settling the score

so, it's Day 3 of Lent, and i'm feeling pretty good. i've implemented the changes that i wanted to make over this time period, been praying a LOT more and filling my mind and spirit with the Word of God/positive messages, and really just been feeling a sense of peace/calm in the midst of a hectic life. i'm proud to say that i've only fallen off the wagon twice--i bit my nails and cursed during hectic traffic yesterday...while my gospel music CD was playing. i know, i know, i ought be 'shamed..but, hey, what can I say? i'm a WIP.

as part of this season of reflection, i decided to give up complaining. it's been brutal, ya'll, ESPECIALLY because i've had lots of subject matter to complain about (and laugh about) when it comes to these Speed Dating debacles. however, in keeping in line with the commitment that i made to myself and to God, imma not complain, but i am going to give my Humble Opinion about an issue that is near and dear to my heart.

(*in the best grandmotherly-voice that i can muster)

'Baby, he's just not that into you (me)...and that's OK!!"

i dont consider myself to be a relationship expert by any means. i'm not currently in a relationship and honestly havent had what i would consider to be a successful one, since i've yet to tie the knot. however, what i DO know is that i've learned some lessons over the years--thru my own experiences and those of ppl that i love, and one theme that continues to scream out at me is this:

we DON'T have to settle.

now, the word "settling" tends to get folks in trouble. why? bc settling means different things to different ppl. to one person, it could mean dating someone who is not their physical ideal. to another, it could be dating someone who has less education than they do. to someone else it could mean the difference between a man (or woman) with children vs. one without. but 'settling', semantically, gets a bad a rap bc it implies being judgemental or closeminded. i agree that sometime the definition of settling could be construed that way, but it also think that for forward thinking ppl that know better (and have the T-shirt to prove it), it goes a lot deeper than that.

my close friends come to me to vent about their relationship issues often. i listen, i encourage, i ask questions, and i try to give them perspective that is as unbiased/unemotional as possible. contrary to popular belief, despite the crazy mess that i've been thru, i am VERY quick to give someone the B of the D....but only for so long. why? bc, call me old-fashioned, but, i do think that there are inherent things that a man does to show his interest in you....and things that when they're not happening, indicate disinterest/flaky/other things going on. period. when a person shows that interest in you, it is up to you to determine whether you are interested back, if this is the right person/right situation, etc. and move forward. it is not up to you, however to make excuses for behavior that is out of step with what is reasonable and customary, in your mind/heart, to you and what you are looking for. this doesnt take away our responsibility as women to show that we are interested and to make effort as well...but, it is not our responsibility to chase or to

case in point. the book (and now, movie) 'he's just not that into you' became the dating bible for many women 5 years ago. written by a man (with commentary by a woman) it contained common-sense talking points/lessons for women to take heed to in dating/relating. such things as 'he's just not that into you if he's not calling you" or "he's just not that into you if hes not asking you out/asking to spend time with you?" simple, right? i think so, yet i've found myself, in discussions with some of my friends, having to defend the fact that i think it's unacceptable for a dude that i'm casually 'dating' ( if you wanna call it that)...to sporadically return phone calls/texts days later....or to call very late at night when he knows i'm sleeping...or to let weeks go by without even so much as asking me out on a date (not asking me to 'stop by'..but a DATE). and, yes, i've given the requisite B of the D with respects to work/life...however, again, call me crazy, but in the age of cell phones/email/BBs etc......umm.....yeah...there's no excuse.

that's a major turnoff for me...and i'm not "settling" for flaky. why? bc i am not flaky in return.

as one of my friends says "there's a lid for every pot" and i believe that. though i dont believe in relationship perfection (nor do i think HJNTIY is the "Bible:), what i do believe is that cadence happens between two ppl who are on the same page. my good girlfriend met her bf online. he emailed her and it took her a week to get back to him bc she needed to work thru some things (which she shared with him). once they chatted it up, they went on a date, and their relationship has beautifully evolved. there's never been an issue with communication and consistency, because it is important to both of them. she's never had to take a sip from that tall glass of water, because of his lack of follow-thru. and, just like any couple, they have their challenges, but, she knew, fiundamentally, that he was committed to the cause of making a positive and authentic impression on her from the beginning.

so, without really 'complaining', i've given ya'll the scoop on one of the Mutual Matches...and how i feel about his effort...or the lack thereof...and, the good news is: I'm OK! Cause tho we had good convo, etc.....the time that i have put into making an effort hasn't been mirrored....which is certainly not a precedent that i'm trying to put in place.

what you accept you teach as acceptable..and settlin' aint acceptable to me.

so, as Kat Williams so eloquently said:

"i'll wait."