collateral damage

i've had a particularly challenging last few days with Precious Cargo. she will be 2 years old in less than a week and is smack-dab in the throes of the Tumultuous Twos. between the whining, the tantrums, the fierce defiance mixed with unrelenting clingyness, it's enough to make any (halfway) sane person go mad! today was the plateau and i literally felt my brain and my patience coming apart at the seams.

and then she smiled at me with her goofy, giggly grin and i thought, "this too shall pass."

as i've alluded to on some of my blogs, these last few weeks have been quite a challenge for me. i just started a new job, working from home, which is a complete departure from anything i've done in my career thus far. i just got PC back from 6 weeks of spoiled bliss with her grandparents, and she is completely off her routine until school starts this Wednesday. i've made some major decisions about taking care of some personal issues and have been coming to terms with that. all in all, i've just been in the midst of a big ball of confusion known as Transition and i havent been adjusting well at all.

as i've been "adjusting," (or not) the work laptop has been constantly open while i'm on and off the phone with my manager-in-another-state, Tech Support, etc. the Blackberry has been constantly ringing as i field calls from coworkers and friends. DHL is at my door daily with deliveries of office supplies (but still no dang-on office furniture!)

and, the constant in the background has been little PC, prying my hands off the laptop or the BB, climbing into my lap and trying to type along with me, pressing the speakerphone button so she too can talk to Tech Support...and ocassionally having a meltdown at the most inopportune time to show me once again who's REALLY boss in the W Household, lol.

all she wants is her Mommy's attention, and yet i am pulled in so many other directions just simply trying to provide for her. she doesn't understand conference calls, deadlines, appointments, out of town travel, and all day meetings. she just wants Mommy to read her the Elmo counting book for the 1000th time.

so i wonder about how i am shaping her reality, even at this young age. i wonder if she feels disconnected from me or that i don't pay her enough attention. i know that she can not yet understand the sacrifice that it takes to be a mother, and the mountain that being a single mother is, but i wonder if 5 or 10 years from now if she'll somehow be scarred because of all of the shuffling and shifting that i had do just to get us in a space where i could give her the best life possible--even if that meant 6 weeks with her grandparents while i traveled for training classes, or being on conference calls when she wanted to watch Sesame Street.

this little person wants nothing more than to laugh (and make me laugh), to give me kisses and hugs and to squeeze my nose so that i can honk like a duck.

and yet, there aren't enough hours in the day, days in the week, weeks in a month, for me to do all that i want to do for her....

i have to wonder--what will the collateral damage be of my "grind?"