dial tone.....deaf

some of ya'll have been reading my blog-moir since the beginning (or darn near) and have closely followed the chronicles of my so-called life with sincere interest/concern/compassion. you've gotten to know me better (for some, prolly better than you might have wanted, lol) and hopefully, i've inspired you in some way through the sharing of my story and my thoughts.

well, today one of my loyal blog-readers/dear friends said to me that she felt as though the tone of my blogs had changed...at which point, i proceeded to try to crawl back into my little hole.

why?

because she was 100% right...but, silly me--i was hoping no one noticed.

i conducted an unscientific poll of some other of my loyal-blog readers and discovered that they shared her sentiment.

the tone of my blog had definitely changed and though they liked my writings of late, they MISSED the meat-and-potatoes of my blogs from before.

if i can be real for a second, i have been avoiding blogging about some of the heavy topics that i've been struggling with over the past few weeks--i've wanted to write about grief/death/dying, as i watched ppl close to me deal thru that in the form of lost loved ones & dead marriages. i've wanted to address my doubts and my questions regarding my faith and the call on my life (or so i thought) with respects to ministry. i've wanted to address my growing disenchantment with my job (you know, the sweet deal w/ the car and the home office--but a level of stress i have YET to experience on any level in a job)....and the sometimes unbearable overwhelmth (i made that word up) of raising a precocious, challenging toddler on my own.

i've wanted to address my commitment issues and how i've come to realize that i have them, while watching a friend plow through her own. i've wanted to address a feeling of disconnect and deafening silence that i've heard in response to my prayers.

i've wanted to address the REAL reasons behind my haircut and this transformation that i am taking myself through.

but, i haven't. because i thought i was being too "heavy" and too "much" for my readers.

and then i was reminded today that in changing the tone of my blog, i am not being myself (which is contrary to MANY posts that i have written since its inception).

that ppl have come to love, reflect, and be inspired by my struggles and my triumphs.

and that was the whole point when i started this--to be an instrument...and to also heal myself through the therapy of writing.

so though i will still ocassionally write a short 'funny-of-the day' about my issues at the drive-thru or my philosophy on teeny-bopper hip hop artists...

i think i'm gonna go back to my roots and get back to the MEAT of my memoirs.

i hope you don't mind :-)