so, it's Day 3 of Lent, and i'm feeling pretty good. i've implemented the changes that i wanted to make over this time period, been praying a LOT more and filling my mind and spirit with the Word of God/positive messages, and really just been feeling a sense of peace/calm in the midst of a hectic life. i'm proud to say that i've only fallen off the wagon twice--i bit my nails and cursed during hectic traffic yesterday...while my gospel music CD was playing. i know, i know, i ought be 'shamed..but, hey, what can I say? i'm a WIP.
as part of this season of reflection, i decided to give up complaining. it's been brutal, ya'll, ESPECIALLY because i've had lots of subject matter to complain about (and laugh about) when it comes to these Speed Dating debacles. however, in keeping in line with the commitment that i made to myself and to God, imma not complain, but i am going to give my Humble Opinion about an issue that is near and dear to my heart.
(*in the best grandmotherly-voice that i can muster)
'Baby, he's just not that into you (me)...and that's OK!!"
i dont consider myself to be a relationship expert by any means. i'm not currently in a relationship and honestly havent had what i would consider to be a successful one, since i've yet to tie the knot. however, what i DO know is that i've learned some lessons over the years--thru my own experiences and those of ppl that i love, and one theme that continues to scream out at me is this:
we DON'T have to settle.
now, the word "settling" tends to get folks in trouble. why? bc settling means different things to different ppl. to one person, it could mean dating someone who is not their physical ideal. to another, it could be dating someone who has less education than they do. to someone else it could mean the difference between a man (or woman) with children vs. one without. but 'settling', semantically, gets a bad a rap bc it implies being judgemental or closeminded. i agree that sometime the definition of settling could be construed that way, but it also think that for forward thinking ppl that know better (and have the T-shirt to prove it), it goes a lot deeper than that.
my close friends come to me to vent about their relationship issues often. i listen, i encourage, i ask questions, and i try to give them perspective that is as unbiased/unemotional as possible. contrary to popular belief, despite the crazy mess that i've been thru, i am VERY quick to give someone the B of the D....but only for so long. why? bc, call me old-fashioned, but, i do think that there are inherent things that a man does to show his interest in you....and things that when they're not happening, indicate disinterest/flaky/other things going on. period. when a person shows that interest in you, it is up to you to determine whether you are interested back, if this is the right person/right situation, etc. and move forward. it is not up to you, however to make excuses for behavior that is out of step with what is reasonable and customary, in your mind/heart, to you and what you are looking for. this doesnt take away our responsibility as women to show that we are interested and to make effort as well...but, it is not our responsibility to chase or to
case in point. the book (and now, movie) 'he's just not that into you' became the dating bible for many women 5 years ago. written by a man (with commentary by a woman) it contained common-sense talking points/lessons for women to take heed to in dating/relating. such things as 'he's just not that into you if he's not calling you" or "he's just not that into you if hes not asking you out/asking to spend time with you?" simple, right? i think so, yet i've found myself, in discussions with some of my friends, having to defend the fact that i think it's unacceptable for a dude that i'm casually 'dating' ( if you wanna call it that)...to sporadically return phone calls/texts days later....or to call very late at night when he knows i'm sleeping...or to let weeks go by without even so much as asking me out on a date (not asking me to 'stop by'..but a DATE). and, yes, i've given the requisite B of the D with respects to work/life...however, again, call me crazy, but in the age of cell phones/email/BBs etc......umm.....yeah...there's no excuse.
that's a major turnoff for me...and i'm not "settling" for flaky. why? bc i am not flaky in return.
as one of my friends says "there's a lid for every pot" and i believe that. though i dont believe in relationship perfection (nor do i think HJNTIY is the "Bible:), what i do believe is that cadence happens between two ppl who are on the same page. my good girlfriend met her bf online. he emailed her and it took her a week to get back to him bc she needed to work thru some things (which she shared with him). once they chatted it up, they went on a date, and their relationship has beautifully evolved. there's never been an issue with communication and consistency, because it is important to both of them. she's never had to take a sip from that tall glass of water, because of his lack of follow-thru. and, just like any couple, they have their challenges, but, she knew, fiundamentally, that he was committed to the cause of making a positive and authentic impression on her from the beginning.
so, without really 'complaining', i've given ya'll the scoop on one of the Mutual Matches...and how i feel about his effort...or the lack thereof...and, the good news is: I'm OK! Cause tho we had good convo, etc.....the time that i have put into making an effort hasn't been mirrored....which is certainly not a precedent that i'm trying to put in place.
what you accept you teach as acceptable..and settlin' aint acceptable to me.
so, as Kat Williams so eloquently said:
"i'll wait."
Friday, February 27, 2009
Monday, February 23, 2009
give it up
so, the Lenten season will be upon us this coming Weds and the question on the lips of a lot of believers is 'what am i gonna give up for Lent?' the items range from fried foods to alcohol to sweets to sex, and everything else in between, and whether one is a devout Catholic or a nondenominational Protestant, the Lenten season can be one of reflection and restoration as we await the celebration of the Resurrection on Easter Sunday.
i've been struggling with what i am going to 'give up.' i want my sacrifice to be one devoid of fluff and truly one that it is going to indirectly cause me some 'suffering' and stretching of myself to be disciplined. i was talking to a friend earlier today as we mused over our Lenten offerings. we've committed to supporting each other through the process as we collectively give up nail-biting (a bad habit that we both share) and laziness...and, individually, sacrifice daily caffeine fixes and sleeping with the BB underneath the pillow. we discussed the fact that we want the sacrifice to be a representation of Christ's sacrifice for us, and not something that we'll just push to the side for 40 days, while replacing it (or the feeling it gives us) with something else.
listening to ppl lament about what they're giving up for Lent reminds me of the New Year's Resolutions that most of us make on Jan. 1st. The excitement of the New Year and new beginning inspires us to 'get our stuff together,' yet, truth be told, by February, we've likely fallen off the wagon, atleast on some things. it's hard to find that glue that makes it all stick, and bad habits are certainly hard to break.
no matter our belief systems, i hope that we will all look at the next 40 days (beginning feb. 25th on Ash Wednesday) as a time to discipline ourselves and maybe feel some pain as we muddle thru. whether it is givng up a favorite food, a technology addiction, or a nervous habit, i am certain that we all have some areas that, if we truly put our minds to it and forced ourselves to stay on the straight-and-narrow, we could overcome.
i told my friend today that i am not only giving up the nail-biting, but also devising a plan to 'fast' from certain attitudes and behaviors. for me, i want to spend the next 40 days fasting from pessimistic thoughts, living out worst-case-scenarios only in my work life as an underwriter and NOT in my personal life. i want to fast from worry, and instead, when i feel like worrying, praying. i want to fast from all of the doom-and-gloom that permeates the news these days, and instead focus on the many good things that are happening in the world.
and when i'm feeling a little weak, my plan is to lean on God and on my fasting partners, and they on me...with the hope that we'll emerge on the other side of the 40 days a little stronger, and little wiser....
and a little 'leaner' from the things that we gave up.
i've been struggling with what i am going to 'give up.' i want my sacrifice to be one devoid of fluff and truly one that it is going to indirectly cause me some 'suffering' and stretching of myself to be disciplined. i was talking to a friend earlier today as we mused over our Lenten offerings. we've committed to supporting each other through the process as we collectively give up nail-biting (a bad habit that we both share) and laziness...and, individually, sacrifice daily caffeine fixes and sleeping with the BB underneath the pillow. we discussed the fact that we want the sacrifice to be a representation of Christ's sacrifice for us, and not something that we'll just push to the side for 40 days, while replacing it (or the feeling it gives us) with something else.
listening to ppl lament about what they're giving up for Lent reminds me of the New Year's Resolutions that most of us make on Jan. 1st. The excitement of the New Year and new beginning inspires us to 'get our stuff together,' yet, truth be told, by February, we've likely fallen off the wagon, atleast on some things. it's hard to find that glue that makes it all stick, and bad habits are certainly hard to break.
no matter our belief systems, i hope that we will all look at the next 40 days (beginning feb. 25th on Ash Wednesday) as a time to discipline ourselves and maybe feel some pain as we muddle thru. whether it is givng up a favorite food, a technology addiction, or a nervous habit, i am certain that we all have some areas that, if we truly put our minds to it and forced ourselves to stay on the straight-and-narrow, we could overcome.
i told my friend today that i am not only giving up the nail-biting, but also devising a plan to 'fast' from certain attitudes and behaviors. for me, i want to spend the next 40 days fasting from pessimistic thoughts, living out worst-case-scenarios only in my work life as an underwriter and NOT in my personal life. i want to fast from worry, and instead, when i feel like worrying, praying. i want to fast from all of the doom-and-gloom that permeates the news these days, and instead focus on the many good things that are happening in the world.
and when i'm feeling a little weak, my plan is to lean on God and on my fasting partners, and they on me...with the hope that we'll emerge on the other side of the 40 days a little stronger, and little wiser....
and a little 'leaner' from the things that we gave up.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
0-60
so, this past week, i went to a Speed-Dating event here in Chicago. for those of you who don't know, Speed-Dating is where you go to a venue, there are equal amounts of guys & girls, and the guys rotate from table to table for quick 5-min "dates." at the end of the night, you fill out a card with the names of the guys you were interested in and vice versa, and if there is a mutual match, you will receive an email with that person's contact information, and then you can go from there. Speed-Dating has been around for atleast 6-7 yrs, as i remember seeing email advertisements when i first moved here. the unfortunate thing was, there weren't many Speed-Dating events geared towards "urban" professionals (read: Af-Ams), so up until last spring, i had never attended one of the events. a couple of weeks ago, i received an email invite, and fwded it to one of my friends. we both said 'why not?' and decided to register and go. worst case--we'd go, have a couple of drinks/laughs, and go home. best case--we'd go, have a couple of drinks/laughs, and go home with a few matches...in our POCKETS.
the day of Speed Dating, i was feeling ho-hum about it. i had had a rough week leading up to it, and wasn't sure if i should even still go. the day of, it was raining, my hair was doing it's own thing, and i just wasn't really feeling it. midday, after a series of unfortunate events, i decided not to go......and held fast to that....until my friend made a pit stop at my house to change clothes and convinced me, with just minutes to spare, to put some clothes on, comb my hair, and go. so, i dropped PC off at the sitter (that i had previously cancelled) and off we went to Speed Dating.
long story short, it turned out to be a SUPER-fun time! being the shy person that i am (yes, i'm telling the truth), i actually felt like i was in my element! small-talk with perfect strangers, no pressure, flattering & flirtatious comments...it was cool. i wasn't certain that i'd walk away with any matches, as in my last experience i came up with a big fat ZERO...but i also didn't go to this event with any expectations....other than to have a good time, meet some cool ppl, and see what would happen.
and, that's EXACTLY what happened.....
a couple of days later, i received an email and found that i had FOUR mutual matches--i was pleasantly surprised, and allowed my ego to bask in the moment for just a bit. i reached out via text to each of my matches, and to this point, we've all spoken either via text/phone or both.
i have no idea how these matches will 'develop,' if at all, but what i do know is nothing happens by accident...and it was no accident that i ultimately decided to go out that night. i walked out of there with a slight pep-in-my-step like 'yeah, i've still got it" LOL....and that was a nice feeling.
cheers to 'the-need-for-Speed'......Dating, that is.... *wink*
the day of Speed Dating, i was feeling ho-hum about it. i had had a rough week leading up to it, and wasn't sure if i should even still go. the day of, it was raining, my hair was doing it's own thing, and i just wasn't really feeling it. midday, after a series of unfortunate events, i decided not to go......and held fast to that....until my friend made a pit stop at my house to change clothes and convinced me, with just minutes to spare, to put some clothes on, comb my hair, and go. so, i dropped PC off at the sitter (that i had previously cancelled) and off we went to Speed Dating.
long story short, it turned out to be a SUPER-fun time! being the shy person that i am (yes, i'm telling the truth), i actually felt like i was in my element! small-talk with perfect strangers, no pressure, flattering & flirtatious comments...it was cool. i wasn't certain that i'd walk away with any matches, as in my last experience i came up with a big fat ZERO...but i also didn't go to this event with any expectations....other than to have a good time, meet some cool ppl, and see what would happen.
and, that's EXACTLY what happened.....
a couple of days later, i received an email and found that i had FOUR mutual matches--i was pleasantly surprised, and allowed my ego to bask in the moment for just a bit. i reached out via text to each of my matches, and to this point, we've all spoken either via text/phone or both.
i have no idea how these matches will 'develop,' if at all, but what i do know is nothing happens by accident...and it was no accident that i ultimately decided to go out that night. i walked out of there with a slight pep-in-my-step like 'yeah, i've still got it" LOL....and that was a nice feeling.
cheers to 'the-need-for-Speed'......Dating, that is.... *wink*
Friday, February 13, 2009
a Happy Heart
i just returned from an impromptu Retail Therapy session with a friend. i wasn't planning on doing any shopping tonight, but after my original plans fell apart due to sitter issues, i figured a couple hours of walking the aisles, picking up stuff i didnt need to buy and chasing PC after she got aggravated with sitting in the cart, would do me good. and, it did.
V-Day is upon us, and it was no more present than when i walked into our local Mega Retailer. barely 5 feet into the automatic doors, customers were bombarded with all things V-Day: candy, stuffed animals, cards, and other trinkets....enough to make one's head spin--and at rock bottom prices too! as i admired all of the goodies (and picked up a few things for PC's V-Day gift basket), i chuckled to myself....for all intents and purposes, i should've been feeling down based upon my recent struggles. you see, i don't have a Valentine, and the last time that i had one on Valentine's Day was in 2004, the year that I dated Young Tender. despite our age difference (yes, he was legal, LOL), that was, by far, my best relationship...and spending a long weekend in Nashville--sightseeing, having fancy dinners, and just hanging out, was my best V-Day. it's been pretty much downhill from there, LOL.
in all seriousness, i was able to chuckle to myself because i feel like my baby steps are working. sure, i don't have any romantic plans tomorrow night for dinner/dancing/gazing into some fine man's eyes. i am not expecting a flower delivery or a box of chocolates. all of my girlfriends have been giddy with glee all week telling me about their plans with their SOs, and i'll likely be on the couch watching a movie from Redbox and eating Chinese takeout.
yet, i have a Happy Heart.
i have a Happy Heart because of the Valentines that i DO have in my life:
i'd be lying if i said that i didn't feel a twinge of "man, i wish i had something special or exciting to do with a Boo" tomorrow....so i won't. but, what i will say is that even though i don't, i am ok. i look forward to PC's face when she opens her gifts, my friend's reactions when they open their cards, and i even look forward to hearing all of the gushing about everyone's romantic evenings, after the fact.
i may not have a Valentine by the world's standards, but i certainly have much to celebrate.
to all of you: love you....mean it.
enjoy your V-Day.
V-Day is upon us, and it was no more present than when i walked into our local Mega Retailer. barely 5 feet into the automatic doors, customers were bombarded with all things V-Day: candy, stuffed animals, cards, and other trinkets....enough to make one's head spin--and at rock bottom prices too! as i admired all of the goodies (and picked up a few things for PC's V-Day gift basket), i chuckled to myself....for all intents and purposes, i should've been feeling down based upon my recent struggles. you see, i don't have a Valentine, and the last time that i had one on Valentine's Day was in 2004, the year that I dated Young Tender. despite our age difference (yes, he was legal, LOL), that was, by far, my best relationship...and spending a long weekend in Nashville--sightseeing, having fancy dinners, and just hanging out, was my best V-Day. it's been pretty much downhill from there, LOL.
in all seriousness, i was able to chuckle to myself because i feel like my baby steps are working. sure, i don't have any romantic plans tomorrow night for dinner/dancing/gazing into some fine man's eyes. i am not expecting a flower delivery or a box of chocolates. all of my girlfriends have been giddy with glee all week telling me about their plans with their SOs, and i'll likely be on the couch watching a movie from Redbox and eating Chinese takeout.
yet, i have a Happy Heart.
i have a Happy Heart because of the Valentines that i DO have in my life:
- God, with His love that strengthens me on my worst days...and sustains me on all the rest.
- PC, whose unconditional love and joyful spirit bring such delight to me and to all that she encounters.
- My family as a whole, who never cease to be supportive and generous of heart
- My amazing friends, who allow me to douse them with my Love Languages of cards-for-no-reason, hugs, and an occasional sinful dessert or two
i'd be lying if i said that i didn't feel a twinge of "man, i wish i had something special or exciting to do with a Boo" tomorrow....so i won't. but, what i will say is that even though i don't, i am ok. i look forward to PC's face when she opens her gifts, my friend's reactions when they open their cards, and i even look forward to hearing all of the gushing about everyone's romantic evenings, after the fact.
i may not have a Valentine by the world's standards, but i certainly have much to celebrate.
to all of you: love you....mean it.
enjoy your V-Day.
Sunday, February 8, 2009
the [wo]man in the [broken] mirror
when i first got saved for real (and not for play) in 2005, i started attending a prayer group for other likeminded sisters who were looking to deepen their relationship with God through prayer, praise/worship, and fellowship with other believers. these sessions would always end up in a lot of weeping, speaking in tongues, and other expressions of the Holy Spirit that a novice like me was ignorant of. oftentimes, a word that would be used to describe where we were on our journey was broken--broken, cracked, even shattered vessels looking to God to put us back together again. though the concept made sense, i used to get frustrated because though i understood 'brokenness,' i didn't understand why it felt like no one was being 'fixed.' i remember commenting to one of my friends 'when are we gonna get PAST this? when does a person stop being BROKEN?'
a babe in Christ at that time, little did i know that brokenness never completely goes away...and that only when we are broken before Him, can He fill in the places within us that we've allowed to crack under the pressure of life and our own mess.
i've waxed poetic on this blog time and time again about how introspective that i think i am. my mind is constantly running (which isn't always a good thing, as it interrupts sleep and quiet time), and i spend a lot of time thinking....probably OVER-thinking/over-analyzing some might say. in so many areas, i guess i've felt like i had it all figured out, but then the inevitable happened--the HS came along and reminded of who i REALLY am, a broken, flawed vessel with some ugliness that needs to be cleaned out.
the Word tells us that we are but filthy rags, neither deserving nor worthy of all of the blessings & promises of God, but given them anyway because of His unconditional love & mercy toward us. as good as we THINK we are, we are almost always equal parts "bad"--not bad meaning evil or horrible, but bad in the sense that we are living below what He has commanded us to be--to Him, to one another, and to ourselves.
as God has broken me open since May of '08, i have had to take a hard look at myself--spray a little more Spiritual Windex on my mirror and really take a hard look at the woman that is staring back at me. during quiet time these past few days, His voice has visited me ever so gently and nudged me, reminding me of some ugly things that rest just beneath the surface that have no business being there and need to FLEE.
i believe that spiritual awakening comes not by works or good deeds (though doing good towards each other is surely an expression of love toward good). spiritual awakening comes when we come to really know who we have been made & called to be, and how that translates into how we live our lives. spiritual awakening comes when you can look in the mirror and be disgusted by the 'ugly' that you see and want nothing more than to clean it up...to be made over.
as i looked into my mirror these last couple of days, i noticed a few things about myself (this list is not all-inclusive):
i've been selfish--in thought, in action, in expectation.
i've hurt ppl who i care about--in thought, in action, in INaction.
i've been unsupportive & in some ways judgmental
i've harbored hurt feelings, envy, and resentment from my past that have colored how i've dealt with my present.
i've jumped thru hoops for folks who i know wouldnt do the same for me...while subconsciously neglecting those relationships that were tried & true.
in all these things, i've been MUCH less than He has made me to be. my heart is grieved first for disappointing Him, secondly for disappointing others, and lastly, for disappointing myself.
why? because i know better.
i've been through too much and overcome/been delivered from too much to still deal with the ugliness that i listed above. yet, it stalks me...and me, who knows better and has all the tools to FIGHT it...has allowed it to permeate my very being...to eat away at the joy in my spirit....to cause distance/division in meaningful relationships....
to tear me away from what He would have for me to do.
so, today, i am broken open. having nothing to do but deal with KW's mess, i am. in His face, begging for discernment, for forgiveness, for healing, for deliverance.
even on our best days, Beloved, we ALL have ugly. i challenge each of you to really take the time to look in your own Broken Mirrors--to do a spiritual inventory of where you are, WHO you are, and WHO you should be.
to give apologies where necessary (to God, yourself, and others) , to mend where there are tears, and to make a commitment to always do better going forward.
because you see, we will forever be broken in one way or the other--if we weren't, there would be no need for God. but we CAN overcome and be the ppl that we were made to be, in spite of and despite the outside influences and variables that pervade our everyday lives.
the Potter truly wants to put you back together again--will you allow Him?
the process is painstaking and delicate, but worth every moment.
here's to Spiritual Repair.
a babe in Christ at that time, little did i know that brokenness never completely goes away...and that only when we are broken before Him, can He fill in the places within us that we've allowed to crack under the pressure of life and our own mess.
i've waxed poetic on this blog time and time again about how introspective that i think i am. my mind is constantly running (which isn't always a good thing, as it interrupts sleep and quiet time), and i spend a lot of time thinking....probably OVER-thinking/over-analyzing some might say. in so many areas, i guess i've felt like i had it all figured out, but then the inevitable happened--the HS came along and reminded of who i REALLY am, a broken, flawed vessel with some ugliness that needs to be cleaned out.
the Word tells us that we are but filthy rags, neither deserving nor worthy of all of the blessings & promises of God, but given them anyway because of His unconditional love & mercy toward us. as good as we THINK we are, we are almost always equal parts "bad"--not bad meaning evil or horrible, but bad in the sense that we are living below what He has commanded us to be--to Him, to one another, and to ourselves.
as God has broken me open since May of '08, i have had to take a hard look at myself--spray a little more Spiritual Windex on my mirror and really take a hard look at the woman that is staring back at me. during quiet time these past few days, His voice has visited me ever so gently and nudged me, reminding me of some ugly things that rest just beneath the surface that have no business being there and need to FLEE.
i believe that spiritual awakening comes not by works or good deeds (though doing good towards each other is surely an expression of love toward good). spiritual awakening comes when we come to really know who we have been made & called to be, and how that translates into how we live our lives. spiritual awakening comes when you can look in the mirror and be disgusted by the 'ugly' that you see and want nothing more than to clean it up...to be made over.
as i looked into my mirror these last couple of days, i noticed a few things about myself (this list is not all-inclusive):
i've been selfish--in thought, in action, in expectation.
i've hurt ppl who i care about--in thought, in action, in INaction.
i've been unsupportive & in some ways judgmental
i've harbored hurt feelings, envy, and resentment from my past that have colored how i've dealt with my present.
i've jumped thru hoops for folks who i know wouldnt do the same for me...while subconsciously neglecting those relationships that were tried & true.
in all these things, i've been MUCH less than He has made me to be. my heart is grieved first for disappointing Him, secondly for disappointing others, and lastly, for disappointing myself.
why? because i know better.
i've been through too much and overcome/been delivered from too much to still deal with the ugliness that i listed above. yet, it stalks me...and me, who knows better and has all the tools to FIGHT it...has allowed it to permeate my very being...to eat away at the joy in my spirit....to cause distance/division in meaningful relationships....
to tear me away from what He would have for me to do.
so, today, i am broken open. having nothing to do but deal with KW's mess, i am. in His face, begging for discernment, for forgiveness, for healing, for deliverance.
even on our best days, Beloved, we ALL have ugly. i challenge each of you to really take the time to look in your own Broken Mirrors--to do a spiritual inventory of where you are, WHO you are, and WHO you should be.
to give apologies where necessary (to God, yourself, and others) , to mend where there are tears, and to make a commitment to always do better going forward.
because you see, we will forever be broken in one way or the other--if we weren't, there would be no need for God. but we CAN overcome and be the ppl that we were made to be, in spite of and despite the outside influences and variables that pervade our everyday lives.
the Potter truly wants to put you back together again--will you allow Him?
the process is painstaking and delicate, but worth every moment.
here's to Spiritual Repair.
Friday, February 6, 2009
soooo FUNKdafied
i struggled with posting this blog today....had been un-inspired for most of the week-busy with work, exhausted in general, and in many ways, feeling--as a friend calls it--blue.
for those that know me (or have vicariously gotten to know me via this blog), you know that i've been an interesting season of my life since May of last year. as this blog has chronicled, i've experienced tremendous joy and some pain that i'd rather forget. i've lost and i've gained. i've moved on and i've stayed stagnant. it has been a delicate dance of up & down as i've tried to find my way.
as i've struggled to put into words (both verbal & written) how i feel, i often feel like i come up short. i try to explain to those closest to me 'what's really good' with me, but it never quite seems to come out right. i try to quantify it for myself, but the pieces never quite seem to fit. i try to write, read, analyze, and draw conclusions, but the only one i ever come to is...
lately, it just seems like i just can't get right!
and then when i attempt to define what 'getting right' is...i draw a blank.
so, here i am in this Funk....
the unfortunate thing about this Funk is that it has started to adversely affect some of my interpersonal relationships, because it is compelling me to go into a self-imposed isolation (the ANTITHESIS of my personality). and, though i know ppl care and want to be there for me, it has been hard for me to allow them to care because...well.......i haven't been feeling very 'care-able.'
i think we all go through our ebbs and flows of happiness/unhappiness. as we know 'happiness' is just an emotion and will change, while joy runs deep and should be there even when things are not all the way that you'd like for them to be. unfortunately, there are times when both joy AND happiness appear just out of our reach, and we are like hamsters running on a wheel, trying to chase something that we never seem to be able to catch...or if we do, it slips right through our fingers.
we fool ourselves into thinking that we can go through this Funks, 'snap out of them' and be okay..but the truth is, the remedy is only temporary...and even if it takes years for them to come back, if the root is never destroyed, the seed will eventually get more water.
and this Funk....well, it kinda stinks.
hopeful for the sweet fragrance of peace, contentment, reconciliation, and BREAKTHROUGH soon!
for those that know me (or have vicariously gotten to know me via this blog), you know that i've been an interesting season of my life since May of last year. as this blog has chronicled, i've experienced tremendous joy and some pain that i'd rather forget. i've lost and i've gained. i've moved on and i've stayed stagnant. it has been a delicate dance of up & down as i've tried to find my way.
as i've struggled to put into words (both verbal & written) how i feel, i often feel like i come up short. i try to explain to those closest to me 'what's really good' with me, but it never quite seems to come out right. i try to quantify it for myself, but the pieces never quite seem to fit. i try to write, read, analyze, and draw conclusions, but the only one i ever come to is...
lately, it just seems like i just can't get right!
and then when i attempt to define what 'getting right' is...i draw a blank.
so, here i am in this Funk....
the unfortunate thing about this Funk is that it has started to adversely affect some of my interpersonal relationships, because it is compelling me to go into a self-imposed isolation (the ANTITHESIS of my personality). and, though i know ppl care and want to be there for me, it has been hard for me to allow them to care because...well.......i haven't been feeling very 'care-able.'
i think we all go through our ebbs and flows of happiness/unhappiness. as we know 'happiness' is just an emotion and will change, while joy runs deep and should be there even when things are not all the way that you'd like for them to be. unfortunately, there are times when both joy AND happiness appear just out of our reach, and we are like hamsters running on a wheel, trying to chase something that we never seem to be able to catch...or if we do, it slips right through our fingers.
we fool ourselves into thinking that we can go through this Funks, 'snap out of them' and be okay..but the truth is, the remedy is only temporary...and even if it takes years for them to come back, if the root is never destroyed, the seed will eventually get more water.
and this Funk....well, it kinda stinks.
hopeful for the sweet fragrance of peace, contentment, reconciliation, and BREAKTHROUGH soon!
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
more.
'more, Mommy!" PC says.
'more what, honey?' I ask.
'more rice. more chicken. more bread,' she pleads.
'here you go, darlin,' i say, as i scoop out second (and sometimes third!) helpings of her favorite foods.
this simple act makes my heart swell with gratitude, thanking God that, even in the midst of all of the turmoil in the world, our bellies are full....and i don't have to communicate a message that many parents do--'there is no more.'
i may not have everything that i WANT..but i certainly have everything that i NEED.
thanks be to God.
'more what, honey?' I ask.
'more rice. more chicken. more bread,' she pleads.
'here you go, darlin,' i say, as i scoop out second (and sometimes third!) helpings of her favorite foods.
this simple act makes my heart swell with gratitude, thanking God that, even in the midst of all of the turmoil in the world, our bellies are full....and i don't have to communicate a message that many parents do--'there is no more.'
i may not have everything that i WANT..but i certainly have everything that i NEED.
thanks be to God.
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