these three words

2 years and 9 months ago this evening, i found out that i was going to be a mother. that moment is etched in my memory as if it happened yesterday, and i was reminded of it this morning at church, on my baby's 2nd birthday.

Pastor spoke about looking back and appreciating those who've come before us, whose backs we've stood on in order to be where we are today. at one point in the service, he told everyone to stand up and take 3 seconds to call out the name of someone who has in some way helped to pave the path to get us to our present state, a person whose words of encouragement and whose prayers had sustained us...as i reflected, i thought of three simple words that had been spoken to me 2 years and 9 months ago:

"keep. your. baby."

and, i thought of the person who said them to me--my best friend of 8 years, my sister-of-the-heart, PC's godmother, JM-D.

on the day that the stick turned blue and my life changed forever, JM-D was there. she was there at 10:30pm at Walgreen's when they called someone over the loudspeaker to unlock the cabinet that held the pregnancy tests (i was so embarassed, i could've just melted into the floor!) she was there at my house as i closed my eyes and held out the freshly peed-on stick to her bc i was too scared to read the results. she was there when i sat on the couch and i had my emotional breakdown at the results.

and she was the very voice of God, His messenger, that let me have my moment, and then sat on my couch, looked me straight in my eye, and said:

"keep. your. baby."

JM-D shielded me from the angry and mean-spirited words of my ex-boyfriend/PC's biological father throughout the pregnancy. she stood in the gap for me, keeping him informed about a pregnancy that he wanted nothing to do with, so that there would never be a question about lack of reachout towards him by me. she insulated me from his insults. she prayed with and for me, cried with and for me. she enc0uraged me when i felt like i couldn't/didn't want to go on. she assured me when i felt less-than-sure of myself and my abilities to do this thing called [single] motherhood. when many around me were telling me that i was making a big mistake by going thru with a pregnancy under less-than-ideal circumstances, JM-D's words resonated in my mind and in my heart:

"keep. your. baby."

and, i did.

and it was the most important and the BEST decision i have ever made in my life.

being PC's mother is an experience that i can hardly put into words. she makes the mundane tasks of caring for a person who cannot care for themselves a JOY, not a chore. she challenges me daily to die to myself and put someone else's needs before mine. she is the essence of unconditional love, and has taught me what it means to love unconditionally. she is my little unexpected blessing, and proof that what God told me was true--i would be rewarded for my obedience to Him.

ppl--so called Christians--have tried to tell me that my child is less-than-a-blessing because of the circumstances in which she was conceived. they've said that a child born out of wedlock can't be a blessing and nothing good can come out of it. that any anointing or purpose that God had for my life (including marriage) has been cancelled out due to this Scarlet Letter known as single parenthood. it's as if God's grace doesn't extend far enough to cover and correct, even when we step slightly off straight-and-narrow way, in these people's minds.

the devil is a liar.

PC saved my life. the testimony that has been built out of all i've been thru during the past 2+ years has cemented my understanding of the purpose & path that He has for me. her very existence has drawn amazing ppl into my life, including other single moms that have gone before me, and reached back to give me a helping hand, a kind word, a shoulder to lean on, and arms to hold me when i need to cry. she's taught me what it truly means to love...and be loved.

so, i am especially grateful for her today as she turns 2 years old and i mourn the passing of the Baby Days. i am grateful for the good days, for the not-so-good days, for the lessons taught, and the lessons learned.

i am grateful for JM-D, and for ALL of the ppl, especially the other moms (you know who you are) who have been a part of the village that have kept us going. i am grateful for your friendship, your prayers, your loving care of PC, your advice, your constructive feedback, and your grace.

and i am most grateful for the three words that have carried me thus far.

He meant it for my good.