and ANOTHA thing...

a conversation with a friend today reminded me of a bad habit that i've tried to shake over the years. that bad habit is the need for closure a.k.a. the Last Word. the need for closure has reared its ugly head mostly in the realm of romantic relationships. many of my breakups haven't been so 'clean' and there have been times where i've been left holding the bag wondering who-what-when-where-and-why. struggling for answers, i would fall victim to the OAP, sitting on the phone for hours with my best friend, dissecting over and over again what had happened, what i could've done differently, and most of all, trying to come up with an answer.

i've never understood my incessant need for answers. i'm horrible in math & science--disciplines who produce a solution at the end of the equation..but i've always been great in the social sciences--history, English, literature--subjects that don't really require an answer, but require more abstract thought and application. so, why this need for an answer? an answer, that, most of the time, won't make me feel any better?

as i've mentioned in blogs post, the funny thing about God/life is that it will present you with the same things over and over again until you get them right...and even if you do get them "right," you will still be tempted to do them wrong. which brings me to the point of today's blog. said Friend and i were talking about this topic of closure--feeling the need to have to have the Last Word--the denouement--to end a situation, even when the situation has already been 'ended' by communicating that it's no longer working for both parties involved, and it's time to move on....

as is the usual order of things (atleast in my experience):

Person A gets fed up and decides that Situation X is no good for them anymore. They communicate this with Person B. Person B says 'cool, i understand. best wishes to you.' Person A starts the journey of putting the pieces of their heart back together and getting on with life, only to have Person B reappear RIGHT when Person A is on the brink of breakthrough/recovery. now, Person A is in a position to say what they've always wanted to say to Person B because Person B has decided that they have something to say too, but Person A isn't really on it....or so Person A thinks. Person A gives Person B an audience in the name of 'closure' (a.k.a. looking for answers that they'll never get) , doors are opened, and Person A is back entangled with Person B and 20 steps back from where they were before.

sound familiar? (please see: same script, different cast)

now, the scenario described above is not meant to say that ppl and/or situations cannot change and be healed, because they can. but, 99% of the time, when we give an inch to a situation/person we know is no good for us, we do it because we're looking for answers....answers that we'll never get, atleast not on this side of eternity, and if we do, it ain't gonna be what we want to hear. we can dress it up as just wanting to 'close things on a positive note,' but let's call a spade a spade, because only then can we face the issue head on and not allow ourselves to get drawn into the SAME mess that we've worked so hard to get ourselves out of.

as i've written about before, i decided to walk away from the 7-year Itch because i needed to move on and to heal. almost 7.5 years later, i am no closer to having answers to my unanswered questions than i was a few months ago, and probably never will. but, i am ok with that. yes, it hurts from time to time. yes, i think about him/the situation. but, i also think about me...and what's best for me...and trying to mine answers from someone in the name of closure gets you nothing but further heartbreak. if we allow God...and time....to work their natural magic...answers WILL come in the most unexpected ways...in a way that will likely cause you to smack yourself in the forehead and say 'duh!' very loudly. manna will not rain down from Heaven nor will Charlton Heston appear in your dreams...but things will start to make sense and progress will be made.

but, progress only sticks when you learn to leave well enough alone.