LOVING vicariously

being surrounded by a 24/7 mush-fest/Love Hangover sucks sometimes. ALL of my close friends...and when i say all, i mean ALL....are either married/dating someone seriously. i am the Lone Ranger: the one who rarely dates (not by choice) and on the ocassions that i do, i either have GREAT dates that ultimately materialize into Abysses of Nothingness....or Hell Dates that were better off not occuring at all.

so, it's hard not to have that "left out feeling", a feeling cloaked in a blanket of simultaneous bittersweet admiration/excitement/happiness for my friends....and bummed-out feelings about my own situation.

i'm human....and definitely not boy-crazy, but desirous of something other than just being Mommy all the time...and frustrated with not seeing the fruit of all of the strides that i've made with respects to my approach to love (Trivial Pursuit notwithstanding).

i wonder if ppl who are struggling with infertility look at my motherhood and feel that same bittersweetness. but, i think that the comparison doesn't exactly fit because infertility isn't a choice and even with all of the medical marvels...sometimes our bodies just don't do operate in the way that we should.

singleness...with no prospect on the horizon...even after you've opened up/pursued a variety of methods to meet ppl/let go of some preconceived notions/worked on becoming a better you/etc etc...done ALL the things you're so-called "supposed to do".......

naw, that's a choice. it seems to be a hand that's been dealt.

and perhaps one that i should get used to.

i'm not much of a gambler...but the odds on this one aren't looking good for the Home Team.

so, i soak up what's around me.....the giddyness of my friend's new relationships....the comforting warmth of marriage, even with its ups and downs....

and return my cards to the Dealer...and leave the casino floor.