running into folk from my past, mainly PC's BioDad, who i haven't seen since court in the fall of 2007. the romantic situation between he and i is long dead & gone, and his relationship with PC is nonexistent (by his own choosing), but the fear (yes, fear) of running into him somewhere makes my stomach tie up in knots. imagine my simultaneous delight/horror walking into a bday party a few weeks ago for my homegirl's high school classmate. as i walk in, the first person i see is Steve. Steve is BioDad's frat brother and owner of the condo where i met BioDad in the summer of 2004 at a BBQ. i hadn't seen Steve for about 3+ yrs, so it was great to see him. he, of course, knew that i had had a baby and asked about her and asked to see photos. he was his genuinely sweet self--didn't probe, didn't make me feel uncomfortable, didn't bring up BioDad at all, didn't cross boundaries. to most, that might not have seemed like a big deal, but to me it is a very big deal for him to respect that space....and to catch up with ME...for the sake of catching up with ME...not trying to get the scoop on BioDad and i. still, for the rest of the night, a part of me lived with that knot in the pit of my stomach...wondering if BioDad would be showing up at this party at some point, and if that would throw me into a panic. i enjoyed myself and eventually emerged unscathed, but it was still in the back of my mind.
i thought about this issue of six degrees/past lives as i played phone tag with a friend this week. this friend and i don't talk on a regular basis, as marriage/babies/geographic changes have altered our dynamic a bit. but, when we do get a chance to talk and catch up, she inevitably always asks the question "so, what's up with BioDad? has he come around? has he seen PC?" because of this, i've been dreading returning her call. she isn't alone...many of my friends (some of whom were around when BioDad and i were together and knew him/liked him) ask that question when we haven't talked in a while. but it extends beyond them. some family members ask. other friends. it's almost become the requisite question for folk to ask after we've gotten past the preliminary pleasantries. and, to be honest, i'd rather they not ask.
b/c once they ask...and i say 'no, he isn't around. no he doesn't know PC, etc,' they feel obligated to give me the sympathy/'eff that ninja'-speech. and, while i know that their intentions are good...
i'm ok. really, i am.
i came to terms a long time ago with BioDad's decision to not be involved. whether i agree or disagree with it, it's the reality (and HIS choice), and no amount of 'eff-that-ninja' is gonna change it.
the knots in my stomach have less to do with running into BioDad-who-isn't-involved...and more to do with running into an Ex that i have a sordid, complicated, hurtful history with--something that i HATE happening, with a passion. i'd just rather not.
but, as one of my friends told me so eloquently, i have to let that go. i cannot allow emotion--fear, panic, etc--to control my life, my movement, my recreation.
and, so that's why i continue to go out. to face my fears head-on, to grab a little bit of my 'KW' back from the Mommy-Abyss...and to let off some steam.
i've been dancing on every set....
and i'm not tired yet :)
i've been out a lot recently to a number of 'social gatherings' in and around the city. having been a hermit most of the winter...heck, most of the time PC's been on earth for that matter, here lately i've been attempting to get out more often, have true adult interaction (and not just wait on having a date), and just have a good time. being back 'on the scene' (or as I call it: the Grown-and-Sexy Circuit) is quite interesting...having been off of it for the last 3-4 years, i have discovered that much hasn't changed and i've also discovered that the Negro Network in Chicago continues to be very small with most folks separated by 6 degrees or less.
to be honest, those 6 degrees have been a huge deterrent for me going out up until this point. i dreaded running into folk from my past, mainly PC's BioDad, who i haven't seen since court in the fall of 2007. the romantic situation between he and i is long dead & gone, and his relationship with PC is nonexistent (by his own choosing), but the fear (yes, fear) of running into him somewhere makes my stomach tie up in knots. imagine my simultaneous delight/horror walking into a bday party a few weeks ago for my homegirl's high school classmate. as i walk in, the first person i see is Steve. Steve is BioDad's frat brother and owner of the condo where i met BioDad in the summer of 2004 at a BBQ. i hadn't seen Steve for about 3+ yrs, so it was great to see him. he, of course, knew that i had had a baby and asked about her and asked to see photos. he was his genuinely sweet self--didn't probe, didn't make me feel uncomfortable, didn't bring up BioDad at all, didn't cross boundaries. to most, that might not have seemed like a big deal, but to me it is a very big deal for him to respect that space....and to catch up with ME...for the sake of catching up with ME...not trying to get the scoop on BioDad and i. still, for the rest of the night, a part of me lived with that knot in the pit of my stomach...wondering if BioDad would be showing up at this party at some point, and if that would throw me into a panic. i enjoyed myself and eventually emerged unscathed, but it was still in the back of my mind.
i thought about this issue of six degrees/past lives as i played phone tag with a friend this week. this friend and i don't talk on a regular basis, as marriage/babies/geographic changes have altered our dynamic a bit. but, when we do get a chance to talk and catch up, she inevitably always asks the question "so, what's up with BioDad? has he come around? has he seen PC?" because of this, i've been dreading returning her call. she isn't alone...many of my friends (some of whom were around when BioDad and i were together and knew him/liked him) ask that question when we haven't talked in a while. but it extends beyond them. some family members ask. other friends. it's almost become the requisite question for folk to ask after we've gotten past the preliminary pleasantries. and, to be honest, i'd rather they not ask.
b/c once they ask...and i say 'no, he isn't around. no he doesn't know PC, etc,' they feel obligated to give me the sympathy/'eff that ninja'-speech. and, while i know that their intentions are good...
i'm ok. really, i am.
i came to terms a long time ago with BioDad's decision to not be involved. whether i agree or disagree with it, it's the reality (and HIS choice), and no amount of 'eff-that-ninja' is gonna change it.
the knots in my stomach have less to do with running into BioDad-who-isn't-involved...and more to do with running into an Ex that i have a sordid, complicated, hurtful history with--something that i HATE happening, with a passion. i'd just rather not.
but, as one of my friends told me so eloquently, i have to let that go. i cannot allow emotion--fear, panic, etc--to control my life, my movement, my recreation.
and, so that's why i continue to go out. to face my fears head-on, to grab a little bit of my 'KW' back from the Mommy-Abyss...and to let off some steam.
i've been dancing on every set....
and i'm not tired yet :)
Sunday, March 8, 2009
shaken, but not stirred
for those of you who have been reading my blog for a while (and others who are newer to the blog, but that i may have spoken to offline), you know that i have openly written about my struggle with panic/anxiety attacks (see: same script, different cast). as i've discussed before, the panic attacks are infrequent and i know my triggers, but as i am yet still walking in victory over this issue thru prayer, counseling, and support of a few dear friends....i am still on the battlefield.
and, this weekend, after weeks and weeks of no issues, i fought that battle and lost, and had the worst panic attack that i have had thus far. it was terrible, but i use that term "terrible" loosely as, in my research on the topic, i know that what i experience physically during these scenarios is mild in comparison to some ppl who end up in the ER...have them daily...or are on prescription medication to control the symptoms. so, for the mildness of my "terrible" attacks, i am grateful.
after the attack subsided and i was able to reflect, i found myself feeling defeated. i had been riding high on a wave of "everything is alright" for a few weeks, but secretly in the back of my mind waiting for that other shoe to drop. of course, that's no way to live because in that place of fear, you can never truly overcome that which you are being faced with, and fear shows a lack of trust in God and in yourself. also, the false "everything is alright" mentality leaves a sliver of an opening for the enemy to step in and 'shake some things up.' 'oh, she thinks she's got it ALL together? she thinks she no longer has this issue? let me test her and SEE just how together she REALLY is.'
and, so, that is what happened. and, as i am prone to say, "But God!"
the Defeated feeling tried to linger...and it did, for a while. i was kicking myself and angry with myself that i had somehow allowed myself to fall into the trap of anxiety/panic. with Defeat came the feeling of Shame....i started to feel ashamed of this issue. so much so that when a friend called me yesterday and asked me what was wrong (she could clearly hear that something wasn't right in my voice when i answered the phone), i beat around the bush for quite a while--not b/c i didn't want to share or thought that her concern was disingeneous, but because i was ashamed to share, for fear of being judged.
even me, Ms. Transparent Herself, who writes this blog week-in and week-out and spills some of the most personally challenging things imaginable to my faithful readers-- i was ashamed. i somehow felt that it was my fault and that i should've known better than to allow myself to 'go there' with an attack. essentially, i blamed myself for it.
but, thank God for that friend who called...and for others who i've shared with this weekend who said to me (the very voice of God in the flesh, i think)--"it's NOT your fault. you're NOT defeated. you WILL overcome this. you're taking positive steps TO overcome this. we WILL pray you thru. you CAN call me if you need to talk. you are NOT going thru this alone."
i'm sharing this story today, partially to allow myself to purge and also to encourage someone else. i know that there are readers of my blog that are struggling thru many things--whether mental illness, health concerns, relational problems, job-related stress, unhealthy behaviors...the list goes on and on. Shame is what keeps healing from occuring--when we allow ourselves to get to a place where we can't even face that thing which we're attempting to overcome. where we're hiding it for fear of what other ppl might say or do--including, but not limited to, judging us or leaving us.
i also share this today for those of who might be out there reading thinking that 'everything is alright.' i believe that equilibrium in life does occur, on some levels, but i also believe that the unpredictability of life will knock that equilibrium clean off course. from a spiritual perspective, we have to remember that the daily 'battlefields' that we fight on are not against flesh and blood (though they may seem that way). we are daily fighting against principalities--forces of evil sent to do nothing but steal, kill, and destroy our hopes, our dreams, our families, our health, our friendships, our peace of mind! just because you haven't been confronted with that type of spiritual warfare yet, don't rest on your laurels. when life is "good," we must all take the time to strengthen our resolve and our awareness--training our 'Spiritual Soldiers'--for the war that is yet to come. it is not a question of if, but when. the bad news is: we're all susceptible. the good news is: we can win!
finally, i share this message today as a clarion call for all of us to take the time to become more and more self-aware. my cousin/spiritual confidante and i have been dissecting the issue of inner-healing for the last few weeks. she's involved in a Bible study/prayer group at her church that is tackling that issue, and she has been amazed at the discovery of all of the wounds that were left on her heart that she thought she had dealt with thru forgiveness of the offending party, but essentially had never really healed. as we sat and talked about what some of those things were for her--and for me--we thought about how the fact that because the wounds remained unhealed, it negatively affected other aspects of life, especially during those periods of 'everything is alright.' never truly confronting those things essentially left slivers/holes open and ready for attack. my sincere hope and prayer is that all of us, no matter where lie on the spiritual spectrum, will be confronted with those things about ourselves and do the difficult, but necessary, work to be free!
and, this weekend, after weeks and weeks of no issues, i fought that battle and lost, and had the worst panic attack that i have had thus far. it was terrible, but i use that term "terrible" loosely as, in my research on the topic, i know that what i experience physically during these scenarios is mild in comparison to some ppl who end up in the ER...have them daily...or are on prescription medication to control the symptoms. so, for the mildness of my "terrible" attacks, i am grateful.
after the attack subsided and i was able to reflect, i found myself feeling defeated. i had been riding high on a wave of "everything is alright" for a few weeks, but secretly in the back of my mind waiting for that other shoe to drop. of course, that's no way to live because in that place of fear, you can never truly overcome that which you are being faced with, and fear shows a lack of trust in God and in yourself. also, the false "everything is alright" mentality leaves a sliver of an opening for the enemy to step in and 'shake some things up.' 'oh, she thinks she's got it ALL together? she thinks she no longer has this issue? let me test her and SEE just how together she REALLY is.'
and, so, that is what happened. and, as i am prone to say, "But God!"
the Defeated feeling tried to linger...and it did, for a while. i was kicking myself and angry with myself that i had somehow allowed myself to fall into the trap of anxiety/panic. with Defeat came the feeling of Shame....i started to feel ashamed of this issue. so much so that when a friend called me yesterday and asked me what was wrong (she could clearly hear that something wasn't right in my voice when i answered the phone), i beat around the bush for quite a while--not b/c i didn't want to share or thought that her concern was disingeneous, but because i was ashamed to share, for fear of being judged.
even me, Ms. Transparent Herself, who writes this blog week-in and week-out and spills some of the most personally challenging things imaginable to my faithful readers-- i was ashamed. i somehow felt that it was my fault and that i should've known better than to allow myself to 'go there' with an attack. essentially, i blamed myself for it.
but, thank God for that friend who called...and for others who i've shared with this weekend who said to me (the very voice of God in the flesh, i think)--"it's NOT your fault. you're NOT defeated. you WILL overcome this. you're taking positive steps TO overcome this. we WILL pray you thru. you CAN call me if you need to talk. you are NOT going thru this alone."
i'm sharing this story today, partially to allow myself to purge and also to encourage someone else. i know that there are readers of my blog that are struggling thru many things--whether mental illness, health concerns, relational problems, job-related stress, unhealthy behaviors...the list goes on and on. Shame is what keeps healing from occuring--when we allow ourselves to get to a place where we can't even face that thing which we're attempting to overcome. where we're hiding it for fear of what other ppl might say or do--including, but not limited to, judging us or leaving us.
i also share this today for those of who might be out there reading thinking that 'everything is alright.' i believe that equilibrium in life does occur, on some levels, but i also believe that the unpredictability of life will knock that equilibrium clean off course. from a spiritual perspective, we have to remember that the daily 'battlefields' that we fight on are not against flesh and blood (though they may seem that way). we are daily fighting against principalities--forces of evil sent to do nothing but steal, kill, and destroy our hopes, our dreams, our families, our health, our friendships, our peace of mind! just because you haven't been confronted with that type of spiritual warfare yet, don't rest on your laurels. when life is "good," we must all take the time to strengthen our resolve and our awareness--training our 'Spiritual Soldiers'--for the war that is yet to come. it is not a question of if, but when. the bad news is: we're all susceptible. the good news is: we can win!
finally, i share this message today as a clarion call for all of us to take the time to become more and more self-aware. my cousin/spiritual confidante and i have been dissecting the issue of inner-healing for the last few weeks. she's involved in a Bible study/prayer group at her church that is tackling that issue, and she has been amazed at the discovery of all of the wounds that were left on her heart that she thought she had dealt with thru forgiveness of the offending party, but essentially had never really healed. as we sat and talked about what some of those things were for her--and for me--we thought about how the fact that because the wounds remained unhealed, it negatively affected other aspects of life, especially during those periods of 'everything is alright.' never truly confronting those things essentially left slivers/holes open and ready for attack. my sincere hope and prayer is that all of us, no matter where lie on the spiritual spectrum, will be confronted with those things about ourselves and do the difficult, but necessary, work to be free!
Saturday, March 7, 2009
looking at my Gucci, it's about that time....
....to set my clock forward. i know, i know--we're losing an hour of sleep, BUT, it also means that spring is just around the corner....and that is certainly a bright spot in the midst of all of the somber news coming across the airwaves these days.
His Daughter has a bit of Blogger's Block tonite....i know i owe ya'll a [real] blog and i've definitely got itchy fingers....but i gotta make certain that my words are fluid and not forced. so, imma sit tight for a minute, let them come together in my brain....and will be in touch shortly.
so, don't forget to set your clocks forward tonight so you're not late for church, work, or whatever other Sunday activity you have going on tomorrow. remember to pray for someone you love...and someone you don't even like. and also, in spite of and despite what you see going on in the natural...TRUST Him.
finally, to steal a quote from a friend's email sig: "be kinder than necessary to everyone you meet because everyone (and i mean EVERYONE) is fighting some sort of battle"....and your act of kindness just might be the one thing to turn their day...week...or life around.
seriously.
lovingly,
KW
His Daughter has a bit of Blogger's Block tonite....i know i owe ya'll a [real] blog and i've definitely got itchy fingers....but i gotta make certain that my words are fluid and not forced. so, imma sit tight for a minute, let them come together in my brain....and will be in touch shortly.
so, don't forget to set your clocks forward tonight so you're not late for church, work, or whatever other Sunday activity you have going on tomorrow. remember to pray for someone you love...and someone you don't even like. and also, in spite of and despite what you see going on in the natural...TRUST Him.
finally, to steal a quote from a friend's email sig: "be kinder than necessary to everyone you meet because everyone (and i mean EVERYONE) is fighting some sort of battle"....and your act of kindness just might be the one thing to turn their day...week...or life around.
seriously.
lovingly,
KW
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