it's not 'goodbye', it's 'see you later'

today was PC's birthday party....my Mini-Me, flesh-of-my-flesh, heart-of-my-heart, is TWO years old!! i can hardly believe it myself sometimes when i think about how the time has flown by.....

when the party ended, PC got extremely upset and burst into a tear-filled emotional episode. she didn't want the party to be over, and she most certainly didn't want to say goodbye to her friends who had come to play. she's been having a lot of trouble with goodbyes lately--i'm not sure if it's the separation anxiety issue or what.... but she absolutely hates to leave when we're visiting people, and when people come to visit us, she doesn't want them to leave either.

i was recapping the party with a friend tonite and describing to him what had happened. we talked about how there is always little bit of sadness with every goodbye, whether a person is just leaving your life temporarily (saying goodbye at the end of a visit), or more permanently (breakup, death, etc.).

it got me to thinking about an aspect of my personality that i've grown to embrace, but am also a little shy about. i absolutely HATE goodbyes. it doesn't matter the context, but generally speaking, goodbyes are very emotional for me. i have vivid memories of my childhood and how i first became aware of this fact about myself. my cousin and i are 9 years apart and for a large chunk of my early childhood years, we grew up together. he was/is like an older brother to me, and i simultaneously idolized him AND got on his last nerve, lol. when he moved to CA when he was 16 to live with his mom, i was devastated. after that point, we would only see each other every couple of years, and everytime he would get on the plane to go back out west, i would just fall apart. as i got older, it subsided, but even now, i still get a little misty-eyed when he leaves after a holiday visit.

this reaction has also manifest itself, interestingly enough, when i've left jobs. i've always been ready to go when i've moved onto a new position, but on that last day, as i've said goodbye to my coworkers, i've inevitably broken down too. now, in this case, these aren't individuals who i'm necessarily emotionally attached to....yet, i grieve the same way.

i've often wondered why i take goodbyes so hard...and, on that same token, why it is often so hard for me to say goodbye--when i know i should. i think that i have an issue with finality. when you say goodbye, it inherently implies finality. we say goodbye at funerals--death is final, atleast in terms of our earthly existence. we say goodbye at the end of a relationship--realistically, it is not often that the breakups turn into "makeups," so it's pretty final. we say goodbye at the end of a phone call--the conversation is over...atleast for now. i don't like finality...i don't like to think/know that something is "dead," even when i know that it should be. i think...no, i KNOW, that is why i've stayed in some situations wayyyy too long when goodbye should've been the most obvious course of action. goodbye makes me feel like i'm giving up...giving in...and i'm too stubborn for that, even when i know it isn't good for me. i feel more comfortable allowing the other person to say goodbye first...but it doesn't hurt any less.

so, the question is--is "goodbye" really permanent...or should we replace it with "see you later?" each day, our life is full of goodbyes--we drop our children off at school, many times not even questioning the fact that we'll see them again in a few hours. we say goodbye to our spouses when we leave for work. we say goodbye at the end of conference calls and business meetings. we never think twice about saying "goodbye" in the mundane of our everyday life, but will instead consistently say "see you later" to people/places/things that, in all honestly, need to have finality attached to them.

in PC's simple act this afternoon as she watched her friends depart, it reminded me of those in life who deserve the "see-you-laters": loving family and friends who have your best interest at heart, who are sacrificial, loving, patient, and kind. those who will celebrate with you, mourn with you, whose joys are your joys and whose sorrows are your sorrows. the "see-you-laters" should be reserved for places that bring you peace: your home, your place of worship, your neighborhood park, the home of a close family member..... the "see-you-laters" should be reserved for the things that add to your peace: laughter, humility, surprises, understanding, contentment.

and we should seek to not be afraid of saying goodbye to anything or anyone who is the antithesis of what see-you-later is meant to be.

hasta luego.