the face of fear...

today finishes out what has been one of the better weekends that i've had this summer. friday was spent playing at the park with PC, saturday at the Chosen Few House Music picnic (whatchu know about a bazillion black folk who love House music BBQing, dancing, and just having a ball?), late night drinks at a local wine bar, and now a few hrs to myself as my sitter/family friend takes Sophia (voluntarily) to her church! life is good!

it also was a great weekend for me because in the midst of all of the fun times, i learned a huge lesson about myself and about my strength by being faced with one of my biggest fears.

for those of you who are from and/or live in chicago, you know how small the world is here. 6 degrees of separation are more like 3, and even less if you're in a Greek organization. PC's biofather and i met under 6 degrees-type circumstances. he is the fraternity brother of one of my sorority sister's grad school classmates and when we all met 5 years ago, we ran in a lot of the same circles and had many mutual friends/acquaintances. having been off 'the scene' for a few years since becoming a mom, i was rarely seeing these folk much, but as i've been venturing out more within the past few months, i have had increasing fear/anxiety about running into him while being out. over and over again, i've run into his friends, but surprisingly, have never seen him....until yesterday.

at the picnic, there were thousands of ppl...tent-upon-tent upon tent was set up, there was a huge stage with a DJ/performers, food vendors...a place where it was very easy NOT to run into someone that you WANTED to see, much less someone you didn't! yet, as i stood talking/laughing with a group of friends, i turned my head to the right, and saw him, unmistakably, in the distant. distant enough that he wasn't in earshot, but not so far that i didn't know exactly who he was.

i let out a little yelp which scared the mess out of one of the girls who was standing there who had no clue what was wrong with me. i turned to my friend and said to her "he's here" and she knew exactly who & what i was talking about. i've had near misses before where i thought i saw him somewhere, but it wasn't him. this time, it was the real deal.

it's hard sometimes for me to explain to folks where my anxiety around him comes from. i'm over the relationship (or the lack thereof) and was over that long PC came along. i'm not afraid of him in any way. i think that the anxiety stems from my own issues with 'seeing' people after a hurtful situation has ended. it bothers me and makes my stomach churn to see or run into folk if we've fallen out. i am Ms. Anti-awkward, so i'd just as soon never see the person again and not have that tension/weirdness/"differentness' between us than not.

Biofather and I haven't spoken in close to 3 years. He has chosen not to be involved in PC's life and to live as if she doesn't exist. So, in my instance, i think it is awkward x 1000 to be in the same space as him, under the current circumstances. but, what is the alternative--stay in the house? be a hermit? as my friend told me yesterday, "his choices can't have any bearing on you living your life. you both live here. you will see him. and you'll be ok."

as we exited the area where we were, my heart was palpitating and tears stung the backs of my eyes, yet i refused to cry. my friend held me by the arm and told me that i was going to walk in the direction of where he was (which was the exit) and i was going to do so with my head held high and my dignity intact. and, i did. and, i survived. i still don't know if he saw me (but we think that we did), but no matter b/c i emerged, relatively unscathed.

and i stared fear right in its (his) face.