baggage claim

i love New Year's Eve. not just because of the confetti, fireworks, bubbly drinks, or revelry. not just because of Watch Night service at church, which serves as an inspiration to reflect on what God has done, and to look forward into the New Year. no. I love NYE most of all, because it forces me--an emotional packrat--to let go.

most of the time, i can admit, i walk around with a burdened heart. i take on the painful emotional burdens of ppl that i love (even without their knowledge), i carry around the burden of guilt/missed opportunity--things that i should've said/done, or even those things that i should not have said/done. i carry around the weight of my own hurt & scars, memories that aren't so easy to shake, and just when you think you've conquered them--something or someone comes along and acts as a reminder.

that's a lot for one person to carry on their back, right? yet, i do....and most of the time, i do a pretty good job of the balancing act, but every now and then, things get a little bit too heavy, and i reach my breaking point. but, being broken isn't always a bad thing. i look at it as a wake-up call--a second (or third, or fourth, or tenth) chance to get it right. it's like when you get sick and are confined to bed for a week with a really bad cold or the flu: oftentimes, it is our body's way of telling us that we're doing too much and we need to take a break. and, if we won't voluntarily take that break--we'll be forced to.

as i watch this year come to a close, i am able to look back with pride and with gratitude. in 2008, i've had some joy and i've had some pain. i've had some sunshine, and i've had some rain. i've learned some tough lessons, i've experienced loss, and i've experienced the 10-fold blessings that can come after loss. i've made new friends, and started a new job. i've been a mother for another year. i've watched family members and other loved ones go through major transitions, and supported them as best i could through those seasons. i've learned a lot about myself and made changes to myself--spiritually, emotionally, and even physically. i've taken chances, fallen on my face after a couple, but triumphed even more. in the midst of it all..

it was a very good year.

and though we know spiritually that God does not measure time in the way that we do--to Him one year is like 1 minute--this moving over from 2008 to 2009 offers us a fresh start. though ANY day is a great day to make a change, we know that much inspiration comes at the stroke of midnight on January 1st. if we are so blessed to make it to that date/time, we have yet another opportunity to get it right and live & love without boundaries.

so, as i finish this evening--quiet, at home, with PC sleeping soundly and some time to myself...i can thank God for how far He has brought me. there have been plenty of times when i have cried out to Him, wondering where He was and why He wasn't hearing me...and my faith here lately has been stretched to a place of borderline unbelief that i shudder even thinking about.

yet, i believe.

i believe that the best is yet to come...that my latter will be better than my former. that He has great things for me to do in this life, and that i have many more lives to touch and many more assignments to fulfill.

that in the new year, i will laugh more, love deeper, work harder, and live better.

that my experiences will continue to refine & shape the woman that i am to become.

and that all of the baggage of 2008 will be left...unclaimed...on the Carousel of No Return.

i will look forward with faith, forgetting those former things.

i will be grateful.

He has certainly done enough.

Happy New Year...

maybe next year...

as i've mentioned in one of my previous blogs, Christmastime is my favorite time of year. beyond the religious connotations of the holiday, which are the most important--i just love all things Christmas--songs, foodstuffs, wrapping gifts, etc. unfortunately, as i've also mentioned in one of my previous blogs, i really wasn't in the spirit this year for a number of reasons, and i woke up on thursday feeling like it was just another day. yes, i have PC, and in many ways, Christmas is all about the kids, but PC had been given her gifts from me early (and some saved for when we got home today) due to our travel schedule. looking forward, as she gets older, i will take a cue from some of my friends who are parents and who live in another state than their family and let PC celebrate Christmas at OUR house, with her toys/tree/etc...and ask family to come to us. in that way, i can create a sense of normalcy and cultivate our own family traditions.

but, i digress.

after a harrowing weekend of cancelled flights, dropoffs/pickups/dropoffs, and hour-long waits at Baggage Claim, i can truly say--i'm glad to be at home, and in my own bed. don't get me wrong--i love my mama and 'nem and enjoy going home, but i can only take it in doses...and 7 days is quite a dose, LOL.

when i got back tonight, i was catching up on some news and reading a blog on the Sun-Times website. the blog is written by Lacy Banks, a local sportswriter (who is also an ordained minister) and is currently battling brain & prostate cancer, and end-stage congestive heart failure. in many ways, he has made a lot of headway in his treatment/recovery, and his blog chronicles his journey with wit, wisdom, reality (no sugar-coating), and a healthy dose of faith. the blog he wrote on Christmas Eve focused on how much he and his wife love the Christmas season, and how he refused to let Death win--no matter what the prognosis, this would NOT be his final Christmas.

his blog hit me like a turn of bricks. here i am, 3 days after Christmas, wishing that i had spent more time getting in the spirit--not only for me, but also for PC. everytime i watch her excitedly press the button on her singing Christmas Dog stuffed animal and wiggle her little body in time with the tune, i think about what i could've done differently...and i kick myself as i try to figure out a way to make Christmas-after-Christmas for her this week coming up, even if it means scouring the stores for clearance-rack wrapping paper and ribbons, and recreating the moments in our living room.

you see, as i plowed through my Bah Humbug-ness, i kept saying to myself---i'll do it better next year. and, if the Lord says the same, i WILL go all out next year for PC, family, friends, and for myself. i am not thinking morbid thoughts or anything like that, but we all know that life is fleeting....and none of us--no matter how healthy or 'together' we appear today, are promised tomorrow. with that in mind, as cliche as it sounds, we ought to live & love without boundaries, simply because of this.

for all of you who are reading this, i hope that your holidays were magical in their own special way. realizing that we are human and we're all going through things, i also hope that if the light of Christmas was somehow dimmed due to the trials & tribulations of life--that the glimmer of hope which exists in the statement this too shall pass, helps to add a little illumination to your New Year's path.

carpe diem.

and ANOTHA thing...

a conversation with a friend today reminded me of a bad habit that i've tried to shake over the years. that bad habit is the need for closure a.k.a. the Last Word. the need for closure has reared its ugly head mostly in the realm of romantic relationships. many of my breakups haven't been so 'clean' and there have been times where i've been left holding the bag wondering who-what-when-where-and-why. struggling for answers, i would fall victim to the OAP, sitting on the phone for hours with my best friend, dissecting over and over again what had happened, what i could've done differently, and most of all, trying to come up with an answer.

i've never understood my incessant need for answers. i'm horrible in math & science--disciplines who produce a solution at the end of the equation..but i've always been great in the social sciences--history, English, literature--subjects that don't really require an answer, but require more abstract thought and application. so, why this need for an answer? an answer, that, most of the time, won't make me feel any better?

as i've mentioned in blogs post, the funny thing about God/life is that it will present you with the same things over and over again until you get them right...and even if you do get them "right," you will still be tempted to do them wrong. which brings me to the point of today's blog. said Friend and i were talking about this topic of closure--feeling the need to have to have the Last Word--the denouement--to end a situation, even when the situation has already been 'ended' by communicating that it's no longer working for both parties involved, and it's time to move on....

as is the usual order of things (atleast in my experience):

Person A gets fed up and decides that Situation X is no good for them anymore. They communicate this with Person B. Person B says 'cool, i understand. best wishes to you.' Person A starts the journey of putting the pieces of their heart back together and getting on with life, only to have Person B reappear RIGHT when Person A is on the brink of breakthrough/recovery. now, Person A is in a position to say what they've always wanted to say to Person B because Person B has decided that they have something to say too, but Person A isn't really on it....or so Person A thinks. Person A gives Person B an audience in the name of 'closure' (a.k.a. looking for answers that they'll never get) , doors are opened, and Person A is back entangled with Person B and 20 steps back from where they were before.

sound familiar? (please see: same script, different cast)

now, the scenario described above is not meant to say that ppl and/or situations cannot change and be healed, because they can. but, 99% of the time, when we give an inch to a situation/person we know is no good for us, we do it because we're looking for answers....answers that we'll never get, atleast not on this side of eternity, and if we do, it ain't gonna be what we want to hear. we can dress it up as just wanting to 'close things on a positive note,' but let's call a spade a spade, because only then can we face the issue head on and not allow ourselves to get drawn into the SAME mess that we've worked so hard to get ourselves out of.

as i've written about before, i decided to walk away from the 7-year Itch because i needed to move on and to heal. almost 7.5 years later, i am no closer to having answers to my unanswered questions than i was a few months ago, and probably never will. but, i am ok with that. yes, it hurts from time to time. yes, i think about him/the situation. but, i also think about me...and what's best for me...and trying to mine answers from someone in the name of closure gets you nothing but further heartbreak. if we allow God...and time....to work their natural magic...answers WILL come in the most unexpected ways...in a way that will likely cause you to smack yourself in the forehead and say 'duh!' very loudly. manna will not rain down from Heaven nor will Charlton Heston appear in your dreams...but things will start to make sense and progress will be made.

but, progress only sticks when you learn to leave well enough alone.

holi-daze

so you all wanted me to get back to the 'meat of the meat'--here goes..

--

i spent most of this evening cleaning/packing. i'm off to Cleveland tomorrow, PC in tow, to surprise my mom for Christmas. as i was driving yesterday, running from one errand to the next, i got to car-thinking (my usual) and felt a tremendous wave of sadness wash over me--in an instant, i felt blue...and i was instantly pissed.

the Holiday Season--Thanksgiving/Christmas/New Year's-- is my absolute favorite time of year. i love the spirit of the holidays--togetherness with loved ones, remembrance of all of the many reasons why we should be thankful, the gift of JC (the REAL Reason for the Season) and the warm feeling we get inside when giving gifts to those we care about. i love the opportunity to look back at the year that has gone by, and look forward with hope and anticipation of the year to come. it is a magical time of year, and one i enjoy.

i was pissed because i haven't really felt 'in the spirit'--my usual Christmas shopping, meticulous addressing/mailing of holiday cards, decorating/baking, etc...has been replaced with a sense of melancholy that hasn't been easy to shake...and i feel a tremendous amount of guilt behind that.

you see, this holiday season, i have, for the first time in my life, felt what i had read about/heard about so many times before--the Holiday Blues. i know that many ppl experience it for one reason or another: missing family members who have passed away, financial strain due to job loss that preclude them from purchasing gifts for their children, or (and this is the one that applies to me) singleness in a time when EVERYONE around you is coupled up.

i don't think it's so weird/strange/desperate to desire to share the holidays with someone special. to spend quality time with that person, creating your own unique traditions, weaving each other's families together and creating memories that last a lifetime. for as long as i can remember, atleast since graduating from college 6.5 years ago, i have spent every holiday 'alone,' for all intents and purposes. sure, i have PC (now) and i have my family (and i am grateful for both, so please don't take it for the opposite), but...frankly...i'm tired of spending this special time of year by myself.

the perpetual Third Wheel.

now before all you married/coupled-up folks send me emails about how "being married or in a relationship is not the panacea blah blah blah"--save it. i've heard it all before, and though i mean that with no disrespect, i also want the fact that i'm savvy enough to not look at relationships through rose-colored glasses to be respected as well. my desire is not borne out of some pie-in-the-sky notion that Mr. Wonderful will come along, sweep me off my feet (on his white horse, of course) and solve all of my problems. no. my desire is simply borne out of my desire as a woman...as KW the Woman...to love and be loved...to give and to receive....to complement...and be complemented.

so, as i look forward into the remainder of the holiday season, i struggle with this feeling of melancholy. i have close friends that are dealing with far worse things than my datelessness: tragic loss of family members, job layoffs and financial crises, health concerns, etc-- and certainly have a valid reason, even if just for a fleeting moment--to feel sadness.

and here i am with my melancholy, the one that many would say i need to just 'get over.'

yet, i can't.

but, i'm hoping that a few days at home, will take my mind off of it...if only for a little while.

Merry Christmas.

same script, different cast

i've been called hardheaded a time or two in my life...stubborn even. it's not that i won't listen to others or even take into consideration their thoughts/opinions on a topic.....but, i'm many times very reluctant, atleast on the front end. and certain things i know that i'm just NOT gonna change my mind about--call me bullheaded or set in my ways, but it 'tis what it 'tis.

so, where am i going with this? well, i am one of those ppl who believes that God presents you with the same situations over and over and over again, until you get them right. whether it is in your job, your relationships, or any other area of your life, you WILL see those same things creep up and try to tempt you--but true growth is shown when you recognize them early enough to counteract the negative effects and make the right decisions.

i suffer from panic attacks. i have not been formally evaluated nor diagnosed by a psychiatrist (but it doesnt hurt to have someone like the Doc around to bounce ideas off of), but my symptoms are classic. i don't have them every day or even every week, but i do have them. the good news is, i've gotten to a space where i recognize my triggers (tho i haven't conquered them) and i recognize early on when an attack is coming. the bad news is, i haven't conquered my triggers and i've had 3 attacks (mild) within the past month, 2 of which were a little more than 12 hours apart.

as i reflect on the who/what/when/where/why of the situations that triggered my most recent attacks, i find that they aren't any different than scenarios in the past when my attacks were a lot worse and when, frankly, i didn't even know that they WERE panic attacks. the ingredients are the same, but the current finished product is the "low-fat" version of the Anxiety Cake i was baking before. but, nevertheless it is still happening, and it is obvious to me that i am still in a learning/growth phase.

more than anything, i wish to be free of this burden. the burden of internalizing everything, being a consummate people pleaser, being unsure of decisions that i make, and being upset with myself when i think others are upset with me. doing too much. taking on too much. all of these things--singularly or in some combination--set up to trigger my attacks. i get frustrated with myself because i KNOW what i shouldn't be doing....yet my mind does something completely different...and then i go down a road i do not want to go.

so i write this blog today with no resolution....this isn't one of my blogs where i have some catchy 'last word' to sum it all up and make it appear as tho i've got everything under control. this also isn't a plea for pity (or to be invited to a Pity Party), because there is absolutely nothing to be feel sorry about. this blog isn't about looking for a quick-fix solution--a list of self-help mantras that will somehow spring me into action and cause all of this to go away. and it isn't about placing blame on externalities, as i am only as good as my reactions to those things around me.

no, i'm not suicidal. no, i'm not putting PC up for adoption. no, i'm not gonna buy a one-way ticket to Dubai and walk away from it all, no matter how tempting sometimes that may sound.

this blog is none of those things.

instead, this blog is a request...to all who read this, as i consider each of you friends:

for prayers/words of encouragement..and most of all love.

and for those of you who have talked me through the last 3 attacks i've had, and wouldn't let me get off the phone until i was ok (you know who you are)--We Help Each Other *wink*

i'll be ok...i am ok....one day at a time.

more than i can chew

sunday morning, i was having a bit of hair-stration. it started Sat nite, after a day of shopping--hopping in and out of the car into an intermittent cold rain--the hair was well, a little crunchy. not SUPER bad, but definitely in need of some TLC. but, you see, TLC + hair doesn't work for me because...well...i don't do hair. and, this new 'do has forced me to do something i don't do. and, it is frustrating at times.

as i struggled in the mirror trying to figure out how to fix all that was wrong with my mop before i left for church, 'biting off more than i can chew' popped into my mind. i thought about it in terms of many things i'm juggling now--decisions that are causing me to make even tougher decisions because i didnt thoroughly think things through on the front end. Ms. Indecisive taking the recommendations of well-meaning friends instead of dissecting the issues for herself, lest she fall victim to the OAP (Over-Analysis Paralysis for those of you new to the blog).

my eyes were bigger than my stomach.

i am a foodie--love food, adore food, constantly talk about food, always looking for the next piece of food to cause my tastebuds to explode with glee. as much as i like food, i am also a chronic waster. i almost never finish an entire plate of food--whether at a restaurant or at home--unless i am truly STARVING.....i tend to have the big eyes/small stomach thing going on, instead of just taking a little bit and going back for seconds later, if there's room.

my stress level has been on Level 25 for the past week. hair-stration not withstanding (Haircut Guilt eats at me gently most days), i've had many other things pulling at me/tugging at me/pushing me to a near breaking point.

i'm doing too much, and much of it is self-imposed.

and though i've cut back on some things, there are others that need definitive conclusions: career, PC's education, love....

and so, here i stand.....with a mouthful of STRESS....

and spiritual- chompers that aren't really working that well to break up the tough pieces.

pray for me ya'll....this too shall pass...

but i could use a little extra boost of strength to get thru.....

think i betta let it go.....

'why'd you cut your hair?'

that has been the constant question of friends/family members, both near and far, in response to my new 'do.

i've smiled coyly, admittedly excited about the extra attention that a new hairdo sends your way and replied:

'cause i wanted something different. you know? new year...new YOU?"

for as long as most ppl have known me, i've had super-long hair. Save for a couple of insignificant trims here and there, along with straw sets for special occasions, i generally wore my hair in the same way all the time--rollerset every two to three weeks, and then a ponytail on the off-weeks.

i loved my long hair...for a myriad of reasons, but primarily because it was easy and because it was safe. i could SAFELY pull it back in a ponytail when i was too lazy to do it. i could SAFELY hide behind all of the 'ooooh, you hair is sooooo long and sooooo pretty' compliments. i could SAFELY hide behind this whole thing about my hair being my 'crowning glory,' without really knowing what that meant (other than thinking a silly boy might like me better with long hair, LOL).

but, as my hairstylist so eloquently admitted to me (and as my friends piggybacked off of)--it wasn't DOING ANYTHING for me.

i am a packrat. i hold onto stuff, memories, hurt feelings, pain, nostalgia....and obviously hair. cutting my hair represented ridding myself of my "look," of my comfort, of what i was used to. a shorter haircut draws more attention to my features and to my face...and presumably to me--the painfully shy Friendster who ducks and dodges attention. a shorter haircut forces me to no longer have a "safe" ponytail on Bad Hair Days--to get up, "do" my hair...and in turn, my makeup, my jewelry, clothes, etc.

a shorter haircut forces me to care.

and caring means--taking time for myself--to bring out the best me, physically and otherwise.

as cliche as it sounds, i felt free in cutting my hair. no, i didn't chop it ALL off and get a fade or go bald, but the inches that i did cut were a HUGE step for me. being afraid of how i would look going into it....but pleased beyond belief at how i looked afterwards!!!

New Year, New You is my personal campaign to unearth the parts of me that have laid dormant for so long, for so many reasons. whether it's a haircut, going back to school, writing a book, or putting myself in Financial Boot Camp, New Year, New You is all about being the best ME.

the "Amazing Me" that all that are around me see bubbling beneath the surface (and remind me of all the time)...but that i sometimes can't see through the cloud of a Comfortable, Complacency Rut that i've allowed myself to get into it.

i'm excited--can't you tell?

dial tone.....deaf

some of ya'll have been reading my blog-moir since the beginning (or darn near) and have closely followed the chronicles of my so-called life with sincere interest/concern/compassion. you've gotten to know me better (for some, prolly better than you might have wanted, lol) and hopefully, i've inspired you in some way through the sharing of my story and my thoughts.

well, today one of my loyal blog-readers/dear friends said to me that she felt as though the tone of my blogs had changed...at which point, i proceeded to try to crawl back into my little hole.

why?

because she was 100% right...but, silly me--i was hoping no one noticed.

i conducted an unscientific poll of some other of my loyal-blog readers and discovered that they shared her sentiment.

the tone of my blog had definitely changed and though they liked my writings of late, they MISSED the meat-and-potatoes of my blogs from before.

if i can be real for a second, i have been avoiding blogging about some of the heavy topics that i've been struggling with over the past few weeks--i've wanted to write about grief/death/dying, as i watched ppl close to me deal thru that in the form of lost loved ones & dead marriages. i've wanted to address my doubts and my questions regarding my faith and the call on my life (or so i thought) with respects to ministry. i've wanted to address my growing disenchantment with my job (you know, the sweet deal w/ the car and the home office--but a level of stress i have YET to experience on any level in a job)....and the sometimes unbearable overwhelmth (i made that word up) of raising a precocious, challenging toddler on my own.

i've wanted to address my commitment issues and how i've come to realize that i have them, while watching a friend plow through her own. i've wanted to address a feeling of disconnect and deafening silence that i've heard in response to my prayers.

i've wanted to address the REAL reasons behind my haircut and this transformation that i am taking myself through.

but, i haven't. because i thought i was being too "heavy" and too "much" for my readers.

and then i was reminded today that in changing the tone of my blog, i am not being myself (which is contrary to MANY posts that i have written since its inception).

that ppl have come to love, reflect, and be inspired by my struggles and my triumphs.

and that was the whole point when i started this--to be an instrument...and to also heal myself through the therapy of writing.

so though i will still ocassionally write a short 'funny-of-the day' about my issues at the drive-thru or my philosophy on teeny-bopper hip hop artists...

i think i'm gonna go back to my roots and get back to the MEAT of my memoirs.

i hope you don't mind :-)

thinkin of a Master Plan....

....includes making myself over for the New Year...so, I cut my hair last weekend. After much thought/trepidation/nausea/almost-tears....I let my beloved stylist work her magic, while my friend cheered me on via BB IM and Yahoo.....and here is the finished product!

I will say that after hanging on to my long hair for so long and for soooooooo many reasons (as well as having friends/hairstylist confess to me post-haircut that they HATED my hair long,lol)...I feel FREE.

i love my haircut, though it will take some getting used to me...and i love the way that i feel. there is an extra pep in my step and i'm excited about all of the finishing touches that i am putting in place for my New Year, New You project.....stay tuned......

stop whining, start hustling

PC has been under the weather these past couple days--fever, cough, presumably a sore throat (if she knew how to communicate 'sore throat'), and just an all-around yucky feeling. no fun for an adult, and double-no fun for a toddler.

as i was dispensing medicine, comforting cuddles, hugs, and kisses, i was reminded of a question that one of my childless friends asked me a while back: 'how does it feel to have someone completely dependent upon you for everything?'

at the time, i was pretty stumped at the question. sure, PC is dependent upon me for pretty much everything, but i hardly think about it because it is like second nature.

parenthood is one of those things that is supposed to make a formerly selfish person decidedly less selfish. i think i'm not alone when i say that we all can name examples of ppl--those we know personally and those we do not--where that theory didn't work and who are content in focusing on MeMyselfandI at the expense of the little person that they are charged with being a responsible steward over.

as cliche as it sounds, all of us that are caregivers--whether it is for children, our aging parents/family members, a beloved pet, or some combination of all three--are called to 'do what we gotta do' on a daily basis.

there is a little room for whining and NO room for excuses.

and your loved one's very life depends on the 'fruit of your hustle'--in good times and in bad.

so though being completely responsible for another person's care-and-keeping can seem almost overwhelming at times, it is necessary in this cycle of life where at some point, we will all need each other. as our parents age, they will come to depend on us--and as we age, we will come to depend on our children. such is the cycle of life.

and a blessed burden, indeed.

captain-save-a-WHO?

if i hear another "independent woman" ballad or rap song--written and performed by a man--imma SCREAM!

tonite, i was driving and i happened upon a song called "She Got Her Own." i couldn't catch the voice, so i made a mental note to Google it when i got home. i was shocked to find that it was by Ne-Yo. i don't consider myself to be a big Ne-Yo fan one way or the other, but he does have SOME decent material. this song--from melody to lyrical content to production sounded like the local teeny-bopper guy group from around-the-way performing at skating rinks and talent shows on the weekends--not what i would've expected from Ne-Yo.

but i digress.

without wasting precious blog space with all of the lyrics (i'll leave that to you to YouTube it), suffice it to say that it is yet another ode to women who have their own stuff--house, car, job, money, etc...and don't need/ask a man to provide any of those things for them.

ok, ummm..is that something to be celebrated? is that an anomaly?

or is it just ppl taking care of their business?

i don't have one woman in my circle--not ONE--whether acquaintance or close friend--who ISN'T independent. whether married/single/serious relationship, all of these women are financially, professionally, spiritually, and emotionally independent. no matter where they are on the income spectrum, they're taking care of themselves and their families, where applicable.

and none of them are looking for confetti and balloons...or a song.

for my male readers--please don't take this blog as an "i-dont-need-a-man" treastise. there is a difference between needing someone to do something for you (paying your bills, giving you an allowance, etc) and the natural human desire for companionship. there is also a difference between needing someone to financially support you and appreciating/looking forward to a dual-income situation where perhaps there is less financial burden and more opportunities to save/invest/make occassional nice material purchases or go on a nice vacation. and i think i can speak for all of my "independent women" friends that though we all are doing what we gotta do, we're not too hard or too proud to not welcome our partner's contributions in all areas of our lives and vice versa.

perhaps i'm naive....or maybe i've just been blessed with a great group of friends, which adds to the annoyance behind all of these songs. i am certain that there are women out there that are 150% golddiggers and looking for a man to bankroll every facet of their lives--i just don't know and/or hang with any!

so to all my I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T homegirls:

keep up the good--i mean, NORMAL--work ;-)

song cry

your resident Mushball got a little teary-eyed this evening.......i know, i know....what else is new?

my life is a neverending series of running here and running there: appts, traffic, deadlines, bathtimes, singing "The Hokey-Pokey" 10,000 times, and getting the sweetest (yet laced-with-toddler-morning-breath, lol) kisses from PC at the crack of dawn.

and this evening, for a brief few moments, i took some time to relax before beginning the hustle-and-bustle of the nightly routine.

PC was sleeping, having drifted off during our car ride home from school, napless after a long day of singing, dancing, playing...and bullying (another blog for another day). i flipped on the TV, sat down on the couch, and drew her sleeping body into my arms--she instinctively nuzzled into my chest.

i turned to Channel 11, hoping to catch the last few moments of Chicago Tonight. i did, and then happened on the next show, an episode of Great Performances featuring the mega-producer David Foster, and his most famous songs being performed by some of today's (and yesterday's) biggest artists. as i sat there watching Kenny G and Peter Cetera play old favorites from the 80s (the theme from Karate Kid...etc etc....search on wikipedia for more info), it brought back a flood of memories of my childhood.

i think i *heart* 80s and 90s music (of ALL genres) so much because it reminds me of my childhood. mine, like most everyone else's, wasn't perfect, but it was certainly a memorable one...a time before bills/worry/responsibility. a time to truly just be a kid.

and so, the memories flooded back today--thinking of my mom when she was my age (wow!) and i was in first-grade, thinking of spending time with my aunts who i thought were THEE coolest chicks ever, remembering spending time at my grandparents house--terrorizing my cousin-brother, eating good food, and watching cable on the floor model in the living room.

sososo many good memories....and similar memories that i hope to help make for PC.....

loving without limitation and cherishing every moment...every second...because we certainly know that the next is not promised.

nostalgia at its finest.

and using up all my dang Kleenex. :-)

the donut hole....of no return

today's smh (shaking my head) moment....

pull into the local Dunkin' Donuts drive-thru....cashier asks can she help me....i proceed to tell her that i want my usual: French Vanilla Latte, extra sugar and a bowtie. she says, "i'm sorry, we only have coffee, tea, and hot chocolate." i say, "isn't a latte coffee?" she says, "yes, but we don't have any bowties...." "ok, how about a pumpkin-glazed?" "nope."

soooo...ummm..."you don't have any donuts at all?"

no.

a Dunkin Donuts...with no donuts.

hrrrumph.

i wasn't as irritated by the absence of breakfast pastries as i was by the fact that i had 30-second too long exchange with this chick about the donuts and the definition of coffee...when, she could've just told me from jump that they were out of their bread-and-butter product. perhaps a sign could've been posted on the drive-thru menu. i don't know.

call me picky.

and hungry.

cause i still didn't get my dang donut, lol :-(