same script, different cast

i've been called hardheaded a time or two in my life...stubborn even. it's not that i won't listen to others or even take into consideration their thoughts/opinions on a topic.....but, i'm many times very reluctant, atleast on the front end. and certain things i know that i'm just NOT gonna change my mind about--call me bullheaded or set in my ways, but it 'tis what it 'tis.

so, where am i going with this? well, i am one of those ppl who believes that God presents you with the same situations over and over and over again, until you get them right. whether it is in your job, your relationships, or any other area of your life, you WILL see those same things creep up and try to tempt you--but true growth is shown when you recognize them early enough to counteract the negative effects and make the right decisions.

i suffer from panic attacks. i have not been formally evaluated nor diagnosed by a psychiatrist (but it doesnt hurt to have someone like the Doc around to bounce ideas off of), but my symptoms are classic. i don't have them every day or even every week, but i do have them. the good news is, i've gotten to a space where i recognize my triggers (tho i haven't conquered them) and i recognize early on when an attack is coming. the bad news is, i haven't conquered my triggers and i've had 3 attacks (mild) within the past month, 2 of which were a little more than 12 hours apart.

as i reflect on the who/what/when/where/why of the situations that triggered my most recent attacks, i find that they aren't any different than scenarios in the past when my attacks were a lot worse and when, frankly, i didn't even know that they WERE panic attacks. the ingredients are the same, but the current finished product is the "low-fat" version of the Anxiety Cake i was baking before. but, nevertheless it is still happening, and it is obvious to me that i am still in a learning/growth phase.

more than anything, i wish to be free of this burden. the burden of internalizing everything, being a consummate people pleaser, being unsure of decisions that i make, and being upset with myself when i think others are upset with me. doing too much. taking on too much. all of these things--singularly or in some combination--set up to trigger my attacks. i get frustrated with myself because i KNOW what i shouldn't be doing....yet my mind does something completely different...and then i go down a road i do not want to go.

so i write this blog today with no resolution....this isn't one of my blogs where i have some catchy 'last word' to sum it all up and make it appear as tho i've got everything under control. this also isn't a plea for pity (or to be invited to a Pity Party), because there is absolutely nothing to be feel sorry about. this blog isn't about looking for a quick-fix solution--a list of self-help mantras that will somehow spring me into action and cause all of this to go away. and it isn't about placing blame on externalities, as i am only as good as my reactions to those things around me.

no, i'm not suicidal. no, i'm not putting PC up for adoption. no, i'm not gonna buy a one-way ticket to Dubai and walk away from it all, no matter how tempting sometimes that may sound.

this blog is none of those things.

instead, this blog is a request...to all who read this, as i consider each of you friends:

for prayers/words of encouragement..and most of all love.

and for those of you who have talked me through the last 3 attacks i've had, and wouldn't let me get off the phone until i was ok (you know who you are)--We Help Each Other *wink*

i'll be ok...i am ok....one day at a time.