another young woman lost her life this week...along with the life of her baby daughter...presumably at the hands of her on-again/off-again boyfriend. for those who are reading this blog and don't live in Chicago, Eddy Curry's mistress and father of two of his 6 children, was found murdered on Saturday in her home, along with her 9-month old daughter. her other child with Eddy (who is Chicago native/ former Bulls player, now playing for the Knicks), a 3 yr old was found unharmed, but covered in his mother and sister's blood.
EC isn't a suspect in this crime..but the girl's lawyer-come-boyfriend is. she had a restraining order against him after a 2007 attack, and according to family members, she was terrified of him due to his past behavior. somehow, someway, they were still entangled, and though he has not been formally charged, police are considering him a Person of Interest.
the sheer tragedy of the story is enough to make any person with a heart stop in their tracks: a young mother, brutally murdered along with her innocent BABY, as her toddler watches in horror. a woman who obviously made a less-than-favorable choice in this man as a lover, and potentially paid for it with her life. a senseless tragedy and lives destroyed all around.
and yet, the irony is....as the details of this story began to unfold in the news...i received a message from a friend that her coworker had briefly dated this guy a few yrs back...and within an hour of receiving that message, i received another from a Soror of mine who had met this man once in 2006 and ran into him again this past summer, both times with him trying to 'kick his game' her way.
what these two women had in common beyond being chatted up by the same suitor was the fact that BOTH of these women shut the dating situations down VERY early...because something about him JUST didn't FEEL right. both are understandly spooked by this current turn of events, and certainly thanking their Creator that their lives were spared.
i am not a fan of 'blaming the victim' so this blog is in no way an indictment that this woman..or any other woman who meets this unfortunate fate...brought it on herself. but, what these situation stirs up in my heart--with the same fervor that it did when Nailah Franklin was found murdered--is that we've GOT to start paying attention to/heeding our intuition.
i will be the first to admit that i haven't always been the best at discerning my intuition/God-voice from my own voice. as someone whose mind is always racing, i rarely have moments of pure quiet where i can truly hear what God is trying to tell me within my spirit. because my God knows me so well...he offers me TANGIBLE evidence of when it's time to exit Stage Left, because most of the time, that's the only time that i'll take heed (i.e. receipts, ticket stubs, background checks, etc). i have dated some 'interesting' characters in my day......ppl who were hiding whole relationships/criminal backgrounds/addictions/etc...... ppl that could win Academy Awards for how well they acted/concealed and wooed me. i consider myself to be very smart, very observant, and a skeptic about most things....but, i also know that, when it came to each of these relationships, i allowed the wool to be pulled over my eyes even when the signs were showing otherwise, and that's all on ME.
i know that i know that i know....that i am ALIVE today ONLY because of His grace.....as are many of my friends...it dang sure isn't because we made the best (or safest choices) when it came to bfs.
this horrible tragedy with this woman and her baby isn't the first, and it won't be the last....but my fervant prayer is that all of us, ladies especially but guys too...will really get to KNOW ppl and BELIEVE them when they show us who they are. ppl will show AND tell you who they really are, early on--and, God ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS gives us an out...it's written in the Scripture and I have seen it time and time again in my own life and in the lives of ppl I love. but, it's up to us to heed those signs, that feeling in your gut...that something that just doesn't sit right in your spirit.
i know that there are random acts of violence that happen to ppl daily that they have no control over...and i also know that even sometimes when ppl walk away from unfavorable situations, it doesn't prevent violence from occuring. but, again, i just implore upon all of us--singles, mothers (especially), wives, gfs, etc....to ask questions.....to LISTEN to the answers....and to not be afraid to throw up the deuces when it isn't right.
it isn't worth your life.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Monday, January 26, 2009
of BO, MO, and a mustard seed
much has been written, pontificated, hypothesized, and analyzed regarding the seemingly amazing marriage of Barack & Michelle Obama. throughout the campaign season, we got to know bits and pieces about this couple--quirky idiosyncracies about BO leaving his dirty socks on the kitchen floor...or how MO wasn't EVEN trying to hear him when he asked her out so many years ago. we've watched interview after interview, read story after story, and observed it for ourselves in pictures thr love that exists between these two ppl. sociologists and media critics have waxed poetic about how this is the first positive example of a Black American marriage that we've seen since the Huxtables (another topic for another blog).....that we as Af-Ams ought be proud to see this displayed for the whole world, proving that not every Black woman is somebody's babymama, and that there really are Black men who marry the women they love and stay with them after the birth of children (which WE knew all along...but apparently, others didn't).
in the last 7 days, i've been blessed to read two amazing portraits of BO and MO that form the basis of this blog. the first was an article that someone resurrected from 1996....a profile in the NY Times of couples in various cities across the country. one young couple that was featured was BO & MO. newlyweds, they were still childless, falling in love, and getting to know one another, and the article took a look at their different perspectives of love & marriage and how they came to be One. the 2nd article was an intimate portrait of MO in this month's Chicago magazine. we all know the basic story of her upbringing, academic & professional career, and how she came to be the First Lady. but, many do not know about some of the dark periods that she and BO had in their marriage when it became clear that he had political aspirations that she didn't initially support....and how their relationship persevered into what it is today.
last year, i was a member of an email listserv. called the "Thought For Today," its premise was based upon young professionals connecting electronically to discuss & debate pressing issues of the day--political, social, and relational. like any healthy exchange of ideas, it oftentimes got heated, but it became a good outlet for educated, seemingly likeminded ppl, to chat. unfortunately, the demographics of the listserv ultimately contributed to its demise.
you see, the group was made up of young professionals--aged 25-32. college educated, some with advanced degrees, many were single or in serious relationships--none married. out of 30 or so odd members, 2 of us were parents and both were single moms, never married. sometimes the topics were centered around dating and relating and it was INEVITABLE that the thread would get to the point where the guys (and even most of the women, besides the two moms) were going on and on about not ever wanting to date someone with a child.....and the guys went so far as to say that they wouldn't date a woman that had grown up in a single parent household, as she would 1. be too independent to know how to 'submit' to her mate and 2. she would have no idea how to conduct herself in a healthy relationship because she had never seen one growing up.
which brings me to the article from the NY Times. in part BO says: All my life, I have been stitching together a family, through stories or memories or friends or ideas. Michelle has had a very different background—very stable, two-parent family, mother at home, brother and dog, living in the same house all their lives. We represent two strands of family life in this country—the strand that is very stable and solid, and then the strand that is breaking out of the constraints of traditional families, travelling, separated, mobile. I think there was that strand in me of imagining what it would be like to have a stable, solid, secure family life.
so, BO...child of a single mother...raised in somewhat of a nomadic lifestyle between his mother & stepfather and grandparents...society would say that the odds weren't that great....yet went on to become an awesome husband/father (even sat on the board of the Fatherhood Initiative)....
all because MO had faith...the size of a mustard seed....in him and what she saw of him early on.
MO....stressed at home caring for 2 young babies while BO traveled the state of IL (and ultimately the country) chasing his dream of political office...many times being ready to throw in the towel and be done with him altogether...but yet, BO had faith...the size of a mustard seed...that his vision would come to pass....and MO had faith...the size of a mustard seed....that they would make it through the rough patches.
i am watching many ppl around me at relationship crossroads--marriages rocked by infidelity, gfs being fed up with bfs that aren't living up to their God-given potential, engaged couples that are having second thoughts....and it makes me ask the rhetorical question--when does one say 'i've had enough?" and, when you do get to that point...how do you know it's the right choice?
how do you know that you're not letting that mustard seed blow away in the wind, when you should be planting it?
even for me, as a single person who struggles with hanging onto her OWN mustard seed of faith to one day be in a healthy, happy marriage--how do i hold onto that faith when everything that i see in the natural tells me otherwise?
the answer certainly lies in the hearts of those involved..but i wonder if all of us could take a lesson from MO, BO.....
and a mustard seed.
in the last 7 days, i've been blessed to read two amazing portraits of BO and MO that form the basis of this blog. the first was an article that someone resurrected from 1996....a profile in the NY Times of couples in various cities across the country. one young couple that was featured was BO & MO. newlyweds, they were still childless, falling in love, and getting to know one another, and the article took a look at their different perspectives of love & marriage and how they came to be One. the 2nd article was an intimate portrait of MO in this month's Chicago magazine. we all know the basic story of her upbringing, academic & professional career, and how she came to be the First Lady. but, many do not know about some of the dark periods that she and BO had in their marriage when it became clear that he had political aspirations that she didn't initially support....and how their relationship persevered into what it is today.
last year, i was a member of an email listserv. called the "Thought For Today," its premise was based upon young professionals connecting electronically to discuss & debate pressing issues of the day--political, social, and relational. like any healthy exchange of ideas, it oftentimes got heated, but it became a good outlet for educated, seemingly likeminded ppl, to chat. unfortunately, the demographics of the listserv ultimately contributed to its demise.
you see, the group was made up of young professionals--aged 25-32. college educated, some with advanced degrees, many were single or in serious relationships--none married. out of 30 or so odd members, 2 of us were parents and both were single moms, never married. sometimes the topics were centered around dating and relating and it was INEVITABLE that the thread would get to the point where the guys (and even most of the women, besides the two moms) were going on and on about not ever wanting to date someone with a child.....and the guys went so far as to say that they wouldn't date a woman that had grown up in a single parent household, as she would 1. be too independent to know how to 'submit' to her mate and 2. she would have no idea how to conduct herself in a healthy relationship because she had never seen one growing up.
which brings me to the article from the NY Times. in part BO says: All my life, I have been stitching together a family, through stories or memories or friends or ideas. Michelle has had a very different background—very stable, two-parent family, mother at home, brother and dog, living in the same house all their lives. We represent two strands of family life in this country—the strand that is very stable and solid, and then the strand that is breaking out of the constraints of traditional families, travelling, separated, mobile. I think there was that strand in me of imagining what it would be like to have a stable, solid, secure family life.
so, BO...child of a single mother...raised in somewhat of a nomadic lifestyle between his mother & stepfather and grandparents...society would say that the odds weren't that great....yet went on to become an awesome husband/father (even sat on the board of the Fatherhood Initiative)....
all because MO had faith...the size of a mustard seed....in him and what she saw of him early on.
MO....stressed at home caring for 2 young babies while BO traveled the state of IL (and ultimately the country) chasing his dream of political office...many times being ready to throw in the towel and be done with him altogether...but yet, BO had faith...the size of a mustard seed...that his vision would come to pass....and MO had faith...the size of a mustard seed....that they would make it through the rough patches.
i am watching many ppl around me at relationship crossroads--marriages rocked by infidelity, gfs being fed up with bfs that aren't living up to their God-given potential, engaged couples that are having second thoughts....and it makes me ask the rhetorical question--when does one say 'i've had enough?" and, when you do get to that point...how do you know it's the right choice?
how do you know that you're not letting that mustard seed blow away in the wind, when you should be planting it?
even for me, as a single person who struggles with hanging onto her OWN mustard seed of faith to one day be in a healthy, happy marriage--how do i hold onto that faith when everything that i see in the natural tells me otherwise?
the answer certainly lies in the hearts of those involved..but i wonder if all of us could take a lesson from MO, BO.....
and a mustard seed.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
correction to "mary magdalene has left the building"
should read "DO justice, LOVE mercy..."
my apologies :-)
my apologies :-)
mary magdalene has left the building
PC's mama (that would be me) went out this weekend--twice. saturday night, went to a local lounge with my homegirl..last night, went for dinner and drinks with a group. both outings were inaugural celebrations, and, as a late convert to the Obama Machine, it felt good to be in a positive atmosphere, surrounded by positive ppl, celebrating a positive event. plus, it didn't hurt that a sista was in desperate need of good, clean, adult interaction and i got that.
so, on saturday, while standing in the coat check line getting me and my girl's coats, i run into this dude i used to date. Dude doesn't see me, but i see him, so i reach out and tap him on the shoulder, and we exchange pleasantries. Dude and i are still friends and talk from time to time, so it wasn't an awkward reunion at all, but i was simultaneously amused and irritated at his commentary when he saw me.
"wow," he kept saying over and over. "i can't believe that you're in here." "i just knew i'd see the 12 disciples before i'd ever see you." "i need to take a picture of this and post it to your blog." etc etc etc....
now sure, his commentary was humorous, but it also got on my nerves. i've written a blog about this topic on some levels before (see: same 'ol beans) about the shocked reactions that i got from a friend this summer when we hung out. 'who knew KW could kick it?' she said to me. ummmm...everyone who's known me for more than 6 months to a year, that's who...lol.
though i consider myself a spiritually-grounded person, i don't try to walk around with a halo on my head. i love justice and do mercy (as JC commanded), but i also listen to secular music, have an occassional glass of wine, hold grudges for a little bit too long when someone hurts my feelings, and let expletives fly from time to time (primarily when dealing with road rage). i am certainly a work-in-progress, and though i am not everything i want to be...i am most CERTAINLY not what i USED to be. when i go out now (on the rare ocassions that i do), i dance but nothing is being 'dropped like it's hot,' i may flirt, but i'm going home alone, and singing along to certain songs does sometimes make my ears and tongue burn now when it didn't in the past, but i still find myself bobbing my head and being sorry about it later, lol.
age, life experience, and children will many times grow you up, mellow you out, and settle you down if you weren't already settled. though i have always been an old soul, i've ALWAYS loved to have a good time, as my old friends will attest. along the way, i've lost a bit of myself, so, in my neverending 'new year, new you' campaign, i am spending time cultivating the KW in me--with all of her quirks and idiosyncracies. that includes stepping out from time to time, to ppl watch, dance, and hear good music. i'm saved, but not dead...and if my salvation could be cancelled by doing something 'less-than'holy,' (whatever that means), God would've been done with me--and all of us--a long time ago.
so give His Daughter a break: i'm saved, but not dead.
so, on saturday, while standing in the coat check line getting me and my girl's coats, i run into this dude i used to date. Dude doesn't see me, but i see him, so i reach out and tap him on the shoulder, and we exchange pleasantries. Dude and i are still friends and talk from time to time, so it wasn't an awkward reunion at all, but i was simultaneously amused and irritated at his commentary when he saw me.
"wow," he kept saying over and over. "i can't believe that you're in here." "i just knew i'd see the 12 disciples before i'd ever see you." "i need to take a picture of this and post it to your blog." etc etc etc....
now sure, his commentary was humorous, but it also got on my nerves. i've written a blog about this topic on some levels before (see: same 'ol beans) about the shocked reactions that i got from a friend this summer when we hung out. 'who knew KW could kick it?' she said to me. ummmm...everyone who's known me for more than 6 months to a year, that's who...lol.
though i consider myself a spiritually-grounded person, i don't try to walk around with a halo on my head. i love justice and do mercy (as JC commanded), but i also listen to secular music, have an occassional glass of wine, hold grudges for a little bit too long when someone hurts my feelings, and let expletives fly from time to time (primarily when dealing with road rage). i am certainly a work-in-progress, and though i am not everything i want to be...i am most CERTAINLY not what i USED to be. when i go out now (on the rare ocassions that i do), i dance but nothing is being 'dropped like it's hot,' i may flirt, but i'm going home alone, and singing along to certain songs does sometimes make my ears and tongue burn now when it didn't in the past, but i still find myself bobbing my head and being sorry about it later, lol.
age, life experience, and children will many times grow you up, mellow you out, and settle you down if you weren't already settled. though i have always been an old soul, i've ALWAYS loved to have a good time, as my old friends will attest. along the way, i've lost a bit of myself, so, in my neverending 'new year, new you' campaign, i am spending time cultivating the KW in me--with all of her quirks and idiosyncracies. that includes stepping out from time to time, to ppl watch, dance, and hear good music. i'm saved, but not dead...and if my salvation could be cancelled by doing something 'less-than'holy,' (whatever that means), God would've been done with me--and all of us--a long time ago.
so give His Daughter a break: i'm saved, but not dead.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
diva: [def] a female version of a hustla...
my blogs are oftentimes borne out of weird, hodgepodge, and otherwise unrelated places....swirling around in my head, they spin into an 'aha!' moment...my fingers start to itch...and i gotta write-write-write! elements of this blog have been swirling since last Friday night, and i finally got enough material to sit down and get it out.
so, here i go.
today is my Sorority's Founders' Day. 101 years ago today, our organization was founded on the campus of Howard University in Washington, DC., yadda yadda yadda. we celebrated our 100- year milestone in grand fashion this past summer, so this is nice icing to a year past of reflection. anyway, to my point. last week, a friend and i were talking about sororities and she called me a 'sorority chick.' she was saying it in jest, so i laughed, but was like 'naw, homie. ' just happen to be a chick who's IN a sorority. it got me to thinking about labels/definitions/categories that, not only others put us in, but we also put ourselves in.
so a blog was conceived...but not yet borne.
then yesterday, my company laid off 16 ppl in our Regional Office. for an office of less than 100 ppl, 16 ppl is a LOT of ppl. many of these ppl had worked their WHOLE careers--25+ years at my company--so as you can imagine, they are in a state of shock as this is all...and i mean ALL..that they're ever known, from a work perspective. and, that isn't to be taken lightly, when, we all know that we spend more time at work with our 'work families' then we do with the biologicals families that we're trying to feed, picking that Cotton each and everyday.
so, here we are today.
whether we want to admit it or not, so much of how we and others define ourselves, is tied up in what we DO. we all know the script when we meet someone at a networking or social event. after initial pleasantries are exchanged, one of the first things we ask is 'what do you do?' we wax poetic about our jobs...and for someone like me, inevitably after i tell someone i'm an underwriter, they ask "what the heck is that?" (not in those exact words, but you get my point, LOL).
so, as our jobs become such a part of our identities (among all of the other roles that we play), you can imagine how gut-wrenching it must feel when that is snatched away from you. sure, the monetary blow is certainly an issue--the main issue--as you try to figure out how you will get by until you find something else. along with that, what about that loss of identity? working your butt off for 5, 10, 15 years for a company and then being shown the door, with a 30 or 60-day consolation prize, otherwise known as a severance package.
a sororfriend of mine got laid off some years ago, went into business for herself for a while, and is now in between careers trying to figure out her next move. she told me that one of the hardest questions she has to answer is when she's at work or personal functions with her husband, and ppl ask her 'so, what do YOU do?' whether it's forced/a decision/or some combination of the two, being 'in-between jobs' can certainly be a blow to one's ego and one's spirit.
as millions of ppl around the country recieve that news that no one wants to hear, and are forced to pack their boxes and head to the unemployment line, i hope that we will all continue to live our lives with a constant Attitude of Gratitude--being grateful for the big AND the small things...looking forward to the future with hope, and constantly reminding ourselves of WHO we are...and WHOSE we are, even in the midst of tremendous uncertainty.
so, here i go.
today is my Sorority's Founders' Day. 101 years ago today, our organization was founded on the campus of Howard University in Washington, DC., yadda yadda yadda. we celebrated our 100- year milestone in grand fashion this past summer, so this is nice icing to a year past of reflection. anyway, to my point. last week, a friend and i were talking about sororities and she called me a 'sorority chick.' she was saying it in jest, so i laughed, but was like 'naw, homie. ' just happen to be a chick who's IN a sorority. it got me to thinking about labels/definitions/categories that, not only others put us in, but we also put ourselves in.
so a blog was conceived...but not yet borne.
then yesterday, my company laid off 16 ppl in our Regional Office. for an office of less than 100 ppl, 16 ppl is a LOT of ppl. many of these ppl had worked their WHOLE careers--25+ years at my company--so as you can imagine, they are in a state of shock as this is all...and i mean ALL..that they're ever known, from a work perspective. and, that isn't to be taken lightly, when, we all know that we spend more time at work with our 'work families' then we do with the biologicals families that we're trying to feed, picking that Cotton each and everyday.
so, here we are today.
whether we want to admit it or not, so much of how we and others define ourselves, is tied up in what we DO. we all know the script when we meet someone at a networking or social event. after initial pleasantries are exchanged, one of the first things we ask is 'what do you do?' we wax poetic about our jobs...and for someone like me, inevitably after i tell someone i'm an underwriter, they ask "what the heck is that?" (not in those exact words, but you get my point, LOL).
so, as our jobs become such a part of our identities (among all of the other roles that we play), you can imagine how gut-wrenching it must feel when that is snatched away from you. sure, the monetary blow is certainly an issue--the main issue--as you try to figure out how you will get by until you find something else. along with that, what about that loss of identity? working your butt off for 5, 10, 15 years for a company and then being shown the door, with a 30 or 60-day consolation prize, otherwise known as a severance package.
a sororfriend of mine got laid off some years ago, went into business for herself for a while, and is now in between careers trying to figure out her next move. she told me that one of the hardest questions she has to answer is when she's at work or personal functions with her husband, and ppl ask her 'so, what do YOU do?' whether it's forced/a decision/or some combination of the two, being 'in-between jobs' can certainly be a blow to one's ego and one's spirit.
as millions of ppl around the country recieve that news that no one wants to hear, and are forced to pack their boxes and head to the unemployment line, i hope that we will all continue to live our lives with a constant Attitude of Gratitude--being grateful for the big AND the small things...looking forward to the future with hope, and constantly reminding ourselves of WHO we are...and WHOSE we are, even in the midst of tremendous uncertainty.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
gimme a hug
when PC was a baby, I used to pray for the day when she would be old enough to run towards me, screaming 'mommy-mommy-mommy' when i'd pick her up from school. the hug that i'd get from her would be the perfect way to erase any of the blips on the Radar Screen of Life that had come my way that day. those days are finally here, and i never tire of seeing her little face light up when i show up at the end of a long day. PC is quite the hugger, and it is her favorite way to show her love & adoration to her family and friends.
i am a proud hugger. physical touch is one of my Love Languages, and i delight in giving and receiving great hugs. inasmuch as i've perfected my firm handshake over the years (and i abhor anything less), i appreciate and cherish the heartwarming and healing power of a warm, enveloping embrace. whether between friends, lovers, family, or even strangers--a hug has the power to uplift, to encourage, to restore, and recharge.
as i've watched 3 friends experience family tragedy over the last few months, my heart has ached. once i got past the initial shock, grief/sadness for them and their families, speechlessness (not knowing what was appropriate to say) and helplessness, i wanted nothing more to reach out and hug them. i was informed of these tragedies via electronic means, so was not immediately able to squeeze a shoulder, or offer a comforting hug, but i've successfully been able to do so for 2 out of the 3 (the 3rd is non-hugger, though i do remember receiving a drunken hug from her on her birthday night, lol). for the 2 that i have hugged, i don't remember if we had ever hugged before these incidents, but on those days that we finally did--we just hugged and hugged and hugged. in some small way, i hope that my being there, offered a sliver of healing, even if for just a brief moment. the simultaneous simplicity & profundity of human touch.
coming from a family where affection was awkward, i didn't really find an outlet for the hugger-in-me until i grew up, had relationships, had a child of my own, and became comfortable expressing love to my friends and ultimately, family members. i've read about and heard from many singles, particularly those that live away from friends/family, that there are sometimes weeks that go by before they receive a hug. i can relate because, prior to PC, most of the time the only hug i would receive would be at church or at Sorority meeting. can you imagine...going days or even weeks without?? i feel blessed to have her on that same vein, but nothing like a good old-fashioned 'grown ppl' hug, even between friends.
i've heard many ppl say 2 things that they wished for, after a loved one dies: 1 more conversation and 1 more hug. with life being snatched out from under us left and right, it is certainly worth it to take the time to give a hug each day--to friends, to loved ones, even to a child who you may not know.
hugs are an antidote to life's many woes and have the power to encourage, restore, uplift, and recharge. why not prescribe one for someone today? you might be the only one that they receive all week...all month...or all year.
i am a proud hugger. physical touch is one of my Love Languages, and i delight in giving and receiving great hugs. inasmuch as i've perfected my firm handshake over the years (and i abhor anything less), i appreciate and cherish the heartwarming and healing power of a warm, enveloping embrace. whether between friends, lovers, family, or even strangers--a hug has the power to uplift, to encourage, to restore, and recharge.
as i've watched 3 friends experience family tragedy over the last few months, my heart has ached. once i got past the initial shock, grief/sadness for them and their families, speechlessness (not knowing what was appropriate to say) and helplessness, i wanted nothing more to reach out and hug them. i was informed of these tragedies via electronic means, so was not immediately able to squeeze a shoulder, or offer a comforting hug, but i've successfully been able to do so for 2 out of the 3 (the 3rd is non-hugger, though i do remember receiving a drunken hug from her on her birthday night, lol). for the 2 that i have hugged, i don't remember if we had ever hugged before these incidents, but on those days that we finally did--we just hugged and hugged and hugged. in some small way, i hope that my being there, offered a sliver of healing, even if for just a brief moment. the simultaneous simplicity & profundity of human touch.
coming from a family where affection was awkward, i didn't really find an outlet for the hugger-in-me until i grew up, had relationships, had a child of my own, and became comfortable expressing love to my friends and ultimately, family members. i've read about and heard from many singles, particularly those that live away from friends/family, that there are sometimes weeks that go by before they receive a hug. i can relate because, prior to PC, most of the time the only hug i would receive would be at church or at Sorority meeting. can you imagine...going days or even weeks without?? i feel blessed to have her on that same vein, but nothing like a good old-fashioned 'grown ppl' hug, even between friends.
i've heard many ppl say 2 things that they wished for, after a loved one dies: 1 more conversation and 1 more hug. with life being snatched out from under us left and right, it is certainly worth it to take the time to give a hug each day--to friends, to loved ones, even to a child who you may not know.
hugs are an antidote to life's many woes and have the power to encourage, restore, uplift, and recharge. why not prescribe one for someone today? you might be the only one that they receive all week...all month...or all year.
Saturday, January 10, 2009
bulletwound bandaids
on a listserv that i'm a member of, the topic of mental health--specifically, depression--came up as a hotly debated discussion thread this week. it was sparked by Oprah Winfrey's comments earlier this week about her weight reaching 200 lbs and some feelings of unhappiness/depression that she had in her own life. someone on this listserv made a comment to the tune of 'with all of the MONEY that O has, how could she POSSIBLY be depressed?,' which touched off a firestorm of ppl who couldn't believe that this comment had been made with any level of seriousness (it was). it acted as a confirmation of the still-lingering taboo of mental illness, especially in the Af-Am community, and particularly among Af-Am women, who are severely affected by this disease....and grossly undiagnosed.
i've touched on the topic of mental health in my blog before (see: get your mind right), and as someone who has benefited personally from therapy, and has seen the positive effect that it has had on others that i know, i am a fierce advocate for ppl getting help. no matter how much SOME of us smile on the outside, MOST of us are only one crisis/illness/tragedy away from falling into the abyss known as depression....a dark, sinking hole which can be conquered, but is extremely challenging to climb out of.
which brings me to the topic of today's blog. each of us has a soft spot in our hearts for something. most times these soft spots are borne out of our life's experiences--we might love animals because we grew up in a household with dogs, we may love children because we didn't have much of a childhood or were abused/neglected as a child. we might love shopping because perhaps we grew up poor and never had an opportunity to buy something nice for ourselves until we became adults. the list goes on and on. i have a soft spot for many things, but one area in particular is for hurting ppl, specifically women. because i have been (and sometimes still am) a hurting woman, struggling to make sense of it all...i can recognize that in other women, even when they cannot recognize it in themselves, and it pains me.
if more ppl (particularly women, but this goes for guys too) would be honest with themselves, they'd realize how they use things/ppl/behaviors to place a temporary salve on critical wounds. whether it's drowning oneself in food (i'm guilty of the Sorrowful Haagen-Daz Habit), alcohol, excessive spending, or meaningless sexual encounters with ppl we have no business entertaining--it is almost always a temporary anesthetic to a deeper injury. because you see, after the carton has been emptied of ice cream, the wine glass drained, the credit card swiped, or the orgasmic rendezvous completed--the emptiness is still there. the valley of depression still remains.
as we look forward into a new year and to all of the 'resolutions' and 'new year, new you' that we keep hearing...all of the catchy slogans (fine in '09, divine in '09, etc)...let us all make a commitment to get our mental health in order...in '09. just like our overall physical condition must be maintained in order for us to remain healthy, so must our minds/hearts. we must constantly do the work to remind ourselves of WHO and WHOSE we are--that we are loved by the Creator of this world and made in His image. that, painful situations are only temporary and this too shall pass. that someone always has it worse than us. that we are worth more than cheapening ourselves, our minds, our bodies, and our hearts by settling.
that there's nothing wrong with seeing someone (read: a therapist/doctor/spiritual advisor) when you just can't seem to shake the frown and the fake smile is killing you on the inside.
to quote Ne-Yo (can you believe it, lol?): we are TOO FLY to be depressed.
i've touched on the topic of mental health in my blog before (see: get your mind right), and as someone who has benefited personally from therapy, and has seen the positive effect that it has had on others that i know, i am a fierce advocate for ppl getting help. no matter how much SOME of us smile on the outside, MOST of us are only one crisis/illness/tragedy away from falling into the abyss known as depression....a dark, sinking hole which can be conquered, but is extremely challenging to climb out of.
which brings me to the topic of today's blog. each of us has a soft spot in our hearts for something. most times these soft spots are borne out of our life's experiences--we might love animals because we grew up in a household with dogs, we may love children because we didn't have much of a childhood or were abused/neglected as a child. we might love shopping because perhaps we grew up poor and never had an opportunity to buy something nice for ourselves until we became adults. the list goes on and on. i have a soft spot for many things, but one area in particular is for hurting ppl, specifically women. because i have been (and sometimes still am) a hurting woman, struggling to make sense of it all...i can recognize that in other women, even when they cannot recognize it in themselves, and it pains me.
if more ppl (particularly women, but this goes for guys too) would be honest with themselves, they'd realize how they use things/ppl/behaviors to place a temporary salve on critical wounds. whether it's drowning oneself in food (i'm guilty of the Sorrowful Haagen-Daz Habit), alcohol, excessive spending, or meaningless sexual encounters with ppl we have no business entertaining--it is almost always a temporary anesthetic to a deeper injury. because you see, after the carton has been emptied of ice cream, the wine glass drained, the credit card swiped, or the orgasmic rendezvous completed--the emptiness is still there. the valley of depression still remains.
as we look forward into a new year and to all of the 'resolutions' and 'new year, new you' that we keep hearing...all of the catchy slogans (fine in '09, divine in '09, etc)...let us all make a commitment to get our mental health in order...in '09. just like our overall physical condition must be maintained in order for us to remain healthy, so must our minds/hearts. we must constantly do the work to remind ourselves of WHO and WHOSE we are--that we are loved by the Creator of this world and made in His image. that, painful situations are only temporary and this too shall pass. that someone always has it worse than us. that we are worth more than cheapening ourselves, our minds, our bodies, and our hearts by settling.
that there's nothing wrong with seeing someone (read: a therapist/doctor/spiritual advisor) when you just can't seem to shake the frown and the fake smile is killing you on the inside.
to quote Ne-Yo (can you believe it, lol?): we are TOO FLY to be depressed.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
a LOVE revolution
i was talking with a friend today about reciprocity in relationships. she was asking how i felt about the notion of ppl always attracting the same kind of people in friendships/relationships (good & bad); that is, it being an indication of some issue that the person has that is somehow acting as a beacon of light, sending signals to Friend/Boo to come their way. i've written about this topic in the past ( pls see: fatal attraction), but after listening to her struggles, combined with a profound statement that my Pastor made during his sermon, i wanna add a different twist to it.
my friend's issue had to do with her feeling unreciprocated in her friendships/relationships. she feels as though she pours herself into these situations, yet continuously comes up short, attracting ppl that don't give a fraction of what she gives to their relationship, and ending up feeling empty and, in some ways, used. i listened intently as she told me about this because i can 100% relate. as a self-proclaimed Helper Elf and sacrificial friend, i try my darndest to go above and beyond for those that i love. tho just like most ppl i have a best friend , and others that may be closer to me (and know more of my deep, dark secrets, lol) than a casual acquaintance, i truly try to make sure that all whom i call friend (or boyfriend, where applicable) are treated equally--which, in my case, is like family. i try to go out of my way to do whatever i can, tangible & intangible, to be there for them, and to show that i care. now, i don't say all of this to try and toot my own horn, as i am merely repeating words that others have said to and about me regarding how i've treated them. but, to make my point and the point that my friend made to me:
sometimes, it's just not reciprocated.
it just isn't. and, that's not meant as a knock, but it's just the reality of life, and that many times what we do will not be returned in the way that we think it should be--if at all. but, we are called to do...to serve...to love...anyway.
Pastor made a statement in his message today which i will paraphrase here. in part, he said, '...it is both a radical and a revolutionary struggle to capture the elusive act of living a life of [unconditional/agape] love...'
unconditional. love without conditions. doing unto & for others without expectation that they will do anything back. resisting the urge to get upset/angry/hurt when they don't. looking inward at yourself and upward to God for validation of who you are, instead of waitin'/wishin'/hopin' for someone else to tell you/show you.
now, this isn't to say that we should maintain close relationships with ppl who are obviously using us or taking us for granted--i think we're all smarter than that. but, what it is saying is that, if you're going to do something for someone--BE YOU & DO IT. don't worry about a perceived reward that you might get from them by them trying to 'out-do" you on the next go 'round, cause guess what? they might not. so before you get mad about it, just manage your expectations--ppl show you who they are very early.
i was in the store yesterday and misplaced my car keys. frantically, i was looking all around the store, retracing my steps, while PC roamed aimlessly behind saying, 'what happened to it, Mommy?' as i prepared for the worst, i ran down my mental list of Ride-or-Die Homies that i knew i could call to come and scoop us up. the list was short, but length was unimportant as i knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that these individuals would've dropped whatever to come rescue PC and her frazzled Mama.
and i would've done the same.
loving without conditions is not something that comes easily, and, even after writing this blog and having been on a HS-mandated 'love, anyway' campaign since August of last year, i still struggle. but, as i continue to rest and abide in the person that i am, and my natural tendencies towards a soft heart, He continues to send little confirmations my way that i'm on the right track (ie the story above). and, in that, i no longer seek tangible validation from ppl, because i know that He is pleased.
my friend's issue had to do with her feeling unreciprocated in her friendships/relationships. she feels as though she pours herself into these situations, yet continuously comes up short, attracting ppl that don't give a fraction of what she gives to their relationship, and ending up feeling empty and, in some ways, used. i listened intently as she told me about this because i can 100% relate. as a self-proclaimed Helper Elf and sacrificial friend, i try my darndest to go above and beyond for those that i love. tho just like most ppl i have a best friend , and others that may be closer to me (and know more of my deep, dark secrets, lol) than a casual acquaintance, i truly try to make sure that all whom i call friend (or boyfriend, where applicable) are treated equally--which, in my case, is like family. i try to go out of my way to do whatever i can, tangible & intangible, to be there for them, and to show that i care. now, i don't say all of this to try and toot my own horn, as i am merely repeating words that others have said to and about me regarding how i've treated them. but, to make my point and the point that my friend made to me:
sometimes, it's just not reciprocated.
it just isn't. and, that's not meant as a knock, but it's just the reality of life, and that many times what we do will not be returned in the way that we think it should be--if at all. but, we are called to do...to serve...to love...anyway.
Pastor made a statement in his message today which i will paraphrase here. in part, he said, '...it is both a radical and a revolutionary struggle to capture the elusive act of living a life of [unconditional/agape] love...'
unconditional. love without conditions. doing unto & for others without expectation that they will do anything back. resisting the urge to get upset/angry/hurt when they don't. looking inward at yourself and upward to God for validation of who you are, instead of waitin'/wishin'/hopin' for someone else to tell you/show you.
now, this isn't to say that we should maintain close relationships with ppl who are obviously using us or taking us for granted--i think we're all smarter than that. but, what it is saying is that, if you're going to do something for someone--BE YOU & DO IT. don't worry about a perceived reward that you might get from them by them trying to 'out-do" you on the next go 'round, cause guess what? they might not. so before you get mad about it, just manage your expectations--ppl show you who they are very early.
i was in the store yesterday and misplaced my car keys. frantically, i was looking all around the store, retracing my steps, while PC roamed aimlessly behind saying, 'what happened to it, Mommy?' as i prepared for the worst, i ran down my mental list of Ride-or-Die Homies that i knew i could call to come and scoop us up. the list was short, but length was unimportant as i knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that these individuals would've dropped whatever to come rescue PC and her frazzled Mama.
and i would've done the same.
loving without conditions is not something that comes easily, and, even after writing this blog and having been on a HS-mandated 'love, anyway' campaign since August of last year, i still struggle. but, as i continue to rest and abide in the person that i am, and my natural tendencies towards a soft heart, He continues to send little confirmations my way that i'm on the right track (ie the story above). and, in that, i no longer seek tangible validation from ppl, because i know that He is pleased.
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