i'll be that.....

i've been called a lot of things in this life--some good, some bad....but in the past week, i've been called two names that i think i will take with me on this new journey and treasure forever:

courageous

and....(brace yourself, lol)

ballsy (i know, i know).

as i was sharing with two friends of mine my plans for this next phase (while also venting about some of my frustrations) they reminded me that what i have decided to do makes me prime candidate to have those two adjectives placed in front of my name. again, simple words but very heavy meaning...and quite edifying, if i might add.

this has been one of those 'blessed assurance' weeks, very busy, at times stressful, but a gentle (and sometimes not-so-gentle) reminder, that i am exactly where i am supposed to be. as many of you reading this may know, i have begun a full-court-press exploration into pursuing full-time graduate studies in January of next year. this desire was not entirely borne out of my job loss as this has been the tug on my spirit for almost 5 years. however, i feel that i am divinely positioned now to be in the frame of mind/heart/spirit to actually DO it.

for many reasons over the last 5 years i said 'no'--i was working full-time, dealing with very demanding positions, i had an infant daughter, i was too busy/old/[insert descriptive word here]. i had a myriad of excuses for doing everything else for everyone else...and not answering the call that was tugging deep within me. as my life has shifted 180 degrees in the last 2 weeks, i can no longer allow my hopes/dreams/talents to be atrophied under the weight of 'maybe next year,' when 'next year' has already been thrust in my face.

and, so, here i am....still high off of an amazing all-day campus visit at one of the top seminaries in Chicago and in the entire country...blessedly assured that in 2010, if the Lord says the same, i will be entering a Masters of Divinity program, with a concentration in Pastoral Care/Counseling....5 years 'late,' but right on time :)

so, everyone's first question is: 'you're gonna be a pastor?' and the answer is, 'i don't think so.' i haven't necessarily heard a calling to be steward over an entire church, but i definitely feel drawn for further academic study and vocation. what will that ultimately look like? well, i will spend the next few years trying to figure that out! maybe i'll decide that being a 'professional student' is what i want and go on for a Phd.....maybe i'll determine that this draw i feel for the broken/hurting/wounded--particularly girls & women--will place me in a position of outreach in a faith-based nonprofit counseling center.....there are so many directions that this will take me...but the ONLY direction that i'm worried about is being right where He wants me to be.

when i left the school on Wednesday night after a long day of class visits, meals with students, meetings with professors, and an ending worship service, i felt a dual sense of excitement/anxiety (so much to do, so little time), and also of peace. i know that the road won't be easy--the life of a student never is--but i also know that it will be worth it. i am appreciative of all of the other (single) moms that have gone before me and have shown me that graduate degrees are indeed possible for those of us with young children who live in cities where we have no family. i am blessed to have many of them in my friend circle as examples.

i am blessed to have a great friend-- who is a graduate of the seminary that i am considering --who put the bug in my ear five years ago, and has gently reminded me ever since.

and, i am most grateful for everything working out for our good--setbacks/missteps/changes in plans --that somehow, someway, ultimately put us in position for that next great moment to live out our God-given purpose.

my story is not unusual, unique, nor am i any sort of saint....though i have tremendous faith, i struggle with doubt and insecurity from time to time, as the cares of life get heavy. but, i hope that through my sharing my lessons learned & my triumphs, you might too be inspired to hasten the Courageous and the Ballsy spirit that lives within you :)

clean house

so, i'm a reality show junkie and have just recently started watching that show 'Hoarders.' for those of you who don't know, 'Hoarders is a show that chronicles people with various stages of mental illness that hold onto (to the nth degree) stuff--their houses are overflowing with this, that, and the third to the point where they can barely walk around, ppl cannot come over to visit, etc. mental health professionals/professional organizers/clean-up crews come to these ppl's homes to assess the situation and to assist them with cleaning up the house and with getting help for whatever the issues are that are causing them to hoard in the first place.

to be honest, the show has been on for a while, but i initially didn't want to watch it. i was ashamed that i actually might be a hoarder and i couldn't stand to watch my 'issue' staring me in the face on reality TV! turns out i am nowhere NEAR the level of severity that these individuals are (even though i could stand to let the nostalgia go and purge a bunch of stuff, lol), but watching the show in relation to all that has changed in my own life in the last 7 days has not-so-gently reminded me that it's time to clean house!

it is often said that in every stage/season that you move into in your life, every person that's been with you in the past won't be able to go with you into the future. as cliche as that sounds, as i've reflected over the last week about launching into the deep unknown of 'Life after Corporate America,' i've been reminded, ever-so-harshly, that the road ahead will look very different than the one behind.

And...

the Cast of Characters will be decidedly different.

just like my career path for the last 7 years, i've kept some folks/ideas/thought patterns/behaviors around me out of comfort, while neglecting others who were solid standbys:

• great money/travel/perks trumped academic pursuits/ministry goals/true intellectual stimulation.
• abusive, mean-spirited 'frienemies' trumped loyal, honest, lovingly reciprocal friendships.
• insecurity and negative self-talk trumped knowing who i am/loving who i am, and NEVER having to defend that to anyone who truly knows who i am.

And the buck, my Beloved, stops here.

i refuse to walk boldly into this next season of my life, expecting GREAT things from the Father while conducting myself as if i am somehow below what He has promised for me. i cannot authentically say that i trust Him to provide for me go back to school full-time and be able to focus on that calling, while not trusting Him to give me back everything that I've lost along the way.

I cannot authentically share my story with all of you on a weekly basis and encourage all of you, if I am not authentically encouraging myself!

Matthew 7:6, 'For Colored Girls..' and spiritually-sound sista/warriorfriends have inspired this blog today. i hope that you'll remain in prayer for me, as i will for each of you, as i chronicle this next chapter in His Daughter's life:

'I've got some issues that nobody can see and all of these emotions are pouring out of me. I bring them to the light for you, it's only right. This is the soundtrack of my life.' ~Kid Cudi

forward...together, forward

it's been a minute since the last time i posted, and truth-be-told, my inspiration had been waning. i often wondered if the 'season' for my blog was over since i couldn't really think of much to write about anymore.....a friend of mine sent me a message the other week asking when i was gonna post again. i jokingly told her that "as soon as i could squeeze some literary blood out of the inspiration turnip" i'd be on it. here we are, just about 2 weeks later--and life has thrown some pretty decent inspiration my way. so, here goes.

as the old saying goes 'when life gives you lemons, make lemonade.' one of my good girlfriends is always repeating that saying to herself, to me, to others and has been intentional about living her life in that way. when she picked me up from my house yesterday to take me to run some errands, she handed me a greeting card and canister of CountryTime. You see, life had handed me some lemons just a couple of hours before that. and, as i had watched & admired her doing over time, it was now MY turn to make my own batch of lemonade.

yesterday morning, i lost my job. in losing my job, i lost a sense of 'security'--financially, medically (insurance-wise) and emotionally. i became one of the 10%+ of Americans who are currently out of work, for one reason or another. this turn of events didn't completely catch me off guard. things had been awry in one way or another at the gig for a while. when i was told a week ago to clear my schedule b/c my manager was flying into town to meet with me, i began to mentally & spiritually prepare myself for the worst-case scenario. and, at 10:30am yesterday, the worst-case scenario came true.

no amount of 'preparation' dilutes your natural human response to the death of something--whether it be natural death of a loved one (sudden or slow), death of a relationship, or death of a job--when the other shoe finally drops, it still shakes you up. i've spoken with some of my close friends about my fascination with the grieving process--how it works, how it doesn't work, the highs, the lows. and, with every 'death,' one must grieve what was and what can never be again while moving forward to what IS.

everyone's first two questions to me yesterday were: 1. Are you ok? (yes) and 2. What will you do next? (I don't know).

and I am enjoying being in a state of 'I don't know."

b/c you see, as i go thru the steps of figuring out the obvious--unemployment benefits, securing medical insurance for my child, adjusting my routine now that i am on the El vs. driving the free company car.....I am also given a moment to just think. to truly consider what i will do next, which may not be going back to the Rat Race as i've always known it.

as i packed up my office yesterday--unplugged my laptop & docking station, unhooked my ginormous printer/fax/copier, i felt a sense of relief. not in the sense of a huge burden being lifted, b/c there were aspects that i really enjoyed about my job...but just the burden of being able to finally answer the calling that has been nudging at me for so long--to find that vocation that makes my heart sing and to go after it, even if it means leaving behind all of the 'comforts" that i've grown accustomed to.

i must admit, i cried a few tears yesterday after all was said and done, but my JOY came back this morning. my daughter is healthy and well-adjusted, we have a place to live and food in our stomachs. the belt may have to be tightened for a while and some things that we used to do we won't be able to, but it will be an adventure. we are surrounded by loving friends and family and more importantly, a loving Father who hasn't failed us yet.

and i trust that at end of this current season, He will show me exactly where I need to be and what i need to be doing and that everything will work out for my good (as it always has before).

cheers to fresh-squeezed lemonade...and moving forward!