holi-daze

so you all wanted me to get back to the 'meat of the meat'--here goes..

--

i spent most of this evening cleaning/packing. i'm off to Cleveland tomorrow, PC in tow, to surprise my mom for Christmas. as i was driving yesterday, running from one errand to the next, i got to car-thinking (my usual) and felt a tremendous wave of sadness wash over me--in an instant, i felt blue...and i was instantly pissed.

the Holiday Season--Thanksgiving/Christmas/New Year's-- is my absolute favorite time of year. i love the spirit of the holidays--togetherness with loved ones, remembrance of all of the many reasons why we should be thankful, the gift of JC (the REAL Reason for the Season) and the warm feeling we get inside when giving gifts to those we care about. i love the opportunity to look back at the year that has gone by, and look forward with hope and anticipation of the year to come. it is a magical time of year, and one i enjoy.

i was pissed because i haven't really felt 'in the spirit'--my usual Christmas shopping, meticulous addressing/mailing of holiday cards, decorating/baking, etc...has been replaced with a sense of melancholy that hasn't been easy to shake...and i feel a tremendous amount of guilt behind that.

you see, this holiday season, i have, for the first time in my life, felt what i had read about/heard about so many times before--the Holiday Blues. i know that many ppl experience it for one reason or another: missing family members who have passed away, financial strain due to job loss that preclude them from purchasing gifts for their children, or (and this is the one that applies to me) singleness in a time when EVERYONE around you is coupled up.

i don't think it's so weird/strange/desperate to desire to share the holidays with someone special. to spend quality time with that person, creating your own unique traditions, weaving each other's families together and creating memories that last a lifetime. for as long as i can remember, atleast since graduating from college 6.5 years ago, i have spent every holiday 'alone,' for all intents and purposes. sure, i have PC (now) and i have my family (and i am grateful for both, so please don't take it for the opposite), but...frankly...i'm tired of spending this special time of year by myself.

the perpetual Third Wheel.

now before all you married/coupled-up folks send me emails about how "being married or in a relationship is not the panacea blah blah blah"--save it. i've heard it all before, and though i mean that with no disrespect, i also want the fact that i'm savvy enough to not look at relationships through rose-colored glasses to be respected as well. my desire is not borne out of some pie-in-the-sky notion that Mr. Wonderful will come along, sweep me off my feet (on his white horse, of course) and solve all of my problems. no. my desire is simply borne out of my desire as a woman...as KW the Woman...to love and be loved...to give and to receive....to complement...and be complemented.

so, as i look forward into the remainder of the holiday season, i struggle with this feeling of melancholy. i have close friends that are dealing with far worse things than my datelessness: tragic loss of family members, job layoffs and financial crises, health concerns, etc-- and certainly have a valid reason, even if just for a fleeting moment--to feel sadness.

and here i am with my melancholy, the one that many would say i need to just 'get over.'

yet, i can't.

but, i'm hoping that a few days at home, will take my mind off of it...if only for a little while.

Merry Christmas.