b*tch tendencies

this is one of those posts that i've been avoiding writing for a number of reasons--partially because i didn't want to give any more energy to an unfortunate situation, and partially because it is sometimes painful to reflect. but, after a late-nite conversation over grits, pancakes, and [hairy] scrambled eggs--sorry, KD :( --ANND confirmation via this morning's sermon webcast (remember: His Daughter was exhausted last nite, so eChurch was the next best thing this morning), i figured it was time to write...and release...once and for all.

i used to have this friend (in retrospect, i used that adjective loosely). throughout my friendship with her, she would deliberately make smart-alecky comments, pretty regularly,that used to grate at my nerves. her mouth was smart in general, but i think she did it EXTRA with me because i usually wouldn't say much in response. it wasn't because i was a punk, but it was moreso that i chose my battles with her carefully bc any misplaced word could be grounds for a blowup, and, well, i've just moved past having space in my life for constant drama.

we went on vaca together in July, and after enduring a week of her mood swings, rolled eyes, and the constant snarky statements (i love that word!) , she decided to effectively end the friendship by telling me...no, i'm sorry by TEXTING me..to say that i was a "phony, fake, conniving, manipulative b*tch."

ouch.

i'm not an angel, but in my defense, i never did anything in our friendship that justified that characterization. after picking up my mouth off the floor and doing some reflection, i came to the conclusion that part of her reasoning for saying that to me (outside of being just a tad bit bonkers) was bc i didnt react to her antics. i swallowed a lot of what i could've said (and, in some ppl's opinion should've said) for the sake of the friendship, the vaca, and my sanity!

in other words, my b*tch tendencies were in check.

last night, me and my homegirl were talking about triggers and how ppl dont have to necessarily BE something--a thief, for example--but when triggered, can be compelled TO steal. you could use a number of different examples to illustrate that point--liar, cheater, alcoholic, etc. when a person does something, it doesn't necessarily define who they are inherently, but it can be indicative of a weak place within them that, when left open to attack, can bubble to the surface.

my Pastor illustrated a similar concept today when discussing the story of Jesus healing the leper in the Book of Mark. the man is described differently depending on what translation you read. in one translation he is described as "the leper." in another translation, he is described as "the man with leprosy." see the difference? the latter suggests a temporary situation, a condition that can be changed. the former defines who he is, period, without regard to what Jesus was about to do in his life.

i believe that all of us have weak places within is, that, if manipulated by the right trigger, can erupt. but the wonderful thing about God is, He knows those places, and when you get to a spiritual space where you can recognize them within yourself and be honest with Him about deliverance, you will be able to conquer those things! now, this is not to say you won't ever be tested and have to call on Him for help, but YOU will have the victory--not your emotions, not your weaknesses, not what you used to do/how you used to be--but who you ARE. and you will NOT be defined by those weak places, only by how you react when your buttons are pushed.

so, i'm proud to say that though i'm not perfect, i most certainly am NOT a b*tch! i recognize my tendency to go off when someone decides they want to talk to me crazy--so, i kill it before it gets out of hand. and, i'm proud of that fact and how far i've come bc had you talked to me a few years ago, this story might've ended just a lil differently, lol.

oh, and speaking of the end of the story--when the man was healed from leprosy, he couldn't WAIT to tell everyone about the goodness of God!! beloved, i DARE you to tell somebody today what God has delivered you from--how's he's changed you, taken away certain desires, changed your thinking, changed your walk and your talk...how good He has been to you, even when you weren't being good to yourself.

i ain't 'shamed of my b*tch tendencies...but, i'm proud of how i handle them--with grace, perserverence, and a smile :)

what? no blog?

...not tonite...His Daughter is exhausted....back to our regularly-scheduled program tomorrow.

grace & peace.

the icing on the cake

a few weeks ago, i was having a gabfest with my bff and she shared with me this brilliant concept that she had come up with called the Fondant Syndrome. she likened the identities that some ppl come up with and portray to the world as fondant; that is, the fancy-schmancy icing/sugared flowers/etc that we see on faboo wedding cakes.

if you've ever watched one of those wedding-planning shows, or tuned into a baking competition on TLC's Ace of Cakes (or if you're some sort of amateur pastry chef in your spare time), i'm sure you've seen how a wedding cake is made. it starts as layers of regular old sponge cake--plain-Jane in appearance--which are cut, shaped, and manipulated to size. the "pretty part" of the cake, the fondant, comes much later, and takes the longest to perfect. that finished product with the perfect colors, decorations, dips/loops/swirls is what causes the "oohs and ahhs" of the guests at the event, but it's the (hopefully) light, moist cake on the inside that pleases the palette and fills the belly at the end of that $50/per plate reception hall meal.

i had a revelation a while back that i've been in a number of friendships/relationships where the person loved me (and even that is subject to interpretation), but didn't LIKE me. sounds like a simple concept, right? it is, but it's also profound at the same time. a person having a deep affection for you, whether it be romantic, platonically (as in friends), or some combination of the two....but never really LIKING you. can you love someone and not like them? absolutely! you can care deeply for a person, want nothing but the best for them, but they can still be someone who you can't stand to be around for longer than 5 mins and who annoys the heck out of you just by breathing the same air you breathe....ok, maybe i'm being a little extreme, but you get my point.

i don't blame those "no-likes" entirely on the other party. being the people-pleaser that i have the capacity to be (if i don't keep it in check), i know that in my past, though i was very open/transparent from the beginning, i also applied a lot of fondant. i didn't necessarily lie about myself, but i covered the plain-Jane, cut/manipulated/shaped parts of me with a certain exterior--fondant--in order that the person might "ooh and ahhh" enough to want to get the knife and cut themselves a slice. unfortunately, what i should've been doing was giving them a taste of the batter before it was even baked, put together, frosted, and placed on display, in order that they might know the foundational process that it took to get there.

i've decided that i just want to authentically be ME, and whoever likes it/me--great! and if they don't-great! because, you see, I like me! and, most importantly, GOD likes me! and, again, though that sounds like a simple concept, it really isn't. being authentically you opens yourself up to both positive and negatives. you are vulnerable, which can be a great thing with respects to matters of the heart/love, but can also cause a lot of pain if you're vulnerable to the wrong thing/person. being authentically you causes you to face the wonderful things about yourself, and also those things within you that are due for a makeover. being authentically you allows for and attracts authentic relationships....sure, there may be some imposters that slip through the cracks, but in general, i believe that if you are truly living and presenting yourself for who you are--without the fondant--the Universe will propel likeminded folks your way.

when a couple decides to get married, part of their wedding planning involves visiting bakeries for cake-tastings. the baker will show them a catalog bearing examples of beautifully scrumptious cakes that they can choose from, in line with their preferences. the most important part of the cake-tasting is the actual tasting. and, the pieces that the baker presents are not elaborate 3 and 4 tier masterpieces. no. they are thin sample slices, with just a whisper of frosting to give you a preview of what to expect at the event. sure, the exterior of the cake will be gorgeous and will be an aesthetic focal point of the reception, however, it's that whisper-thin slice that will really seal the deal and make the guest's stomachs happy. the couple may taste many different cakes, and most of them will be absolutely delicious, but they can only walk away with one choice--the perfect choice for them.

in the cake-tastings of life you'll find that everyone is not meant to have centerstage at your event. some folks are pretty fondant, but dry and flavorless underneath. others may not have the greatest decorative outside, but are pretty tasty on the inside. and still others are just normal, Duncan Hines cakes like Grandma used to make that would rival ANY commercial bakery or Food Network chef that you could pit them against. they are warm, comforting, filling, and familiar. they are authentic.

focus on the cake itself, and not on the frosting. i am certain that you'll discover that what is on the inside--the foundation--trumps the icing on the cake, hands down.



bon appetit!

laughter is the best medicine

i was hanging out with a friend tonite over chocolate chip cookies, humidity-laced late summer breezes, and the faint stirring of a sleepy two year-old strapped securely in her carseat. we were shooting the breeze about life, love, and the pursuit of JOY...and laughing, absolutely cracking up! some of the stories we shared, in looking back, were extremely painful at the time that we were experiencing them. but now, we're able to reflect, recount, and actually LAUGH. it is amazing what a few months/years, some time to reflect, and a clear mind will do for bruised feelings and/or broken hearts.

i'm one of those people who takes most things hard, both positively and negatively. uber-emotional and sensitive, it doesn't take much to empty my tear ducts...or to drive me into a depression-induced overdose on Black Walnut Haagen-Daz (i know, i know...i'm working on it). ask any of my close friends--i am the QUEEN of the OAP: Over-Analysis Paralysis, and if you let me, i'll analyze...and re-analyze....and re-RE-analyze the same topic over again until i feel that i've covered every inch of ground in an effort to understand how the HECK did that just happen?!

lucky for me, i've got a couple of folks in my life who will indulge my OAP...but only for so long. they will gladly exchange for hours on email, phone, or text about whatever woe i'm trudging thru, but will eventually say, "ok, KW, what's next? what is the solution?" ANNND, they impose deadlines.

surprisingly, these deadlines work pretty well for me. i give myself a set amount of days to vent, b*tch, moan, plot revenge (only kidding!..sorta, lol), cry, fuss, etc. after that set timeframe, i am to no longer participate in any of the aforementioned activities, with respects to said Woe. if i attempt to cross that bridge, my friend is supposed to gently, yet firmly, redirect me back on the Straight-and-Narrow. and, there's no cheating allowed--all friends are subject to the same deadlines.

some might say that this is placing artificial boundaries on grieving, but i disagree. of course, every situation must be evaluated on a case-by-case basis, but as for me, i think that i spend a lot of time & heart-energy dwelling on things that either don't deserve it..or don't deserve as much. my constant quest for closure prolongs entanglement, and what i have found is that true closure only comes from God, in His way, and on His timing. giving myself a deadline to work towards forces me to UN-dwell on stuff....and to move on, even when/if my questions remain unanswered. and, 100% of the time....as soon as i truly move on in mind, body, and spirit, i receive all of the answers that i ever needed.

i'd be lying if i tried to act like there weren't any leftover bruises...there are, and it may take some more time to heal completely. but, tonite, humor won! i was able to look at an otherwise painful, crazy, dramatic situation...and just laugh. and my homegirl helped me do that (thx Sunshine :)

laughter truly is the best medicine--make sure to fill your prescription...

sticks and stones

ok, i'll admit it. i'm a text message/email addict. i am joined at the hip, literally and figuratively, to my Blackberry, and have panic attacks when it is malfunctioning, or i drop it, or i can't find it. said BB sleeps in the bed with me at nite, and my periodic struggles with sleep apnea cause me to wake up multiple times during the night...and...check my phone for new messages (i know, i know...what a shame).

i love words! i love reading, i love writing, i love talking (surprise, surprise). and because i am such a lover of words, both written and verbal, i know firsthand the incredible power that words have to encourage, and also to wound.

i was texting with a friend today and she misinterpreted something that i said in text to her as being, as she called it, "snarky." now, after i figured out WTH 'snarky' meant, i very quickly cleared the air and explained to her the intention and tone behind what i had said, which was meant to be anything BUT flippant or rude. she laughed and we moved on, but her comment really stuck with me. she said "texts have attitude."

i thought about how being a wordsmith can be both a blessing and a curse. wordsmithing is a blessing for me because it allows me to express myself more succinctly and precisely, atleast in written format. difficult/emotional messages ae often a challenge for me to communicate verbally, but i have almost no problem getting them down on paper. i am more comfortable there, and my thoughts are strung together in a way that makes sense.

with all of the blessing that words can bring, they can also bring forth a lot of pain. if i can be transparent for the moment, i have had 2 close friendships end via the written word (one of which was reconciled--yay!). in both situations, myself and the other party were amazingly talented writers--and more comfortable in that format. admittedly, with a simple keystroke, we could break down barriers OR inflict wounds that might not ever heal. simple misunderstandings or differences of opinions snowballed into electronic fisticuffs, not because the original intent was ever malicious, but simply because neither party executed 2 very important things: 1. seeking first to understand, then be understood and 2. having face-to-face convos about challenging topics. i believe that if those two items had been cared for, there might've been a different outcome.

i continue to be haunted by words that i've said out of anger or frustration that have (unintentionally) inflicted pain...and i am haunted by those things that have been said to me that have left deep scars. i learned a long time ago that i have the capacity for a fiery tongue and, with that, i've also learned my triggers, so i do my best to swallow a lot of things that aren't worth entering the atmosphere. on those ocassions where i've failed, i've apologized, but one never kn0ws if an apology is enough. it hasn't always been enough for me.

we must be mindful of the things we say and speak into the lives of those around us. actions do hurt, but i believe that words hurt a LOT more....and hurt longer. i believe we must challenge ourselves to always speak loving and positive things to those around us, and to check ourselves when we feel like we're slipping into the realm of No-Return Negativity. i believe that we should take time to really learn what it means to "speak the truth in love" by considering our audience, and not just our selfish desire to have our opinions known. i believe that we should refuse to entertain anything less than a phone call when working through a difficult issue with a friend or loved one.

and i think we should rewrite the childhood rhyme:

sticks and stones may break my bones...but words, they really CAN hurt me.

get your mind right

i got an excited message this morning from a friend, telling me that she had finally found a therapist and would be entering counseling at the beginning of next month. i was elated for her as she has been struggling thru and dealing with a lot over this past year, and i am assured that this step is going to be a MAJOR breakthru in her healing and deliverance.

mental health-or the lack thereof-has always been a taboo topic in our community. when you look at the percentages of undiagnosed clinically depressed Af-Am women, this silly taboo seems more like a horrible self-fulfilling prophecy. and it's not just the women--the men are struggling too. i have encountered MANY men who are on the verge of breakdowns simply because they've been taught how NOT to deal with their emotions. wonder why there is so much crime, materialism, and violence amongst our Black boys? not because our boys are more prone to act a fool--many times, it's because they're hurting and hurting people hurt ppl.

i'm a huge proponent of counseling. i was in short-term pastoral counseling at my church last year, muddling thru layers of things within me that i had tried to ignore, refute, or push to the back of my mind for eons--i hope to be back in my sessions soon. i was in counseling because of the encouragement of another friend who had gone and was seeing major changes in her life. i tell anyone and everyone that i can--go to counseling! not just obligatory pre-marital counseling so that you can get married in your local church. not just couples counseling after the honeymoon has worn off and the boxing gloves (and divorce papers) are looming on the horizon. i'm talking about individual, one-on-one therapy--to sort thru and deal with the muckedy-muck that has dried and hardened over your heart and your psyche, and made it impossible to completely move on from who-....or what-ever.

counseling helped me to acknowledge, accept, confront (and ultimately be delivered from!) the Father Fracture in my life, and also to see how it had trickled down into the choices i made in men, and my interactions with my own child. i also discovered my deep need for affirmation/validation from others--and my struggle with rejection issues--and learned how to deal with those head-on by affirming who i was in GOD. counseling helped me recognize my own fear of success (strange, huh?), which eclipsed any fear of failure that i had ever had.

when i was pregnant, i spent the first 4 months in a deeply depressed state. it was one of, if not the lowest place emotionally i've ever been, for a multitude of different reasons and my faith was stretched beyond measure. one day, i woke up and i said "i choose joy." i decided that despite the fiery darts that were coming my way from both loved ones and enemies, i was going to have joy. and i did. it wasn't always easy and it wasn't always fun--but i made a choice that day, and it saved my life and resulted in an amazing journey that i wouldn't change for anything in the world.


i've learned that everyone you come across is fighting some kind of battle. no matter how good they look, how wide their smile is, or how happy they seem, don't assume--all of that "fondant" may really be hiding some deep, troubling places within them. now, don't get me wrong--there are many people in this world who have a genuinely happy spirit and don't let most things get to them--atleast not on the surface, however i would argue that no one is happy ALL the time. Happiness is a temporary feeling based upon external circumstances. what we should strive for is JOY--a sense of peace, contentment, and delight even in the midst of pain, sorrow, or disappointment.

beloved, whatever it is that you might be muddling thru, no matter how small you think it might be, reach out to someone about it. God has gifted special ppl in this world with the amazing gift of counseling, and it is yours for the taking.

for God's sake, get your mind right.....

friends--how many of us have them?

i've been fighting a bit of Blogger's Block all day today. in the midst of starting my first official day on the couch...er, i mean job, as well as chasing SoSo around (don't worry--she is officially FIRED as the world's youngest Personal Assistant and will be back in preschool next week, lol), running errands, etc. my mind was alive with many things...but none of them were blog-worthy. i almost considered not posting tonite, but i knew that was out-of-order because i need this..it is therapeutic for me...

the word grateful sticks out in my mind today. in the hustle-and-bustle of everyday life: running here and there, shuffling priorities and obligations, dealing with bosses, deadlines, traffic, and bills...we often neglect to reflect on how blessed we REALLY are.

this evening i was kinda in a funk about one of those areas of my life where i DON'T have it all together (can you believe it? only kidding...). one of my friends happened to reach out while in the midst of my funk and i shared with her what i was struggling through/worried about. i did so with a little hesitation because i am self-conscious about it...and she was absolutely supportive, non-judgemental, and offered encouraging words AND suggested solutions!

i have been really blessed with some amazing friends--friends who love me for who i am, faults and all. friends who are solutions-oriented, resourceful, and most of all, have loving spirits and a TRUE commitment to what it means to be a friend to someone--a word that should not be taken lightly.

we often spend a lot of time, energy and effort telling our Significant Others how much we love them, but spend very little time delivering that same message to our friends. but friendship shapes who are, holds us up when we're feeling down, and, when practiced in the way that He requires, is a true manifestation of God's goodness.

so, to SL-love ya, chica--thanks for being there tonite (we help each other *wink*)...and to all of my other friends, near and far, you mean so much to me..and i appreciate you more than i can put into words.

take time to express your gratitude to God...and each other...for the remarkable gift of friendship.

passionfruit

i struggled with what to write about tonite. normally, my postings come to me pretty early in the day, but work and family constraints don't allow me to put pen to paper--or, finger to key--until late in the evening. my head was swimming today--i woke up this morning with my mind still staid on what was on it right before i lay down last nite--life, death, mortality, and immortality. i went to church and was recharged and rejuvenated with an on-time Word about redemption after making wrong choices. after church, i lunched with a girlfriend and we talked about everything under the sun dealing with relationships/commitment. this evening, i caught up with an old friend for 2 hours about work, school, kids, and love.

so, with all of those interactions, you'd think that i'd be inspired, right? well, i am...finally..but it's to write a post that i've been avoiding...

a great political champion and role model to many a young Black girl growing up in Cleveland during the 1990's, passed away tragically this week. Congresswoman Stephanie Tubbs Jones was a force to be reckoned with, a tireless fighter for equal rights, and just an all around wonderful person with a beautiful spirit, loved by all. i join her family, her loved ones, and my close Delta friends in mourning her untimely death.

as i was talking to a friend tonite--a fellow Cleveland native, a child of the 80s and 90s, and one of Stephanie's Sorors--we started talking about passion...about figuring out that one thing (or two or three) that you're passionate about...and doing something about it! Stephanie lived her life in that way, and leaves behind a legacy of commitment to changing the status quo so that ALL might be free. we should all be so blessed to walk on the trail that she blazed for us.

beloved, this life is brief--whether you live to be 33 or 93, it will probably never seem like enough time. let's face it: even though we have faith that our reward is in Heaven, we do enjoy our lives here and we enjoy being with the people we love and doing the things we love. no matter how truthful it may be, consoling someone with "your loved one has gone on to another place" does not take away the sting of death, especially when it happens so suddenly. as a person of faith, i struggle daily with questions about death and dying, and even deal with some...ok, A LOT of.... fear of the unknown. i worry about the inevitable, and i simultaneously celebrate and dread each year older the elders in my family become, as their Golden Years slowly roll along past the scientist-calculated life expectancy. i worry about my Precious Cargo....i worry about my mom....i worry about myself everytime i am away from either.....

as cliches go, "live each day to the fullest" is one of the more popular.... and it is so true. as we've seen over and over and over again with the deaths of famous people...and the not-so-famous people whose names are printed in church bulletins under "bereaved families" each week...we are reminded that this life is brief and tomorrow is unknown. we are reminded that everyday that we wake on this side of eternity, we ought to be thanking and praising God that He gave us another chance to get it right. we ought not to take one moment for granted and waste one second of time because you can get neither back.

and we ought to do the soulwork to figure out, and then go after, our passions, with the hopes that after we leave this earth, there will be fruit left behind.

plant wisely.

open season

i was talking to a friend this morning who is subscribed to my blog, and i asked him how he was liking it so far. he said it was good, but that it seemed 'very personal to me.' i was little befuddled by that statement because in my understanding/experience with blogs (albeit limited), all of them have been pretty personal to whomever is writing them and...well..that's kinda the point. a daily dose of "the gospel according to ______" to anyone who cares to read.

but, his question got me to thinking about my purpose for this blog, the inspiration behind it, and what i hope will come out of it....so, here's where i pause for a little "station identification."

there are about 30 ppl on the list of subscribers to this blog. i consider all of you friends, but some of us, naturally, are closer than others..or in different ways. i am 100% certain that in reading my daily musings about everything and nothing, many of you will probably discover things that you never knew about me, even those that have known me the longest.

for better or for worse, i'm pretty much an open book. when i meet someone, i look for a way to connect with them, and if the connection is mutual, then we're good to go! most of the time, it results in a positive outcome, but every now and then, my tendency towards the, what i call, "0-60" --(shoutout to my bff JM-D who came up with that term!) --has unfortunately resulted in friendships and relationships that have crashed and burned once the honeymoon was over. in the wreckage, inevitably left behind were pieces of my heart that i had shared in an effort to connect. i've learned and grown from those situations...but still haven't quite been able to give up the very essence of me--my openness.

this blog is an outlet for me. it is therapeutic & cathartic, as it allows me decompress at the end of the day and reflect. it is fun, because i love to write! and, above all else, it is purposeful in what the Lord would have for me to be doing during this time in my life.

you see, my open nature has allowed me to be transparent and naked in front of folks that i meet along the way. i'm not ashamed of my past or my present, and i'm definitely not ashamed of the Gospel of JC and ALL that it's done for me. in all that i've experienced both good and bad, i know that the Lord is shaping my testimony to do big things for Him, and this blog is a first step in that.

many of you have posted comments and/or emailed me offline to tell me how much you enjoyed one of my postings and how it's impacted you. you've told me how you can relate to where i've been and where i'm at, and you've given me cyber hi-fives to encourage me that i'm on the right track. you've thanked me for putting myself out there and many are pleasantly surprised at some of the things that i've revealed...and that are subsequently revealed within yourself.

so, i thank you for taking this journey with me. i thank you for reading, for commenting, for encouraging....but most of all, i thank you for having an open heart for whatever He might be trying to say to you through me--that is at the core of my purpose for this blog.

thanks for being with me during this open season......

same ol' Beans

i should be in bed right now. well, i AM in bed right now, but i should be sleeping. i just completed a 12 hour drive from Utica, NY to the VOP (Village of Oak Park) with a brief 20 minute stop in Cleveland to pick up my Precious Cargo. so, most normal people would be in bed by now, but since when was i normal anyway?


i needed to write because, you see, it is therapeutic for me....even through heavy-lidded and tired eyes.


now that i've set the scene, let me get to the point.


in honor of my long drive today, i spent the better part of last Saturday night selecting from a friend's 6600+ iTunes music library to burn some travelin' music. i absolutely HEART 80s and 90s r & b/New Jack Swing, so i made sure to include plenty of that. as i was cruising along today, an oldie-but-goodie came on which serves as the inspiration for today's blog: "Same Ol G" by 90s r & b sensation Ginuwine.


let me explain: as i was listening to Ginuwine talk about how "having his own CD and being on TV" didn't change who he was, i thought about it in relationship to myself.


i'm the same ol' Beans...."Beans" is my childhood family nickname, short for String Beans, due to my extremely thin frame growing up. said thin frame left 5 years and 50 lbs ago, but you get my drift. (ok, stop laughing now)


i've been thinking about this issue of identity, especially with respects to womanhood. 2 years ago, for many people i ceased to be KW, and instead became titled "Sophia's Mama." now, don't get me wrong--i am Sophia's mama and am very proud of it....but i'm also still the same ol' Beans....and sometimes i just want to rest in that.

this summer, i have had an unusual amount of time to myself due to vacation and work transition. my Precious Cargo has been in the care of her grandparents for the last 6 weeks, and i've been by myself, up and down the East Coast and back and forth across the Midwest. while on vacation in July, i went out to a party with a group of friends. one of the friends was newer to my circle and seemed shocked that i knew how to party. "who knew KW liked to kick it?" she said in amazement while we were dancing. now, truth be told, KW's kicking it days are few and far between, due to parenting obligations, shift in priorities, and just an overall disinterest in the club scene. but eeeeevery now and again...for a special occasion, i'll go out and let my hair down. the old friends in my life who knew me when....pre-Sophia, pre-slowing down, pre-saved...aren't surprised that i still have it in me--in moderation and good taste, of course.


we get so compartmentalized in titles--mother, wife, employee, Soror or Frater, etc. that sometimes we forget the essence of who we are, beyond those boxes. those boxes are wonderful and are each a blessing in their own unique way, but sometimes it's nice to reflect on who YOU are, autonomous of what everyone ELSE calls you.


so, today, i'm the Same Ol' Beans....Same Ol' Me....


goodnite.

the truth is....

....sometimes i struggle with this whole contentment thing. Paul says to us in Phillipians that he has learned to be content, both in plenty and in want. i've meditated and stood on those verses for some time now, especially when i learned and embraced the difference between contentment and complacency. this morning, the topic of contentment crossed my mind and i thought to blog about it once i made it to my PC this evening. i was all ready to pontificate about how i had this contentment thing mastered...how i had conquered impatience and envy and restlessness and "when, God, when?!" and...... then i got an email that caused me to get real with myself..and i realized that i still have some work to do.


one of my chapter Sorors is engaged to a great guy. she sent out the link to their wedding website today and i took a look. i beamed from ear to ear, as i read their love story, and admired the gorgeous photos. she is a wonderful person, and i am so very happy for the two of them.


as i was browsing the site, i had a twinge of the"when, God, when?" Syndrome. for so long, i've been content...no...cool on...dating/love/all that mushy stuff. i've been content with that aspect of my life being pretty quiet, and in fact have welcomed the inactivity. for those that know me well, they know that is a COMPLETE departure from my norm. i am a very relational person, hopeless romantic, and historically have always been on the lookout for that next great love affair...until now.


my reasons for indifference vary, and if i can be honest with you and with myself, i'm sure that some of them are rooted in disappointment at the outcome of my past situations, as well as an overall fatigue with the whole process.


so, i was shocked to feel that twinge today while looking at the wedding website. as i was racking my brain with my top 10 list of reasons why i have a right to be questioning God's timing, i realized that perhaps i'm not as "content" as i think i am.


contentment to me means an overall peace in knowing that you're exactly where you're supposed to be, even if you don't quite understand (or appreciate) why you're there. i wondered if i was really content--at peace--or if i had masked that with indifference in order to take away some of the sting. i wondered if instead of owning my heart's desires, and trying to align them with God's perfect will & timing for my life, i had actually allowed my own impatience to fester into crossed arms/pouted lips, and a foot-stomping tantrum when my Father didn't give me what i THOUGHT was best for me.


whoever said patience was a virtue ain't neva lied.....

the view from the top

a good friend of mine is on a vacation this week in rural VA, and as part of his "relaxation" he hiked Harper's Ferry. last year, he hiked the first 'ridge' of sorts, which is about a mile long...this year, he hiked to the top, a rocky, treacherous trail that is 3 miles in all. not exactly Mt. Everest, but his own version of mountain-climbing, getting in touch with his outdoorsy side...hrumph, i'll pass.


i have no interest in climbing mountains, not real ones anyway. i'm much more comfortable being the spotter at the bottom, waiting for the climber to go up and return safely, while being on guard for, God forbid, something going wrong.... and me needing to start praying to Jesus, Mary, and all the saints for my cell phone to get a signal.


though i'll probably never make it to the top of a mountain, i've climbed many of my own spiritual mountains in this journey called life. i thought about that this morning as i was driving to The Plantation...i was getting my praise-and-worship on (gotta get that mind right!) and one of my favorite songs came on--For Every Mountain. i remember the first time i heard the song at TUCC--that was a true Holy Ghost experience....

for every mountain

You've brought me over

for every trial

You've seen me through

for every blessing

hallelujah

for this, i give You praise

every time i hear the song now, no matter what--it has the same effect on me. my mind starts to race as i think back on my mountains (whew--there have been some BIG ones)...and how He has carried me through...and i am overwhelmed with gratitude and emotion, which for me, manifests itself in tears and shouts.

i never thought that i would get to the place where i would thank God for both the good AND the trying times. it seems almost counter-intuitive-- atleast for the spiritually immature--to thank God for the very things that pain us, hurt us, and threaten to break us apart. but without those mountains, those rocky trails, we wouldn't have the view from the top--the breathtaking view of God's beautiful creation, surrounding us on all sides. we wouldn't have that feeling of catching our breath in wonder and amazement at the beauty that is all around us everyday.

so, thank You God...thank You for Harper's Ferry...thank You for Mt. St. Helens...thank You for Kilimanjaro....thank You for Everest..

.

thank You for the view....

war...and PEACE

i am probably one of, if not THE most indecisive person on earth. if i go to a restaurant that has too extensive of a menu (read: Cheesecake Fac with its 50 pages of food choices!), i've got major problems. not because i'm a picky eater (i'm not), but just because i simply can't make up my mind when i'm given too many choices. if i get the chicken, inevitably i'm wondering what the fish would've tasted like, etc. you get my point.

if i have that much difficulty with deciding what to eat, you can only imagine how i am with the MAJOR decisions of my life. i was thinking about this earlier as i was talking to my Sororfriend, reflecting on a major decision that i made to scale back--tremendously--in my chapter responsibilities. now to some of you reading this, that might not seem like a big deal..but for me, Ms. Pink-and-Green Busy-Bee herself, it was HUGE, as my dedication to my chapter responsibilities has been my primary activity outside of parenting and corporate hustling.

this whole issue of praying and asking God for guidance/discernment has had me racking my brain lately. God doesn't give me the Charlton Heston 10 Commandments booming voice from heaven when i ask for answers. i don't feel lightning bolts, shivers, manna raining down on my head, or whispers in my ear. but, what i do get is peace. as someone who is admittedly high-strung (sometimes)-always on the go, constantly fighting the worry/anxiety trap, and an over-thinker, i find it very difficult to still myself and my mind enough to get into a contemplative, meditative state to hear from the Lord. when i get to that space...and i feel that sense of peace..then i know that i have made the right decision...that i am moving in the right direction.

i told my friend today that though my natural tendency is to second-guess decisions that take me outside of my comfort-zone or go beyond other's narrow expectations of me.....i have peace about where i am right now..about what i'm doing...about where He's taking me.

the war continues to rage on the battlefield of my mind.

but i pursue peace.

count your blessings

i have a confession to make: today, i was ungrateful. for the past 2 weeks, i've been knee-deep in training for my new job. long days, short nites (trouble falling asleep before 12midnight most days), airport delays, and information overload. though i'm learning a lot, and my fellow employees have been very warm and welcoming, a sista is TIRED....ready to get back to my baby, and get back to the Chi, start setting up my office, and get this show on the road.

this new job comes with a lot of perks--home office, laptop, expense account and (drumroll please): a company car! ever since i told my fam and friends that i was getting a car, the first question has been: what kind of car is it? in annoyance, i've snapped back at many of you, saying, "i don't know, i don't care--it's free!" and, i really didn't know and didn't care...until today.

said Company Car is a 2006 Chrysler Sebring. i spotted my new whip for the first time from the 3rd floor of Home Office, sitting in the visitor's parking lot waiting for me. my first thought when i saw it was "not so sure about that color" (it's a very, very light green)....and, i discovered that it wasn't the 2008 that i assumed i would be getting, judging by what the other field employees in my office are driving. when i was released from Purgatory around 4:40pm, i entered my new car with trepidation, pulled out of the parking lot, and began to navigate my way through the mean streets of Small Town Upstate NY, all the while thinking to myself: "this wasn't what i was expecting."

and then i got checked....by the Holy Spirit, of course.

i thought back to a convo that i had with TOTGA (The One That Got Away) yesterday when i returned from Albany. we were talking about blessings, and how both of us had been gifted with so much, tangible and intangible, that we had done nothing--absolutely nothing--to deserve. i told him how i was in tears one night during my first week of training, sitting in my cushy hotel room, eating my all-expense paid dinner, watching a news story profiling another member of this sorority call Motherhood. this fellow mama (and former member of the so-called middle class) cried in embarassment and shame as she walked to the local Catholic parish to ask for assistance in feeding her family. her story stopped me in my tracks and i just had to thank God..over and over...because it could have...and could be...me. and, i'll never know why it wasn't.

i'm not perfect (join the club!) and still have my moments of uber-perfectionism, spoiledness, and wanting things my way. but the GREAT thing is--i KNOW i am living victoriously because as soon as those things start to creep up in my spirit, i recognize and cast them down to where they belong...and i can remind myself of what really matters.

so today, i'm grateful for 2.5 year old light-light green Sebring--which, if i can sell the AKAmobile, means no more car note for me! and i'm grateful for the gentle nudging of the Holy Spirit, ever reminding me to count my blessings.

First Things First

today, i said no. as an admitted people-pleaser, and one who always needs to be "in the mix" and an over-achiever, i hardly ever say no when asked to assist. a couple of months ago, i was asked to chair a fundraising event for 2009. reluctantly, i agreed but the more and more i thought about it...the more and more i decided that it just wasn't the right thing for me to be doing right now. my heart wasn't in it, and i knew that if my heart wasn't in it, God wasn't in it, and therefore i couldn't go forth in good conscience. so, after saying yes...i said no. i now feel both horrible and liberated at the same time...horrible that i let down those that accepted my "yes" 2 months ago..but liberated that my no frees me up to do what i should be doing for Him....and He wouldn't let me rest until i put First Things First.