blessed to be a blessing...

when i lost my job 8 months ago, it didn't come as a shocker. the writing had been on the wall for a while and i was mentally exhausted with the 80 hour work weeks and red tape. after the initial shock, i actually felt a tremendous sense of liberation, a feeling that has continued to propel me forward in pursuing my dreams, even in the midst of swift transition. prior to losing my job, my biggest fear was not the loss of the job or the economic security of a healthy paycheck, great health care benefits, and generous Paid Time Off. though it was inevitable that those things would pass away if the job was no more, i was more concerned about an additional perk that would also be a casualty of a job loss: my company car. for over a year, i had driven a car practically expense-free, gas and maintenance paid for with a simple swipe of the corporate credit card. i knew that losing my job would also mean a drastic change to my financial situation and i was very aware that i was not financially willing or able to purchase a replacement. so, i worried and worried about this worst-case scenario.

and, lo and behold, it came true.

something that i had taken for granted for so long--having a car--was suddenly gone, and i was forced to learn to live without and to adjust accordingly.

and, i (we) did. thankfully, we live in a city where public transportation is wonderful. our house is one block from the El, and PC's school is just 3 short stops from home. during this time of change, we took the bus and train everywhere--to school (both hers and mine), to friend's houses, to church (3hrs round-trip each Sunday), and to all of the places that we love to "play" in and around all the neighborhoods of Chicago. i felt the anxiety for myself that i had only read about in the past when the CTA threatened to raise rates by a large amount. i dealt with the frustration of standing on train platforms when the service cuts reduced or eliminated service at certain times. i adjusted my schedule when i knew that it was too late for me to be riding home alone--i made do. i rarely complained, and PC NEVER complained, and it became a way of life for us, and our norm.

i learned to appreciate not sitting in traffic, worrying about parking, monitoring gas prices, or making sure i had enough money for the toll. i looked at living in public-transportation-centric Chicago as a tremendous blessing, and i made up in my mind that i'd probably never endeavor to buy a car again--atleast not anytime. being 'carless' was doable...and though sometimes inconvenient or requiring of additional planning, i was content.

today, i was blessed with a car. completely surprised and shocked, completely caught off guard, i (we) were given a car. as the keys were handed to me by the Angel who provided this blessing, i could do nothing but weep. this car is something that i neither asked for nor wished for, but something that God saw fit for me to have, thanks to the goodness of another who wanted to do nothing more but to bless me and my child.

the weep came from the pit of my soul--as everything has shifted in my life over the past year, i have been challenged to look at my dependency on things and on people....i have had to readjust, change my perspective, grow closer in some areas, and fall back in others. it has not been easy and some changes, though necessary, have been very hard and very painful for me, and i am still yet working thru. but, in the midst of all of this, i have continually been presented with opportunities to grow in contentment....not complacency, but contentment--making the most of a situation, and trusting in Him to fill in the blanks.

the winter was tough....i remember remarking to a friend on one of the first warm days of spring "i used to think to myself if we can just make it thru the winter, we'll be okay." and we did.

i know that any blessing that we receive is not just for us to hog, but it is for us to share. a close friend told me that many years ago, she was having some financial problems and was on the brink of losing her car. thinking that the financing company wasn't going to work with her, she had resigned within herself that the car would be gone and that she would walk her son to school and herself to work daily. ultimately, the finance company did work with her and she was able to keep her car, and she vowed that the car would be used for the glory of God from that point on. that she would use it to be a blessing to others: rides to and from church, dr's appts, etc...whatever it was that they needed, if she had it, she would do. she realized that it was only b/c of His grace that she still had the vehicle, and that she owed Him to be a better steward over that gift.

i hope to follow in that example. over these past 8 months, i have experienced what it's like to have a ride or to be offered one.... to not have one....to ask for one and be refused and/or given one begrudgingly..or to be afraid of asking for one as to not be a burden. though it makes my heart glad to now have the 'luxury' of having a car (especially in the cold winter months), i know that there is more to it than just that. i know that there is more that He requires of me. i was faithful over a few things...and He gave me more. that is a debt that i will never be able to cancel out fully--but i will do my best to pay it forward until i cannot anymore.

'...for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances that I am in. I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need. I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.'
(Phillipians 4:11-13 NASB)