the 7-year itch

in about 2 hours, it will be October 31st....October 31st is the official deadline that 1 of my well-meaning friends has suggested (imposed) upon me to ummm.....drink some prune juice and let some STUFF go. this "stuff" is these feelings that i haven't been able to shake...these feelings that have been just beneath the surface for over 7 years, many times forgotten...until they are unexpectedly stirred, bubble to the surface, and inevitably contribute to a crash-and-burn of my emotions, pride, and, if i let it, my self-esteem.

if you'll remember, i wrote a blog a while back called 'trivial pursuit' which detailed my decision to stop the song-and-dance of unrequited love, to recognize my OWN dang-on shine, and to remedy my own feelings of thirst the RIGHT way. so, i posted that blog and walked away, triumphant, my Angela Davis fist in the air, knowing that the Love Revolution had now been bloggerized...and i was moving on and OKAY with moving on.

well, i think that i wrote too soon. because, in fact, i WASNT ready to be over it/move on/drink some water, etc.... and that unreadiness reared its ugly head, kicking and screaming, as i continued to interact w/ Trivial Pursuit disingenously, forced to swallow my feelings, watch my every word so as not to offend, and defend my love for him as being something other than a motive for something shady or sinister.

and yet, it wasn't enough.

so, tomorrow, on October 31st, i am finally prepared to close that chapter in my life. in all honesty, the path already began a few weeks ago with a lump-in-the-throat convo that i had with him telling him that i could no longer "fake the funk." i said i needed to take a step back....truly there was a part of me that thought that he would feel the impact of the loss of our closeness and would reach out....but he hasn't.... and when he did, it was only a dry, impersonal response to a text i sent a week ago....a response that could've just as easily been sent to a faraway business associate as it could to the person--me-- who he called one of his "closest friends".

the writing...or shall i say the TEXTING was on the wall with that one....silence speaks volumes...

and so i write today, a woman who has been in love with a man for 7 years....a man that doesn't and hasn't ever loved her in the same way....and has openly said that he never will.

7 years. wow.

i've had other relationships, loved other people without barrier....yet always felt that with others there was always something missing....and with him--it ALL made sense....or so i thought.

but, it seems it only made sense to me.

so the rose-colored glasses come off, the sleep gets rubbed off my eyes...and i am able to see clearly now.

and i step, ever so carefully, into the next phase of my life, preparing my heart for the one who will feel for AND about me the way that i do about him-- without constraint....without having to "think about it"...without weighing other options , leaving me always being the first to get rejected and the last to know.

prune juice never tasted so good.....

numb

heartbroken.
saddened.
confused.
angry.
helpless.
grief-stricken.
tired.
empathetic (as a mother).
sympathetic.
prayerful.
vigilant.
contemplative.

wishing...for the swift return of Christ, to heal this sick, dying, hurting world.

Jennifer: one of Chicago's Finest....a success story, a talent unparalleled, and a person whose beautiful spirit shines through her smile.

She and her family didn't deserve this horror...no one deserves this.

This world is getting worse and worse, by the hour and by the day.

Lord, have mercy on us all.

if it don't make dollars, then it don't make sense

my friend and i were talking yesterday and i broke out in sidesplitting laughter when she dusted off that oldie-but-goodie that i've heisted for my blog title today. we were talking about wasting time (in her case, it was tied to dating the wrong type of dude), and how some things are just purpose-LESS from the get-go. i started thinking about this issue of time. ever since i started my new gig, i've been wishin'/hopin'/prayin' for an extra hour to be added onto my day. with so much activity cramped into each day, another 60 mins would do my body good. i could sleep...or eat....or catch up on my reality shows....or blog....or_____.... precious Me-Time that gets lost in the shuffle of day-to-day hustle and bustle. since it appears that my prayer request isn't gonna be answered anytime soon (yes, sometimes He does indeed say NO, lol), i've got to work with what i got.

time is fleeting....as i've aged a bit and matured, i've started to think about my own mortality. being "grown" causes you to think about this thing called Life--what you've done with it thus far, and what you will do with it going forward. if you've had children, you watch how fast they grow up and you wonder where the time went. you watch your parents and grandparents age and come to depend on you more. you notice how the seasons fly by, birthday milestones seeming to come faster and faster, each year a blur as you blow your horn and sing Auld Lang Syne to welcome the new one.

i started to think about intangible things that i (we) waste our time on--being mad, being depressed, being bitter, being angry, complaining. none of us do those things ALL the time, but some of us do (some of) those things a little too much. a friend of mine spoke the truth in love to me a couple of weeks ago. she told me that she felt that it seemed like i was chronically pessimistic--that i wrote all of those great blogs, spent a lot of time encouraging other folks, but wasn't practicing it for myself. i appreciated her sentiment and did some serious introspection about it, and i found that i WAS spending too much time being down...i WAS pouring out encouragement on other folks but not encouraging/believing it for myself (whole 'nother blog topic)....and, not only was it bringing me down (and concerning those around me)...,.it was a WASTE of TIME.

why?

it's ok to experience and express the range of human emotion, including the negative, but it is NOT ok to dwell there.

and since i can't get an additional hour, i'd rather spend the 24 that i have being full of joy! laughing at the mishaps, expressing gratitude for the unexpected, appreciating the lessons in the painful circumstances, and fastening my seatbelt for the bumpy rides.

time well spent....with a priceless ROI.

a Dream deferred

i talked to an old friend today. we hadn't spoken in a little bit over a year, but she had been weighing heavy on my mind for about a month, and i had an intensely vivid dream--that i remembered in detail, which i hardly ever do--that starred her, her [now ex] fiance, and some of our friends. i decided to reach out and call her, to say hello, to catch up, to check-in...as i don't take for granted those inklings on the inside, tugging at your spirit.

we talked for quite a while...i found out that the engagement that she had wished and hoped to happen, had happened...and then had fallen apart....that she'd walked away from a long term relationship with the man that she thought would be her husband...that she'd woken up one day and decided that she wasn't where she was supposed to be....and tho bruised, battered, and still hurting...

she was ok.

she talked about the Dream--the dream of getting married, living happily ever after...and how difficult it was to walk away from that Dream...even when you knew that what was presented before you wasn't all it was cracked up to be.....

so, what happens to a Dream deferred? what happens when all that you've worked so hard to maintain crumbles before your very eyes? where your future...or atleast what you thought it would be...is altered seemingly overnight?

what happens when you wake up?

well, in my friend's case--when she woke up--she found courage. courage to listen to her heart and that still small voice that was telling her that it was time to get up and get out.....courage to look herself in the mirror and say--'i've got some stuff in ME that i need to work on--part and parcel of anyone else.'

courage to go against the grain, to not worry about "saving face" for the naysayers.

the funny thing about this issue of dreams is that Langston Hughes used the word 'deferred' instead of 'denied.' Deferred by its very nature, implies that it has only been halted temporarily... that is, that it will eventually come to pass. perhaps it will not come to pass in the way that YOU think it is supposed to, but it WILL come to pass.

i dreamt about my friend's bridal shower--laughter, gifts, good food, good friends...not knowing that her wedding had already been called off. now, i don't claim to be a psychic or anything like that, but perhaps my dream was just that--a foretelling of what is to be...but just cannot be...

not right now, anyway.

but,

[maybe] later.....

reminding me that--with the issues of our hearts' desires:

He always has the last word...

station break

to: Faithful Blog Readers

from: His Daughter

re: Missing Blogs

Dear Loyal Blog Followers:

His Daughter has been sporadically posting to her beloved blog due to a cluttered mind (information overload from the new job), workworkwork, and general fatigue. the inspiration has been sputtering, so pray for a sista that her mind would be cleared and that i would continue to find meaning in the everyday things, in order that i might share my thoughts with you.

More to come,
His Daughter

read the fine print

i spent a LOT of time in the car today, driving to far northern IL, back to the near southwest suburbs, further south to the far South Side, and then back West to the homestead. mid-afternoon precipitation coupled with neverending orange barrels. stretched the commuting time longer than i'd like to remember. but, the Traffic Cloud ALWAYS has a silver-lining because it provides space for me to do one of my favorite pasttimes, one which i've visted in this blog before--car thinking.

i started thinking about the topic of lack-of- grace--tied into judgement--tied into labeling--tied into hardened hearts--tied into people write offs....and doing some self-reflection. ok, so i know that probably doesn't make a lot of sense and the threads probably don't seem like they tie, but let me explain.

i am one of those [rare] people that doesnt see the world thru black-and-white, and through life experience and spiritual discernment (thanks be to God), i also don't see ppl in black-and-white either. nothing happens in a vacuum, and most things that ppl do/issues that they are going thru stem back to something else...something deeper that many of us, no matter how [dis] connected we are with the person--may understand. i was only able to get to that level of understanding once i myself came to terms with the root cause of many of the issues that used to plague me: low self-esteem, insecurity, unforgiveness, etc--and dealt with them. i am so blessed and thankful to have that understanding and also to have the memory of the hard road that it took to get there.

i thought about the issue of judgement...something that i myself have been guilty of, and still am from time to time, guilty of (and get convicted of by the HS). i thought about how my frustration and/or anger about or towards a circumstance or an individual have caused me sometimes to judge them/ it, to label them/it, and to ultimately write them/it off. i thought about how harshly i've been judged by others along the way. and i also thought about how harshly i have judged MYSELF.

i was listening to a radio show today and a Marian Priest was being interviewed. he was a former drug/sex addict and had lived that lifestyle for over 20 years until an encounter with God--in rehab--caused a spiritual conversion in his life. he committed his life to the Lord and ultimately to full-time Christian vocation as a priest. all his life he had been labeled:

drug addict.
whoremonger.
ex-con.
child of hedonistic parents.
crazy hippie.

yet God had SOO much more for him to do. and it took 20+ years, and the conversion of his own parents two years earlier than his own, for him to see the light. and now he travels the country telling his story in the hopes of inspiring others that they too can be set free and live a life of love and service to God.

this man was labeled. judged. and probably still, even as an ordained Priest, deals with doubts about his qualifications to spread the Gospel. but who better to serve as an example of the redemption of JC than someone who is likened to a modern-day Paul!!

as i've stated before and will continue to say--all of us are daily fighting some sort of battle--some that we may share and some that we may be too embarassed or ashamed to share even with those that are closest to us. some of us are yet fighting battles that we don't even know are there! the labels we attach to ourselves, to others--and that others attach to us--can cause a great deal of harm, if we allow them to.

i thank God for memory, and i pray daily that i never get to the point where i think that i've gotten it all figured out, and i forget where i came from. i thank Him for grace and for saving my butt more times that i can count, and for someone praying for me along the way that i didnt even know.

and, when i get ready to stick a label or someone or something, i ask that He always remind me to...

..read the fine print.

coulda, shoulda, woulda

a couple of weeks ago, i posed this question to a listserv that i'm a member of, asking respondents to fill in the blank: "if i had it do all over again, i would've_______." the response was overwhelming, more than 50 ppl responded, many writing very heart-wrenching and personal stories about situations in their lives that they would've handled differently if given the second chance.

almost all of the responses centered around the following three topics:

• relationships. (specifically, with men, as this is a female-only listserv).
• education/career aspirations.
• finances.

one of the first emails that i got blew me away in its simplicity, yet profundity (and personal application to a situation that i blogged about prior in 'trivial pursuit'):

"if i had to do it all over again, i would've never told him how i really felt about him."

ouch....and AMEN, sista! as you can see, i was really feeling her on that one...and co-signing as well.

tho i posed the question, i hadn't really thought about it in relationship to myself. just like pretty much everyone else, i have many regrets, but as i've gotten older (and wiser), i've learned to put them in perspective. my bff and i crack up all the time trading stories of our days running the streets, up to no good, acting less than who were made to be. sure, it seemed all good, in the name of "fun" at the time, but when the fun was over, and the hearts and minds were changed, there were some scars that needed to be healed. but, after the sting has gone away, it is a blessing to look back with side-splitting laughter, saying to ourselves, what the HECK was i thinking??

i also started thinking about some things that i had made my mind up about, stubbornly saying that THIS is the way it is and that's final, crossinig my arms and stomping my feet all the while, while not paying attention to the writing on the wall. praying and begging God to have it MY way, when all along He was saying no, not because He was trying to withhold something from me (cruel and unusual punishment, i call it), but because He and only He knew what was best for me....and what was in store that would surely exceed all of my expectations and surprise me--the one-who-is-impossible-to-surprise.

i thought about how had i done some small things differently-- if i'd never gotten that first credit card, if i would've went to grad school directly after college instead of not giving up on my job search, not applied for a position in Chicago and held out for something in Cincinnati, went straight home instead of making a detour on the day i got pregnant....the list goes on and on.......when all of those choices were made, i never knew the ripple effect that they would have later on, and the life-changing lessons that they would bring.

but, nope..no matter how challenging some things have been at times...i wouldn't do a do-over even if i could.

because i am a walking testimony that God will use even our worst decisions and turn them around for our good.....and will heal the wounds and replace the bitterness with laughter.

that He will continue to surprise us, showing us, as Lauryn said, "what you need ironically, will turn out what you want to be....if you just let it...."

a wise woman once said, "forgiveness is letting go of the hope that the past could have been different."

cheers to letting go...moving on....

and burying the coulda, shoulda, woulda....

Father knows best.

accentuate the positive

as i've mentioned in a previous post, i spend a LOT of time in the car. whether it's driving too and from client appointments, carpooling, or just the mundane errands, many hours are spent behind the wheel on these wonderful Chicagoland expressways. i appreciate the mornings because i love to get my cry-inducing holler on listening to Steve Harvey and his antics, but the afternoons are not that great. having not purchased any new music lately (i REALLY need to invest in sattelite radio!), i've been bored in that arena as well. so, scanning the AM stations last week looking for some decent talk radio, i came across Relevant Radio, a Catholic-based talk radio station and my new homeboy Drew Mariotti who has a show during the afternoons when i am driving to pick up PC.

all this week, they've been talking about the topic of angels and how God uses angels to protect us, guide us, and to walk with us. many ppl were calling into the show sharing their stories about encounters with angels, and he even had an expert on the show who is an "angel expert" and offered up a lot of theological commentary (backed with Scripture) about the importance of angels in fulfilling God's work on earth--i was enlightened! i have always believed in angels--not only as protection and guidance, but also to teach us things. i thought about this last night as i had an encounter with an "angel" who in a 2 hr conversation, reminded me (once again) about what matters most.

a sorority sister of mine that i have never met called me last night to make arrangements to pick up some gently-used baby items that i am giving away. she responded to a posting that i made on a listserv, and we had been emailing back and forth for a couple of weeks, and she called last nite to make concrete plans. when she called, it was about 15 mins into the debate, and though i am dead-tired of all of the political hullabaloo and want Election Day to come and go as quickly as possible, i made plans to watch. when the phone rang, i figured it would be short and sweet. needless to say, it ended up being a 2+hr convo, and i didn't see much of the debate. but i ain't even mad.

why? because i entertained an angel unaware.

this Soror and i go to the same church, so we exchanged stories about that, as well as family, kids, career, sorority-stuff, etc. and, in the midst of talking, she told me that she was a FOUR time cancer survivor. yes, you read that right---FOUR times she's been diagnosed (and re-diagnosed) with ovarian and cervical cancer--gone thru radiation and chemo--and beaten it.

and, she's only in her mid-30s, having suffered through her first bout as an undergraduate.

as i listened to her tell me her story, including the fact that she just finished a most recent round of chemo this past February and is due for another checkup in a few months, she did it with grace, laughter, and a wicked sense of humor! she talked about losing her hair, looking for wigs, and how it has grown back longer and thicker than it ever was. she spoke about the wonderful doctors she's had and how her Sorors and friends carried her through her treatments, including when she was in undergrad and was hundreds of miles away from home. she laughed as she talked about how some doctors told her that she was "foolish" to pray for recovery and that she would never have children, and how her current doctor prides himself on being able to "help" his cancer-survivor patients conceive. i was listening to the conversation in awe, thinking to myself "wow! i don't know if i could do it!"

when i decided to make a choice to have PC and continue living here, in a city where i had no [blood] familial support, ppl said to me "i don't know how you do it!" and tho it's not easy and there are many times when the thought crosses my mind to move, there are many more reasons why i stay. and i am living proof that it can be done, thru God's help and with support of wonderful "chosen" family. as i listened to Chatty Patty's story last nite i thought to myself "i don't know if i could do it!" and it put a lot of things into perspective for me, hence why i say she was an angel, sent to remind me of what really matters.

everyone you meet is fighting some sort of battle/bearing some sort of cross--whether it's family issues, health, finance, spiritual, relational, whatever--we're all dealing thru something. we have good days and not-so-good days, but our responses to these issues can have a profound effect on how we come out on the other end, even if the end isn't perfect. there is a quote that speaks about being kinder than we think is necessary to ppl, because everyone is fighting some sort of battle. i've seen that topic expounded in with respects to blowing the horn at someone who doesn't realize the light turned has green. do we ever stop think why that person may have been distracted? what bit of news that they received that day? what hell they might be going home to? we just never know...

so my challenge for myself and for my readers is that we continue to grow into ppl that accentuate the positive--ppl that look for the silver lining in every situation. of course, it is easier said than done, especially when life, with all of its queer twists and turns, has us spiraling into a place of stress, sadness, anxiety, or frustration. always remember, somewhere somebody has it worse than you do, atleast from the perspective of what you can handle. i believe that the crosses we are given to bear are those that He has determined that we can handle, if we'll just lean on and trust Him.

now, go dust off those wings and be an angel to someone you meet along the way!

don't talk, just listen

hi, how are?
good, you?
fine.
good.

how many times a day do we have the exchange with someone? with friends, coworkers, spouses, even the grocery store clerk. and, how many times are we actually HONEST about how we're doing? if we're having a great day, we're very quick to tell that....but, if something is troubling us, are we more apt to tell the truth or instead answer with the requisite "fine?"

i was in an airport a few weeks ago, browsing throught the bookstore and semi-eavesdropping on a [loud] conversation that one of the customers was having with the cashier. he was going on and on about some family problems that he was having, how he had been put out of his house, etc. it was obvious that these two individuals did not know each other by the distracted/disconnected look on the cashier's face, and his sideways glances towards me. i also was certain that they didnt know each other because i just seen Storyteller in the gift shop 10 mins earlier, recounting the same story to the cashier in there, who snickered to herself and another customer after he walked out.

now, without knowing Storyteller's mental health condition (or the lack thereof), i made an assumption that this exchange between he and the cashier (albeit, one-sided) probably was prompted by one question:

"how are you today?"

and, perhaps Storyteller was honest and began to pour out how he was REALLY feeling...to a complete stranger.

now, i am not suggesting that when we're having a bad day that we start recounting our life story and all of our dirty laundry to the mailman, the bank teller, and the girl in the McDonald's drive-thru...but, what i am suggesting is asking yourself--when you say you're just fine, are you? when someone tells you that they're fine yet you can sense that there's something they're not saying, do you probe further? is your spirit such that of, as one of my friends describes it, "a heart with ears" so that a person might feel compelled to want to share with you when they're feeling less-than-fine?

we all have our good days and our not-so-good days. i know that for me, if someone asks me how i'm doing (someone close to me), if i'm having a not-so-good day i still may say "fine." not because i'm lying, but moreso because i may still be trying to process thru whatever it is that i am facing, and might not be in the right place to say it ( sometimes, without bursting into tears). or sometimes, if i do want to talk about it, that might be ALL i want to do is talk/vent, which is sometimes a challenge when you have a LOT of solutions-oriented friends whose natural tendency (similar to my own) is to give advice. maybe Jodeci had it right in the first line of one of their dusties--"don't talk, just listen"--clearly, that is all many of us sometimes want and need.

i close today with a poem that i found when i was in college. in dealing with a difficult boyfriend who very much resembled a brick-wall when it came to communication, i stumbled across this poem which conveyed all that i needed to say at that time.


Please, Just Listen

When I ask you to listen to me and your start giving me advice,
you have not done what I asked.
When I ask you to listen to me and you begin to tell me
why I shouldn't feel that way,
you are trampling on my feelings.
When I ask you to listen to me and you feel you must
do something to solve my problem,
you have failed me, strange as that may seem.
Listen!

All I asked was that you listen -- not talk or do -- just hear.
(Advice is cheap: 504 will get you
both "Dear Abby" and Billy Graham
in the same newspaper.)

And I can do for myself; I am not helpless.
Maybe discouraged and faltering, but not helpless.
When you do something for me that I can and
need to do for myself,
you contribute to my fear and inadequacy.

But, when you accept, as a simple fact, that I do feel
-- no matter how irrationally --
then I can quit trying to convince you and get about
the business of understanding
what's behind this irrational feeling.

And when that's clear, the answers are obvious and
I don't need advice.
Irrational feelings make sense when we understand
what's behind them

So, p l e a s e, just listen and hear me.
And, if you want to talk, wait a minute for your turn, and
I'll listen to you!

clean out your ears, thereby opening your heart.

can you hear me now?