let me tell you what i'm NOT...

i stole the title for tonight's blog from a friend's Facebook status from last weekend. she used that line verbatim. when i saw it, it made me LOL, primarily because, in my mind, i could hear her voice & see her facial expressions while she was saying it. when i commented on her status, she replied by telling me the story of who and what prompted her to post to begin with. simply put, just another case of folks underestimating her prowess, taking her kindness for weakness, and otherwise pushing buttons that under normal circumstances, it might not be advisable to push. a judgment call gone wrong.

as i sat thinking about what to write about tonight, that line jumped into my head again....as i reflect on the events of the past few days, weeks, and even hours--the many of the self-imposed changes i've been going through....

i say to no one in particular (other than my own internal insecurities):

let me tell you what i'm NOT:

*i'm not the sum of the 12 inches of hair that lay on the salon floor this afternoon as I chopped off 5 inches of 1 year- old virgin hair + another 7 inches of relaxed hair=a 1/2 inch of curly/afro poof. i didn't cut to gain attention or to make a political statement. i cut to shed the very thing that i held onto for the shallowest reasons.

*i'm not the sum of the things & ppl that i've lost along the way...because in loss, i've gained perspective, clarity, open windows in exchange for closed doors, and 10-fold blessings for every 1-fold exit. i will no more force a square peg into a round hole--begging ppl to stay who want to dip out...or staying in places where the welcome mat has surely been worn thin. even in that, i will continue to love like i've never been hurt.

*i'm not the sum of the missteps i've made. i don't bare my soul on this blog or to strangers i meet along the way or when i have an encounter at church just because. i get no pleasure out of not being able to stifle my very nature, which is to be transparent and in turn, empathetic, because that requires vulnerability which sometimes can lead to deep hurt if not handled properly. no, i share because my heart bursts with something to say about bad choices--covered by grace--bound by forgiveness....and how none of us is above reproach and ultimately redemption. i share because to not share is to waste the very purpose in the pain.

*i'm not the sum of the Corporate Plantation that i pick cotton on everyday. inasmuch as i toil/fuss/fight against 'The System,' in order to provide for my family, i am YET brainstorming with my Business Partner about not how we CAN get out but how we WILL get out, and follow the dreams of our hearts that have nothing to do with 'cooking books,' overstating earnings, and Golden Parachutes for white-collar criminals.

*i'm not the sum of any 'titles' that can be bestowed upon me as just another cog on a wheel. instead, i embrace the only titles that truly matter--child of the Most High, mother of my Heart's Joy, daughter, TeeTee, Soror, sistahfriend.... i find joy in cultivating the relationships with those that are near and dear to me, and i will never apologize for my fierce loyalty and ride-or-die dedication..even when not reciprocated.

a little thing called a Big Chop put a lot of things in perspective for me...everyone had an opinion--most were VERY positive & encouraging, very few were not (even if they tried to act like they were). for a recovering People Pleaser like myself, that's a potential recipe for disaster. but, i won the battle this time around b/c i came to the realization a long time ago that it was much more than my hair.....and, regardless, it was MY decision. but, i'm human and still like a 'hi-five' every once in a while, especially on big things, so took a deep breath and kept it moving.

i AM in a good place. i AM content...most of the time i AM happy ('happiness' is a fleeting emotion), but definitely always filled with joy.....i AM blessed....i AM excited....i AM having a ball!

encouraging all of you to take a moment to focus on what you're NOT while doing some internal inventory, discarding those things, and then getting about the business of focusing on the i AMs!!