coulda, shoulda, woulda

a couple of weeks ago, i posed this question to a listserv that i'm a member of, asking respondents to fill in the blank: "if i had it do all over again, i would've_______." the response was overwhelming, more than 50 ppl responded, many writing very heart-wrenching and personal stories about situations in their lives that they would've handled differently if given the second chance.

almost all of the responses centered around the following three topics:

• relationships. (specifically, with men, as this is a female-only listserv).
• education/career aspirations.
• finances.

one of the first emails that i got blew me away in its simplicity, yet profundity (and personal application to a situation that i blogged about prior in 'trivial pursuit'):

"if i had to do it all over again, i would've never told him how i really felt about him."

ouch....and AMEN, sista! as you can see, i was really feeling her on that one...and co-signing as well.

tho i posed the question, i hadn't really thought about it in relationship to myself. just like pretty much everyone else, i have many regrets, but as i've gotten older (and wiser), i've learned to put them in perspective. my bff and i crack up all the time trading stories of our days running the streets, up to no good, acting less than who were made to be. sure, it seemed all good, in the name of "fun" at the time, but when the fun was over, and the hearts and minds were changed, there were some scars that needed to be healed. but, after the sting has gone away, it is a blessing to look back with side-splitting laughter, saying to ourselves, what the HECK was i thinking??

i also started thinking about some things that i had made my mind up about, stubbornly saying that THIS is the way it is and that's final, crossinig my arms and stomping my feet all the while, while not paying attention to the writing on the wall. praying and begging God to have it MY way, when all along He was saying no, not because He was trying to withhold something from me (cruel and unusual punishment, i call it), but because He and only He knew what was best for me....and what was in store that would surely exceed all of my expectations and surprise me--the one-who-is-impossible-to-surprise.

i thought about how had i done some small things differently-- if i'd never gotten that first credit card, if i would've went to grad school directly after college instead of not giving up on my job search, not applied for a position in Chicago and held out for something in Cincinnati, went straight home instead of making a detour on the day i got pregnant....the list goes on and on.......when all of those choices were made, i never knew the ripple effect that they would have later on, and the life-changing lessons that they would bring.

but, nope..no matter how challenging some things have been at times...i wouldn't do a do-over even if i could.

because i am a walking testimony that God will use even our worst decisions and turn them around for our good.....and will heal the wounds and replace the bitterness with laughter.

that He will continue to surprise us, showing us, as Lauryn said, "what you need ironically, will turn out what you want to be....if you just let it...."

a wise woman once said, "forgiveness is letting go of the hope that the past could have been different."

cheers to letting go...moving on....

and burying the coulda, shoulda, woulda....

Father knows best.