b*tch tendencies

this is one of those posts that i've been avoiding writing for a number of reasons--partially because i didn't want to give any more energy to an unfortunate situation, and partially because it is sometimes painful to reflect. but, after a late-nite conversation over grits, pancakes, and [hairy] scrambled eggs--sorry, KD :( --ANND confirmation via this morning's sermon webcast (remember: His Daughter was exhausted last nite, so eChurch was the next best thing this morning), i figured it was time to write...and release...once and for all.

i used to have this friend (in retrospect, i used that adjective loosely). throughout my friendship with her, she would deliberately make smart-alecky comments, pretty regularly,that used to grate at my nerves. her mouth was smart in general, but i think she did it EXTRA with me because i usually wouldn't say much in response. it wasn't because i was a punk, but it was moreso that i chose my battles with her carefully bc any misplaced word could be grounds for a blowup, and, well, i've just moved past having space in my life for constant drama.

we went on vaca together in July, and after enduring a week of her mood swings, rolled eyes, and the constant snarky statements (i love that word!) , she decided to effectively end the friendship by telling me...no, i'm sorry by TEXTING me..to say that i was a "phony, fake, conniving, manipulative b*tch."

ouch.

i'm not an angel, but in my defense, i never did anything in our friendship that justified that characterization. after picking up my mouth off the floor and doing some reflection, i came to the conclusion that part of her reasoning for saying that to me (outside of being just a tad bit bonkers) was bc i didnt react to her antics. i swallowed a lot of what i could've said (and, in some ppl's opinion should've said) for the sake of the friendship, the vaca, and my sanity!

in other words, my b*tch tendencies were in check.

last night, me and my homegirl were talking about triggers and how ppl dont have to necessarily BE something--a thief, for example--but when triggered, can be compelled TO steal. you could use a number of different examples to illustrate that point--liar, cheater, alcoholic, etc. when a person does something, it doesn't necessarily define who they are inherently, but it can be indicative of a weak place within them that, when left open to attack, can bubble to the surface.

my Pastor illustrated a similar concept today when discussing the story of Jesus healing the leper in the Book of Mark. the man is described differently depending on what translation you read. in one translation he is described as "the leper." in another translation, he is described as "the man with leprosy." see the difference? the latter suggests a temporary situation, a condition that can be changed. the former defines who he is, period, without regard to what Jesus was about to do in his life.

i believe that all of us have weak places within is, that, if manipulated by the right trigger, can erupt. but the wonderful thing about God is, He knows those places, and when you get to a spiritual space where you can recognize them within yourself and be honest with Him about deliverance, you will be able to conquer those things! now, this is not to say you won't ever be tested and have to call on Him for help, but YOU will have the victory--not your emotions, not your weaknesses, not what you used to do/how you used to be--but who you ARE. and you will NOT be defined by those weak places, only by how you react when your buttons are pushed.

so, i'm proud to say that though i'm not perfect, i most certainly am NOT a b*tch! i recognize my tendency to go off when someone decides they want to talk to me crazy--so, i kill it before it gets out of hand. and, i'm proud of that fact and how far i've come bc had you talked to me a few years ago, this story might've ended just a lil differently, lol.

oh, and speaking of the end of the story--when the man was healed from leprosy, he couldn't WAIT to tell everyone about the goodness of God!! beloved, i DARE you to tell somebody today what God has delivered you from--how's he's changed you, taken away certain desires, changed your thinking, changed your walk and your talk...how good He has been to you, even when you weren't being good to yourself.

i ain't 'shamed of my b*tch tendencies...but, i'm proud of how i handle them--with grace, perserverence, and a smile :)