the [wo]man in the [broken] mirror

when i first got saved for real (and not for play) in 2005, i started attending a prayer group for other likeminded sisters who were looking to deepen their relationship with God through prayer, praise/worship, and fellowship with other believers. these sessions would always end up in a lot of weeping, speaking in tongues, and other expressions of the Holy Spirit that a novice like me was ignorant of. oftentimes, a word that would be used to describe where we were on our journey was broken--broken, cracked, even shattered vessels looking to God to put us back together again. though the concept made sense, i used to get frustrated because though i understood 'brokenness,' i didn't understand why it felt like no one was being 'fixed.' i remember commenting to one of my friends 'when are we gonna get PAST this? when does a person stop being BROKEN?'

a babe in Christ at that time, little did i know that brokenness never completely goes away...and that only when we are broken before Him, can He fill in the places within us that we've allowed to crack under the pressure of life and our own mess.

i've waxed poetic on this blog time and time again about how introspective that i think i am. my mind is constantly running (which isn't always a good thing, as it interrupts sleep and quiet time), and i spend a lot of time thinking....probably OVER-thinking/over-analyzing some might say. in so many areas, i guess i've felt like i had it all figured out, but then the inevitable happened--the HS came along and reminded of who i REALLY am, a broken, flawed vessel with some ugliness that needs to be cleaned out.

the Word tells us that we are but filthy rags, neither deserving nor worthy of all of the blessings & promises of God, but given them anyway because of His unconditional love & mercy toward us. as good as we THINK we are, we are almost always equal parts "bad"--not bad meaning evil or horrible, but bad in the sense that we are living below what He has commanded us to be--to Him, to one another, and to ourselves.

as God has broken me open since May of '08, i have had to take a hard look at myself--spray a little more Spiritual Windex on my mirror and really take a hard look at the woman that is staring back at me. during quiet time these past few days, His voice has visited me ever so gently and nudged me, reminding me of some ugly things that rest just beneath the surface that have no business being there and need to FLEE.

i believe that spiritual awakening comes not by works or good deeds (though doing good towards each other is surely an expression of love toward good). spiritual awakening comes when we come to really know who we have been made & called to be, and how that translates into how we live our lives. spiritual awakening comes when you can look in the mirror and be disgusted by the 'ugly' that you see and want nothing more than to clean it up...to be made over.

as i looked into my mirror these last couple of days, i noticed a few things about myself (this list is not all-inclusive):

i've been selfish--in thought, in action, in expectation.
i've hurt ppl who i care about--in thought, in action, in INaction.
i've been unsupportive & in some ways judgmental
i've harbored hurt feelings, envy, and resentment from my past that have colored how i've dealt with my present.
i've jumped thru hoops for folks who i know wouldnt do the same for me...while subconsciously neglecting those relationships that were tried & true.

in all these things, i've been MUCH less than He has made me to be. my heart is grieved first for disappointing Him, secondly for disappointing others, and lastly, for disappointing myself.

why? because i know better.

i've been through too much and overcome/been delivered from too much to still deal with the ugliness that i listed above. yet, it stalks me...and me, who knows better and has all the tools to FIGHT it...has allowed it to permeate my very being...to eat away at the joy in my spirit....to cause distance/division in meaningful relationships....

to tear me away from what He would have for me to do.

so, today, i am broken open. having nothing to do but deal with KW's mess, i am. in His face, begging for discernment, for forgiveness, for healing, for deliverance.

even on our best days, Beloved, we ALL have ugly. i challenge each of you to really take the time to look in your own Broken Mirrors--to do a spiritual inventory of where you are, WHO you are, and WHO you should be.

to give apologies where necessary (to God, yourself, and others) , to mend where there are tears, and to make a commitment to always do better going forward.

because you see, we will forever be broken in one way or the other--if we weren't, there would be no need for God. but we CAN overcome and be the ppl that we were made to be, in spite of and despite the outside influences and variables that pervade our everyday lives.

the Potter truly wants to put you back together again--will you allow Him?

the process is painstaking and delicate, but worth every moment.

here's to Spiritual Repair.