i'll be that.....

i've been called a lot of things in this life--some good, some bad....but in the past week, i've been called two names that i think i will take with me on this new journey and treasure forever:

courageous

and....(brace yourself, lol)

ballsy (i know, i know).

as i was sharing with two friends of mine my plans for this next phase (while also venting about some of my frustrations) they reminded me that what i have decided to do makes me prime candidate to have those two adjectives placed in front of my name. again, simple words but very heavy meaning...and quite edifying, if i might add.

this has been one of those 'blessed assurance' weeks, very busy, at times stressful, but a gentle (and sometimes not-so-gentle) reminder, that i am exactly where i am supposed to be. as many of you reading this may know, i have begun a full-court-press exploration into pursuing full-time graduate studies in January of next year. this desire was not entirely borne out of my job loss as this has been the tug on my spirit for almost 5 years. however, i feel that i am divinely positioned now to be in the frame of mind/heart/spirit to actually DO it.

for many reasons over the last 5 years i said 'no'--i was working full-time, dealing with very demanding positions, i had an infant daughter, i was too busy/old/[insert descriptive word here]. i had a myriad of excuses for doing everything else for everyone else...and not answering the call that was tugging deep within me. as my life has shifted 180 degrees in the last 2 weeks, i can no longer allow my hopes/dreams/talents to be atrophied under the weight of 'maybe next year,' when 'next year' has already been thrust in my face.

and, so, here i am....still high off of an amazing all-day campus visit at one of the top seminaries in Chicago and in the entire country...blessedly assured that in 2010, if the Lord says the same, i will be entering a Masters of Divinity program, with a concentration in Pastoral Care/Counseling....5 years 'late,' but right on time :)

so, everyone's first question is: 'you're gonna be a pastor?' and the answer is, 'i don't think so.' i haven't necessarily heard a calling to be steward over an entire church, but i definitely feel drawn for further academic study and vocation. what will that ultimately look like? well, i will spend the next few years trying to figure that out! maybe i'll decide that being a 'professional student' is what i want and go on for a Phd.....maybe i'll determine that this draw i feel for the broken/hurting/wounded--particularly girls & women--will place me in a position of outreach in a faith-based nonprofit counseling center.....there are so many directions that this will take me...but the ONLY direction that i'm worried about is being right where He wants me to be.

when i left the school on Wednesday night after a long day of class visits, meals with students, meetings with professors, and an ending worship service, i felt a dual sense of excitement/anxiety (so much to do, so little time), and also of peace. i know that the road won't be easy--the life of a student never is--but i also know that it will be worth it. i am appreciative of all of the other (single) moms that have gone before me and have shown me that graduate degrees are indeed possible for those of us with young children who live in cities where we have no family. i am blessed to have many of them in my friend circle as examples.

i am blessed to have a great friend-- who is a graduate of the seminary that i am considering --who put the bug in my ear five years ago, and has gently reminded me ever since.

and, i am most grateful for everything working out for our good--setbacks/missteps/changes in plans --that somehow, someway, ultimately put us in position for that next great moment to live out our God-given purpose.

my story is not unusual, unique, nor am i any sort of saint....though i have tremendous faith, i struggle with doubt and insecurity from time to time, as the cares of life get heavy. but, i hope that through my sharing my lessons learned & my triumphs, you might too be inspired to hasten the Courageous and the Ballsy spirit that lives within you :)

clean house

so, i'm a reality show junkie and have just recently started watching that show 'Hoarders.' for those of you who don't know, 'Hoarders is a show that chronicles people with various stages of mental illness that hold onto (to the nth degree) stuff--their houses are overflowing with this, that, and the third to the point where they can barely walk around, ppl cannot come over to visit, etc. mental health professionals/professional organizers/clean-up crews come to these ppl's homes to assess the situation and to assist them with cleaning up the house and with getting help for whatever the issues are that are causing them to hoard in the first place.

to be honest, the show has been on for a while, but i initially didn't want to watch it. i was ashamed that i actually might be a hoarder and i couldn't stand to watch my 'issue' staring me in the face on reality TV! turns out i am nowhere NEAR the level of severity that these individuals are (even though i could stand to let the nostalgia go and purge a bunch of stuff, lol), but watching the show in relation to all that has changed in my own life in the last 7 days has not-so-gently reminded me that it's time to clean house!

it is often said that in every stage/season that you move into in your life, every person that's been with you in the past won't be able to go with you into the future. as cliche as that sounds, as i've reflected over the last week about launching into the deep unknown of 'Life after Corporate America,' i've been reminded, ever-so-harshly, that the road ahead will look very different than the one behind.

And...

the Cast of Characters will be decidedly different.

just like my career path for the last 7 years, i've kept some folks/ideas/thought patterns/behaviors around me out of comfort, while neglecting others who were solid standbys:

• great money/travel/perks trumped academic pursuits/ministry goals/true intellectual stimulation.
• abusive, mean-spirited 'frienemies' trumped loyal, honest, lovingly reciprocal friendships.
• insecurity and negative self-talk trumped knowing who i am/loving who i am, and NEVER having to defend that to anyone who truly knows who i am.

And the buck, my Beloved, stops here.

i refuse to walk boldly into this next season of my life, expecting GREAT things from the Father while conducting myself as if i am somehow below what He has promised for me. i cannot authentically say that i trust Him to provide for me go back to school full-time and be able to focus on that calling, while not trusting Him to give me back everything that I've lost along the way.

I cannot authentically share my story with all of you on a weekly basis and encourage all of you, if I am not authentically encouraging myself!

Matthew 7:6, 'For Colored Girls..' and spiritually-sound sista/warriorfriends have inspired this blog today. i hope that you'll remain in prayer for me, as i will for each of you, as i chronicle this next chapter in His Daughter's life:

'I've got some issues that nobody can see and all of these emotions are pouring out of me. I bring them to the light for you, it's only right. This is the soundtrack of my life.' ~Kid Cudi

forward...together, forward

it's been a minute since the last time i posted, and truth-be-told, my inspiration had been waning. i often wondered if the 'season' for my blog was over since i couldn't really think of much to write about anymore.....a friend of mine sent me a message the other week asking when i was gonna post again. i jokingly told her that "as soon as i could squeeze some literary blood out of the inspiration turnip" i'd be on it. here we are, just about 2 weeks later--and life has thrown some pretty decent inspiration my way. so, here goes.

as the old saying goes 'when life gives you lemons, make lemonade.' one of my good girlfriends is always repeating that saying to herself, to me, to others and has been intentional about living her life in that way. when she picked me up from my house yesterday to take me to run some errands, she handed me a greeting card and canister of CountryTime. You see, life had handed me some lemons just a couple of hours before that. and, as i had watched & admired her doing over time, it was now MY turn to make my own batch of lemonade.

yesterday morning, i lost my job. in losing my job, i lost a sense of 'security'--financially, medically (insurance-wise) and emotionally. i became one of the 10%+ of Americans who are currently out of work, for one reason or another. this turn of events didn't completely catch me off guard. things had been awry in one way or another at the gig for a while. when i was told a week ago to clear my schedule b/c my manager was flying into town to meet with me, i began to mentally & spiritually prepare myself for the worst-case scenario. and, at 10:30am yesterday, the worst-case scenario came true.

no amount of 'preparation' dilutes your natural human response to the death of something--whether it be natural death of a loved one (sudden or slow), death of a relationship, or death of a job--when the other shoe finally drops, it still shakes you up. i've spoken with some of my close friends about my fascination with the grieving process--how it works, how it doesn't work, the highs, the lows. and, with every 'death,' one must grieve what was and what can never be again while moving forward to what IS.

everyone's first two questions to me yesterday were: 1. Are you ok? (yes) and 2. What will you do next? (I don't know).

and I am enjoying being in a state of 'I don't know."

b/c you see, as i go thru the steps of figuring out the obvious--unemployment benefits, securing medical insurance for my child, adjusting my routine now that i am on the El vs. driving the free company car.....I am also given a moment to just think. to truly consider what i will do next, which may not be going back to the Rat Race as i've always known it.

as i packed up my office yesterday--unplugged my laptop & docking station, unhooked my ginormous printer/fax/copier, i felt a sense of relief. not in the sense of a huge burden being lifted, b/c there were aspects that i really enjoyed about my job...but just the burden of being able to finally answer the calling that has been nudging at me for so long--to find that vocation that makes my heart sing and to go after it, even if it means leaving behind all of the 'comforts" that i've grown accustomed to.

i must admit, i cried a few tears yesterday after all was said and done, but my JOY came back this morning. my daughter is healthy and well-adjusted, we have a place to live and food in our stomachs. the belt may have to be tightened for a while and some things that we used to do we won't be able to, but it will be an adventure. we are surrounded by loving friends and family and more importantly, a loving Father who hasn't failed us yet.

and i trust that at end of this current season, He will show me exactly where I need to be and what i need to be doing and that everything will work out for my good (as it always has before).

cheers to fresh-squeezed lemonade...and moving forward!

naked & UNashamed!

i am very, very proud to say that my literary 'baby'--my blog--turned one years old today! it scarcely seems like i've been writing it for one week much less a year, but as i've spent some time the last few weeks rereading some of my entries, i am both amazed and humbled by all that i have been through, have learned, and have shared with you--my loyal blog readers--over the last 12 months.

my blog started on August 17th, and was borne out of a challenging period of transition that i was growing thru. a spring/summer of high-highs and low-lows was drawing to a close, i had just started a new job, and had been reunited with someone that i had loved from afar for quite some time. i began my blog as a way to purge, to help me cope with the myriad of emotions that i was going thru, and most of all to share. those of you that know me well know that i am EXCITED about God and excited about sharing my testimony of the miraculous things He has done in my life--my deliverance from destructive behaviors/thought processes, my healing from unresolved grief, the changes that have come to define the woman that He created me to be. this blog has been a vehicle for me minister to myself and to also minister to all of you, in the hopes that some small piece of my story might encourage you to write & redefine your OWN story.

i am grateful to special ppl behind the scenes who 'cheerleaded' me on this project before i even typed the first keystroke. they were always gently nudging me to write--to conquer those things which troubled me, to celebrate those things which brought me joy....to love, anyway they are my Blog-Angels, and they know who they are :) I am indebted to them more than i could ever repay.

i am also grateful to special ppl who have been with me since the beginning (or nearly the beginning) of the blog. they always read, always offered feedback, honored me and made my heart smile when they sent me a msg to say how something that i wrote blessed their lives. that is the reason why i write!

and i am also grateful to the balance of my readers...many of whom came in later in the game yet took the time to read 50-60 posts to get 'caught up.' i've shared a big piece of myself with you..and i thank you for your eyes and ears.

His Daughter has grown like a weed--emotionally, spiritually, and mentally--over 12 months and 100! posts. i have done things that i thought i'd never do, learned lessons that i thought i'd already mastered, experienced loss, and been blessed with an overflow of gain! i am truly grateful.

and, insasmuch as i am able to find inspiration in both the big and small things of life, i will continue to write. i will continue to love. i will continue to hope. i will continue to offer and be accepting of grace.

naked and unashamed.

thanks for joining me on this journey!

the face of fear...

today finishes out what has been one of the better weekends that i've had this summer. friday was spent playing at the park with PC, saturday at the Chosen Few House Music picnic (whatchu know about a bazillion black folk who love House music BBQing, dancing, and just having a ball?), late night drinks at a local wine bar, and now a few hrs to myself as my sitter/family friend takes Sophia (voluntarily) to her church! life is good!

it also was a great weekend for me because in the midst of all of the fun times, i learned a huge lesson about myself and about my strength by being faced with one of my biggest fears.

for those of you who are from and/or live in chicago, you know how small the world is here. 6 degrees of separation are more like 3, and even less if you're in a Greek organization. PC's biofather and i met under 6 degrees-type circumstances. he is the fraternity brother of one of my sorority sister's grad school classmates and when we all met 5 years ago, we ran in a lot of the same circles and had many mutual friends/acquaintances. having been off 'the scene' for a few years since becoming a mom, i was rarely seeing these folk much, but as i've been venturing out more within the past few months, i have had increasing fear/anxiety about running into him while being out. over and over again, i've run into his friends, but surprisingly, have never seen him....until yesterday.

at the picnic, there were thousands of ppl...tent-upon-tent upon tent was set up, there was a huge stage with a DJ/performers, food vendors...a place where it was very easy NOT to run into someone that you WANTED to see, much less someone you didn't! yet, as i stood talking/laughing with a group of friends, i turned my head to the right, and saw him, unmistakably, in the distant. distant enough that he wasn't in earshot, but not so far that i didn't know exactly who he was.

i let out a little yelp which scared the mess out of one of the girls who was standing there who had no clue what was wrong with me. i turned to my friend and said to her "he's here" and she knew exactly who & what i was talking about. i've had near misses before where i thought i saw him somewhere, but it wasn't him. this time, it was the real deal.

it's hard sometimes for me to explain to folks where my anxiety around him comes from. i'm over the relationship (or the lack thereof) and was over that long PC came along. i'm not afraid of him in any way. i think that the anxiety stems from my own issues with 'seeing' people after a hurtful situation has ended. it bothers me and makes my stomach churn to see or run into folk if we've fallen out. i am Ms. Anti-awkward, so i'd just as soon never see the person again and not have that tension/weirdness/"differentness' between us than not.

Biofather and I haven't spoken in close to 3 years. He has chosen not to be involved in PC's life and to live as if she doesn't exist. So, in my instance, i think it is awkward x 1000 to be in the same space as him, under the current circumstances. but, what is the alternative--stay in the house? be a hermit? as my friend told me yesterday, "his choices can't have any bearing on you living your life. you both live here. you will see him. and you'll be ok."

as we exited the area where we were, my heart was palpitating and tears stung the backs of my eyes, yet i refused to cry. my friend held me by the arm and told me that i was going to walk in the direction of where he was (which was the exit) and i was going to do so with my head held high and my dignity intact. and, i did. and, i survived. i still don't know if he saw me (but we think that we did), but no matter b/c i emerged, relatively unscathed.

and i stared fear right in its (his) face.

soon and very soon....

....we are going to see the King. the words of the song that the choir sang as the casket containing MJ's remains was wheeled into the arena day keep playing over & over in my mind. a gentle reminder of how short this life is, how our concept of time--sooner or later--is but a whisper in the eyes of God, and how truly someone can be here today & gone tomorrow.

i, like most of the world, mourned MJ today as he was laid to rest. i wept openly while watching the televised with a friend, my tears a surreal mixture of sorrow & joy as i listened to his music, admired his photos, heard the tributes, and observed the raw grief of his family, especially his children. though it has been over a week since he passed, it is still very raw and very surreal. i almost expect to wake up tomorrow and this to be some sort of bad dream. but, alas, having "attended" his memorial service today via satellite, the grieving process truly begins and we realize that he is really gone from us--absent from his body, but present with God.

as we all know, MJJ was an awesome entertainer--album after album produced hit after hit from his Jackson 5 days to his last album Invincible. though i never had the opportunity to see him live, i've watched him on television over the years and was always amazed by his command of the stage and his ability to connect with his fan base of all races/colors/creeds. ppl who could barely speak English in faraway lands loved & emulated MJ. he crossed any and every boundary that was put in his way and the poor kid from Gary, IN became an international superstar.

but beyond MJ's innumerable talents in the music industry, my heart is even heavier today because i firmly believe that MJ was the closest person that our generation will see to someone who truly worked hard to show the love of God to his fellow man. here is an excerpt of something i posted on a listserv that i am a member of earlier today:

Michael Jackson was the closest thing that this generation will probably ever see of someone who suffered so to advance the cause of Christ in this world. His loving heart, altruistic manner, and deep CONCERN & COMPASSION for the least of these in society--children, the poor, the sick, the downtrodden, the forgotten. As many of the speakers mentioned today, Michael--in his walk, in his talk, in his actions--personified the love of God here on Earth. He wasn't just a "singer and dancer" (as this idiot on MSNBC just said), he was a humanitarian, a philanthropist who made millions and gave away millions to make this world a better place.

He carried the 'cross' proudly--of being a softhearted person, one who loved ppl unconditionally and probably gave some folks too many chances. How many of us can say in our own lives that daily we are walking in that kind of love, that we are creating that kind of legacy, that we are impacting ppl in our own communities, heck, our own households, in that same manner??

MJJ was a GIFT, a gift that we will NEVER see on this side of eternity again. He was a rare jewel that kept on running, despite ALL of the muck, mire, evil and demonic things that were thrown his way. Many of us could never begin to imagine how much PAIN he was in for all these years--emotionally and otherwise--and all he wanted to do was LOVE humanity.
--
talking about this topic with a couple of ppl earlier today, we continued to come to the same conclusion--we know that those who do good in this world--this world that is full of light, but also full of sooo much darkness--will be persecuted. they will be kicked, lied to/about, talked about, mistreated. if they did it to Jesus, you best believe that they'll do it you and they'll do it to me.

but, let us look at MJ as an example of rising up against adversity. as someone who, as his favorite song said, could 'smile even though his heart was aching.' who NEVER stopped loving ppl even when his pure love was used as a weapon to attempt to destroy him.

we must, we must, we MUST continue to LOVE ANYWAY. we must continue to be witnesses for the redemptive love of God. we must continue to pray for one another--especially those who are enemies/hurt us. we must continue to ask God to cloak us in a banner of compassion & forgiveness towards others.

we must think about our legacies. if you were taken out of here tomorrow, what would folk say about YOU? what are you leaving behind? whose lives have you touched in a positive way? what example have you been to yourself, your children, those you don't even know?

beloved, it's time to GET RIGHT. it's time to GET RIGHT with yourself and start doing that difficult work of cleaning out the broken/ugly places and asking God to fix them--he who is set free is free indeed! it's time to GET RIGHT with ppl around you--apologizing, reconciling, healing broken relationships with friends & family members, letting go of grudges. it's time to GET RIGHT with this world: if you have a talent and calling on your life, stop running! start making strides to launch that thing, whatever that 'thing' is.

it's time to GET RIGHT.

we lost an angel today that, in his lifetime, did all that he was called to do, leaving behind gifts that will live on for generations to come.

what will your legacy be? what will your epitaph say?

for all our sake, let us hope it says "well done."

by accident...on purpose....

last week, i returned from vacation to an empty refrigerator and a growling belly. when i woke up on Wednesday (still quite fatigued), i decided to pull myself together and make a Target run. after returning home, i began unpacking my bags and noticed something in the bottom of one of the bags--it turned out to be a paper sleeve that contained a woman's driver's license, credit card, and ATM card. i was perplexed, not knowing how it had ended up in my bag, but i immediately posted a message on my Sorority listserv thinking that, out of 3000+ ppl, somebody in Chicago HAD to know this person. after getting no response, i tried Facebook. Lo and behold, she had a page, so I sent her a friend request with a short message saying that i had found her items and wanted to return to her. i hoped & prayed that she'd get the message and reach out.

she got the message that evening and sent me a message--she was beyond elated! she had torn up her house looking for her items, panicked and disheveled, and couldn't figure out where she might have lost them. she generally checked her email once a day and had already checked it for that day, but something told her (she believes that it was the nudging of the HS) to check her email again, and that is where my message was. when she wrote me, she was so happy & relieved and spoke many blessings/favor over my life for my act of kindness. i thanked her and was humbled by the kind words she spoke. i told her that i just wanted to do the right thing and return the items to the rightful owner, and that i was glad that they ended up in my hands and not that of a thief.

busy holiday weekends on both our ends precluded us from meeting until today, but when we finally did, i was very glad. ppl tease me about being a 'friendster,' but i thoroughly enjoy connecting with ppl--hearing their stories, their hopes/dreams, triumphs/challenges and how God has worked in their life. there was soooo much more to the story than what she had initially shared when we spoke via FB and phone, and i was inspired by what she shared with me about her testimony & her faith. she encouraged me and i, in turn encouraged her.

it reminded me of a story that my friend/fellow blogger told me. she encountered a woman who had fallen in the street in the hustle-and-bustle of downtown Chicago. as this woman lay in pain awaiting an ambulance, my friend stayed with her and comforted her while crowds just passed her by. she ended up running into this lady a few months later and the woman cried and cried, blessing God for my friend's act of kindness when everyone else just ignored her moment of distress.

i am one of those ppl who believes that nothing..NOTHING..happens by accident. our lives are a series of events & encounters--that challenge us, strengthen our character & resolve, and most of all, give us the opportunity to show love & compassion for others. we are faced daily with situations--big & small--that we can choose to either ignore or confront, never knowing how big an impact that just simply CARING can have on another person's life.

yesterday, my church service ended with the choir singing one of my favorite songs 'Available to You.' As tear streamed down my face, i thought back on the significant and seemingly insignificant ways that God has used me...and that God has used others in my life. my pastor's sentiment yesterday was simple--God can use ANYBODY! every single one of His disciples had an "issue' that the world would say "disqualified" them from service, yet He used them mightily.

maybe He won't use you to preach in foreign lands or write lots of books and gain critical acclaim.

but, perhaps He'll use to return someone's possessions that they've lost...or to comfort someone who is injured or hurting.

maybe it'll be by a kind word, a hug, or a phone call at just the right time.

however He chooses to use you, make yourself available. the possibilities are endless.

--check out the YouTube link below...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4i7z3ga0Fdo

how do you find the words to say....?

it's been a while, loyal blog-readers, but i'm glad to be back! tomorrow officially marks the end of my vacation and what a lovely time that it's been. i just returned early Wednesday morning from a 5-day trip to LA, and since i've been back, i've been fortunate to sleep-in until unGodly hours, watch lots of TV, take a wonderful trip to the zoo, and pour out a little liquor/eat a little 'cue/dance a little in honor of MJ. i will place a much-needed cap on this week of respite by heading to my beloved house of worship tomorrow morning, with a heart on fire ready to praise God for safe travels, much-needed rest, and just for being who He is and bringing me this far, in spite of me.

my little PC took her first real vacation when we went to CA this past week--she went to the beach and built sandcastles, felt the cool water of the Pacific Ocean wash over her toes, swam in the rooftop pool at our hotel, spent time with my first cousin & his wife who just adore her, and just had an all-around wonderful time. she squealed with delight as she watched me upload the pictures to my laptop the other night, excitedly pointing out my cousin's dog Buford, the clear blue water of the pool, and her Beloved TeeTee who assisted her with the architecture/engineering of those great sandcastles in Santa Monica. those moments and memories will stay with me forever and i feel blessed to have been able to assist in providing them for her.

i've spoken on this blog before about car-thinking. back last fall when my daily commute to PC's then-preschool was upwards of 2 hours roundtrip, i had a LOT of time on my hands to think. i've always been a fan of roadtrips......even with the music blaring, i am free to relish in my own thoughts, probably a little bit too much...but it is a welcome departure from the hustle-and-bustle of my daily routine where my thoughts focus on where i have to be next and the quickest, most efficient way to get there and get 'er done vs. my feelings.

though i didn't take a road trip to CA, being away from work (only checking work emails 2 out of the 8 days i've been off), a long airplane ride, and time spent at home vacaying-from-the-vacay have given me a lot of time to think.... i went into the trip looking to hit the 'refresh' button. i had heavy weeks for the month or so preceding the trip---both at work & in my personal life--and, as trips go, i knew it would be a time for me....even for a few days....to escape.

and, escape, i did--to an extent.

but the freetime made me VERY pensive.

this year is more than half over. as i approach my 29th birthday in exactly 60 days (Lord-willing), i've been thinking back on all of the things that i've been thru/grown thru/learned over the past year, much of which has been chronicled in my blog at one time or another, as i started writing it last August. it amazes how much can happen in a year's span of time--how much joy, how much pain, how much loss, and how many gains. it's amazing how much damage can be done...and, conversely, how much edification can occur.

i got a phone message from a family member about 3 weeks ago. i haven't spoken to/heard from this family member in quite some time, and in their message, they said that they had been working on writing me a letter for a few months now, but presumably had not finished it/sent it, as i have never received anything.

as i've thought back on that voicemail message, i began to remember how much i used to enjoy writing & receiving letters. long before the days of emails, i would handwrite letters to out-of-town family members, friends, and penpals who i'd never met. i recall going to the store to pick out the perfect stationary, decorating the envelope with stickers, going to the Post Office to buy stamps. i remember the feeling of accomplishment when i would complete the letter and mail it off, and also the delight when i would receive a response. before email, there was a level of mystery--there was no 'return-receipt' to confirm whether someone received it, no delivery-confirmation on a Blackberry. there was no instantaneous reply. you sent the letter, trusted that the person received it, and waited for a response. there was an air of mystery and anticipation--one that, admittedly, is not completely lost with the advent of email...but just not the same.

my queue is full of letters that i need to write--mostly to just say hello or to say thank you. however, there are 2 letters that i need to--and have been needing to--- send and am having a hard time putting to paper. i am a writer and as a writer, i know intimately the power of both the spoken AND written word to build up...or tear down. i know what it means to misinterpret someone's intentions and not hear their heart... because i've done it. but, as a writer, i also know that the written word is where i am most comfortable--able to bare my soul in the way that i have been gifted.

i remember having a conversation with a fellow writer/blogger last fall. she was at a crossroads--ready to pen an email to a friend that she knew had the power to end the friendship based upon how she felt that the friend would receive it (she had been friends with this person for over 10 years). she knew in her heart that there were many things that she needed to say to her--none of them mean-spirited--but she also was well aware that things might not go over so well. she was essentially stuck, and taking a huge risk. she wrote. she pressed 'send.' she jumped. and it ended exactly as she had suspected--but in her heart of hearts, she felt that she had done the right thing out of sheer love & concern for her friend. and she rested with the notion that, if it were meant for them to come back together, they would...eventually.

i find myself at that crossroads now. these 2 letters--one to a family member who i love, and one to a very dear friend who i also love--loom over my head. i like letters, because, unlike email, there is no instantenous response. usually ppl sit down, digest, maybe go back and read again. i think in dealing with emotions we ought deal with them more like that--seeking first to understand, then be understood, without benefit of an off-the-cuff response that technology affords.

but, as with anything...there is always a risk--a risk that you'll be misunderstood, misread, misjudged. and, when those things come into play, there is often no turning back as far as the other party is concerned.

so, as i contemplate writing, i ponder this risk. i evaluate risk for a living--but have trouble taking certain risks in my own life.

many ppl throw around the statement 'speaking the truth in love' without really knowing what that means. i can distinctly tell the difference when a loved one/friend's "truth" is based upon their love for me...or, manifest from some other place. i guess that discernment comes from the heart that God gave me that tries VERY hard to love ppl in spite of, to read folk's fine print', that tries to believe the best in everyone. the heart that yearns to feel that reciprocity from all who i give it to (even though that is unrealistic).

i am certainly not perfect and have my 'ways' from time-to-time just like the next person, but if I have not love--HIS way--I have nothing.

God gave up His Son because of His love for us. He sent Him here to speak a Word of healing, redemption, and deliverance, knowing that He would ultimately be crucified because of His message. Jesus' words weren't always warm & fuzzy, but you always knew that the place where His guidance and His reproach sprung from was one of pure, unadulterated love for us and wanting nothing but the best for us.

I strive to be like Him, loving and wanting nothing but the best for those around me, especially family and friends.

And somehow figuring out just the right words to say that....even if it costs me the very thing/person(s) that I hold so dear.

the attitude of gratitude...

every now and then--though probably not an often as i should--i stop and take a moment to deliberately & intentionally remind myself of all that i have to be grateful for. even amidst the everyday stresses, the ebbs & flows of life/my own thoughts/own issues, i am learning how to silence all of the voices around me--even my own--and just really center myself and be thankful.

today, i am thankful for (in no particular order):

--my job. though it drives me crazy some days, it allows me to flexibility to drop everything at a moment's to pick up my sick baby..which i had to do just a week ago.

--my sisters-of-the-heart. i miss my best friend JMD and my cousin CLM so much sometimes that it hurts, but i know they are never more than a phone call away. their unconditional love, prayers, and truth-spoken-in-love have sustained and blessed my life more than i could ever put into words.

--sunshine! after days and days of rain, warm weather allows me the opportunity to get outside with PC and teach her how to ride her brand-new bike. that smile on her face is priceless.

--wisdom. PC's first name means 'wisdom' in Greek and i am grateful each and every day for the knowledge that has come from being her mom and the new lessons that i learn about her, about myself, and about the world around me.

--fresh food. i had farm-raised salmon for dinner, organic veggies, ripe strawberries. while many ppl (particularly the poor & ppl of color) live in 'food deserts' where they don't have access to quality, healthy food for their families, i am a stone's throw away from a market where anything and everything are at my fingertips and i can enjoy the natural goodness that the earth has to offer.

--a servant's heart. the 'assignments' that the Lord sends me on, i oftentimes don't know why He chooses me b/c i certainly don't feel equipped most days! but, over and over again, He has chosen me to do His work in some small way. the cross i bear is heavy, but it is all that He might be glorified. i'm grateful that when my soul is empty, His spirit fills me up.

-- deliverance. i don't do the things i used to do. say the things i used to say. act the way i used to act. respond the way i used to respond. i am not perfect, but i'm come a looooong way, baby. thanks be to God.

--memories. most happy. some bittersweet. a few painful. all valuable.

---

of course this list is not all-inclusive, but just a sampling of what i came up with by just sitting still for a few moments. i encourage each of you to take 15 mins a day of silence to reflect and remember the big & small things. to examine. to engage.

to exude GRATITUDE.

dead WAIT

last week, i was having an IM conversation with a close friend and she was gushing about the new guy in her life. she giddily shared with me the details of her budding feelings for this guy, as any person in a new relationship would, waxing poetic about all of the things that she adores about him and how he makes her feel. as i read my friend's comments, i was smiling outwardly, imagining the excitement in her voice (had we been having this conversation verbally), and then, as quickly as i smiled, i instantly burst into tears, overcome by a 'moment.' a moment that doesn't come as often as it used to (thank God), but still comes from time to time--a moment of wishing/hoping/wanting./missing feeling that way about someone, and having someone feel that way about me.

i've approached the topic of my 'Single Season' a few times on this blog, and have been all over the map with my feelings about it--sad, content, confused, angry, complacent. as i have passed the 5 year mark of being in any sort of meaningful relationship, and the 1 year mark of dating someone more-than-casually (and countless other months of not having a date at all, but hey, who's counting, lol!), my perspective has grown, changed, and been shaped by my current circumstance--a circumstance that gets to me from time to time, but one which i refuse to allow to negatively define me.

as i sat in church yesterday, my Pastor preached an awesome sermon on the story of Mary, Martha, and Lazarus. Lazarus, prior to his death was very sick and being cared for by Mary and Martha. He ultimately died, and was later resurrected by Jesus. When he was brought back to life and unwrapped from the linens that had clothed his dead body, he was a new and better man and a living witness to the power of God. His 'resurrection' set the stage for the Ultimate Resurrection to come.

while he was dead, though Mary & Martha mourned, they had to move on with life. they had to learn to live without Lazarus, and in that, they learned that they could indeed live without him. when he was brought back to life--better than he had been before--it was a testimony of the healing power that Jesus had, that He was who He said that He was. It also taught some timeless lessons that resonated within my spirit so deeply that it was confirmed what i had been feeling all along:

this season is to show me what i can live withOUT, in order that i might learn to receive that which will be given to me--when it is time.

people who haven't spoken to me in a while often ask me the proverbial question 'how's your love life?' depending on how i'm feeling that day, my response will differ, but admittedly, many times i've said "oh, it's pretty much dead/nonexistent.' i rarely date (not for lack of interest, but for lack of options) and i haven't been in a real relationship for quite some time. i've intimately/painfully learned what it means to yearn for the companionship of the opposite sex and not be able to have it, to have forgotten what it feels like to snuggle with, kiss, or gaze into someone's eyes lovingly. i've learned how hard celibacy is---especially for those who choose it for themselves. i've learned firsthand the simulataneous struggle & blessing for those like me who can admit that their celibacy is an involuntarily thing, while giving thanks for a voluntary God who ordained things this way!

and most of all, like Mary & Martha, i have learned that even in my roughest moments of mourning the death of romantic love in my life, i am ok.

i have learned to live without.

now, don't get me wrong: in saying that i've learned to live without, this is by no means a facade that i don't desire--i am human and i do yet still desire all of the things that i mentioned above. but, what i desire most is NOT to return to the place that i was before love 'died'--a place of wrong ppl/wrong decisions/wrong situations. THIS is my story. THIS is my song.....

i can confess that i don't always know what's best for me, which is why i am grateful for a loving God, family, and a handful of true friends who have my best interest at heart when my sight isn't very clear. even though i falter many times, i know without a shadow of a doubt that i trust God with all areas of my life, including this. i trust Him most of all to allow me see clearly the 'Reason for This Season' and to continue to send wisdom my way to help me through the rough spots, ever pressing towards what is on the other side, whether it is ultimately a relationship or just a joy-filled peace of mind.

all of us experience 'death' in our lives--physical death of loved ones, death of relationships, death of dreams. i watched two close friends lose their jobs almost a month ago and have been inspired by their grace in handling the uncertainty of the 'death' of their main means of income. in both situations, even in the moments of anxiety/anger/hurt, their unwavering trust in God, His plan, and His final say in the matter has been what has allowed them to stay focused and remain positive. that's admirable faith.

i share this blog--one of the more 'naked' ones i've written in a while-- to encourage each of you to trust God, anyhow. for whatever the 'death' you might be experiencing in your life--to know that He has something on the other side that will trump this current mourning season. to focus on the positive. to own and be ok with having 'moments' from time to time. to surround yourself with loving & encouraging ppl. and to keep running on to see what the end might be.

the best is yet to come!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rRwQy2eQbJM

even though i can’t see
and i can’t feel your touch
i will trust you lord
how i love you so much
though my nights my seem long
and i feel so alone
lord my trust is in you
i surrender to you

so many painful thoughts
travel through my mind
and i wonder how
i will make it through this time

but i trust you
lord it’s not easy
sometimes the pain in my life
makes you seem far away
but i’ll trust you
i need to know you’re here
through the tears and the pain
through the heartache and rain
i’ll trust you

everything that i see
tells me not to believe
but i’ll trust you lord
you have never failed me
my past still controls me
will this hurt ever leave?
i can only trust you
no one else like you do

so many painful thoughts
travel through my mind
and i wonder how
i will make it through this time

but i trust you
lord it’s not easy
sometimes the pain in my life
makes you seem far away
but i’ll trust you
i need to know you’re here
through the tears and the pain
through the heartache and rain
i’ll trust you

shake it off...

So, some really crazy mess happened to me tonight, and i was all prepared to do my blog/purge combo and share all the details....but, i've decided that it isn't worth the time it would take to type, or the additional aggravation to the carpal tunnel flare-up in my right wrist.

however, i will say this: please let no ONE or no THING steal your joy! let nothing stand in the way of what you've worked hard to accomplish--being in a good place, comfortable, joy-filled, surrounded with love. those things are priceless and CANNOT be taken away from you.

just this week, i commented on my FB page that i was very grateful to have a rich, joy-filled life surrounded by love, laughter, and lessons. i may not always have everything that i *want,* but i certainly have everything that i NEED. i am FULL, ya'll and that is a GREAT place to be.

i trus that many of you--my faithful blog readers--are where i am.....and, if you're not, that you're working your way there....

even when you get there, there will be moments that will test you---darts that will graze your skin, but that won't leave more than a flesh wound if you deflect them with gratitude and recollection of all that is GOOD in your life.

one of PC's favorite shows is 'Yo Gabba Gabba' on the Noggin Channel. Tonite, in the midst of the darts being shot my way, i ran across one of the episodes. the characters were singing a song called 'shake it off' and one of the lines was: 'if you get a little hurt, you gotta shake-shake-shake it off."

written for a 3 year old, but wisdom for a grownup.

i got up, shook it off, looked for the laughter, and sat down to write.

i hope that each of you will find that unique & effective way to remind yourself what really matters...

and to SHAKE OFF all the rest!

let me tell you what i'm NOT...

i stole the title for tonight's blog from a friend's Facebook status from last weekend. she used that line verbatim. when i saw it, it made me LOL, primarily because, in my mind, i could hear her voice & see her facial expressions while she was saying it. when i commented on her status, she replied by telling me the story of who and what prompted her to post to begin with. simply put, just another case of folks underestimating her prowess, taking her kindness for weakness, and otherwise pushing buttons that under normal circumstances, it might not be advisable to push. a judgment call gone wrong.

as i sat thinking about what to write about tonight, that line jumped into my head again....as i reflect on the events of the past few days, weeks, and even hours--the many of the self-imposed changes i've been going through....

i say to no one in particular (other than my own internal insecurities):

let me tell you what i'm NOT:

*i'm not the sum of the 12 inches of hair that lay on the salon floor this afternoon as I chopped off 5 inches of 1 year- old virgin hair + another 7 inches of relaxed hair=a 1/2 inch of curly/afro poof. i didn't cut to gain attention or to make a political statement. i cut to shed the very thing that i held onto for the shallowest reasons.

*i'm not the sum of the things & ppl that i've lost along the way...because in loss, i've gained perspective, clarity, open windows in exchange for closed doors, and 10-fold blessings for every 1-fold exit. i will no more force a square peg into a round hole--begging ppl to stay who want to dip out...or staying in places where the welcome mat has surely been worn thin. even in that, i will continue to love like i've never been hurt.

*i'm not the sum of the missteps i've made. i don't bare my soul on this blog or to strangers i meet along the way or when i have an encounter at church just because. i get no pleasure out of not being able to stifle my very nature, which is to be transparent and in turn, empathetic, because that requires vulnerability which sometimes can lead to deep hurt if not handled properly. no, i share because my heart bursts with something to say about bad choices--covered by grace--bound by forgiveness....and how none of us is above reproach and ultimately redemption. i share because to not share is to waste the very purpose in the pain.

*i'm not the sum of the Corporate Plantation that i pick cotton on everyday. inasmuch as i toil/fuss/fight against 'The System,' in order to provide for my family, i am YET brainstorming with my Business Partner about not how we CAN get out but how we WILL get out, and follow the dreams of our hearts that have nothing to do with 'cooking books,' overstating earnings, and Golden Parachutes for white-collar criminals.

*i'm not the sum of any 'titles' that can be bestowed upon me as just another cog on a wheel. instead, i embrace the only titles that truly matter--child of the Most High, mother of my Heart's Joy, daughter, TeeTee, Soror, sistahfriend.... i find joy in cultivating the relationships with those that are near and dear to me, and i will never apologize for my fierce loyalty and ride-or-die dedication..even when not reciprocated.

a little thing called a Big Chop put a lot of things in perspective for me...everyone had an opinion--most were VERY positive & encouraging, very few were not (even if they tried to act like they were). for a recovering People Pleaser like myself, that's a potential recipe for disaster. but, i won the battle this time around b/c i came to the realization a long time ago that it was much more than my hair.....and, regardless, it was MY decision. but, i'm human and still like a 'hi-five' every once in a while, especially on big things, so took a deep breath and kept it moving.

i AM in a good place. i AM content...most of the time i AM happy ('happiness' is a fleeting emotion), but definitely always filled with joy.....i AM blessed....i AM excited....i AM having a ball!

encouraging all of you to take a moment to focus on what you're NOT while doing some internal inventory, discarding those things, and then getting about the business of focusing on the i AMs!!

the Chosen One

so, i'm driving home Friday night from a 'date' with my Main Squeeze a.k.a. PC. we had just enjoyed some great QT together--dinner at the Choo Choo Train Diner (where they actually bring your food to you on a miniature train!! fun, i know!!) and Sesame Street Live. she was sleeping peacefully in the backseat as i headed south on I-294, and i was listening to 'I Am'--Chrisette Michele's first album. for those that know me (or pay attention to my FB status updates), you know that she is one of my favoritefavoritefavorite artists, and though her 2nd album is slowly growing on me, i am still addicted to her first album. cruising down the highway, i was listening to 'Golden' (if you haven't heard it, please download it), and i got to thinking about agape love...unconditional love...and how my little Sleeping Beauty has taught me exactly what that means.

before i was a mother, i distinctly remember having long talks with my best friend about child-rearing. her son was little then and she was a single mom, struggling to make it through graduate school, while working full-time to keep it all together. she would often tell me how she never knew what it meant to truly love unconditionally until she met her son...and that, we think we know love when we fall in love with a dude...or b/c we love our family members or friends...but that LOVE...that love for your child...is something that is impossible to fully capture in words, but will shake up every notion and assumption that you've ever come up with in your head about what it really means to love.

you see--children love us unconditionally. they haven't been spoiled by the stresses and strife of life and all of the mountains and valleys that come with it, hardening their heart in places that should otherwise be soft. they love us even when we're unlovable--when we're yelling & scolding them for being disobedient, when we have to tell them 'no' because we know what's best for them, when we don't look or feel our best, even when we make mistakes. they don't hold grudges. a moment after they've thrown a tantrum or stomped off to their room mumbling under their breath--if you reach out to them and hug them, they won't turn you away.

these little people (and for those who have pre-teen and teen kids--bigger ppl, lol) love without conditions.

wow. what a concept.

being a parent doesn't come with instructions. sure, there's all kinds of books, videos, and seminars out there...but nothing compares to being in the trenches with YOUR child on a day-to-day basis. those of us who are parents began this journey in many different ways--some younger, some older, some planned, some unexpected, some single, some married, some after much trial and error, and some with relative ease. our paths have been wrought with many twists and turns--GREAT days...and some challenging days...

but, when we look into the eyes of that little person who shares half our DNA, we are reminded:

for such a time as THIS, I have been chosen to be steward over this person's life.

wow.

as i drove down the highway, my eyes filled with tears and i began to cry and shout to God words of thanksgiving. my journey as a mother ain't been no crystal stair, and there have been many a day or night where i've cried and prayed...and prayed and cried....and had to reach out to a friend or two to talk me down from just running away with the circus.

but, for all of those 'midnight hour' moments, i've had 10-fold opposite moments--of pure, unadulterated JOY--- at the person was sent from Heaven to change my heart...and to change my life and my very being.

i am so grateful and so blessed, and the Word is true when it says that children are indeed a REWARD from God. not sure what i did to deserve such a gift, but i intend to continue to make it my top priority to love her in the way that He has loved me.

Happy Mother's Day to all of the mommies out there...the aunties....Godmothers...and others who make a difference in the life of a child each and every day. you are indeed angels unaware.

one night only

*simply WONDERFUL!!!* ~kmw


Jennifer Hudson makes homecoming concert a family affair
April 26, 2009
BY KEVIN ALLEN kjallen@suntimes.com

The Englewood home where Jennifer Hudson grew up is eight miles from the Arie Crown Theatre at McCormick Place. But the journey from the former to Saturday night's performance at the latter is nothing short of epic.

The Chicago stop wasn't your average show on Hudson's tour. How could it be?
After all, Saturday night marked Hudson's first homecoming as a headlining performer. It was also her first public performance here since her mother, brother and 7-year-old nephew were senselessly murdered nearly six months ago to the day in that same Englewood home where her talent first blossomed.

She didn't address that situation directly -- or the circulating rumors of her pregnancy, for that matter. She did, however, dedicate the song "You Pulled Me Through" to her family members who were in the audience.

From there, Hudson continued to make her show a family affair. She even welcomed four of her cousins to the stage to sing a pair of a capella spiritual songs that brought the audience to its feet.
"This," Hudson said, referring to her cousins, "is where I come from."

Hudson's voice was flawless from the opening notes of "One Night Only" to the final extended notes on the lyric, "You're gonna love me," from "And I'm Telling You I'm Not Going." She displayed the vocal range and distinctive style that audiences fell in love with on "American Idol" and flocked to theaters to hear in "Dreamgirls."

Her stamina was especially impressive considering she's nearly a month into her tour with Robin Thicke.

For his part, Thicke played the part of ideal opening act. Dressed in head-to-toe black with hair tousled just so, he managed to woo women of all ages in the audience with a bit of PG-13 girating. It takes a special sort of man to sing falsetto and maintain bravado, but Thicke pulled it off. He covered Al Green's "Let's Stay Together" and delivered an surprisingly enjoyable a capella version of Jodeci's "Come and Talk to Me."

But there was no mistaking that this was Hudson's night. With her beaming fiancee David Otunga videotaping from the front row, light bounced hither and yon from her engagement ring, dangling earrings and beautiful black sequin dress.

Both literally and figuratively, Hudson shined.
Forget that she's a Grammy and Academy Award-winning performer whose lightning-fast rise to diva status is a thing of legend. Forget for a moment that she's endured family tragedy most of us couldn't imagine in our worst nightmares.

When you strip away the celebrity accoutrement surrounding Jennifer Hudson and see her simply as a performer on a stage, one quickly realizes that they are witnessing one of the premiere talents of a generation. And as with the divas who paved the way for Hudson, those who saw Jennifer Hudson's triumphant return to Chicago will someday tell their children and grandchildren, "I saw her. Live. In concert."

And she was simply sensational.

blessed to be a blessing!

so today is a great day on so many levels: of course for the usual things like waking up, a working heartbeat, sunshine(!), and family...but also because (*drumroll please*)...i just scored MAIN FLOOR tickets to see JHud on Saturday night...for $50...and PC will be with a sitter-auntie who is FREE!!

yay me!

so, as i was basking in my pre-concert glow, i changed my FB status to reflect the happy ocassion. one of my friends (who is also a co-attendee to said concert) commented on my status and said 'Lucky Girl!' i laughed and replied 'Better than lucky-blessed!" we started dialoguing about that, and it got me to thinking about this whole notion of thanking God for the 'blessing' of material things, without really thinking about the meaning (and purpose) behind those things that we are blessed with.

one thing that irks me to NO end is the sight of luxury cars with personalized license plates that have something to do with God 'blessing' them with this Benz/BMW/Hummer/Lexus/etc. I see them ALL the time, but the thing that irks me is not so much the fact that these ppl feel like God has 'blessed' them with this whip, as it is that you rarely see something similar on less-than-luxury vehicles. did God not bless you with that too? or do you not want to draw attention to your older car--which defeats the purpose of praising God for the blessing to begin with?! we ought to be thanking Him for both the big things and the small things, even if we're not 'ridin clean' (or as clean as we would like).

i remember some years ago a close friend of mine was going through some financial difficulties. she had fallen behind on her car payment, and the financing company was threatening to reposess her car if she didn't come up with a certain amount of money by a certain date. my friend didn't have the money, but she prayed about it and made peace with it in her mind that they were going to do what they had to do. Through all of this, she trusted that if it was His Will, God would somehow make a way for her to keep/pay for this car so that she could continue to be a blessing to her church members--picking up and dropping them off for service, running errands for the various ministries that she was involved in, taking her son safely back and forth to school and to visit family in another state, etc. she always reiterated to me that it was never about the car (she would walk/bus, if she had to), but it was about how she used the blessing that she had been given.

i thought about that today as i was celebrating my ticket. though the concert is gonna be a wonderful time and i'm getting a great bargain, it's not about the material aspect of it. it isn't about the concert itself. i feel blessed for two major reasons:

first reason: my friend and i had originally looked for tickets at the end of February. all the good seats were sold out, so we scrapped our plans. last week, her friend won a contest and got two AMAZING seats to the event. of course i was hating (in a loving way, LOL), but was happy that she could go with her. she kept encouraging me to get on this same contest site and see if i could win because she knew how bad i wanted to go, but no luck. some other tickets came available thru HER friend and as distracted as i was with other stuff going on this week, she kept giving me gentle reminders about these tickets (cause i surely had forgotten). needless to say, i got some great tickets, great seats, and a big part of that is b/c my friend was keeping after me because she knew how much this would mean to me!

second reason: i'm scrambling to find a last-minute sitter that won't kill my extracurricular budget, and reached out to PC's STL Auntie (who has since moved back to CHI). STL Auntie used to keep PC for me when i was traveling to STL for my old job and was truly, TRULY a Godsend. when she moved back to Chicago recently, she reached out to me to let me know that i could lean on her whenever i needed a sitter, so i could have a 'break' from time to time. reached out to her today, and even though she had some tentative plans Sat evening, she is working PC into those plans b/c, in her words 'the concert is something that i shouldn't miss!' and she is happy to help.

so, you see, i am reminded today, that blessings are much more than material items. blessings come in the form of the sacrificial love of friends, through their thoughtfulness and kindness. RLH & KRD--thank you *hugs*

i'll let you all know how the concert turns out ;-)

child's play

*waving at my loyal readers*

quite a few ppl have been contacting me like 'what's up with the blog?' before today, i didn't realize that it had been TWO weeks since my last post--wow! time flies when you're having fun, right? (or when you run out of blog topics...LOL). anyway, i owe ya'll back big time...so be on the lookout for one..or...two...or more within the next few days :-)

so, what to write about?

well, i recently joined the FB Cult after years of periodic prodding from friends asking me 'areyouonfacebook?' and me saying 'nawdawg--idon'tneedanothersocialnetwork.' i had never fallen victim to MySpace, so i figured i could skate by FB unscathed..and did...for quite a while. finally, after a bit of good-natured peer pressure (c'mon, KW..it's sooooo fun!), combined with my own curiosity, i bit the bullet and joined about 2 months ago. truth be told, i already had a profile set up from YEARS ago that i had done nothing with other than enter an email address and password. but, over the years, i had accumulated quite a few Friend requests, so my queue of FB contacts begun to fill rather quickly once i finally 'signed on'.

i got signed up, uploaded some pictures, sent some Friend reqs, downloaded the app for my BB and started playing around with it. i discovered that i really enjoyed it and was glad that i joined. in conversation with my friend/fellow blogger, she was raving about how much she loved FB because it had allowed her to reconnect with many of her HS friends with whom she had lost touch over the years. somehow we got on the topic of why it had taken me so long to join and i told her that i really had no connection to high school and no interest in staying connected with my HS classmates...and those that i did, i was already in contact with. she probed a bit further, and i told her that, unlike most ppl, my high school memories are not made up of cotton candy and other pleasantries. seeing the faces of many of these folks (it's amazing how everyone looks the SAME!) --even 10+ years later, still stirs a bit of my memory...not enough to make me upset...but enough to remind me why i stayed away so long...and why i'm grateful for those ppl that have been there all along, FB or not.

a rail-thin (anorexic in appearance, but not in fact) teenager, i went into my tween and teen years awkward--tall, lanky, unathletic, blind (eventually got contacts--yay!) and just not a part of the popular crowd. i was called a 'nerd' for doing well in school and an 'oreo' for speaking 'white' (otherwise known as 'proper English). there was no 'high-school sweetheart' (though there were plenty of crushes and 'situations' with ppl who had no real interest in me) and i almost ended up going to prom solo because my date flaked out at the last minute (luckily i found a replacement in an old friend). of the 'popular' students that took the time to get to know me beyond their outward perception of me, most didn't acknowledge me as their 'friend' when other popular people were around. much of that eventually funneled into my college experience, but that's another blog for another day....

in a later conversation, my friend and i were talking about childhood trauma and if adults can ultimately overcome those things that were said and/or done to them as kids. i spoke about teasing and how cruel kids were in my day, and how much worse they are nowadays to the point where we see stories on the news daily of students killing themselves--or each other--based upon bullying at the hands of classmates. as i scrolled through pics of some of my HS classmates, i remember how many of them were teased unmercilessly--for being darkskinned...or overweight....or poor...or unfashionable....or smart...or, in the case of my HS best friend--gay. i also see the faces of the other classmates--the ones who were doing the teasing. if you were to ask many of them now, they probably would say that they don't remember doing it. but, i bet those that were teased remember it. i know i do.

many ppl will say that 'kids will be kids' and that teasing is a normal part of growing up. i'm not sure if i agree with that philosophy because good-natured 'trading the dozens' has given way to something much meaner, much nastier, and much more damaging.

PC, even at her young age, is a social butterfly--other children seem to flock to her and she is a natural Friendster. at 2 yrs old she is obviously too young to have experienced teasing yet, but i already worry about what the issue might be that will bring it out. the Mother Hen in me does not want her to experience a sliver of what i did when it comes to that. the Realist in me knows that it is likely inevitable. i just hope to instill enough self-esteem in her that she will have heart to stand up to those that try to tear her down.

after all is said and done, FB is a welcome diversion. HS was 11 years ago-- i now wear my Nerd Badge proudly, can codeswitch with the best of them, and somedays wish I could fit back into a Size 2, LOL. 'popularity' is overrated, and i'm not interested in being friends--or lovers--with anyone who ain't claimin' me. though my memory hasn't faded, life--and God--happened to me...so i have victory over the scars from that time!

and, i'm always itching for more FB friends to stalk....so, look me up ;-)

reason, season, lifetime

truth be told, this topic of 'reason, season, lifetime' has been on my mind/heart for some weeks now. unfortunately, as has been known to happen to those of us who sheepishly call ourselves 'writers'--the words/thoughts/ideas were all jumbled up in my brain, but i couldn't string them together into anything that made sense enough for the lovely, dedicated readers of this blog (and yes, that means YOU,lol). but, as has also been known to happen to those of us who sheepishly call ourselves 'writers'--an aha! moment today rounded out my thoughts, and gave me the exact words to put to e-paper. so, here goes......

so, yesterday i had a 3hr chunk of time between work appointments and i decided to make the local Panera Bread my 'mobile office.' it was right in the middle of the lunch rush, and, even in the pouring rain, folks had made the trek to get their 'U Pick 2,' so seating was at a premium. i finally snagged a table in the far corner (with an outlet for my laptop--yay!) and got to work on a turkey sandwich and some emails. the crowd eventually dwindled and a group of 4 ladies came in to meet for lunch. they were seated about 2 tables away from me, but as the noise dwindled down and their conversation got lively, i couldn't help but eavesdrop (by accident...hey, they were my background noise). these ladies all appeared to post-menopausal age, and they had a ball while they were there. they laughed, talked about every topic under the sun from travel to health to husbands/boyfriends to what bank they had their retirement fund saved in. they playfully chided each about the heaps of food on their plate, and some talked over others when they were trying to make a point. when i left after 2.5 hours, they were still there--giggling, sharing, loving.

now, i have no idea how long these ladies had been friends, but i would assume probably for quite a while since i've been told that the older you get, the harder it is to make friends. maybe that met at work years back before they all retired..or maybe their kids were friends and they met thru playdates, high school athletics and proms. maybe they met thru church activities or community service. no matter the genesis of their friendship, it was very obvious the connectedness of the four of them and the pure joy that they had just hanging out, eating lunch, and being with the girls. as i walked out of the restaurant, i sent my friend a message about this simple, yet profound thing that i had just observed. i said to her 'i hope that'll be me and you and the rest of my friends one day.' she completely understood.

as an only child, the selfish pieces of me never really wanted a sibling growing up. i used to secretly pray that my mom wouldn't have a baby and i would plot my escape juuuuust in case the unthinkable happened! looking back on it, i now laugh because as i went to college and became an adult, the tide turned and i starting wishing that i would have had a sibling. i envied my friends who did have siblings (even ones they complained about). i believe that the Friendster in me was partially borne out of that desire for a sister. i took (and still take) my friendships very seriously, and, as i've been told, have probably doled out that title way too liberally.

some years ago, my best friend/sister-of-the-heart introduced me to the concept of reason/season/lifetime. she would always tell me that everyone that comes into your life is not necessarily there forever. there are people who truly are there just for a reason (and not always a good one!), a season (to help you grow/teach you some things), or for a lifetime (very rare & very special). our job is to pay attention, to respect and value the relationship, to take from it what we need and to give to it what we have been called to give...and if/when the time is up, to let the ship sail. i used to kick/scream/pout at this concept because the reason/season part=not forever. and, as the person who HATES goodbyes and who grieves loss like no other...well, i couldn't get with that concept. i wanted folk that would be around FOREVER and WHENEVER...but, as all who've lived just a little bit of life know: nothing lasts forever (so be honest, babe--thanks, Maroon 5 :-)

since becoming the mother of this Special Child named PC, i've had a lot of folk come in and out of my life--either directly or indirectly related to her birth/existence on this earth (funny how God works). many of the ppl that i've met in the last 3+ yrs since i first found out i was pregnant have been b/c of PC: other [single] moms, friends of friends, parents of PC's classmates, church members who watched my belly/baby grow unbeknownst to me, sorority sisters that i've only ever met electronically...the list goes on and on and on. and, as is to be expected, some of those relationships were for a reason and/or only lasted for a season, while others i know will be for a lifetime. PC's first name means 'wisdom' and her middle name 'God will increase' and it has proven to be true. b/c thru being her mom, i have become wiser about myself, about what it means to be a friend, about loving, and about letting go. i've learned that things change/people change/dynamics change, sometimes for the good and sometimes for the bad. i've learned that unresolved feelings can make even a great relationship irreparably broken. i've learned that ppl show up (and God shows out thru them!) right on time.

and, i've also learned what it means to 'choose' your family, when you're away from those who are related to you by blood.

so, as i watched those ladies yesterday, i thought to myself how much i wish for that. for 30 years from now to be able to meet my girlfriends for lunch and laugh, love, and have a good time. to have those girlfriends be not only ppl that i met long before now and long before there was ever a PC...but also for those that i have met during the last few years and also those that i will meet along the way...'sisters' that have yet to be born. as unrealistic as it sounds, i wish for no more seasonal friends, and instead only those that will be there for a lifetime.

in that, i also wish to be a better sisterfriend--to be more loving, more patient, more kind, more generous. to give more grace and more forgiveness. to know when to speak the truth in love--and how to receive it. and to know when to say when.

to be a better person 30 years from now than i am today.

cheers to sisterfriends :-)

job [in]security

so i headed to Cleveland yesterday to drop off PC for a couple of days with the Grandpeeps while i traveled to CO for the gig. i was talking to the Mother-ma-bob and she handed me a copy of a press release that her employer--the Post Office--had handed out to employees, detailing thousands of impending layoffs and over 100,000 offers of early retirement (but NO ca$h buyouts) for administrative and other staff. rumblings about PO layoffs have been milling about since last fall as the agency slipped deeper and deeper into debt, gas prices soared, and ppl continued to use electronic methods to send correspondence/pay bills, etc, decreasing the PO's revenues by BILLIONS of dollars.

my mother's job is relatively safe...she is 4 years from retirement and has 20+ years with the agency, so will survive this round, though she is *itching* to get bought out so she can chill and enjoy retirement and being a full-time Grandpeep. even still, it is certainly a rude awakening for her as this is the only job she had ever known and has never experienced anything but what the PO is known for--good wages, great benefits, and job security. layoffs? unheard of.

as i was talking to my friend about this tonight, we were exchanging stories about growing up in Post Office families. Her grandparents, mother, and uncle all worked for the PO at some point. along with my mom, two of my aunts and two of my uncles either currently work there or have worked there. the Post Office was one of those places that gave Black folk a slice of the American Dream. if college wasn't your 'thing' or your parents couldn't afford to send you, you could 'get on' with a job down at the PO.....work hard, get paid a nice wage--enough to buy a nice home, nice car, and pay your bills, and ultimately retire comfortably. i've grown up around it...remembering my mom waiting for me as a kid walking home from school and she would 'sneak' and give me a ride in the red/white/blue hatchback that served as her 'company car' to deliver mail on her routes...the childhood friends i made and grew up with--sons & daughters of her 'work friends' who she celebrated with and partied with...now all of us are adults, many are married and/or have our own kids. i remember getting a scholarship from the PO when i went to college and how proud i was of that. i remember (as nerdy as it sounds) always enjoying 'mailing' things...and receiving things in the mail....just going to the PO in general, even though the lines sometimes were sooo long. i still to this day LOVE mailing stuff, and find myself in the PO--long line or not--atleast 3 times a week.

so, as i read the press release, it made me say to myself 'wow' at how things have changed. even now, blue collar jobs are no longer 'safe' and all that our parents/grandparents worked for (including their 401(k)s) can be snatched out from under them in an instant. those of us who did the 'college thing' usually can go out and atleast be in the running for a replacement position if we lose the one we're at...but what about the folks who don't have the formal education and yet have worked somewhere for 20+ years? how do they get back in the job market...or do they? i've often asked my mom if she ever left the PO, what would she like to do? she didn't have an answer for me, and partially it was because, she told me, she had never really even thought about...or, heck, had a need to think about it.

i am sure that i am not alone as i reflect on how things have changed and how things will never be the same in this economy going forward. i am challenged to remain ever grateful for the blessings that i have and the opportunities that have been afforded to me by way of education and life experience. i remain indebted to the hard work of my family members over the years as they toiled to try to make a decent, comfortable life for myself and my cousins. and i am reminded that even those things that seem like they will last forever, most times don't...and we must be prepared.

we have no way to go but up...let's hope that the bottom gets here--and fast--so that we can start to see the upside of this challenging time.

six degrees.....

so, i'm just in from another GREAT nite with friends! tonite, was a local comedy club. i'm usually not a big fan of standup, but thought i would try something new...and, after the day i had today, i was yearning for some good, old-fashioned belly laughs. well, i was certainly not disappointed and cried real tears as i watcged the comedians. i had a BALL and i'm glad that i went (and grateful to my new Runnin' Buddy for inviting me!).

i've been out a lot recently to a number of 'social gatherings' in and around the city. having been a hermit most of the winter...heck, most of the time PC's been on earth for that matter, here lately i've been attempting to get out more often, have true adult interaction (and not just wait on having a date), and just have a good time. being back 'on the scene' (or as I call it: the Grown-and-Sexy Circuit) is quite interesting...having been off of it for the last 3-4 years, i have discovered that much hasn't changed and i've also discovered that the Negro Network in Chicago continues to be very small with most folks separated by 6 degrees or less.

to be honest, those 6 degrees have been a huge deterrent for me going out up until this point. i dreaded running into folk from my past, mainly PC's BioDad, who i haven't seen since court in the fall of 2007. the romantic situation between he and i is long dead & gone, and his relationship with PC is nonexistent (by his own choosing), but the fear (yes, fear) of running into him somewhere makes my stomach tie up in knots. imagine my simultaneous delight/horror walking into a bday party a few weeks ago for my homegirl's high school classmate. as i walk in, the first person i see is Steve. Steve is BioDad's frat brother and owner of the condo where i met BioDad in the summer of 2004 at a BBQ. i hadn't seen Steve for about 3+ yrs, so it was great to see him. he, of course, knew that i had had a baby and asked about her and asked to see photos. he was his genuinely sweet self--didn't probe, didn't make me feel uncomfortable, didn't bring up BioDad at all, didn't cross boundaries. to most, that might not have seemed like a big deal, but to me it is a very big deal for him to respect that space....and to catch up with ME...for the sake of catching up with ME...not trying to get the scoop on BioDad and i. still, for the rest of the night, a part of me lived with that knot in the pit of my stomach...wondering if BioDad would be showing up at this party at some point, and if that would throw me into a panic. i enjoyed myself and eventually emerged unscathed, but it was still in the back of my mind.

i thought about this issue of six degrees/past lives as i played phone tag with a friend this week. this friend and i don't talk on a regular basis, as marriage/babies/geographic changes have altered our dynamic a bit. but, when we do get a chance to talk and catch up, she inevitably always asks the question "so, what's up with BioDad? has he come around? has he seen PC?" because of this, i've been dreading returning her call. she isn't alone...many of my friends (some of whom were around when BioDad and i were together and knew him/liked him) ask that question when we haven't talked in a while. but it extends beyond them. some family members ask. other friends. it's almost become the requisite question for folk to ask after we've gotten past the preliminary pleasantries. and, to be honest, i'd rather they not ask.

b/c once they ask...and i say 'no, he isn't around. no he doesn't know PC, etc,' they feel obligated to give me the sympathy/'eff that ninja'-speech. and, while i know that their intentions are good...

i'm ok. really, i am.

i came to terms a long time ago with BioDad's decision to not be involved. whether i agree or disagree with it, it's the reality (and HIS choice), and no amount of 'eff-that-ninja' is gonna change it.

the knots in my stomach have less to do with running into BioDad-who-isn't-involved...and more to do with running into an Ex that i have a sordid, complicated, hurtful history with--something that i HATE happening, with a passion. i'd just rather not.

but, as one of my friends told me so eloquently, i have to let that go. i cannot allow emotion--fear, panic, etc--to control my life, my movement, my recreation.

and, so that's why i continue to go out. to face my fears head-on, to grab a little bit of my 'KW' back from the Mommy-Abyss...and to let off some steam.

i've been dancing on every set....

and i'm not tired yet :)

shaken, but not stirred

for those of you who have been reading my blog for a while (and others who are newer to the blog, but that i may have spoken to offline), you know that i have openly written about my struggle with panic/anxiety attacks (see: same script, different cast). as i've discussed before, the panic attacks are infrequent and i know my triggers, but as i am yet still walking in victory over this issue thru prayer, counseling, and support of a few dear friends....i am still on the battlefield.

and, this weekend, after weeks and weeks of no issues, i fought that battle and lost, and had the worst panic attack that i have had thus far. it was terrible, but i use that term "terrible" loosely as, in my research on the topic, i know that what i experience physically during these scenarios is mild in comparison to some ppl who end up in the ER...have them daily...or are on prescription medication to control the symptoms. so, for the mildness of my "terrible" attacks, i am grateful.

after the attack subsided and i was able to reflect, i found myself feeling defeated. i had been riding high on a wave of "everything is alright" for a few weeks, but secretly in the back of my mind waiting for that other shoe to drop. of course, that's no way to live because in that place of fear, you can never truly overcome that which you are being faced with, and fear shows a lack of trust in God and in yourself. also, the false "everything is alright" mentality leaves a sliver of an opening for the enemy to step in and 'shake some things up.' 'oh, she thinks she's got it ALL together? she thinks she no longer has this issue? let me test her and SEE just how together she REALLY is.'

and, so, that is what happened. and, as i am prone to say, "But God!"

the Defeated feeling tried to linger...and it did, for a while. i was kicking myself and angry with myself that i had somehow allowed myself to fall into the trap of anxiety/panic. with Defeat came the feeling of Shame....i started to feel ashamed of this issue. so much so that when a friend called me yesterday and asked me what was wrong (she could clearly hear that something wasn't right in my voice when i answered the phone), i beat around the bush for quite a while--not b/c i didn't want to share or thought that her concern was disingeneous, but because i was ashamed to share, for fear of being judged.

even me, Ms. Transparent Herself, who writes this blog week-in and week-out and spills some of the most personally challenging things imaginable to my faithful readers-- i was ashamed. i somehow felt that it was my fault and that i should've known better than to allow myself to 'go there' with an attack. essentially, i blamed myself for it.

but, thank God for that friend who called...and for others who i've shared with this weekend who said to me (the very voice of God in the flesh, i think)--"it's NOT your fault. you're NOT defeated. you WILL overcome this. you're taking positive steps TO overcome this. we WILL pray you thru. you CAN call me if you need to talk. you are NOT going thru this alone."

i'm sharing this story today, partially to allow myself to purge and also to encourage someone else. i know that there are readers of my blog that are struggling thru many things--whether mental illness, health concerns, relational problems, job-related stress, unhealthy behaviors...the list goes on and on. Shame is what keeps healing from occuring--when we allow ourselves to get to a place where we can't even face that thing which we're attempting to overcome. where we're hiding it for fear of what other ppl might say or do--including, but not limited to, judging us or leaving us.

i also share this today for those of who might be out there reading thinking that 'everything is alright.' i believe that equilibrium in life does occur, on some levels, but i also believe that the unpredictability of life will knock that equilibrium clean off course. from a spiritual perspective, we have to remember that the daily 'battlefields' that we fight on are not against flesh and blood (though they may seem that way). we are daily fighting against principalities--forces of evil sent to do nothing but steal, kill, and destroy our hopes, our dreams, our families, our health, our friendships, our peace of mind! just because you haven't been confronted with that type of spiritual warfare yet, don't rest on your laurels. when life is "good," we must all take the time to strengthen our resolve and our awareness--training our 'Spiritual Soldiers'--for the war that is yet to come. it is not a question of if, but when. the bad news is: we're all susceptible. the good news is: we can win!

finally, i share this message today as a clarion call for all of us to take the time to become more and more self-aware. my cousin/spiritual confidante and i have been dissecting the issue of inner-healing for the last few weeks. she's involved in a Bible study/prayer group at her church that is tackling that issue, and she has been amazed at the discovery of all of the wounds that were left on her heart that she thought she had dealt with thru forgiveness of the offending party, but essentially had never really healed. as we sat and talked about what some of those things were for her--and for me--we thought about how the fact that because the wounds remained unhealed, it negatively affected other aspects of life, especially during those periods of 'everything is alright.' never truly confronting those things essentially left slivers/holes open and ready for attack. my sincere hope and prayer is that all of us, no matter where lie on the spiritual spectrum, will be confronted with those things about ourselves and do the difficult, but necessary, work to be free!

looking at my Gucci, it's about that time....

....to set my clock forward. i know, i know--we're losing an hour of sleep, BUT, it also means that spring is just around the corner....and that is certainly a bright spot in the midst of all of the somber news coming across the airwaves these days.

His Daughter has a bit of Blogger's Block tonite....i know i owe ya'll a [real] blog and i've definitely got itchy fingers....but i gotta make certain that my words are fluid and not forced. so, imma sit tight for a minute, let them come together in my brain....and will be in touch shortly.

so, don't forget to set your clocks forward tonight so you're not late for church, work, or whatever other Sunday activity you have going on tomorrow. remember to pray for someone you love...and someone you don't even like. and also, in spite of and despite what you see going on in the natural...TRUST Him.

finally, to steal a quote from a friend's email sig: "be kinder than necessary to everyone you meet because everyone (and i mean EVERYONE) is fighting some sort of battle"....and your act of kindness just might be the one thing to turn their day...week...or life around.

seriously.

lovingly,
KW

settling the score

so, it's Day 3 of Lent, and i'm feeling pretty good. i've implemented the changes that i wanted to make over this time period, been praying a LOT more and filling my mind and spirit with the Word of God/positive messages, and really just been feeling a sense of peace/calm in the midst of a hectic life. i'm proud to say that i've only fallen off the wagon twice--i bit my nails and cursed during hectic traffic yesterday...while my gospel music CD was playing. i know, i know, i ought be 'shamed..but, hey, what can I say? i'm a WIP.

as part of this season of reflection, i decided to give up complaining. it's been brutal, ya'll, ESPECIALLY because i've had lots of subject matter to complain about (and laugh about) when it comes to these Speed Dating debacles. however, in keeping in line with the commitment that i made to myself and to God, imma not complain, but i am going to give my Humble Opinion about an issue that is near and dear to my heart.

(*in the best grandmotherly-voice that i can muster)

'Baby, he's just not that into you (me)...and that's OK!!"

i dont consider myself to be a relationship expert by any means. i'm not currently in a relationship and honestly havent had what i would consider to be a successful one, since i've yet to tie the knot. however, what i DO know is that i've learned some lessons over the years--thru my own experiences and those of ppl that i love, and one theme that continues to scream out at me is this:

we DON'T have to settle.

now, the word "settling" tends to get folks in trouble. why? bc settling means different things to different ppl. to one person, it could mean dating someone who is not their physical ideal. to another, it could be dating someone who has less education than they do. to someone else it could mean the difference between a man (or woman) with children vs. one without. but 'settling', semantically, gets a bad a rap bc it implies being judgemental or closeminded. i agree that sometime the definition of settling could be construed that way, but it also think that for forward thinking ppl that know better (and have the T-shirt to prove it), it goes a lot deeper than that.

my close friends come to me to vent about their relationship issues often. i listen, i encourage, i ask questions, and i try to give them perspective that is as unbiased/unemotional as possible. contrary to popular belief, despite the crazy mess that i've been thru, i am VERY quick to give someone the B of the D....but only for so long. why? bc, call me old-fashioned, but, i do think that there are inherent things that a man does to show his interest in you....and things that when they're not happening, indicate disinterest/flaky/other things going on. period. when a person shows that interest in you, it is up to you to determine whether you are interested back, if this is the right person/right situation, etc. and move forward. it is not up to you, however to make excuses for behavior that is out of step with what is reasonable and customary, in your mind/heart, to you and what you are looking for. this doesnt take away our responsibility as women to show that we are interested and to make effort as well...but, it is not our responsibility to chase or to

case in point. the book (and now, movie) 'he's just not that into you' became the dating bible for many women 5 years ago. written by a man (with commentary by a woman) it contained common-sense talking points/lessons for women to take heed to in dating/relating. such things as 'he's just not that into you if he's not calling you" or "he's just not that into you if hes not asking you out/asking to spend time with you?" simple, right? i think so, yet i've found myself, in discussions with some of my friends, having to defend the fact that i think it's unacceptable for a dude that i'm casually 'dating' ( if you wanna call it that)...to sporadically return phone calls/texts days later....or to call very late at night when he knows i'm sleeping...or to let weeks go by without even so much as asking me out on a date (not asking me to 'stop by'..but a DATE). and, yes, i've given the requisite B of the D with respects to work/life...however, again, call me crazy, but in the age of cell phones/email/BBs etc......umm.....yeah...there's no excuse.

that's a major turnoff for me...and i'm not "settling" for flaky. why? bc i am not flaky in return.

as one of my friends says "there's a lid for every pot" and i believe that. though i dont believe in relationship perfection (nor do i think HJNTIY is the "Bible:), what i do believe is that cadence happens between two ppl who are on the same page. my good girlfriend met her bf online. he emailed her and it took her a week to get back to him bc she needed to work thru some things (which she shared with him). once they chatted it up, they went on a date, and their relationship has beautifully evolved. there's never been an issue with communication and consistency, because it is important to both of them. she's never had to take a sip from that tall glass of water, because of his lack of follow-thru. and, just like any couple, they have their challenges, but, she knew, fiundamentally, that he was committed to the cause of making a positive and authentic impression on her from the beginning.

so, without really 'complaining', i've given ya'll the scoop on one of the Mutual Matches...and how i feel about his effort...or the lack thereof...and, the good news is: I'm OK! Cause tho we had good convo, etc.....the time that i have put into making an effort hasn't been mirrored....which is certainly not a precedent that i'm trying to put in place.

what you accept you teach as acceptable..and settlin' aint acceptable to me.

so, as Kat Williams so eloquently said:

"i'll wait."