the 7-year itch

in about 2 hours, it will be October 31st....October 31st is the official deadline that 1 of my well-meaning friends has suggested (imposed) upon me to ummm.....drink some prune juice and let some STUFF go. this "stuff" is these feelings that i haven't been able to shake...these feelings that have been just beneath the surface for over 7 years, many times forgotten...until they are unexpectedly stirred, bubble to the surface, and inevitably contribute to a crash-and-burn of my emotions, pride, and, if i let it, my self-esteem.

if you'll remember, i wrote a blog a while back called 'trivial pursuit' which detailed my decision to stop the song-and-dance of unrequited love, to recognize my OWN dang-on shine, and to remedy my own feelings of thirst the RIGHT way. so, i posted that blog and walked away, triumphant, my Angela Davis fist in the air, knowing that the Love Revolution had now been bloggerized...and i was moving on and OKAY with moving on.

well, i think that i wrote too soon. because, in fact, i WASNT ready to be over it/move on/drink some water, etc.... and that unreadiness reared its ugly head, kicking and screaming, as i continued to interact w/ Trivial Pursuit disingenously, forced to swallow my feelings, watch my every word so as not to offend, and defend my love for him as being something other than a motive for something shady or sinister.

and yet, it wasn't enough.

so, tomorrow, on October 31st, i am finally prepared to close that chapter in my life. in all honesty, the path already began a few weeks ago with a lump-in-the-throat convo that i had with him telling him that i could no longer "fake the funk." i said i needed to take a step back....truly there was a part of me that thought that he would feel the impact of the loss of our closeness and would reach out....but he hasn't.... and when he did, it was only a dry, impersonal response to a text i sent a week ago....a response that could've just as easily been sent to a faraway business associate as it could to the person--me-- who he called one of his "closest friends".

the writing...or shall i say the TEXTING was on the wall with that one....silence speaks volumes...

and so i write today, a woman who has been in love with a man for 7 years....a man that doesn't and hasn't ever loved her in the same way....and has openly said that he never will.

7 years. wow.

i've had other relationships, loved other people without barrier....yet always felt that with others there was always something missing....and with him--it ALL made sense....or so i thought.

but, it seems it only made sense to me.

so the rose-colored glasses come off, the sleep gets rubbed off my eyes...and i am able to see clearly now.

and i step, ever so carefully, into the next phase of my life, preparing my heart for the one who will feel for AND about me the way that i do about him-- without constraint....without having to "think about it"...without weighing other options , leaving me always being the first to get rejected and the last to know.

prune juice never tasted so good.....