when the last time you had a good cry? i mean a REALLY good cry? body-wracking, shoulder-shuddering sobs....with noise? can you remember? if you can--good. if you can't, that concerns me.
i'm a crybaby--and proud of it! i'm not ashamed to cry and i will do it--when sad, when angry, when overjoyed, when touched. the sting of forthcoming tears behind my eyelids doesn't bother me, and i've even gotten to the space where i don't mind the "ugly cry"-the one where my hair gets all in my face and my ends start to get frizzy from the moisture, where pieces of hastily applied Kleenex cling to my cheeks, my nose is running, and I am gasping for air at the mere energy that is expelled to weep.
now, don't confuse my message here--i'm not some sadist/masochist who gets pleasure from pain--and more often then not, tears are the byproduct of some sort of pain. but, what i do know is that crying, to me anyway, provides a sense of release. tho i may not feel 100% better about whatever it is that caused me to cry, once the session is over i almost always feel lighter. once the tears have stopped, the noise has quieted, and i am able to open my eyes, the burden seems slightly lighter, even if just for a little while.
i am convinced that uncried tears and bottled-up emotions causes ppl to break. men are taught not to cry--that it makes them "less than a man"--and i know many women who won't cry, especially in front of their children, because they have to "keep it all other"--or atleast appear that way. i stopped shielding my tears a long time ago from PC. she and i live alone, and there are times when i need to just have a good cry and there's nowhere else to go--when something is troubling me, someone has made me upset, or when i'm upset at myself. i have tried many times, unsuccessfully to hold it in because i thought i might be "damaging her" by showing my emotions. but, i stopped. because, growing up in a family where outward displays of emotion were not encouraged has challenged me as an adult to embrace my tears and be okay about crying them. i want for PC to feel that same way, as she matures away from the crying that she does now which is borne more out of not getting her way and/or not being able to communicate clearly--to the crying that she will do as a young person and adult to express those things that words cannot say. so, i do cry in front of her every now and then...and, in her infinite Toddler Wisdom, she always knows just the right thing to do, which is generally pat my back with a smile of pure angelic innocence--you see, they are much smarter than we give them credit for.
the Woman with the Alabaster box washed Jesus' feet with her tears. tears of adoration, of love, of joy, of sweet release. she didn't care what she looked like, sounded like, or what others thought of her. and, as they cleansed Him, they were also cleansing for her wounded spirit.
are you in need of a good, cleansing cry? have you been holding back those tears because of keeping up those outward appearances? because of embarassment? because of false expectations of masculinity or strength? i challenge you to throw those notions out of the window, and allow yourself that release. find a good friend that you can cry with--that can embrace you, listen, and comfort.
i'm no doctor, but my personal experience makes this diagnosis clear: it's better out than in.
so, let it out.
*here's a Kleenex.
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Thursday, September 25, 2008
grateful
i've been fighting some Blogger's Block this last week. between the demands of my new job and general fatigue, my mind and spirit haven't been as clear enough for the topics to flow as easily as they had been....
so, tonite, as i was thinking about what to post, i kept thinking about gratitude. everywhere you turn these days--whether it's the TV news, the internet, the newspaper--the outlook is bleak. ppl are losing jobs left and right, homes are being seized by the bank, retirement savings are going down the tubes. middle-class families are on-par with those living on the poverty line, barely able to put gas in the car, food on the table, and clothes on their children's backs. Millions of Americans don't have adequate healthcare, and violence is claiming our children and other innocent bystanders in the street. i'm sure that i will get some unpopular backlash on this one, but, in November we will, in my opinion, have to choose the lesser of two evils to run this country and try to get us out of this mess. and, like it or not, racial lines are still drawn in this country whether you live in a big city or in rural Appalachia, and it's gonna show.
as someone who works in the financial services industry, i worry about my OWN job security, as even tho our CEO tells us that everything is fine...you just never know.
things are pretty bad right now.
BUT GOD.
i am reminded tonite to be grateful for what i DO know and what i CAN see:
with everything that is going on, it is natural to have anxiety. i have friends who work for companies whose numbers are steadily sliding downward daily--and they go into an office where the morale is terrible. i have friends whose companies are in the middle of acquisitions and they don't know how their job will shake out when all is said and done. i have friends who worked for major corporations--multi-BILLION dollar entities--only to have it bought out and be handed a pink slip and a box to pack up their desks. i have friends who work for the companies that have been in the news--AIG, Countrywide, etc--who have mortgages to pay and children to feed and clothe, while layoffs loom and/or have already happened.
i know single moms with ARMs who have seen their payments balloon $200+ and not quite sure how they're gonna make it work. stay-at-home moms whose husbands work in investment banking and who aren't seeing the income that they need to support the household. friends who are teachers in districts where enrollment is down, classes are being consolidated, and as housing pricing fall, so do property taxes and school funding.
ordinary ppl who are just trying to make it, take care of their kids, and live some sense of normalcy.
and that "normalcy"--that [false?] sense of security has been snatched away.
and so, we all, in our own way, ride this wave out.....try to remain positive....stay focused that there will be brighter days...and trust Him to provide.
and continue to maintain an attitude of gratitude for what we DO have....which is certainly not promised.
be encouraged.
so, tonite, as i was thinking about what to post, i kept thinking about gratitude. everywhere you turn these days--whether it's the TV news, the internet, the newspaper--the outlook is bleak. ppl are losing jobs left and right, homes are being seized by the bank, retirement savings are going down the tubes. middle-class families are on-par with those living on the poverty line, barely able to put gas in the car, food on the table, and clothes on their children's backs. Millions of Americans don't have adequate healthcare, and violence is claiming our children and other innocent bystanders in the street. i'm sure that i will get some unpopular backlash on this one, but, in November we will, in my opinion, have to choose the lesser of two evils to run this country and try to get us out of this mess. and, like it or not, racial lines are still drawn in this country whether you live in a big city or in rural Appalachia, and it's gonna show.
as someone who works in the financial services industry, i worry about my OWN job security, as even tho our CEO tells us that everything is fine...you just never know.
things are pretty bad right now.
BUT GOD.
i am reminded tonite to be grateful for what i DO know and what i CAN see:
- my family is healthy.
- PC is thriving.
- i am surrounded, near and far, by amazing friends.
- TODAY, i have a job.
- i have a comfortable roof over my head and something to eat as many times a day as i want.
- i can go to the doctor when i need to, and take PC when she needs to go without worrying about how i'll pay for it.
- i can see, hear, breathe, walk, and talk on my own.
- even in the midst of my busyness with life, daily He gives me opportunity to serve Him by serving and loving others.
with everything that is going on, it is natural to have anxiety. i have friends who work for companies whose numbers are steadily sliding downward daily--and they go into an office where the morale is terrible. i have friends whose companies are in the middle of acquisitions and they don't know how their job will shake out when all is said and done. i have friends who worked for major corporations--multi-BILLION dollar entities--only to have it bought out and be handed a pink slip and a box to pack up their desks. i have friends who work for the companies that have been in the news--AIG, Countrywide, etc--who have mortgages to pay and children to feed and clothe, while layoffs loom and/or have already happened.
i know single moms with ARMs who have seen their payments balloon $200+ and not quite sure how they're gonna make it work. stay-at-home moms whose husbands work in investment banking and who aren't seeing the income that they need to support the household. friends who are teachers in districts where enrollment is down, classes are being consolidated, and as housing pricing fall, so do property taxes and school funding.
ordinary ppl who are just trying to make it, take care of their kids, and live some sense of normalcy.
and that "normalcy"--that [false?] sense of security has been snatched away.
and so, we all, in our own way, ride this wave out.....try to remain positive....stay focused that there will be brighter days...and trust Him to provide.
and continue to maintain an attitude of gratitude for what we DO have....which is certainly not promised.
be encouraged.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
gimme that [working from my] house. music. all DAY long.
so, this working from home thing takes a little getting used to. before my office furniture finally showed up and everything got networked (thanks, JCoop!), my "office" was my couch. my "coworkers" were Judge Mathis, Judge Joe Brown, and the chicks from The View. yes, i was working--answering emails, phone calls, sitting in on virtual meetings, but i was also multislacking, watching TV, IMing, eating....etc.
what a difference a week makes.
now, i have an OFFICE and man, do i feel productive. i drag myself out of bed in the mornings, drop PC off at the carpool (or on my carpool days, pick her bff up and drop them both off), come home, and get it crackin. who knew that a desk, a printer/fax/copier, and a docking station could increase productivity sooooo exponentially!!
but, alas....sometimes, it gets a little lonely. there's no TV in the office, so if i want to "watch," i have to settle for "listening from afar" instead. i didn't turn the TV on at all today and it was eeerily quiet, so i reverted back to an old favorite--MUSIC. my Sorors recommended a GREAT internet radio site to me (www.pandora.com), and i've been jamming to everything from The Jets (don't hate) to Estelle to Maroon 5 all day. and, i'm getting so much done...and my mood is LIGHT!!
dont'cha just love music?? how you can hear a song, and instantly think back to where you were and what you were doing when that song came out? don't you love how you'll hear a song, and it'll bring a smile to your face (or sometimes a tear to your eye) with the memory of the person who it reminds you of?
so, today, though i'm a little lonely...i'm not alone, cause i've got all of my bff artists working right alongside me, making the day pass by, and helping ease some of the mindclutter.
and no one is shooting me dirty looks from the next cubicle over when i start singing those high notes....
ahhhh....autonomy :)
what a difference a week makes.
now, i have an OFFICE and man, do i feel productive. i drag myself out of bed in the mornings, drop PC off at the carpool (or on my carpool days, pick her bff up and drop them both off), come home, and get it crackin. who knew that a desk, a printer/fax/copier, and a docking station could increase productivity sooooo exponentially!!
but, alas....sometimes, it gets a little lonely. there's no TV in the office, so if i want to "watch," i have to settle for "listening from afar" instead. i didn't turn the TV on at all today and it was eeerily quiet, so i reverted back to an old favorite--MUSIC. my Sorors recommended a GREAT internet radio site to me (www.pandora.com), and i've been jamming to everything from The Jets (don't hate) to Estelle to Maroon 5 all day. and, i'm getting so much done...and my mood is LIGHT!!
dont'cha just love music?? how you can hear a song, and instantly think back to where you were and what you were doing when that song came out? don't you love how you'll hear a song, and it'll bring a smile to your face (or sometimes a tear to your eye) with the memory of the person who it reminds you of?
so, today, though i'm a little lonely...i'm not alone, cause i've got all of my bff artists working right alongside me, making the day pass by, and helping ease some of the mindclutter.
and no one is shooting me dirty looks from the next cubicle over when i start singing those high notes....
ahhhh....autonomy :)
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
dangerous liasons
life has been happening, and i've been away for a few days...but itching to be back (and some'a ya'll been stalking me, like 'where is the blog!' ).....so here i am, back in effect, giving you a glimpse into my so-called life.
yesterday, i was driving back from a work appointment.....90 mins to and 90 mins from FARRR NW suburban Chicago, Crystal Lake to be exact. so, in between car-thinking, jamming to my 80s/90s New Jack Swing, and stuffing McDonald's down my throat, i Blackberry IMed with two of my friends...simultaneously...while driving....trying to give encouragement and insight to one about a dicey spiritual situation she was in....and soaking up encouragement from the other while i vented about my own dicey situation.
i know, i know...dangerous.
anyhoo, my friend in CA who i was soaking encouragement from, i'll call her the Doc, (who, by the way, i've been trying to convince to give me a FREE psych eval, cus sometimes i feel like i'm losing it, lol) made a very profound statement as were doing what we always do--dissecting life, love, and the pursuit of something called joy. she said to me something along the lines of "i don't go to church, or quote Scripture, but, what i do know is, it's truly about what His plan is and we may not see it yet, but we're not supposed to...and i'm a firm believer that whatever will be, will be and no one/thing can keep it from happening if its His will...NOTHING."
wow.
the Doc's statement was so relevant and right on time for quite a few reasons. we were talking about God's Will and how He is a gentleman and won't push, but He is also strategic and will place ppl and situations in your life--good and not-so-good--to get your attention. i started thinking about the ppl that are around me right now....how, after a tumultuous last 6 mos, i made the decision that i ONLY wanted positive ppl around me: ppl who loved and accepted me for who i am, who challenged me to become a better person, who held me accountable for commitments that i've made in various areas of my life, and who believed in the reciprocity of honesty, respect, support and encouragement that only comes with authentic friendship/relationships with others.
i don't quite remember specifically praying for those things or the ppl who have manifest them, but as i've stated in my blog before, when you project those attributes out into the world, eventually the Universe bounces them back to you, and they come back 100-fold. they are unexpected, happenstance meetings, strategically designed by the Master Matchmaker Himself.
ok, so where does the title of my blog come in, which is the biggest lesson of them all?
i have 4 good friends right now who aren't "in church." one is the Doc, who is still trying to find the right place for her. one is still trying to figure out where she falls on the spirituality spectrum. one is disenchanted with organized religion. and one has some issues with the hypocrisy that she has seen within some church settings, which turns her off a bit to the whole idea of it.
but, all of these women, have, along the way, given me sounder spiritual advice than some so-called super-spiritual churchfolk that i know.
to trust God's will.
to pray without ceasing.
to love anyway and take the high road, even when you want to do the opposite.
to release fear.
to not be ashamed.
to let go of baggage and allow blessings to come to you.
etc. etc.
and that's dangerous. it's dangerous to "churchfolk" who think that God can only use ppl who sit in a pew every Sunday, who can quote the Bible backwards and forwards, and who "love the Lawd" with all their heart, while secretly hating their neighbor.
it's dangerous to think that ALL are welcome at His table, to be fed by His Word, guided and directed by His Spirit, and forgiven by His mercy and love, even while one is YET figuring out which way to go.
it's dangerous to think that someone who is "in church" (me) can share with ppl who i love and cherish who aren't "in church" the Good News, without trying to shove it down their throat or make them feel bad about where they are.
it's dangerous when you can be mutually transparent, even sharing the struggles that you still face as a "saved" person so that one might know that being a Christian doesn't equal being perfect.
and it's dangerous for the Enemy that God, in His infinite wisdom, orchestrated each of these encounters, to fulfill His purposes on both sides, as i am as much here to teach and to share, as i am to learn.
so, i'm grateful that i didn't kill myself yesterday while i was living on the edge TWD--texting-while-driving--because that was dangerous too!
and i am especially grateful for these 4 ladies (whom i'm hope can figure out from the context clues that i'm talking about THEM) who inspire me each and every day, help me laugh to keep from crying, talk me off the ledge when i'm ready to jump, and speak the truth in love to keep me in line.
thanks for putting on your armor and walking into the danger zone with me.... so that we can slay the dragons that life throws at us.....together :)
yesterday, i was driving back from a work appointment.....90 mins to and 90 mins from FARRR NW suburban Chicago, Crystal Lake to be exact. so, in between car-thinking, jamming to my 80s/90s New Jack Swing, and stuffing McDonald's down my throat, i Blackberry IMed with two of my friends...simultaneously...while driving....trying to give encouragement and insight to one about a dicey spiritual situation she was in....and soaking up encouragement from the other while i vented about my own dicey situation.
i know, i know...dangerous.
anyhoo, my friend in CA who i was soaking encouragement from, i'll call her the Doc, (who, by the way, i've been trying to convince to give me a FREE psych eval, cus sometimes i feel like i'm losing it, lol) made a very profound statement as were doing what we always do--dissecting life, love, and the pursuit of something called joy. she said to me something along the lines of "i don't go to church, or quote Scripture, but, what i do know is, it's truly about what His plan is and we may not see it yet, but we're not supposed to...and i'm a firm believer that whatever will be, will be and no one/thing can keep it from happening if its His will...NOTHING."
wow.
the Doc's statement was so relevant and right on time for quite a few reasons. we were talking about God's Will and how He is a gentleman and won't push, but He is also strategic and will place ppl and situations in your life--good and not-so-good--to get your attention. i started thinking about the ppl that are around me right now....how, after a tumultuous last 6 mos, i made the decision that i ONLY wanted positive ppl around me: ppl who loved and accepted me for who i am, who challenged me to become a better person, who held me accountable for commitments that i've made in various areas of my life, and who believed in the reciprocity of honesty, respect, support and encouragement that only comes with authentic friendship/relationships with others.
i don't quite remember specifically praying for those things or the ppl who have manifest them, but as i've stated in my blog before, when you project those attributes out into the world, eventually the Universe bounces them back to you, and they come back 100-fold. they are unexpected, happenstance meetings, strategically designed by the Master Matchmaker Himself.
ok, so where does the title of my blog come in, which is the biggest lesson of them all?
i have 4 good friends right now who aren't "in church." one is the Doc, who is still trying to find the right place for her. one is still trying to figure out where she falls on the spirituality spectrum. one is disenchanted with organized religion. and one has some issues with the hypocrisy that she has seen within some church settings, which turns her off a bit to the whole idea of it.
but, all of these women, have, along the way, given me sounder spiritual advice than some so-called super-spiritual churchfolk that i know.
to trust God's will.
to pray without ceasing.
to love anyway and take the high road, even when you want to do the opposite.
to release fear.
to not be ashamed.
to let go of baggage and allow blessings to come to you.
etc. etc.
and that's dangerous. it's dangerous to "churchfolk" who think that God can only use ppl who sit in a pew every Sunday, who can quote the Bible backwards and forwards, and who "love the Lawd" with all their heart, while secretly hating their neighbor.
it's dangerous to think that ALL are welcome at His table, to be fed by His Word, guided and directed by His Spirit, and forgiven by His mercy and love, even while one is YET figuring out which way to go.
it's dangerous to think that someone who is "in church" (me) can share with ppl who i love and cherish who aren't "in church" the Good News, without trying to shove it down their throat or make them feel bad about where they are.
it's dangerous when you can be mutually transparent, even sharing the struggles that you still face as a "saved" person so that one might know that being a Christian doesn't equal being perfect.
and it's dangerous for the Enemy that God, in His infinite wisdom, orchestrated each of these encounters, to fulfill His purposes on both sides, as i am as much here to teach and to share, as i am to learn.
so, i'm grateful that i didn't kill myself yesterday while i was living on the edge TWD--texting-while-driving--because that was dangerous too!
and i am especially grateful for these 4 ladies (whom i'm hope can figure out from the context clues that i'm talking about THEM) who inspire me each and every day, help me laugh to keep from crying, talk me off the ledge when i'm ready to jump, and speak the truth in love to keep me in line.
thanks for putting on your armor and walking into the danger zone with me.... so that we can slay the dragons that life throws at us.....together :)
Sunday, September 21, 2008
who knew KW could kick it?
...she can! and she did this weekend, celebrating KD's birthday, and all the rest of the faboo Virgos, including herself.
His Daughter is TOO OLD to be dancing til 3am, and then up for church at 7:30, so KW is TIRED.
will try to post later tonite....if not, hopefully will be recovered by tomorrow :-)
His Daughter is TOO OLD to be dancing til 3am, and then up for church at 7:30, so KW is TIRED.
will try to post later tonite....if not, hopefully will be recovered by tomorrow :-)
Thursday, September 18, 2008
hurry up and wait
one thing about living in Chicago that never changes--the traffic sucks! we have a great public transportation, both within the city limits and to and from the suburbs, but most ppl still drive their own vehicles which causes lots of gridlock, headaches, and road rage on a daily basis.
but, every cloud has a silver lining.
i have always been a car-thinker. some ppl are bathroom deep-thinkers; some ppl do their deep thinking laying in bed at nite or in the wee hours of the morning. me, i've always been a car-thinker, preferring to have my deep thoughts behind the wheel on a long road trip...or, while participating in my [not-so] favorite pasttime--sitting in traffic.
i sit in traffic a lot these days, a lot more than i had for the last 18 mos that i was working downtown and Metra-ing everyday. i sit in traffic doing PC's carpool, driving to work appointments, and just plain getting from Point A to Point B. it can be a little nerve-wracking, but, on most days, i don't mind. it gives me time to return phone calls, listen to music, pray, and think.
i was thinking today--while in traffic-- about this concept of patience, and how my patience is tested and strengthened on a daily basis. i have to be patient with a 2 year old who is simultaneously trying to assert her independence while still clinging to me at every turn. i have to be patient while sitting in upwards of 2+ hours of traffic. and i have to be patient as i pray and believe God for answers, even if that answer is no....or not right now.
a good friend of mine has been wanting to become a member of a certain organization for quite a while. tho she is an excellent candidate for membership, circumstances outside of her control have been obstacles in her way on more than one ocassion. i am already a member of this organization and i shared with her a story that i thought would give her some encouragement. another good friend of mine became a member a year before i did. i remember sitting in the hotel lobby waiting to enter her celebratory luncheon and her mom (also a member) coming up to me, resting her hand on my shoulder, looking me in my tear-rimmed eyes, and saying "your time will come." little did i know that my time would come exactly one year later--but at that time, you couldn't have told me that. at that time, all i could see was the "right now"--and the right now was not what i wanted. but, unbeknownst to me, God had other plans, plans that i could not see and timing that i could not control.
i related that story to my friend tonite not only for her benefit, but also for my own. some of my dreams have been realized, but there are others that i am yet waiting to manifest. most days i am optimistic, but some days i get very discouraged and want to just give up. funny that i've been feeling that way this week because every single devotional/sermon that i've heard for the last few days have been on this issue of faith....longsuffering faith. believing and trusting Him even when what you can see with your natural eyes looks nothing like your hearts desires, the ones that He promised to give you--if you would just trust Him.
so, i'm thankful for this crazythick traffic and the inspiration it gives me just by being what it is--something i have NO control over, but have to muddle thru to get to my end goal--Point B. funny how that's analogous to life--the traffic jams of life we go thru that seem to last forever, with time creeping along at less than 10 miles per hour. the roadblocks/obstacles that slow us down...but also protect us from things that we cannot see.
i'm trying to keep my driving record clean and my insurance rates down...so, i think i'll just slow down a bit, roll the windows down, and enjoy the scenery--Point B isn't going anywhere.
care to join me?
but, every cloud has a silver lining.
i have always been a car-thinker. some ppl are bathroom deep-thinkers; some ppl do their deep thinking laying in bed at nite or in the wee hours of the morning. me, i've always been a car-thinker, preferring to have my deep thoughts behind the wheel on a long road trip...or, while participating in my [not-so] favorite pasttime--sitting in traffic.
i sit in traffic a lot these days, a lot more than i had for the last 18 mos that i was working downtown and Metra-ing everyday. i sit in traffic doing PC's carpool, driving to work appointments, and just plain getting from Point A to Point B. it can be a little nerve-wracking, but, on most days, i don't mind. it gives me time to return phone calls, listen to music, pray, and think.
i was thinking today--while in traffic-- about this concept of patience, and how my patience is tested and strengthened on a daily basis. i have to be patient with a 2 year old who is simultaneously trying to assert her independence while still clinging to me at every turn. i have to be patient while sitting in upwards of 2+ hours of traffic. and i have to be patient as i pray and believe God for answers, even if that answer is no....or not right now.
a good friend of mine has been wanting to become a member of a certain organization for quite a while. tho she is an excellent candidate for membership, circumstances outside of her control have been obstacles in her way on more than one ocassion. i am already a member of this organization and i shared with her a story that i thought would give her some encouragement. another good friend of mine became a member a year before i did. i remember sitting in the hotel lobby waiting to enter her celebratory luncheon and her mom (also a member) coming up to me, resting her hand on my shoulder, looking me in my tear-rimmed eyes, and saying "your time will come." little did i know that my time would come exactly one year later--but at that time, you couldn't have told me that. at that time, all i could see was the "right now"--and the right now was not what i wanted. but, unbeknownst to me, God had other plans, plans that i could not see and timing that i could not control.
i related that story to my friend tonite not only for her benefit, but also for my own. some of my dreams have been realized, but there are others that i am yet waiting to manifest. most days i am optimistic, but some days i get very discouraged and want to just give up. funny that i've been feeling that way this week because every single devotional/sermon that i've heard for the last few days have been on this issue of faith....longsuffering faith. believing and trusting Him even when what you can see with your natural eyes looks nothing like your hearts desires, the ones that He promised to give you--if you would just trust Him.
so, i'm thankful for this crazythick traffic and the inspiration it gives me just by being what it is--something i have NO control over, but have to muddle thru to get to my end goal--Point B. funny how that's analogous to life--the traffic jams of life we go thru that seem to last forever, with time creeping along at less than 10 miles per hour. the roadblocks/obstacles that slow us down...but also protect us from things that we cannot see.
i'm trying to keep my driving record clean and my insurance rates down...so, i think i'll just slow down a bit, roll the windows down, and enjoy the scenery--Point B isn't going anywhere.
care to join me?
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
customer disservice
i am sitting in the airport waiting on the Greyhound-of-the-Sky--otherwise known as Southwest Airlines--to take me up, up, and away back to the Chi. yes, i'm out of town AGAIN for my lovely new position--this time it was for 9 1/2 hours worth of "teambuilding" courtesy of Alain-from-western-Massachusetts.
anyhoo, i stayed in a really nice hotel last nite. my original digs--the Holiday Inn-has been without power since last Sunday's windstorm, so i had to switch, ending up at the Crowne Plaza. i re-booked the night before and all they had available was a suite (wow-what a shame!)...so i showed up yesterday to a faboo two room suite, complete with lavender linen spray to "help me sleep" and access to the hospitality hookup on the 9th floor.
sweet dreams, right?
wrong.
so, at about 7pm, my neighbors to the left decided to have a party of sorts. i have no idea what the heck was going on in there, but what i do know is that i endured thru almost 4 hours of sorority-girl, high-pitched screaming, yelling, and laughing while i tried to be a Good Little Employee and read and respond to the emails i missed while on the road. i called the front desk not once, not twice, but THREE times to complain about the noise. i would've just as soon as went into the bedroom and closes the door, but there was no wireless and a sista HAD to get some work done. so, in lieu of acting you-know-what, i thought i'd call downstairs and have them handle it. they agreed (altho in the 2nd phone call, the front desk person admitted that she'd 'forgotten' to handle it the first time), but the noise continued, so at about 11:30, i went to bed in disgust, without the assistance of Eau de Lavendar on my sheets.
this morning, i complained to the front desk, and got a lukewarm, at best, response. not having time to speak with a manager before my meeting began, i made a mental note to call and talk to the HPIC (head person in charge) later.
so, i'm asking myself the question---am i trippin? am i complaining too much? should i just be grateful for the 2 room suite, free hor'duerves, and 24 hour access to the Business Center? i am a STICKLER for customer service. no matter if i'm in a restaurant, in a hotel, on an airline, or dealing with PC's daycare, service is of utmost importance to me. i have no problem hedging a complaint--not cause i'm looking for a hookup, but simply bc it is what a customer is owed for a service that they are paying for.
so, i got to thinking about complaining in general. on Sunday, i made a pact with my homegirl that i would not complain about a certain thing for atleast 3 days. i know that i can be a complainer and overly critical, and i am actively working on that. it's been about 4 days now, and to my knowledge, i haven't mentioned/complained about that issue--yay! little victories, right?
what if we tried to live for 1 week without complaining at all? how difficult would that be? i am sure that there would be a lot of hand-wringing and loud-exhaling while fighting that internal battle. but, i think it's a challenge worth taking, to remind us what really matters and not to sweat the small stuff.
maybe next week.
but for now, i'm gonna go home, spray some'a this "aromatherapy" to aid in tonite's shut eye, display an attitude of gratitude towards Him for safe travels....
and call the hotel manager in the morning. ;-)
anyhoo, i stayed in a really nice hotel last nite. my original digs--the Holiday Inn-has been without power since last Sunday's windstorm, so i had to switch, ending up at the Crowne Plaza. i re-booked the night before and all they had available was a suite (wow-what a shame!)...so i showed up yesterday to a faboo two room suite, complete with lavender linen spray to "help me sleep" and access to the hospitality hookup on the 9th floor.
sweet dreams, right?
wrong.
so, at about 7pm, my neighbors to the left decided to have a party of sorts. i have no idea what the heck was going on in there, but what i do know is that i endured thru almost 4 hours of sorority-girl, high-pitched screaming, yelling, and laughing while i tried to be a Good Little Employee and read and respond to the emails i missed while on the road. i called the front desk not once, not twice, but THREE times to complain about the noise. i would've just as soon as went into the bedroom and closes the door, but there was no wireless and a sista HAD to get some work done. so, in lieu of acting you-know-what, i thought i'd call downstairs and have them handle it. they agreed (altho in the 2nd phone call, the front desk person admitted that she'd 'forgotten' to handle it the first time), but the noise continued, so at about 11:30, i went to bed in disgust, without the assistance of Eau de Lavendar on my sheets.
this morning, i complained to the front desk, and got a lukewarm, at best, response. not having time to speak with a manager before my meeting began, i made a mental note to call and talk to the HPIC (head person in charge) later.
so, i'm asking myself the question---am i trippin? am i complaining too much? should i just be grateful for the 2 room suite, free hor'duerves, and 24 hour access to the Business Center? i am a STICKLER for customer service. no matter if i'm in a restaurant, in a hotel, on an airline, or dealing with PC's daycare, service is of utmost importance to me. i have no problem hedging a complaint--not cause i'm looking for a hookup, but simply bc it is what a customer is owed for a service that they are paying for.
so, i got to thinking about complaining in general. on Sunday, i made a pact with my homegirl that i would not complain about a certain thing for atleast 3 days. i know that i can be a complainer and overly critical, and i am actively working on that. it's been about 4 days now, and to my knowledge, i haven't mentioned/complained about that issue--yay! little victories, right?
what if we tried to live for 1 week without complaining at all? how difficult would that be? i am sure that there would be a lot of hand-wringing and loud-exhaling while fighting that internal battle. but, i think it's a challenge worth taking, to remind us what really matters and not to sweat the small stuff.
maybe next week.
but for now, i'm gonna go home, spray some'a this "aromatherapy" to aid in tonite's shut eye, display an attitude of gratitude towards Him for safe travels....
and call the hotel manager in the morning. ;-)
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
take a bow
i really, really, really HEART Rihanna. i'm not usually into bandwagon, trendy pop "icons" but, for whatever reason, i've been a a big fan of hers for quite a while. 'umbrella' (ella ella) didn't hook me tho; it was actually 'please don't stop the music'-(it didn't hurt that she sampled MJ's 'wanna be startin' somethin')...and her latest single has me hooked as well. as i was driving to the airport, it came on the radio and made me think about a conversation that i had this past sunday....voila! a blog is born.
sunday nite, i was up late, handling one of my [favorite] pasttimes--PC's laundry. normally, i do laundry at pretty oddball times so there's no one else in there with me, but on sunday, i had company. her name was Becka and we struck up a conversation as she pittered away on her laptop, writing a paper on, of all things "theology librarians."
being the pseudo-theologian i am, i asked her if she was in seminary--she told me no, that she was actually working on a Master's of Library Science (booknerd--i LOVE it!), but had been entertaining the thought of going to rabbinical school to, you know, become a rabbi. i told her that i had been considering seminary, and we started a very lively discussion about interfaith topics. i thoroughly enjoyed this conversation because I LOVE to talk about comparitive religion, particularly with my Jewish brethren as i studied Judaism for many years, considered conversion at one time in my life, and still have a huge appreciation and love for the Jewish faith (and my homeboy JC was a Jew too 2000+ years ago!).
we started talking about the Jewish high holy days that are coming up soon, in particular Yom Kippur which falls on October 9th. for those that don't know, Yom Kippur is the Jewish Day of Atonement, a time for solemn reflection, asking God and others for forgiveness of trespasses. we talked about how we should be in a constant position of asking God for His forgiveness (which He so freely gives, even tho we often don't deserve it) and we should also be in a position of asking others for their forgiveness...instead of waiting and trying to cram it all in the week before YK.
excellent concept, which stretches beyond religious/denomational boundaries. we agree!
so, here's where Rihanna comes in.
in her latest ode to love-gone-awry, Ri-Ri tells her wayward boyfriend:
i thought about how we give apologies sometimes. how we say, 'i'm sorry, BUT...." telling the offended how supposedly sorry we are, but then justifying it with a "BUT you....." in my opinion, the insertion of "but" cancels out the apology.
do we REALLY mean those apologies? or are we just apologizing because it sounds good, even though we feel justified in however we acted (or reacted) to the other person?
tho we may not always agree with how a person felt by something that we did or said, i think when we care and love for ppl, it should be an almost natural response to feel remorse when we've hurt them. i once had someone tell me that he was justified in doing/saying anything he wanted, at any time, because he had a responsiblity to speak the truth, no matter whose feelings got hurt in the process. this person had a tendency to go off on profanity-laced, insensitive tirades to friends and family-members in the name of "speaking the truth" and would not, under any circumstances, apologize.
when you apologize to someone, it allows you to be free--free from guilt, free from shame. tho the person may not ever forgive you, you can rest assured that you tried...and hopefully, you apologized authentically. and, it also frees you to be forgiving towards them when they feel compelled to apologize to you--as God has forgiven you.
forgiveness doesn't mean that the behavior is excused--what you accept, you teach as acceptable. but it does mean that you can move on from any leftover anger or bitterness which does nothing to stunt your growth.
do you have anyone you need to atone with today? anyone you owe an apology to? it's never too late.
exit the Stage of the Unresolved--no bow needed.
sunday nite, i was up late, handling one of my [favorite] pasttimes--PC's laundry. normally, i do laundry at pretty oddball times so there's no one else in there with me, but on sunday, i had company. her name was Becka and we struck up a conversation as she pittered away on her laptop, writing a paper on, of all things "theology librarians."
being the pseudo-theologian i am, i asked her if she was in seminary--she told me no, that she was actually working on a Master's of Library Science (booknerd--i LOVE it!), but had been entertaining the thought of going to rabbinical school to, you know, become a rabbi. i told her that i had been considering seminary, and we started a very lively discussion about interfaith topics. i thoroughly enjoyed this conversation because I LOVE to talk about comparitive religion, particularly with my Jewish brethren as i studied Judaism for many years, considered conversion at one time in my life, and still have a huge appreciation and love for the Jewish faith (and my homeboy JC was a Jew too 2000+ years ago!).
we started talking about the Jewish high holy days that are coming up soon, in particular Yom Kippur which falls on October 9th. for those that don't know, Yom Kippur is the Jewish Day of Atonement, a time for solemn reflection, asking God and others for forgiveness of trespasses. we talked about how we should be in a constant position of asking God for His forgiveness (which He so freely gives, even tho we often don't deserve it) and we should also be in a position of asking others for their forgiveness...instead of waiting and trying to cram it all in the week before YK.
excellent concept, which stretches beyond religious/denomational boundaries. we agree!
so, here's where Rihanna comes in.
in her latest ode to love-gone-awry, Ri-Ri tells her wayward boyfriend:
don't tell me you're sorry cause you're not
boy, you're only sorry you got caught
i thought about how we give apologies sometimes. how we say, 'i'm sorry, BUT...." telling the offended how supposedly sorry we are, but then justifying it with a "BUT you....." in my opinion, the insertion of "but" cancels out the apology.
do we REALLY mean those apologies? or are we just apologizing because it sounds good, even though we feel justified in however we acted (or reacted) to the other person?
tho we may not always agree with how a person felt by something that we did or said, i think when we care and love for ppl, it should be an almost natural response to feel remorse when we've hurt them. i once had someone tell me that he was justified in doing/saying anything he wanted, at any time, because he had a responsiblity to speak the truth, no matter whose feelings got hurt in the process. this person had a tendency to go off on profanity-laced, insensitive tirades to friends and family-members in the name of "speaking the truth" and would not, under any circumstances, apologize.
when you apologize to someone, it allows you to be free--free from guilt, free from shame. tho the person may not ever forgive you, you can rest assured that you tried...and hopefully, you apologized authentically. and, it also frees you to be forgiving towards them when they feel compelled to apologize to you--as God has forgiven you.
forgiveness doesn't mean that the behavior is excused--what you accept, you teach as acceptable. but it does mean that you can move on from any leftover anger or bitterness which does nothing to stunt your growth.
do you have anyone you need to atone with today? anyone you owe an apology to? it's never too late.
exit the Stage of the Unresolved--no bow needed.
Monday, September 15, 2008
what a coinki-dink
so Saturday night, i blogged about my struggle with unbelief. Sunday morning, i woke up bright and early to begin our ritual of breakfast, getting dressed, and making the trek to the South Side for church. i looked outside and it was POURING down rain, which had pretty much been the story all weekend--nonstop rain rain rain thanks to our friend-to-the-south, Ike. for a moment i was discouraged thinking about all of the trouble that it was going to take to transport PC from the door to the car--and the car to the door--in the near-monsoon conditions. but, i talked myself into it, and bit the bullet, albeit a little bit wet, frizzy, and flustered by the time we got there.
i don't know about you, but i have more often than not found that when i don't feel like going to church (whether it is because i don't feel well, i'm tired, or the weather is unfavorable), when i decide to press my way there, there is ALWAYS an on-time Word for me. it is rare that i don't feel like going, but i'm also not so holy that there aren't Sundays where the bed is feeling good and the prospect of spending 45 mins-an hour fighting traffic on the way home from church is not-so-good. but, i do try to make a point to get there, because i need to be in that space to worship Him, to release the burdens of the week, to prepare for the week to come, and to find fellowship with my church family.
so, yesterday i went....a little distracted...still reeling a bit from what i'd written about the nite before, but needing to be there.
and, i'm glad i went.
Pastor's message yesterday was all up in my business, which i guess i shouldn't be surprised about, lol. he spoke about the man in the book of Mark who brought his son to Jesus to have him delivered from the demonic spirits that were within him. he had tried everything he knew to try and nothing was working, and all he wanted was for his child to be free. he was a believer and basically said to Jesus, IF you can help me....i'm a believer, but help my unbelief! Jesus said to him, "If? EVERYTHING is possible for those who believe."
the point of Pastor's message was for us to TAKE BACK our families--our children, our marriages, etc. our children are being attacked on all sides and the future of our very communities is being cut down at young ages due to violence, drugs, poverty, etc. the same is being said for our relationships/marriages, and the state of families in general, particularly black families. the Enemy is real, and we have a right and a RESPONSIBILITY to get him away from our families.
and, the only way to do that is with prayer...fervant prayer...and fasting.
Pastor challenged every member in the church who wanted to take their family back, to approach the altar yesterday, to hold the hand of someone they didn't know, and to make a commitment, that, for the next 7 days, to pray for their family 3 times a day, as well as the family of their fellow congregant. this should also be fortified with fasting--whether from food or from things/people.
this message spoke volumes to me because i have been asking God for restoration and completion in my small family (me & PC) for quite a while, and have given up on it more times than i can count (hence where my unbelief issue came in). i had a moment yesterday that i think all single mothers have had or still have: you just get to a space that you realize this ISN'T the way it's supposed to be. it's not about a pity party or trying to get ppl to feel sorry for you--there are countless other women that do this thing everyday with more children and less resources than i do. but it is about knowing what you desire in your heart for yourself and for your child(ren) and believing God that He will grant you those desires, according to His Will.
so, that is what i am standing in agreement for this week--restoration and completion of my family, according to His Will.
and, if you have areas within your family that you need God to take back--or even if things seem so great on the surface but you know there's some healing that needs to be done underneath--i dare you to get before Him this week. whether you're a single wanting to be married (for the right reasons), married and wanting some healing in your marriage or restoration of the "magic," divorced and wanting to find peace within your spirit, dealing with unresolved issues with your parents/siblings, kids driving you crazy, whatever it is--please stand and agree with me that God can fix it.
oh, and i don't believe in coincidences--or "coinki-dinks" as i like to call them...
but i DO believe in confirmations...so here's a confirmation number for you:
Mark 9:23
all things are possible.
i don't know about you, but i have more often than not found that when i don't feel like going to church (whether it is because i don't feel well, i'm tired, or the weather is unfavorable), when i decide to press my way there, there is ALWAYS an on-time Word for me. it is rare that i don't feel like going, but i'm also not so holy that there aren't Sundays where the bed is feeling good and the prospect of spending 45 mins-an hour fighting traffic on the way home from church is not-so-good. but, i do try to make a point to get there, because i need to be in that space to worship Him, to release the burdens of the week, to prepare for the week to come, and to find fellowship with my church family.
so, yesterday i went....a little distracted...still reeling a bit from what i'd written about the nite before, but needing to be there.
and, i'm glad i went.
Pastor's message yesterday was all up in my business, which i guess i shouldn't be surprised about, lol. he spoke about the man in the book of Mark who brought his son to Jesus to have him delivered from the demonic spirits that were within him. he had tried everything he knew to try and nothing was working, and all he wanted was for his child to be free. he was a believer and basically said to Jesus, IF you can help me....i'm a believer, but help my unbelief! Jesus said to him, "If? EVERYTHING is possible for those who believe."
the point of Pastor's message was for us to TAKE BACK our families--our children, our marriages, etc. our children are being attacked on all sides and the future of our very communities is being cut down at young ages due to violence, drugs, poverty, etc. the same is being said for our relationships/marriages, and the state of families in general, particularly black families. the Enemy is real, and we have a right and a RESPONSIBILITY to get him away from our families.
and, the only way to do that is with prayer...fervant prayer...and fasting.
Pastor challenged every member in the church who wanted to take their family back, to approach the altar yesterday, to hold the hand of someone they didn't know, and to make a commitment, that, for the next 7 days, to pray for their family 3 times a day, as well as the family of their fellow congregant. this should also be fortified with fasting--whether from food or from things/people.
this message spoke volumes to me because i have been asking God for restoration and completion in my small family (me & PC) for quite a while, and have given up on it more times than i can count (hence where my unbelief issue came in). i had a moment yesterday that i think all single mothers have had or still have: you just get to a space that you realize this ISN'T the way it's supposed to be. it's not about a pity party or trying to get ppl to feel sorry for you--there are countless other women that do this thing everyday with more children and less resources than i do. but it is about knowing what you desire in your heart for yourself and for your child(ren) and believing God that He will grant you those desires, according to His Will.
so, that is what i am standing in agreement for this week--restoration and completion of my family, according to His Will.
and, if you have areas within your family that you need God to take back--or even if things seem so great on the surface but you know there's some healing that needs to be done underneath--i dare you to get before Him this week. whether you're a single wanting to be married (for the right reasons), married and wanting some healing in your marriage or restoration of the "magic," divorced and wanting to find peace within your spirit, dealing with unresolved issues with your parents/siblings, kids driving you crazy, whatever it is--please stand and agree with me that God can fix it.
oh, and i don't believe in coincidences--or "coinki-dinks" as i like to call them...
but i DO believe in confirmations...so here's a confirmation number for you:
Mark 9:23
all things are possible.
Saturday, September 13, 2008
closed mouths don't get fed
every now and then on this blog, i decide to make a confession. tonite is one of those nites....so, i have a confession to make. i struggle with unbelief. not unbelief in the sense of knowing that there is a God and that He is who He says He is--i have no doubt about that. but unbelief in the power of prayer....specifically, MY prayers. i struggle with unbelief that God hears and answers my prayers, especially when it seems that He is silent. i guess what i am trying to say is--i believe that God hears the prayers of others, but i wonder sometime if He hears me.
and so, because i struggle with wondering whether God hears me, is interested in the minutia of the [silly] things that i muddle thru, and will answer....sometimes....many times, i fail to pray.
writing this is almost embarassing to me. i have been discerning a call to ministry on my life for the last 3 years and am pretty certain that writing/teaching in service to His Church is where i will ultimately end up. so how can i, she who has picked up the cross (and all of the blessed burdens that come with it) and decided to follow Him, basically SUCK at one of the core tenets of my faith? how can i be Witnessing on a daily, telling other ppl to pray and 'wait on the Lord' and 'trust in His Will', when i myself don't have that piece figured out? how can i, the person who can't quiet her ever-racing mind for 5 mins in order that she might hear from Him, on that same token, speak to ppl about the importance of making space for God on a daily basis?
doctor, heal thyself.
i don't deny that God answers prayers, including mine. there for sure have been innumerable times where He has answered my prayers, both spoken and unspoken, and made a way for me--i surely cannot tell it all. but in looking back on those situations, i feel almost like i cheated on an exam. i didn't tarry in prayer/fasting for weeks/months/years--i instead uttered a prayer or two and then put the request on the shelf....and it came to pass. i almost feel like i got an "easy A" when i should've worked harder, even if it only meant a B+ but, then again, God always does above and beyond, so B+ is not even in His vocabulary.
so here i am today, singing the words of that old praise and worship song:
it's me, it's me, it's me, Oh Lord
standing in the need of prayer
it's me, it's me, it's me, Oh Lord
standing in the need of prayer
i am standing in the need of prayer...standing in need of getting in God's face...and He in mine...about the issues of my heart. i am standing in the need of my unbelief to be lifted, for my faith to be strengthened, for my discipline to be renewed. i am standing in need of being completely open and naked before Him, without regard for pretty words or proper prose....to just tell Him like it is, and have Him do the same. i am standing in need of a heart to not only tarry in prayer for myself, but also for others around me, especially those who don't even know that they need it.
i am HUNGRY for the Holy Spirit, for answers, for patience, for peace, for understanding, for revelation, for discernment.
i desire to dine at the table with Him and His Word/Will for my life until my heart, soul, and mind are full to overflowing with spiritual nourishment.
i am starving, malnourished, thirsty....
tell me Lord, what's on the menu?
and so, because i struggle with wondering whether God hears me, is interested in the minutia of the [silly] things that i muddle thru, and will answer....sometimes....many times, i fail to pray.
writing this is almost embarassing to me. i have been discerning a call to ministry on my life for the last 3 years and am pretty certain that writing/teaching in service to His Church is where i will ultimately end up. so how can i, she who has picked up the cross (and all of the blessed burdens that come with it) and decided to follow Him, basically SUCK at one of the core tenets of my faith? how can i be Witnessing on a daily, telling other ppl to pray and 'wait on the Lord' and 'trust in His Will', when i myself don't have that piece figured out? how can i, the person who can't quiet her ever-racing mind for 5 mins in order that she might hear from Him, on that same token, speak to ppl about the importance of making space for God on a daily basis?
doctor, heal thyself.
i don't deny that God answers prayers, including mine. there for sure have been innumerable times where He has answered my prayers, both spoken and unspoken, and made a way for me--i surely cannot tell it all. but in looking back on those situations, i feel almost like i cheated on an exam. i didn't tarry in prayer/fasting for weeks/months/years--i instead uttered a prayer or two and then put the request on the shelf....and it came to pass. i almost feel like i got an "easy A" when i should've worked harder, even if it only meant a B+ but, then again, God always does above and beyond, so B+ is not even in His vocabulary.
so here i am today, singing the words of that old praise and worship song:
it's me, it's me, it's me, Oh Lord
standing in the need of prayer
it's me, it's me, it's me, Oh Lord
standing in the need of prayer
i am standing in the need of prayer...standing in need of getting in God's face...and He in mine...about the issues of my heart. i am standing in the need of my unbelief to be lifted, for my faith to be strengthened, for my discipline to be renewed. i am standing in need of being completely open and naked before Him, without regard for pretty words or proper prose....to just tell Him like it is, and have Him do the same. i am standing in need of a heart to not only tarry in prayer for myself, but also for others around me, especially those who don't even know that they need it.
i am HUNGRY for the Holy Spirit, for answers, for patience, for peace, for understanding, for revelation, for discernment.
i desire to dine at the table with Him and His Word/Will for my life until my heart, soul, and mind are full to overflowing with spiritual nourishment.
i am starving, malnourished, thirsty....
tell me Lord, what's on the menu?
Friday, September 12, 2008
fatal attraction
a couple of weeks ago, i discovered that there's a name for people like me: "Friendster." a Friendster, by definition, is a person that is open, and tries to make a friend wherever they go--attempting to find a common ground/connection with other ppl and then if it clicks, a new friendship could potentially be sprouted. growing up an only child, i had to learn to be independent, play by myself, and create imaginary friends when the situations arose. as i got older--i would say beginning in my mid-high school years and beyond--i started to really take my friendships seriously, treating and considering those closest to me like family, the brothers/sisters that i'd never had. that sentiment continues to this day, and i place a lot of value/stock into my friendships, and though i'm not perfect, i try to continuously cultivate the relationships with my sisterfriends because they are sustaining, life-giving, and invaluable.
there are a lot of women in my age/peer group who wave the banner of "i don't need any new friends"--they're perfectly content with the handful of homegirls that they have, and they feel fulfilled in those relationships. they're not really looking to expand that circle and/or put in the work that is involved in getting to know a completely new person on a close level. that stems from a lot of places--simple disinterest, fear of failure/vulnerability, etc. not looking to expand your circle is not necessarily a negative thing, as each person has their own reasons based upon their life experiences, but i also think that when we are closed to those possibilities, subconsciously, we may be blocking a blessing.
i meet ppl all the time in social settings, thru other friends, by accident, etc. i almost always look for a way to connect (the "Friendster" in me) and sometimes it sticks, and sometimes it doesn't. as i've been reflecting over the ppl that i've met, befriended, [dated], etc over the past 5 or 6 yrs since i've been doing this thing called "being grown," i started thinking about the notion of "we are what we attract." i've always wondered how much truth there was to that statement. if you are what you attract, if you attract great ppl--does that mean you're great? if you attract craz--er...um..."interesting" ppl, does that mean you're interesting? is your picker just off if you keep getting presented with "interesting" folks? or do you keep getting presented with those situations to teach you something?
i discussed in an earlier blog about friendship how being open (now referred to as being a "Friendster") can make you extremely vulnerable, and sometimes a few bad apples will get by, but eventually the positive energy and love that you exude will be propelled back to you. also on the lines of "being grown" i've learned to take retrospectives about every relationship/friendship that might have gone awry to try and figure out what my contribution was, even if my contribution was nothing more than not reading the signs early on or staying too long. i feel that one has officially "arrived" when they can do that soulwork and really get in their OWN face about their OWN stuff, without placing all of the blame on the other party.
so, on some levels, i think we are what we attract, even in our weak places. if you have insecurities/emotional issues within you that are unresolved, i believe that subconsciously, you can attract ppl who may prey on those insecurities, maybe not maliciously, but just by way of the dynamic of your interactions with them. spiritually, the enemy is always looking for an in, and he is the Master Manipulator, so if you're not careful, he will use even those closest to you to attempt to break you down and stir up things that you've either moved past...or are actively working to move past.
i think we are what we attract in our positive places, as well. as an example, i know ppl who have said that they aren't really looking for new friends, but when that right fit comes along, a new friend they have! and, in being open to that, they've found a great new person to share this journey called Life with, purposed by whatever reason that God saw fit to bring them into each other's lives.
i am feeling at a good place--at a golden place, as Jilly from Philly would say. i finally have an identity in this Friendster role--yay, lol! and i am comfortable with that. i have great, POSITIVE ppl around me, who love me in spite of me, and whose actions towards me, even when they have to give me "feedback," is rooted in true friendship and most importantly, love.
my "picker" is getting better, i think, and i am learning the art of saying goodbye when necessary. i am me, and i am ok--and i know that being me, loving who He made me to be, working on me always, and modeling me after Him as best i can, has gotten me to this place. and that is a good place--not a perfect place, but a GOOD place.
and that, is the most atrractive thing of all :)
there are a lot of women in my age/peer group who wave the banner of "i don't need any new friends"--they're perfectly content with the handful of homegirls that they have, and they feel fulfilled in those relationships. they're not really looking to expand that circle and/or put in the work that is involved in getting to know a completely new person on a close level. that stems from a lot of places--simple disinterest, fear of failure/vulnerability, etc. not looking to expand your circle is not necessarily a negative thing, as each person has their own reasons based upon their life experiences, but i also think that when we are closed to those possibilities, subconsciously, we may be blocking a blessing.
i meet ppl all the time in social settings, thru other friends, by accident, etc. i almost always look for a way to connect (the "Friendster" in me) and sometimes it sticks, and sometimes it doesn't. as i've been reflecting over the ppl that i've met, befriended, [dated], etc over the past 5 or 6 yrs since i've been doing this thing called "being grown," i started thinking about the notion of "we are what we attract." i've always wondered how much truth there was to that statement. if you are what you attract, if you attract great ppl--does that mean you're great? if you attract craz--er...um..."interesting" ppl, does that mean you're interesting? is your picker just off if you keep getting presented with "interesting" folks? or do you keep getting presented with those situations to teach you something?
i discussed in an earlier blog about friendship how being open (now referred to as being a "Friendster") can make you extremely vulnerable, and sometimes a few bad apples will get by, but eventually the positive energy and love that you exude will be propelled back to you. also on the lines of "being grown" i've learned to take retrospectives about every relationship/friendship that might have gone awry to try and figure out what my contribution was, even if my contribution was nothing more than not reading the signs early on or staying too long. i feel that one has officially "arrived" when they can do that soulwork and really get in their OWN face about their OWN stuff, without placing all of the blame on the other party.
so, on some levels, i think we are what we attract, even in our weak places. if you have insecurities/emotional issues within you that are unresolved, i believe that subconsciously, you can attract ppl who may prey on those insecurities, maybe not maliciously, but just by way of the dynamic of your interactions with them. spiritually, the enemy is always looking for an in, and he is the Master Manipulator, so if you're not careful, he will use even those closest to you to attempt to break you down and stir up things that you've either moved past...or are actively working to move past.
i think we are what we attract in our positive places, as well. as an example, i know ppl who have said that they aren't really looking for new friends, but when that right fit comes along, a new friend they have! and, in being open to that, they've found a great new person to share this journey called Life with, purposed by whatever reason that God saw fit to bring them into each other's lives.
i am feeling at a good place--at a golden place, as Jilly from Philly would say. i finally have an identity in this Friendster role--yay, lol! and i am comfortable with that. i have great, POSITIVE ppl around me, who love me in spite of me, and whose actions towards me, even when they have to give me "feedback," is rooted in true friendship and most importantly, love.
my "picker" is getting better, i think, and i am learning the art of saying goodbye when necessary. i am me, and i am ok--and i know that being me, loving who He made me to be, working on me always, and modeling me after Him as best i can, has gotten me to this place. and that is a good place--not a perfect place, but a GOOD place.
and that, is the most atrractive thing of all :)
Thursday, September 11, 2008
motive-ation
i'll be the first to admit that i don't have the thickest skin. as i've addressed (and probably OVER-addressed) in some of my writings, i'm pretty sensitive. i'm proud to say that i'm not as sensitive as i used to be, but i'm still pretty mushy in some ways, and it doesn't take much to bruise my feelings, especially if you're close to me. to be a blogger, i'm learning, you've got to toughen up a bit. everyone won't always agree with what you have to say, and all of the comments won't be "pretty." but, the goal undergirding it all is to share, to inspire, to challenge, and to spark discussion, even if it gets to the point of agreeing to disagree.
while i want to do all of those things that i mentioned above, one thing i do NOT want to do is hurt people, close to me and otherwise. this is NOT what i've been purposed for in this forum, and i'll just as soon stop writing if it begins to veer off course of what i've been gifted by God to do.
monday's blog about the attendance of my birthday party was, by far, the blog that has incited the biggest reaction. as soon as i posted, i started receiving phone calls and emails from ppl, primarily feeling guilty, but also some were upset. i felt horrible because the purpose of the blog was not to call out any particular person/ppl or to make anyway feel a certain way, whether good or bad. the blog was meant to be about a FEELING, and not about a person. i spent a good portion of the day explaining my intentions with the posting, and making sure that everything was all good between myself and those that had reached out.
many of you who follow my writings everyday are close to me. we talk weekly, if not daily, and our conversations/interactions/triumphs/tragedies flip the writing switch for me--you are my inspiration! it is inevitable that you'll somehow end up in my blog--your five minutes of fame, i suppose, lol--but i am extremely careful to be discreet. i only use initials or nicknames for positive shoutouts, and anything that might be a little dicey, i try to be even more discreet and very vague in my descriptions. and, for those especially difficult situations, i will NEVER EVER EVER use this blog as a medium to address them, particularly if they haven't already been addressed in private. the onus on me in each posting is to focus on what He's teaching me thru the situation, and not the other person(s) that may be involved...and i hope that i'm doing that.
i went into this blogging journey with the commitment that i would NOT censor, meaning, that i would walk the walk of being transparent, even if it meant sharing some things about myself that are hard for me to face. i learned a long time ago not to be ashamed of where i've been, where i'm at, or where i'm going, and judging by the responses to some of my postings, they are accomplishing exactly what He wanted--that ppl know that someone else is struggling thru (and conquering!) the same things they are--you are NOT alone.
i welcome and appreciate your feedback, both positive and constructive. each of you, in your own way, make me a better person, a better writer, and most importantly, a better Witness. and, i hope that, in its own small way, me sharing the sometimes painful (-ly hilarious, lol) stories of my life, have inspired you that we're all in this thing together.
KW IS on her job (thanks, TI, lol).....
while i want to do all of those things that i mentioned above, one thing i do NOT want to do is hurt people, close to me and otherwise. this is NOT what i've been purposed for in this forum, and i'll just as soon stop writing if it begins to veer off course of what i've been gifted by God to do.
monday's blog about the attendance of my birthday party was, by far, the blog that has incited the biggest reaction. as soon as i posted, i started receiving phone calls and emails from ppl, primarily feeling guilty, but also some were upset. i felt horrible because the purpose of the blog was not to call out any particular person/ppl or to make anyway feel a certain way, whether good or bad. the blog was meant to be about a FEELING, and not about a person. i spent a good portion of the day explaining my intentions with the posting, and making sure that everything was all good between myself and those that had reached out.
many of you who follow my writings everyday are close to me. we talk weekly, if not daily, and our conversations/interactions/triumphs/tragedies flip the writing switch for me--you are my inspiration! it is inevitable that you'll somehow end up in my blog--your five minutes of fame, i suppose, lol--but i am extremely careful to be discreet. i only use initials or nicknames for positive shoutouts, and anything that might be a little dicey, i try to be even more discreet and very vague in my descriptions. and, for those especially difficult situations, i will NEVER EVER EVER use this blog as a medium to address them, particularly if they haven't already been addressed in private. the onus on me in each posting is to focus on what He's teaching me thru the situation, and not the other person(s) that may be involved...and i hope that i'm doing that.
i went into this blogging journey with the commitment that i would NOT censor, meaning, that i would walk the walk of being transparent, even if it meant sharing some things about myself that are hard for me to face. i learned a long time ago not to be ashamed of where i've been, where i'm at, or where i'm going, and judging by the responses to some of my postings, they are accomplishing exactly what He wanted--that ppl know that someone else is struggling thru (and conquering!) the same things they are--you are NOT alone.
i welcome and appreciate your feedback, both positive and constructive. each of you, in your own way, make me a better person, a better writer, and most importantly, a better Witness. and, i hope that, in its own small way, me sharing the sometimes painful (-ly hilarious, lol) stories of my life, have inspired you that we're all in this thing together.
KW IS on her job (thanks, TI, lol).....
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
trivial pursuit
call me old-fashioned, but i don't believe in the "shuck-and-jive" that many modern day single women do to try to get the attention--or keep the attention--of a man that they are dating/seeing/kicking it with/boo'ed up with/interested in/etc. i've been thinking about that the past couple of days as i made the hard decision to finally let go of and move on from waiting/hoping/wishin'/prayin' for a particular Someone, to, as Common so eloquently put it, recognize sunshine...that sunshine being me! my girlfriends and i have a saying: 'you shouldn't have to convince or convict ANY man to want to be with you." that, right there, is the Gospel Truth, and i have always made sure to remind my gfs of that when we've been analyzing/over-analyzing the men in our lives and our relationships (or the lack thereof) with them.
i've been in a number of relationships in my short life, but there always seemed to be something missing. the ease, the connection, the kindness, the mutual admiration and respect, the shared values, the "fit"--something was always juuust a little off. with Someone though, i always felt like it was a complete package, the proverbial aha! moment--this, my dear, is what it's supposed to feel like/sound like/look like. and, so i latched onto that, hoping against hope....even when it was loudly and abundantly clear that the lightbulb was going off in my head...but wasn't making an electrical connection in his.
and even tho i know and preach the Gospel Truth, i wasn't quite living up to it. i found myself questioning him and myself with the "but whys?" i found myself feeling like something was wrong with me, and internalizing that, and getting increasingly frustrated by feeling this way about Someone....because it wasn't mutual....and it felt like rejection in the worst way.
and, so, yesterday, i made the decision to let it go. to look at it for what it IS and not what i WANT it to be. to recognize myself as sunshine...and to stop the subconscious song-and-dance, jumping up and down, waving my hands, saying "pick me, pick me!!" nah, homie, i'm not going to do that anymore. why?
because i DO shine.
and the next time i'm feeling a little "thirsty " (both literally and figuratively) after basking in the warmth of my me-ness...
i'll go have a tall glass of water...
and put that phone down.
i've been in a number of relationships in my short life, but there always seemed to be something missing. the ease, the connection, the kindness, the mutual admiration and respect, the shared values, the "fit"--something was always juuust a little off. with Someone though, i always felt like it was a complete package, the proverbial aha! moment--this, my dear, is what it's supposed to feel like/sound like/look like. and, so i latched onto that, hoping against hope....even when it was loudly and abundantly clear that the lightbulb was going off in my head...but wasn't making an electrical connection in his.
and even tho i know and preach the Gospel Truth, i wasn't quite living up to it. i found myself questioning him and myself with the "but whys?" i found myself feeling like something was wrong with me, and internalizing that, and getting increasingly frustrated by feeling this way about Someone....because it wasn't mutual....and it felt like rejection in the worst way.
and, so, yesterday, i made the decision to let it go. to look at it for what it IS and not what i WANT it to be. to recognize myself as sunshine...and to stop the subconscious song-and-dance, jumping up and down, waving my hands, saying "pick me, pick me!!" nah, homie, i'm not going to do that anymore. why?
because i DO shine.
and the next time i'm feeling a little "thirsty " (both literally and figuratively) after basking in the warmth of my me-ness...
i'll go have a tall glass of water...
and put that phone down.
great expectations
i am probably the only person under the age of 40 who can remember Jermaine Jackson's one-hit "don't take it personal." how i became a Jermaine Jackson fan i will never know, but i am [almost] ashamed to admit that i actually owned the tape--yes, the TAPE--of his album. and "don't take it personal" was my favorite jam. if you don't believe me, look it up on YouTube.
years later, my best friend recommended a book to me called The Four Agreements (which, btw, i recommend as well!). one of the Four Agreements is "don't take anything personally." simply put, the author's argument is that 99.99% of what people do to/towards you has nothing to do WITH you, and is instead borne out of their own realities/life experiences etc. ppl are, for the most part, inherently good, and not out to be purposely malicious/hurtful.
i've tried to remember that Agreement many more times than i can count, as i am a person that takes pretty much EVERYTHING personally. as i've mentioned in previous blog postings, i am uber (i love that word!)-sensitive, almost to a fault, and tend to internalize most things, both good and bad. i'm getting better at it, but i still struggle with it, and it reared its not-so-cute head day before yesterday.
so, last Thursday was my bday and as i mentioned in that post, i don't normally do much of anything for my bday...atleast i haven't for the past few years. via prompting from a friend, i decided to do dinner, and invited a group of ppl. because i was so indecisive about where i wanted to go, i gave a little less than a week's notice on the invites, so i didn't expect the greatest turnout, but was still holding out hope.
long story short, out of approximately 10 invitees (not including me), there only ended up being 3 of us (including myself) at the restaurant. we had a great time, and i am absolutely grateful that those 2 friends were there with me...but, i still walked away feeling slightly disappointed. the spoiled parts of me felt that some of the others who didn't attend should've rearranged their schedules to come celebrate with me--after all, it was my birthday...and...*arms crossed*..i would've done the same for them.
so, as it festered in my mind yesterday, it started bugging me and making me feel weird and personally slighted. i started thinking back on all of the times when i've planned events and the turnout has been low and ppl who committed have flaked out at the last minute [hence why i don't do events anymore]. i started comparing my own sacrifices and commitment to attending their milestones/events. and it made me upset.
and then i thought about this whole idea of expectation/validation...about how sometimes I (we) expect ppl to do things the same way that we do them. we expect them to feel/operate in the same way that we do, just bc we're friends. and, how that is unfair. it's unfair to take things personally that most likely have nothing to do with you as a person. it's unfair to place expectations on ppl, many times without their knowledge. it's unfair to look at a person's commitment...or the lack thereof...as an absolute validation/invalidation of how they feel about you.
and, so i made the decision to feel "a way" about Sunday....give myself the right to have the emotion....to plow thru it...and then to move on. i think my tendency to take things personally will probably always bubble below the surface, itching for a trigger to set it off--my soft heart won't allow it to completely go away. but, i'm learning how to face it head-on when i feel it coming on, and to conquer it.
i'll get over it :)
years later, my best friend recommended a book to me called The Four Agreements (which, btw, i recommend as well!). one of the Four Agreements is "don't take anything personally." simply put, the author's argument is that 99.99% of what people do to/towards you has nothing to do WITH you, and is instead borne out of their own realities/life experiences etc. ppl are, for the most part, inherently good, and not out to be purposely malicious/hurtful.
i've tried to remember that Agreement many more times than i can count, as i am a person that takes pretty much EVERYTHING personally. as i've mentioned in previous blog postings, i am uber (i love that word!)-sensitive, almost to a fault, and tend to internalize most things, both good and bad. i'm getting better at it, but i still struggle with it, and it reared its not-so-cute head day before yesterday.
so, last Thursday was my bday and as i mentioned in that post, i don't normally do much of anything for my bday...atleast i haven't for the past few years. via prompting from a friend, i decided to do dinner, and invited a group of ppl. because i was so indecisive about where i wanted to go, i gave a little less than a week's notice on the invites, so i didn't expect the greatest turnout, but was still holding out hope.
long story short, out of approximately 10 invitees (not including me), there only ended up being 3 of us (including myself) at the restaurant. we had a great time, and i am absolutely grateful that those 2 friends were there with me...but, i still walked away feeling slightly disappointed. the spoiled parts of me felt that some of the others who didn't attend should've rearranged their schedules to come celebrate with me--after all, it was my birthday...and...*arms crossed*..i would've done the same for them.
so, as it festered in my mind yesterday, it started bugging me and making me feel weird and personally slighted. i started thinking back on all of the times when i've planned events and the turnout has been low and ppl who committed have flaked out at the last minute [hence why i don't do events anymore]. i started comparing my own sacrifices and commitment to attending their milestones/events. and it made me upset.
and then i thought about this whole idea of expectation/validation...about how sometimes I (we) expect ppl to do things the same way that we do them. we expect them to feel/operate in the same way that we do, just bc we're friends. and, how that is unfair. it's unfair to take things personally that most likely have nothing to do with you as a person. it's unfair to place expectations on ppl, many times without their knowledge. it's unfair to look at a person's commitment...or the lack thereof...as an absolute validation/invalidation of how they feel about you.
and, so i made the decision to feel "a way" about Sunday....give myself the right to have the emotion....to plow thru it...and then to move on. i think my tendency to take things personally will probably always bubble below the surface, itching for a trigger to set it off--my soft heart won't allow it to completely go away. but, i'm learning how to face it head-on when i feel it coming on, and to conquer it.
i'll get over it :)
Sunday, September 7, 2008
these three words
2 years and 9 months ago this evening, i found out that i was going to be a mother. that moment is etched in my memory as if it happened yesterday, and i was reminded of it this morning at church, on my baby's 2nd birthday.
Pastor spoke about looking back and appreciating those who've come before us, whose backs we've stood on in order to be where we are today. at one point in the service, he told everyone to stand up and take 3 seconds to call out the name of someone who has in some way helped to pave the path to get us to our present state, a person whose words of encouragement and whose prayers had sustained us...as i reflected, i thought of three simple words that had been spoken to me 2 years and 9 months ago:
"keep. your. baby."
and, i thought of the person who said them to me--my best friend of 8 years, my sister-of-the-heart, PC's godmother, JM-D.
on the day that the stick turned blue and my life changed forever, JM-D was there. she was there at 10:30pm at Walgreen's when they called someone over the loudspeaker to unlock the cabinet that held the pregnancy tests (i was so embarassed, i could've just melted into the floor!) she was there at my house as i closed my eyes and held out the freshly peed-on stick to her bc i was too scared to read the results. she was there when i sat on the couch and i had my emotional breakdown at the results.
and she was the very voice of God, His messenger, that let me have my moment, and then sat on my couch, looked me straight in my eye, and said:
"keep. your. baby."
JM-D shielded me from the angry and mean-spirited words of my ex-boyfriend/PC's biological father throughout the pregnancy. she stood in the gap for me, keeping him informed about a pregnancy that he wanted nothing to do with, so that there would never be a question about lack of reachout towards him by me. she insulated me from his insults. she prayed with and for me, cried with and for me. she enc0uraged me when i felt like i couldn't/didn't want to go on. she assured me when i felt less-than-sure of myself and my abilities to do this thing called [single] motherhood. when many around me were telling me that i was making a big mistake by going thru with a pregnancy under less-than-ideal circumstances, JM-D's words resonated in my mind and in my heart:
"keep. your. baby."
and, i did.
and it was the most important and the BEST decision i have ever made in my life.
being PC's mother is an experience that i can hardly put into words. she makes the mundane tasks of caring for a person who cannot care for themselves a JOY, not a chore. she challenges me daily to die to myself and put someone else's needs before mine. she is the essence of unconditional love, and has taught me what it means to love unconditionally. she is my little unexpected blessing, and proof that what God told me was true--i would be rewarded for my obedience to Him.
ppl--so called Christians--have tried to tell me that my child is less-than-a-blessing because of the circumstances in which she was conceived. they've said that a child born out of wedlock can't be a blessing and nothing good can come out of it. that any anointing or purpose that God had for my life (including marriage) has been cancelled out due to this Scarlet Letter known as single parenthood. it's as if God's grace doesn't extend far enough to cover and correct, even when we step slightly off straight-and-narrow way, in these people's minds.
the devil is a liar.
PC saved my life. the testimony that has been built out of all i've been thru during the past 2+ years has cemented my understanding of the purpose & path that He has for me. her very existence has drawn amazing ppl into my life, including other single moms that have gone before me, and reached back to give me a helping hand, a kind word, a shoulder to lean on, and arms to hold me when i need to cry. she's taught me what it truly means to love...and be loved.
so, i am especially grateful for her today as she turns 2 years old and i mourn the passing of the Baby Days. i am grateful for the good days, for the not-so-good days, for the lessons taught, and the lessons learned.
i am grateful for JM-D, and for ALL of the ppl, especially the other moms (you know who you are) who have been a part of the village that have kept us going. i am grateful for your friendship, your prayers, your loving care of PC, your advice, your constructive feedback, and your grace.
and i am most grateful for the three words that have carried me thus far.
He meant it for my good.
Pastor spoke about looking back and appreciating those who've come before us, whose backs we've stood on in order to be where we are today. at one point in the service, he told everyone to stand up and take 3 seconds to call out the name of someone who has in some way helped to pave the path to get us to our present state, a person whose words of encouragement and whose prayers had sustained us...as i reflected, i thought of three simple words that had been spoken to me 2 years and 9 months ago:
"keep. your. baby."
and, i thought of the person who said them to me--my best friend of 8 years, my sister-of-the-heart, PC's godmother, JM-D.
on the day that the stick turned blue and my life changed forever, JM-D was there. she was there at 10:30pm at Walgreen's when they called someone over the loudspeaker to unlock the cabinet that held the pregnancy tests (i was so embarassed, i could've just melted into the floor!) she was there at my house as i closed my eyes and held out the freshly peed-on stick to her bc i was too scared to read the results. she was there when i sat on the couch and i had my emotional breakdown at the results.
and she was the very voice of God, His messenger, that let me have my moment, and then sat on my couch, looked me straight in my eye, and said:
"keep. your. baby."
JM-D shielded me from the angry and mean-spirited words of my ex-boyfriend/PC's biological father throughout the pregnancy. she stood in the gap for me, keeping him informed about a pregnancy that he wanted nothing to do with, so that there would never be a question about lack of reachout towards him by me. she insulated me from his insults. she prayed with and for me, cried with and for me. she enc0uraged me when i felt like i couldn't/didn't want to go on. she assured me when i felt less-than-sure of myself and my abilities to do this thing called [single] motherhood. when many around me were telling me that i was making a big mistake by going thru with a pregnancy under less-than-ideal circumstances, JM-D's words resonated in my mind and in my heart:
"keep. your. baby."
and, i did.
and it was the most important and the BEST decision i have ever made in my life.
being PC's mother is an experience that i can hardly put into words. she makes the mundane tasks of caring for a person who cannot care for themselves a JOY, not a chore. she challenges me daily to die to myself and put someone else's needs before mine. she is the essence of unconditional love, and has taught me what it means to love unconditionally. she is my little unexpected blessing, and proof that what God told me was true--i would be rewarded for my obedience to Him.
ppl--so called Christians--have tried to tell me that my child is less-than-a-blessing because of the circumstances in which she was conceived. they've said that a child born out of wedlock can't be a blessing and nothing good can come out of it. that any anointing or purpose that God had for my life (including marriage) has been cancelled out due to this Scarlet Letter known as single parenthood. it's as if God's grace doesn't extend far enough to cover and correct, even when we step slightly off straight-and-narrow way, in these people's minds.
the devil is a liar.
PC saved my life. the testimony that has been built out of all i've been thru during the past 2+ years has cemented my understanding of the purpose & path that He has for me. her very existence has drawn amazing ppl into my life, including other single moms that have gone before me, and reached back to give me a helping hand, a kind word, a shoulder to lean on, and arms to hold me when i need to cry. she's taught me what it truly means to love...and be loved.
so, i am especially grateful for her today as she turns 2 years old and i mourn the passing of the Baby Days. i am grateful for the good days, for the not-so-good days, for the lessons taught, and the lessons learned.
i am grateful for JM-D, and for ALL of the ppl, especially the other moms (you know who you are) who have been a part of the village that have kept us going. i am grateful for your friendship, your prayers, your loving care of PC, your advice, your constructive feedback, and your grace.
and i am most grateful for the three words that have carried me thus far.
He meant it for my good.
Saturday, September 6, 2008
it's not 'goodbye', it's 'see you later'
today was PC's birthday party....my Mini-Me, flesh-of-my-flesh, heart-of-my-heart, is TWO years old!! i can hardly believe it myself sometimes when i think about how the time has flown by.....
when the party ended, PC got extremely upset and burst into a tear-filled emotional episode. she didn't want the party to be over, and she most certainly didn't want to say goodbye to her friends who had come to play. she's been having a lot of trouble with goodbyes lately--i'm not sure if it's the separation anxiety issue or what.... but she absolutely hates to leave when we're visiting people, and when people come to visit us, she doesn't want them to leave either.
i was recapping the party with a friend tonite and describing to him what had happened. we talked about how there is always little bit of sadness with every goodbye, whether a person is just leaving your life temporarily (saying goodbye at the end of a visit), or more permanently (breakup, death, etc.).
it got me to thinking about an aspect of my personality that i've grown to embrace, but am also a little shy about. i absolutely HATE goodbyes. it doesn't matter the context, but generally speaking, goodbyes are very emotional for me. i have vivid memories of my childhood and how i first became aware of this fact about myself. my cousin and i are 9 years apart and for a large chunk of my early childhood years, we grew up together. he was/is like an older brother to me, and i simultaneously idolized him AND got on his last nerve, lol. when he moved to CA when he was 16 to live with his mom, i was devastated. after that point, we would only see each other every couple of years, and everytime he would get on the plane to go back out west, i would just fall apart. as i got older, it subsided, but even now, i still get a little misty-eyed when he leaves after a holiday visit.
this reaction has also manifest itself, interestingly enough, when i've left jobs. i've always been ready to go when i've moved onto a new position, but on that last day, as i've said goodbye to my coworkers, i've inevitably broken down too. now, in this case, these aren't individuals who i'm necessarily emotionally attached to....yet, i grieve the same way.
i've often wondered why i take goodbyes so hard...and, on that same token, why it is often so hard for me to say goodbye--when i know i should. i think that i have an issue with finality. when you say goodbye, it inherently implies finality. we say goodbye at funerals--death is final, atleast in terms of our earthly existence. we say goodbye at the end of a relationship--realistically, it is not often that the breakups turn into "makeups," so it's pretty final. we say goodbye at the end of a phone call--the conversation is over...atleast for now. i don't like finality...i don't like to think/know that something is "dead," even when i know that it should be. i think...no, i KNOW, that is why i've stayed in some situations wayyyy too long when goodbye should've been the most obvious course of action. goodbye makes me feel like i'm giving up...giving in...and i'm too stubborn for that, even when i know it isn't good for me. i feel more comfortable allowing the other person to say goodbye first...but it doesn't hurt any less.
so, the question is--is "goodbye" really permanent...or should we replace it with "see you later?" each day, our life is full of goodbyes--we drop our children off at school, many times not even questioning the fact that we'll see them again in a few hours. we say goodbye to our spouses when we leave for work. we say goodbye at the end of conference calls and business meetings. we never think twice about saying "goodbye" in the mundane of our everyday life, but will instead consistently say "see you later" to people/places/things that, in all honestly, need to have finality attached to them.
in PC's simple act this afternoon as she watched her friends depart, it reminded me of those in life who deserve the "see-you-laters": loving family and friends who have your best interest at heart, who are sacrificial, loving, patient, and kind. those who will celebrate with you, mourn with you, whose joys are your joys and whose sorrows are your sorrows. the "see-you-laters" should be reserved for places that bring you peace: your home, your place of worship, your neighborhood park, the home of a close family member..... the "see-you-laters" should be reserved for the things that add to your peace: laughter, humility, surprises, understanding, contentment.
and we should seek to not be afraid of saying goodbye to anything or anyone who is the antithesis of what see-you-later is meant to be.
hasta luego.
when the party ended, PC got extremely upset and burst into a tear-filled emotional episode. she didn't want the party to be over, and she most certainly didn't want to say goodbye to her friends who had come to play. she's been having a lot of trouble with goodbyes lately--i'm not sure if it's the separation anxiety issue or what.... but she absolutely hates to leave when we're visiting people, and when people come to visit us, she doesn't want them to leave either.
i was recapping the party with a friend tonite and describing to him what had happened. we talked about how there is always little bit of sadness with every goodbye, whether a person is just leaving your life temporarily (saying goodbye at the end of a visit), or more permanently (breakup, death, etc.).
it got me to thinking about an aspect of my personality that i've grown to embrace, but am also a little shy about. i absolutely HATE goodbyes. it doesn't matter the context, but generally speaking, goodbyes are very emotional for me. i have vivid memories of my childhood and how i first became aware of this fact about myself. my cousin and i are 9 years apart and for a large chunk of my early childhood years, we grew up together. he was/is like an older brother to me, and i simultaneously idolized him AND got on his last nerve, lol. when he moved to CA when he was 16 to live with his mom, i was devastated. after that point, we would only see each other every couple of years, and everytime he would get on the plane to go back out west, i would just fall apart. as i got older, it subsided, but even now, i still get a little misty-eyed when he leaves after a holiday visit.
this reaction has also manifest itself, interestingly enough, when i've left jobs. i've always been ready to go when i've moved onto a new position, but on that last day, as i've said goodbye to my coworkers, i've inevitably broken down too. now, in this case, these aren't individuals who i'm necessarily emotionally attached to....yet, i grieve the same way.
i've often wondered why i take goodbyes so hard...and, on that same token, why it is often so hard for me to say goodbye--when i know i should. i think that i have an issue with finality. when you say goodbye, it inherently implies finality. we say goodbye at funerals--death is final, atleast in terms of our earthly existence. we say goodbye at the end of a relationship--realistically, it is not often that the breakups turn into "makeups," so it's pretty final. we say goodbye at the end of a phone call--the conversation is over...atleast for now. i don't like finality...i don't like to think/know that something is "dead," even when i know that it should be. i think...no, i KNOW, that is why i've stayed in some situations wayyyy too long when goodbye should've been the most obvious course of action. goodbye makes me feel like i'm giving up...giving in...and i'm too stubborn for that, even when i know it isn't good for me. i feel more comfortable allowing the other person to say goodbye first...but it doesn't hurt any less.
so, the question is--is "goodbye" really permanent...or should we replace it with "see you later?" each day, our life is full of goodbyes--we drop our children off at school, many times not even questioning the fact that we'll see them again in a few hours. we say goodbye to our spouses when we leave for work. we say goodbye at the end of conference calls and business meetings. we never think twice about saying "goodbye" in the mundane of our everyday life, but will instead consistently say "see you later" to people/places/things that, in all honestly, need to have finality attached to them.
in PC's simple act this afternoon as she watched her friends depart, it reminded me of those in life who deserve the "see-you-laters": loving family and friends who have your best interest at heart, who are sacrificial, loving, patient, and kind. those who will celebrate with you, mourn with you, whose joys are your joys and whose sorrows are your sorrows. the "see-you-laters" should be reserved for places that bring you peace: your home, your place of worship, your neighborhood park, the home of a close family member..... the "see-you-laters" should be reserved for the things that add to your peace: laughter, humility, surprises, understanding, contentment.
and we should seek to not be afraid of saying goodbye to anything or anyone who is the antithesis of what see-you-later is meant to be.
hasta luego.
Thursday, September 4, 2008
spaceships don't come equipped w/ rearview mirrors
today is a national holiday. no, really. i KNOW you had to go to work and i KNOW both the Post Office and banks were open. but today was a very, very special day.
it was my birthday. i turned the big 2-8 today!
leading up to this day, everyone was asking me--what are you gonna do for your birthday? are you excited? how are you gonna celebrate? i didn't have much of an answer for them because for the last few years, my birthday has, by me, just been looked at as another day. don't get me wrong--i believe that birthdays are a big deal, and i try to make a big deal of other people's...but no one's ever made that much of a big deal of mine, besides maybe sending a card or a text. now, don't get me wrong--phone calls, cards and texts aren't meaningless--they are actually very thoughtful gestures. but, i've never experienced the [surprise] party or being whisked away on some romantic getaway, etc etc. you get my drift. and, when PC was born almost 2 years ago, she decided to make her debut 3 days after my bday, so now she is in her rightful place, stealing my shine :)
so, what DID i do for my bday?? well, to be honest with you, i woke up this morning feeling kinda blah. i've been under some considerable stress lately (which i've addressed in some of my posts), and it hasn't completely dissipated yet. between the hustle-and-bustle of my morning routine--getting PC ready/dropping her off, fighting rain and traffic on my way to my first client appointment, etc, i didn't think about it too much. 2 of my friends IM'ed me bright and early this morning--before the sun even came up--to tell me happy birthday, and that made me smile. but, what really got me was an email that my favorite cousin sent me, that brought me to tears in the parking lot of my first meeting.
she sent me a happy birthday email and told me that the verse that was on her heart for me today was a familiar one, Jeremiah 29: 11-13:
"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."
He isn't done with me yet...and i am still here. and i should be anything but blah, because everyday that i wake up and every year that passes, is another testimony to His divine purpose and plan for my life.
this past weekend, i thought about another 28 year old who left this world far too soon. her name was Nailah Franklin and she was 28 when she died last year. the anniversary of her disappearance and death is coming up very soon, and i know that myself and many of my girlfriends--none of whom knew her personally--grieved then, and still grieve for her.
.....she was 28 too.
and, so, i embrace this day, as it draws to a close, and i reflect. i reflect on the last 365 days of my life--the experiences, the people met along the way, the lessons learned, the triumphs, the tragedies. i think about my plans...and how God has intervened and made HIS plans play out perfectly in my life in amazing and unexpected ways! i think about being stronger, wiser, better, kinder, more patient, gentler, more forgiving, more courageous, more understanding, more compassionate--more of soooooo many things that i am proud of...and less of many things that i'm not so proud of.
and i look forward, seeking Him--His way, His thoughts, His timing, His will, His heart. i chase Him, to learn why He loves me so in spite of me, why He sends me on these "assignments," both spiritual and secular, why He says "No" and "Not right now"...why He has chosen me for such a time as this.
and i am grateful....looking in that rearview mirror for a final time, pulling back the throttle, and propelling myself forward into the next 365 days....
i gotta remember to fasten my spiritual seatbelt because it is sure to be a sometimes-turbulent ride.
i've been cleared for takeoff--thank you, Lord for another year, another day, another chance.
happy birthday to me :)
it was my birthday. i turned the big 2-8 today!
leading up to this day, everyone was asking me--what are you gonna do for your birthday? are you excited? how are you gonna celebrate? i didn't have much of an answer for them because for the last few years, my birthday has, by me, just been looked at as another day. don't get me wrong--i believe that birthdays are a big deal, and i try to make a big deal of other people's...but no one's ever made that much of a big deal of mine, besides maybe sending a card or a text. now, don't get me wrong--phone calls, cards and texts aren't meaningless--they are actually very thoughtful gestures. but, i've never experienced the [surprise] party or being whisked away on some romantic getaway, etc etc. you get my drift. and, when PC was born almost 2 years ago, she decided to make her debut 3 days after my bday, so now she is in her rightful place, stealing my shine :)
so, what DID i do for my bday?? well, to be honest with you, i woke up this morning feeling kinda blah. i've been under some considerable stress lately (which i've addressed in some of my posts), and it hasn't completely dissipated yet. between the hustle-and-bustle of my morning routine--getting PC ready/dropping her off, fighting rain and traffic on my way to my first client appointment, etc, i didn't think about it too much. 2 of my friends IM'ed me bright and early this morning--before the sun even came up--to tell me happy birthday, and that made me smile. but, what really got me was an email that my favorite cousin sent me, that brought me to tears in the parking lot of my first meeting.
she sent me a happy birthday email and told me that the verse that was on her heart for me today was a familiar one, Jeremiah 29: 11-13:
"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."
He isn't done with me yet...and i am still here. and i should be anything but blah, because everyday that i wake up and every year that passes, is another testimony to His divine purpose and plan for my life.
this past weekend, i thought about another 28 year old who left this world far too soon. her name was Nailah Franklin and she was 28 when she died last year. the anniversary of her disappearance and death is coming up very soon, and i know that myself and many of my girlfriends--none of whom knew her personally--grieved then, and still grieve for her.
.....she was 28 too.
and, so, i embrace this day, as it draws to a close, and i reflect. i reflect on the last 365 days of my life--the experiences, the people met along the way, the lessons learned, the triumphs, the tragedies. i think about my plans...and how God has intervened and made HIS plans play out perfectly in my life in amazing and unexpected ways! i think about being stronger, wiser, better, kinder, more patient, gentler, more forgiving, more courageous, more understanding, more compassionate--more of soooooo many things that i am proud of...and less of many things that i'm not so proud of.
and i look forward, seeking Him--His way, His thoughts, His timing, His will, His heart. i chase Him, to learn why He loves me so in spite of me, why He sends me on these "assignments," both spiritual and secular, why He says "No" and "Not right now"...why He has chosen me for such a time as this.
and i am grateful....looking in that rearview mirror for a final time, pulling back the throttle, and propelling myself forward into the next 365 days....
i gotta remember to fasten my spiritual seatbelt because it is sure to be a sometimes-turbulent ride.
i've been cleared for takeoff--thank you, Lord for another year, another day, another chance.
happy birthday to me :)
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
the definition of insanity
i have this pet peeve--i hate hate hate when ppl call other ppl "crazy." i especially hate it when guys use that term to describe women, like, "that chick was CRAZY because she_____." throw your tomatoes if you want, but male-defined "crazy behavior" as exhibited by a woman in love/like/lust is usually precipitated by said male acting a fool. hey hey hey--don't shoot the messenger....i'm not hating, i'm just saying, lol.
i digress.
back to crazy. sooooo, i hate that word but i found myself using it as an adjective this past weekend to describe someone/their behavior to my friends. i won't waste precious blog-time rehashing the gory details, but even for me, Ms. Don't-Call-Ppl-Crazy, this one took the cake. but, i still felt [slightly] convicted about it, so i'm gonna do my best to come up with another word for, well, crazy behavior.
again, i digress.
this whole issue with crazy got me to thinking about the definition of insanity. i'm sure you've heard it & lived it: doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. pretty simple concept, right? so why then is it so dang hard to stop the cycle?
i've come to the conclusion that i am insane..or, better yet, per the b*tch tendencies blog, i am a woman living with insanity. i have some bad habits, and i do some of the same things over and over expecting a different result and all i get are...the same dang-on results.
one of those things is procrastination. PC's first day of school is tomorrow..we have quite a long commute to the new digs, so i will be up at the crack of dawn to prepare myself, and her. it's 11pm and i should be asleep, but what i am doing? blogging, for one (which doesn't count, lol), and washing clothes. yes, i am waiting on the dryer to do its thing so she can have a nice, crisp uniform to wear in the morning. now, what's so bad about washing clothes at 11pm? nothing, except, i KNOW better. the first day didn't just magically appear on my calendar and the clothes didn't just decide to need washing. yet, even tho i had some other diversions/distractions, there was some level of procrastination on my part which serves as the inspiration for this late-night treastise.
and, again i say, i know better.
i claim to live my life by the carpe diem rule. i hate to see any minute of any day wasted, and it is extremely hard for me to sit still for more than a couple of hours at a time...or so it seems my issue with time management/procrastination knocked me over the head this past summer on an otherwise ordinary day. me and a homie were going back and forth all day about whether to attend a picnic. i really wasn't enthused about going and neither was she, but at 6:30pm (after the picnic had been going on since NOON), we decided to change clothes and go. needless to say, we didn't leave until after 9, and i still had a 40 minute ride back home....ANNND...i was leaving town the next day for a business trip and still. hadnt. packed. i told myself--i need to blog about this--before there was a blog! it was in that moment i realized how valuable one addl hour in the day would be, especially for occassional-time-wasters like me.
my to-do list of errands/phone calls/emails seems neverending and i tend to put them off until the absolute last minute--not because i don't necessarily have the time now, but because i think i'll have the time later...and, i'd rather do anything but deal with that to-do list right now. wrong answer!!
i've got to do better.
as my eyes get heavier, and i watch the clock, waiting for the minutes to tick by for the clothes to get finished, i dread the alarm that will go off in about 6 and a half hours. i know how tired i'm gonna be, and i have a full day of work and to-dos to complete tomorrow once PC is safely ensconced in school.
i have no one to blame but myself.
it's my own crazy fault :)
seize the day.
i digress.
back to crazy. sooooo, i hate that word but i found myself using it as an adjective this past weekend to describe someone/their behavior to my friends. i won't waste precious blog-time rehashing the gory details, but even for me, Ms. Don't-Call-Ppl-Crazy, this one took the cake. but, i still felt [slightly] convicted about it, so i'm gonna do my best to come up with another word for, well, crazy behavior.
again, i digress.
this whole issue with crazy got me to thinking about the definition of insanity. i'm sure you've heard it & lived it: doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. pretty simple concept, right? so why then is it so dang hard to stop the cycle?
i've come to the conclusion that i am insane..or, better yet, per the b*tch tendencies blog, i am a woman living with insanity. i have some bad habits, and i do some of the same things over and over expecting a different result and all i get are...the same dang-on results.
one of those things is procrastination. PC's first day of school is tomorrow..we have quite a long commute to the new digs, so i will be up at the crack of dawn to prepare myself, and her. it's 11pm and i should be asleep, but what i am doing? blogging, for one (which doesn't count, lol), and washing clothes. yes, i am waiting on the dryer to do its thing so she can have a nice, crisp uniform to wear in the morning. now, what's so bad about washing clothes at 11pm? nothing, except, i KNOW better. the first day didn't just magically appear on my calendar and the clothes didn't just decide to need washing. yet, even tho i had some other diversions/distractions, there was some level of procrastination on my part which serves as the inspiration for this late-night treastise.
and, again i say, i know better.
i claim to live my life by the carpe diem rule. i hate to see any minute of any day wasted, and it is extremely hard for me to sit still for more than a couple of hours at a time...or so it seems my issue with time management/procrastination knocked me over the head this past summer on an otherwise ordinary day. me and a homie were going back and forth all day about whether to attend a picnic. i really wasn't enthused about going and neither was she, but at 6:30pm (after the picnic had been going on since NOON), we decided to change clothes and go. needless to say, we didn't leave until after 9, and i still had a 40 minute ride back home....ANNND...i was leaving town the next day for a business trip and still. hadnt. packed. i told myself--i need to blog about this--before there was a blog! it was in that moment i realized how valuable one addl hour in the day would be, especially for occassional-time-wasters like me.
my to-do list of errands/phone calls/emails seems neverending and i tend to put them off until the absolute last minute--not because i don't necessarily have the time now, but because i think i'll have the time later...and, i'd rather do anything but deal with that to-do list right now. wrong answer!!
i've got to do better.
as my eyes get heavier, and i watch the clock, waiting for the minutes to tick by for the clothes to get finished, i dread the alarm that will go off in about 6 and a half hours. i know how tired i'm gonna be, and i have a full day of work and to-dos to complete tomorrow once PC is safely ensconced in school.
i have no one to blame but myself.
it's my own crazy fault :)
seize the day.
Monday, September 1, 2008
collateral damage
i've had a particularly challenging last few days with Precious Cargo. she will be 2 years old in less than a week and is smack-dab in the throes of the Tumultuous Twos. between the whining, the tantrums, the fierce defiance mixed with unrelenting clingyness, it's enough to make any (halfway) sane person go mad! today was the plateau and i literally felt my brain and my patience coming apart at the seams.
and then she smiled at me with her goofy, giggly grin and i thought, "this too shall pass."
as i've alluded to on some of my blogs, these last few weeks have been quite a challenge for me. i just started a new job, working from home, which is a complete departure from anything i've done in my career thus far. i just got PC back from 6 weeks of spoiled bliss with her grandparents, and she is completely off her routine until school starts this Wednesday. i've made some major decisions about taking care of some personal issues and have been coming to terms with that. all in all, i've just been in the midst of a big ball of confusion known as Transition and i havent been adjusting well at all.
as i've been "adjusting," (or not) the work laptop has been constantly open while i'm on and off the phone with my manager-in-another-state, Tech Support, etc. the Blackberry has been constantly ringing as i field calls from coworkers and friends. DHL is at my door daily with deliveries of office supplies (but still no dang-on office furniture!)
and, the constant in the background has been little PC, prying my hands off the laptop or the BB, climbing into my lap and trying to type along with me, pressing the speakerphone button so she too can talk to Tech Support...and ocassionally having a meltdown at the most inopportune time to show me once again who's REALLY boss in the W Household, lol.
all she wants is her Mommy's attention, and yet i am pulled in so many other directions just simply trying to provide for her. she doesn't understand conference calls, deadlines, appointments, out of town travel, and all day meetings. she just wants Mommy to read her the Elmo counting book for the 1000th time.
so i wonder about how i am shaping her reality, even at this young age. i wonder if she feels disconnected from me or that i don't pay her enough attention. i know that she can not yet understand the sacrifice that it takes to be a mother, and the mountain that being a single mother is, but i wonder if 5 or 10 years from now if she'll somehow be scarred because of all of the shuffling and shifting that i had do just to get us in a space where i could give her the best life possible--even if that meant 6 weeks with her grandparents while i traveled for training classes, or being on conference calls when she wanted to watch Sesame Street.
this little person wants nothing more than to laugh (and make me laugh), to give me kisses and hugs and to squeeze my nose so that i can honk like a duck.
and yet, there aren't enough hours in the day, days in the week, weeks in a month, for me to do all that i want to do for her....
i have to wonder--what will the collateral damage be of my "grind?"
and then she smiled at me with her goofy, giggly grin and i thought, "this too shall pass."
as i've alluded to on some of my blogs, these last few weeks have been quite a challenge for me. i just started a new job, working from home, which is a complete departure from anything i've done in my career thus far. i just got PC back from 6 weeks of spoiled bliss with her grandparents, and she is completely off her routine until school starts this Wednesday. i've made some major decisions about taking care of some personal issues and have been coming to terms with that. all in all, i've just been in the midst of a big ball of confusion known as Transition and i havent been adjusting well at all.
as i've been "adjusting," (or not) the work laptop has been constantly open while i'm on and off the phone with my manager-in-another-state, Tech Support, etc. the Blackberry has been constantly ringing as i field calls from coworkers and friends. DHL is at my door daily with deliveries of office supplies (but still no dang-on office furniture!)
and, the constant in the background has been little PC, prying my hands off the laptop or the BB, climbing into my lap and trying to type along with me, pressing the speakerphone button so she too can talk to Tech Support...and ocassionally having a meltdown at the most inopportune time to show me once again who's REALLY boss in the W Household, lol.
all she wants is her Mommy's attention, and yet i am pulled in so many other directions just simply trying to provide for her. she doesn't understand conference calls, deadlines, appointments, out of town travel, and all day meetings. she just wants Mommy to read her the Elmo counting book for the 1000th time.
so i wonder about how i am shaping her reality, even at this young age. i wonder if she feels disconnected from me or that i don't pay her enough attention. i know that she can not yet understand the sacrifice that it takes to be a mother, and the mountain that being a single mother is, but i wonder if 5 or 10 years from now if she'll somehow be scarred because of all of the shuffling and shifting that i had do just to get us in a space where i could give her the best life possible--even if that meant 6 weeks with her grandparents while i traveled for training classes, or being on conference calls when she wanted to watch Sesame Street.
this little person wants nothing more than to laugh (and make me laugh), to give me kisses and hugs and to squeeze my nose so that i can honk like a duck.
and yet, there aren't enough hours in the day, days in the week, weeks in a month, for me to do all that i want to do for her....
i have to wonder--what will the collateral damage be of my "grind?"
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