shaken, but not stirred

for those of you who have been reading my blog for a while (and others who are newer to the blog, but that i may have spoken to offline), you know that i have openly written about my struggle with panic/anxiety attacks (see: same script, different cast). as i've discussed before, the panic attacks are infrequent and i know my triggers, but as i am yet still walking in victory over this issue thru prayer, counseling, and support of a few dear friends....i am still on the battlefield.

and, this weekend, after weeks and weeks of no issues, i fought that battle and lost, and had the worst panic attack that i have had thus far. it was terrible, but i use that term "terrible" loosely as, in my research on the topic, i know that what i experience physically during these scenarios is mild in comparison to some ppl who end up in the ER...have them daily...or are on prescription medication to control the symptoms. so, for the mildness of my "terrible" attacks, i am grateful.

after the attack subsided and i was able to reflect, i found myself feeling defeated. i had been riding high on a wave of "everything is alright" for a few weeks, but secretly in the back of my mind waiting for that other shoe to drop. of course, that's no way to live because in that place of fear, you can never truly overcome that which you are being faced with, and fear shows a lack of trust in God and in yourself. also, the false "everything is alright" mentality leaves a sliver of an opening for the enemy to step in and 'shake some things up.' 'oh, she thinks she's got it ALL together? she thinks she no longer has this issue? let me test her and SEE just how together she REALLY is.'

and, so, that is what happened. and, as i am prone to say, "But God!"

the Defeated feeling tried to linger...and it did, for a while. i was kicking myself and angry with myself that i had somehow allowed myself to fall into the trap of anxiety/panic. with Defeat came the feeling of Shame....i started to feel ashamed of this issue. so much so that when a friend called me yesterday and asked me what was wrong (she could clearly hear that something wasn't right in my voice when i answered the phone), i beat around the bush for quite a while--not b/c i didn't want to share or thought that her concern was disingeneous, but because i was ashamed to share, for fear of being judged.

even me, Ms. Transparent Herself, who writes this blog week-in and week-out and spills some of the most personally challenging things imaginable to my faithful readers-- i was ashamed. i somehow felt that it was my fault and that i should've known better than to allow myself to 'go there' with an attack. essentially, i blamed myself for it.

but, thank God for that friend who called...and for others who i've shared with this weekend who said to me (the very voice of God in the flesh, i think)--"it's NOT your fault. you're NOT defeated. you WILL overcome this. you're taking positive steps TO overcome this. we WILL pray you thru. you CAN call me if you need to talk. you are NOT going thru this alone."

i'm sharing this story today, partially to allow myself to purge and also to encourage someone else. i know that there are readers of my blog that are struggling thru many things--whether mental illness, health concerns, relational problems, job-related stress, unhealthy behaviors...the list goes on and on. Shame is what keeps healing from occuring--when we allow ourselves to get to a place where we can't even face that thing which we're attempting to overcome. where we're hiding it for fear of what other ppl might say or do--including, but not limited to, judging us or leaving us.

i also share this today for those of who might be out there reading thinking that 'everything is alright.' i believe that equilibrium in life does occur, on some levels, but i also believe that the unpredictability of life will knock that equilibrium clean off course. from a spiritual perspective, we have to remember that the daily 'battlefields' that we fight on are not against flesh and blood (though they may seem that way). we are daily fighting against principalities--forces of evil sent to do nothing but steal, kill, and destroy our hopes, our dreams, our families, our health, our friendships, our peace of mind! just because you haven't been confronted with that type of spiritual warfare yet, don't rest on your laurels. when life is "good," we must all take the time to strengthen our resolve and our awareness--training our 'Spiritual Soldiers'--for the war that is yet to come. it is not a question of if, but when. the bad news is: we're all susceptible. the good news is: we can win!

finally, i share this message today as a clarion call for all of us to take the time to become more and more self-aware. my cousin/spiritual confidante and i have been dissecting the issue of inner-healing for the last few weeks. she's involved in a Bible study/prayer group at her church that is tackling that issue, and she has been amazed at the discovery of all of the wounds that were left on her heart that she thought she had dealt with thru forgiveness of the offending party, but essentially had never really healed. as we sat and talked about what some of those things were for her--and for me--we thought about how the fact that because the wounds remained unhealed, it negatively affected other aspects of life, especially during those periods of 'everything is alright.' never truly confronting those things essentially left slivers/holes open and ready for attack. my sincere hope and prayer is that all of us, no matter where lie on the spiritual spectrum, will be confronted with those things about ourselves and do the difficult, but necessary, work to be free!