i'll be that.....

i've been called a lot of things in this life--some good, some bad....but in the past week, i've been called two names that i think i will take with me on this new journey and treasure forever:

courageous

and....(brace yourself, lol)

ballsy (i know, i know).

as i was sharing with two friends of mine my plans for this next phase (while also venting about some of my frustrations) they reminded me that what i have decided to do makes me prime candidate to have those two adjectives placed in front of my name. again, simple words but very heavy meaning...and quite edifying, if i might add.

this has been one of those 'blessed assurance' weeks, very busy, at times stressful, but a gentle (and sometimes not-so-gentle) reminder, that i am exactly where i am supposed to be. as many of you reading this may know, i have begun a full-court-press exploration into pursuing full-time graduate studies in January of next year. this desire was not entirely borne out of my job loss as this has been the tug on my spirit for almost 5 years. however, i feel that i am divinely positioned now to be in the frame of mind/heart/spirit to actually DO it.

for many reasons over the last 5 years i said 'no'--i was working full-time, dealing with very demanding positions, i had an infant daughter, i was too busy/old/[insert descriptive word here]. i had a myriad of excuses for doing everything else for everyone else...and not answering the call that was tugging deep within me. as my life has shifted 180 degrees in the last 2 weeks, i can no longer allow my hopes/dreams/talents to be atrophied under the weight of 'maybe next year,' when 'next year' has already been thrust in my face.

and, so, here i am....still high off of an amazing all-day campus visit at one of the top seminaries in Chicago and in the entire country...blessedly assured that in 2010, if the Lord says the same, i will be entering a Masters of Divinity program, with a concentration in Pastoral Care/Counseling....5 years 'late,' but right on time :)

so, everyone's first question is: 'you're gonna be a pastor?' and the answer is, 'i don't think so.' i haven't necessarily heard a calling to be steward over an entire church, but i definitely feel drawn for further academic study and vocation. what will that ultimately look like? well, i will spend the next few years trying to figure that out! maybe i'll decide that being a 'professional student' is what i want and go on for a Phd.....maybe i'll determine that this draw i feel for the broken/hurting/wounded--particularly girls & women--will place me in a position of outreach in a faith-based nonprofit counseling center.....there are so many directions that this will take me...but the ONLY direction that i'm worried about is being right where He wants me to be.

when i left the school on Wednesday night after a long day of class visits, meals with students, meetings with professors, and an ending worship service, i felt a dual sense of excitement/anxiety (so much to do, so little time), and also of peace. i know that the road won't be easy--the life of a student never is--but i also know that it will be worth it. i am appreciative of all of the other (single) moms that have gone before me and have shown me that graduate degrees are indeed possible for those of us with young children who live in cities where we have no family. i am blessed to have many of them in my friend circle as examples.

i am blessed to have a great friend-- who is a graduate of the seminary that i am considering --who put the bug in my ear five years ago, and has gently reminded me ever since.

and, i am most grateful for everything working out for our good--setbacks/missteps/changes in plans --that somehow, someway, ultimately put us in position for that next great moment to live out our God-given purpose.

my story is not unusual, unique, nor am i any sort of saint....though i have tremendous faith, i struggle with doubt and insecurity from time to time, as the cares of life get heavy. but, i hope that through my sharing my lessons learned & my triumphs, you might too be inspired to hasten the Courageous and the Ballsy spirit that lives within you :)