closed mouths don't get fed

every now and then on this blog, i decide to make a confession. tonite is one of those nites....so, i have a confession to make. i struggle with unbelief. not unbelief in the sense of knowing that there is a God and that He is who He says He is--i have no doubt about that. but unbelief in the power of prayer....specifically, MY prayers. i struggle with unbelief that God hears and answers my prayers, especially when it seems that He is silent. i guess what i am trying to say is--i believe that God hears the prayers of others, but i wonder sometime if He hears me.

and so, because i struggle with wondering whether God hears me, is interested in the minutia of the [silly] things that i muddle thru, and will answer....sometimes....many times, i fail to pray.

writing this is almost embarassing to me. i have been discerning a call to ministry on my life for the last 3 years and am pretty certain that writing/teaching in service to His Church is where i will ultimately end up. so how can i, she who has picked up the cross (and all of the blessed burdens that come with it) and decided to follow Him, basically SUCK at one of the core tenets of my faith? how can i be Witnessing on a daily, telling other ppl to pray and 'wait on the Lord' and 'trust in His Will', when i myself don't have that piece figured out? how can i, the person who can't quiet her ever-racing mind for 5 mins in order that she might hear from Him, on that same token, speak to ppl about the importance of making space for God on a daily basis?

doctor, heal thyself.

i don't deny that God answers prayers, including mine. there for sure have been innumerable times where He has answered my prayers, both spoken and unspoken, and made a way for me--i surely cannot tell it all. but in looking back on those situations, i feel almost like i cheated on an exam. i didn't tarry in prayer/fasting for weeks/months/years--i instead uttered a prayer or two and then put the request on the shelf....and it came to pass. i almost feel like i got an "easy A" when i should've worked harder, even if it only meant a B+ but, then again, God always does above and beyond, so B+ is not even in His vocabulary.

so here i am today, singing the words of that old praise and worship song:

it's me, it's me, it's me, Oh Lord
standing in the need of prayer
it's me, it's me, it's me, Oh Lord
standing in the need of prayer

i am standing in the need of prayer...standing in need of getting in God's face...and He in mine...about the issues of my heart. i am standing in the need of my unbelief to be lifted, for my faith to be strengthened, for my discipline to be renewed. i am standing in need of being completely open and naked before Him, without regard for pretty words or proper prose....to just tell Him like it is, and have Him do the same. i am standing in need of a heart to not only tarry in prayer for myself, but also for others around me, especially those who don't even know that they need it.

i am HUNGRY for the Holy Spirit, for answers, for patience, for peace, for understanding, for revelation, for discernment.

i desire to dine at the table with Him and His Word/Will for my life until my heart, soul, and mind are full to overflowing with spiritual nourishment.

i am starving, malnourished, thirsty....

tell me Lord, what's on the menu?