six degrees.....

so, i'm just in from another GREAT nite with friends! tonite, was a local comedy club. i'm usually not a big fan of standup, but thought i would try something new...and, after the day i had today, i was yearning for some good, old-fashioned belly laughs. well, i was certainly not disappointed and cried real tears as i watcged the comedians. i had a BALL and i'm glad that i went (and grateful to my new Runnin' Buddy for inviting me!).

i've been out a lot recently to a number of 'social gatherings' in and around the city. having been a hermit most of the winter...heck, most of the time PC's been on earth for that matter, here lately i've been attempting to get out more often, have true adult interaction (and not just wait on having a date), and just have a good time. being back 'on the scene' (or as I call it: the Grown-and-Sexy Circuit) is quite interesting...having been off of it for the last 3-4 years, i have discovered that much hasn't changed and i've also discovered that the Negro Network in Chicago continues to be very small with most folks separated by 6 degrees or less.

to be honest, those 6 degrees have been a huge deterrent for me going out up until this point. i dreaded running into folk from my past, mainly PC's BioDad, who i haven't seen since court in the fall of 2007. the romantic situation between he and i is long dead & gone, and his relationship with PC is nonexistent (by his own choosing), but the fear (yes, fear) of running into him somewhere makes my stomach tie up in knots. imagine my simultaneous delight/horror walking into a bday party a few weeks ago for my homegirl's high school classmate. as i walk in, the first person i see is Steve. Steve is BioDad's frat brother and owner of the condo where i met BioDad in the summer of 2004 at a BBQ. i hadn't seen Steve for about 3+ yrs, so it was great to see him. he, of course, knew that i had had a baby and asked about her and asked to see photos. he was his genuinely sweet self--didn't probe, didn't make me feel uncomfortable, didn't bring up BioDad at all, didn't cross boundaries. to most, that might not have seemed like a big deal, but to me it is a very big deal for him to respect that space....and to catch up with ME...for the sake of catching up with ME...not trying to get the scoop on BioDad and i. still, for the rest of the night, a part of me lived with that knot in the pit of my stomach...wondering if BioDad would be showing up at this party at some point, and if that would throw me into a panic. i enjoyed myself and eventually emerged unscathed, but it was still in the back of my mind.

i thought about this issue of six degrees/past lives as i played phone tag with a friend this week. this friend and i don't talk on a regular basis, as marriage/babies/geographic changes have altered our dynamic a bit. but, when we do get a chance to talk and catch up, she inevitably always asks the question "so, what's up with BioDad? has he come around? has he seen PC?" because of this, i've been dreading returning her call. she isn't alone...many of my friends (some of whom were around when BioDad and i were together and knew him/liked him) ask that question when we haven't talked in a while. but it extends beyond them. some family members ask. other friends. it's almost become the requisite question for folk to ask after we've gotten past the preliminary pleasantries. and, to be honest, i'd rather they not ask.

b/c once they ask...and i say 'no, he isn't around. no he doesn't know PC, etc,' they feel obligated to give me the sympathy/'eff that ninja'-speech. and, while i know that their intentions are good...

i'm ok. really, i am.

i came to terms a long time ago with BioDad's decision to not be involved. whether i agree or disagree with it, it's the reality (and HIS choice), and no amount of 'eff-that-ninja' is gonna change it.

the knots in my stomach have less to do with running into BioDad-who-isn't-involved...and more to do with running into an Ex that i have a sordid, complicated, hurtful history with--something that i HATE happening, with a passion. i'd just rather not.

but, as one of my friends told me so eloquently, i have to let that go. i cannot allow emotion--fear, panic, etc--to control my life, my movement, my recreation.

and, so that's why i continue to go out. to face my fears head-on, to grab a little bit of my 'KW' back from the Mommy-Abyss...and to let off some steam.

i've been dancing on every set....

and i'm not tired yet :)