call me old-fashioned, but i don't believe in the "shuck-and-jive" that many modern day single women do to try to get the attention--or keep the attention--of a man that they are dating/seeing/kicking it with/boo'ed up with/interested in/etc. i've been thinking about that the past couple of days as i made the hard decision to finally let go of and move on from waiting/hoping/wishin'/prayin' for a particular Someone, to, as Common so eloquently put it, recognize sunshine...that sunshine being me! my girlfriends and i have a saying: 'you shouldn't have to convince or convict ANY man to want to be with you." that, right there, is the Gospel Truth, and i have always made sure to remind my gfs of that when we've been analyzing/over-analyzing the men in our lives and our relationships (or the lack thereof) with them.
i've been in a number of relationships in my short life, but there always seemed to be something missing. the ease, the connection, the kindness, the mutual admiration and respect, the shared values, the "fit"--something was always juuust a little off. with Someone though, i always felt like it was a complete package, the proverbial aha! moment--this, my dear, is what it's supposed to feel like/sound like/look like. and, so i latched onto that, hoping against hope....even when it was loudly and abundantly clear that the lightbulb was going off in my head...but wasn't making an electrical connection in his.
and even tho i know and preach the Gospel Truth, i wasn't quite living up to it. i found myself questioning him and myself with the "but whys?" i found myself feeling like something was wrong with me, and internalizing that, and getting increasingly frustrated by feeling this way about Someone....because it wasn't mutual....and it felt like rejection in the worst way.
and, so, yesterday, i made the decision to let it go. to look at it for what it IS and not what i WANT it to be. to recognize myself as sunshine...and to stop the subconscious song-and-dance, jumping up and down, waving my hands, saying "pick me, pick me!!" nah, homie, i'm not going to do that anymore. why?
because i DO shine.
and the next time i'm feeling a little "thirsty " (both literally and figuratively) after basking in the warmth of my me-ness...
i'll go have a tall glass of water...
and put that phone down.
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I am thrilled about this decision... i've been praying for you on this one...
My question is: How was this what it's supposed to be/look/feel like if the 100% reciprocation isn't there?
I've been where you were, you know that... and, this was the question i had to ask myself and what eventually made me 'get a drink of water... and put the phone down.'
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