baggage claim

i love New Year's Eve. not just because of the confetti, fireworks, bubbly drinks, or revelry. not just because of Watch Night service at church, which serves as an inspiration to reflect on what God has done, and to look forward into the New Year. no. I love NYE most of all, because it forces me--an emotional packrat--to let go.

most of the time, i can admit, i walk around with a burdened heart. i take on the painful emotional burdens of ppl that i love (even without their knowledge), i carry around the burden of guilt/missed opportunity--things that i should've said/done, or even those things that i should not have said/done. i carry around the weight of my own hurt & scars, memories that aren't so easy to shake, and just when you think you've conquered them--something or someone comes along and acts as a reminder.

that's a lot for one person to carry on their back, right? yet, i do....and most of the time, i do a pretty good job of the balancing act, but every now and then, things get a little bit too heavy, and i reach my breaking point. but, being broken isn't always a bad thing. i look at it as a wake-up call--a second (or third, or fourth, or tenth) chance to get it right. it's like when you get sick and are confined to bed for a week with a really bad cold or the flu: oftentimes, it is our body's way of telling us that we're doing too much and we need to take a break. and, if we won't voluntarily take that break--we'll be forced to.

as i watch this year come to a close, i am able to look back with pride and with gratitude. in 2008, i've had some joy and i've had some pain. i've had some sunshine, and i've had some rain. i've learned some tough lessons, i've experienced loss, and i've experienced the 10-fold blessings that can come after loss. i've made new friends, and started a new job. i've been a mother for another year. i've watched family members and other loved ones go through major transitions, and supported them as best i could through those seasons. i've learned a lot about myself and made changes to myself--spiritually, emotionally, and even physically. i've taken chances, fallen on my face after a couple, but triumphed even more. in the midst of it all..

it was a very good year.

and though we know spiritually that God does not measure time in the way that we do--to Him one year is like 1 minute--this moving over from 2008 to 2009 offers us a fresh start. though ANY day is a great day to make a change, we know that much inspiration comes at the stroke of midnight on January 1st. if we are so blessed to make it to that date/time, we have yet another opportunity to get it right and live & love without boundaries.

so, as i finish this evening--quiet, at home, with PC sleeping soundly and some time to myself...i can thank God for how far He has brought me. there have been plenty of times when i have cried out to Him, wondering where He was and why He wasn't hearing me...and my faith here lately has been stretched to a place of borderline unbelief that i shudder even thinking about.

yet, i believe.

i believe that the best is yet to come...that my latter will be better than my former. that He has great things for me to do in this life, and that i have many more lives to touch and many more assignments to fulfill.

that in the new year, i will laugh more, love deeper, work harder, and live better.

that my experiences will continue to refine & shape the woman that i am to become.

and that all of the baggage of 2008 will be left...unclaimed...on the Carousel of No Return.

i will look forward with faith, forgetting those former things.

i will be grateful.

He has certainly done enough.

Happy New Year...

maybe next year...

as i've mentioned in one of my previous blogs, Christmastime is my favorite time of year. beyond the religious connotations of the holiday, which are the most important--i just love all things Christmas--songs, foodstuffs, wrapping gifts, etc. unfortunately, as i've also mentioned in one of my previous blogs, i really wasn't in the spirit this year for a number of reasons, and i woke up on thursday feeling like it was just another day. yes, i have PC, and in many ways, Christmas is all about the kids, but PC had been given her gifts from me early (and some saved for when we got home today) due to our travel schedule. looking forward, as she gets older, i will take a cue from some of my friends who are parents and who live in another state than their family and let PC celebrate Christmas at OUR house, with her toys/tree/etc...and ask family to come to us. in that way, i can create a sense of normalcy and cultivate our own family traditions.

but, i digress.

after a harrowing weekend of cancelled flights, dropoffs/pickups/dropoffs, and hour-long waits at Baggage Claim, i can truly say--i'm glad to be at home, and in my own bed. don't get me wrong--i love my mama and 'nem and enjoy going home, but i can only take it in doses...and 7 days is quite a dose, LOL.

when i got back tonight, i was catching up on some news and reading a blog on the Sun-Times website. the blog is written by Lacy Banks, a local sportswriter (who is also an ordained minister) and is currently battling brain & prostate cancer, and end-stage congestive heart failure. in many ways, he has made a lot of headway in his treatment/recovery, and his blog chronicles his journey with wit, wisdom, reality (no sugar-coating), and a healthy dose of faith. the blog he wrote on Christmas Eve focused on how much he and his wife love the Christmas season, and how he refused to let Death win--no matter what the prognosis, this would NOT be his final Christmas.

his blog hit me like a turn of bricks. here i am, 3 days after Christmas, wishing that i had spent more time getting in the spirit--not only for me, but also for PC. everytime i watch her excitedly press the button on her singing Christmas Dog stuffed animal and wiggle her little body in time with the tune, i think about what i could've done differently...and i kick myself as i try to figure out a way to make Christmas-after-Christmas for her this week coming up, even if it means scouring the stores for clearance-rack wrapping paper and ribbons, and recreating the moments in our living room.

you see, as i plowed through my Bah Humbug-ness, i kept saying to myself---i'll do it better next year. and, if the Lord says the same, i WILL go all out next year for PC, family, friends, and for myself. i am not thinking morbid thoughts or anything like that, but we all know that life is fleeting....and none of us--no matter how healthy or 'together' we appear today, are promised tomorrow. with that in mind, as cliche as it sounds, we ought to live & love without boundaries, simply because of this.

for all of you who are reading this, i hope that your holidays were magical in their own special way. realizing that we are human and we're all going through things, i also hope that if the light of Christmas was somehow dimmed due to the trials & tribulations of life--that the glimmer of hope which exists in the statement this too shall pass, helps to add a little illumination to your New Year's path.

carpe diem.

and ANOTHA thing...

a conversation with a friend today reminded me of a bad habit that i've tried to shake over the years. that bad habit is the need for closure a.k.a. the Last Word. the need for closure has reared its ugly head mostly in the realm of romantic relationships. many of my breakups haven't been so 'clean' and there have been times where i've been left holding the bag wondering who-what-when-where-and-why. struggling for answers, i would fall victim to the OAP, sitting on the phone for hours with my best friend, dissecting over and over again what had happened, what i could've done differently, and most of all, trying to come up with an answer.

i've never understood my incessant need for answers. i'm horrible in math & science--disciplines who produce a solution at the end of the equation..but i've always been great in the social sciences--history, English, literature--subjects that don't really require an answer, but require more abstract thought and application. so, why this need for an answer? an answer, that, most of the time, won't make me feel any better?

as i've mentioned in blogs post, the funny thing about God/life is that it will present you with the same things over and over again until you get them right...and even if you do get them "right," you will still be tempted to do them wrong. which brings me to the point of today's blog. said Friend and i were talking about this topic of closure--feeling the need to have to have the Last Word--the denouement--to end a situation, even when the situation has already been 'ended' by communicating that it's no longer working for both parties involved, and it's time to move on....

as is the usual order of things (atleast in my experience):

Person A gets fed up and decides that Situation X is no good for them anymore. They communicate this with Person B. Person B says 'cool, i understand. best wishes to you.' Person A starts the journey of putting the pieces of their heart back together and getting on with life, only to have Person B reappear RIGHT when Person A is on the brink of breakthrough/recovery. now, Person A is in a position to say what they've always wanted to say to Person B because Person B has decided that they have something to say too, but Person A isn't really on it....or so Person A thinks. Person A gives Person B an audience in the name of 'closure' (a.k.a. looking for answers that they'll never get) , doors are opened, and Person A is back entangled with Person B and 20 steps back from where they were before.

sound familiar? (please see: same script, different cast)

now, the scenario described above is not meant to say that ppl and/or situations cannot change and be healed, because they can. but, 99% of the time, when we give an inch to a situation/person we know is no good for us, we do it because we're looking for answers....answers that we'll never get, atleast not on this side of eternity, and if we do, it ain't gonna be what we want to hear. we can dress it up as just wanting to 'close things on a positive note,' but let's call a spade a spade, because only then can we face the issue head on and not allow ourselves to get drawn into the SAME mess that we've worked so hard to get ourselves out of.

as i've written about before, i decided to walk away from the 7-year Itch because i needed to move on and to heal. almost 7.5 years later, i am no closer to having answers to my unanswered questions than i was a few months ago, and probably never will. but, i am ok with that. yes, it hurts from time to time. yes, i think about him/the situation. but, i also think about me...and what's best for me...and trying to mine answers from someone in the name of closure gets you nothing but further heartbreak. if we allow God...and time....to work their natural magic...answers WILL come in the most unexpected ways...in a way that will likely cause you to smack yourself in the forehead and say 'duh!' very loudly. manna will not rain down from Heaven nor will Charlton Heston appear in your dreams...but things will start to make sense and progress will be made.

but, progress only sticks when you learn to leave well enough alone.

holi-daze

so you all wanted me to get back to the 'meat of the meat'--here goes..

--

i spent most of this evening cleaning/packing. i'm off to Cleveland tomorrow, PC in tow, to surprise my mom for Christmas. as i was driving yesterday, running from one errand to the next, i got to car-thinking (my usual) and felt a tremendous wave of sadness wash over me--in an instant, i felt blue...and i was instantly pissed.

the Holiday Season--Thanksgiving/Christmas/New Year's-- is my absolute favorite time of year. i love the spirit of the holidays--togetherness with loved ones, remembrance of all of the many reasons why we should be thankful, the gift of JC (the REAL Reason for the Season) and the warm feeling we get inside when giving gifts to those we care about. i love the opportunity to look back at the year that has gone by, and look forward with hope and anticipation of the year to come. it is a magical time of year, and one i enjoy.

i was pissed because i haven't really felt 'in the spirit'--my usual Christmas shopping, meticulous addressing/mailing of holiday cards, decorating/baking, etc...has been replaced with a sense of melancholy that hasn't been easy to shake...and i feel a tremendous amount of guilt behind that.

you see, this holiday season, i have, for the first time in my life, felt what i had read about/heard about so many times before--the Holiday Blues. i know that many ppl experience it for one reason or another: missing family members who have passed away, financial strain due to job loss that preclude them from purchasing gifts for their children, or (and this is the one that applies to me) singleness in a time when EVERYONE around you is coupled up.

i don't think it's so weird/strange/desperate to desire to share the holidays with someone special. to spend quality time with that person, creating your own unique traditions, weaving each other's families together and creating memories that last a lifetime. for as long as i can remember, atleast since graduating from college 6.5 years ago, i have spent every holiday 'alone,' for all intents and purposes. sure, i have PC (now) and i have my family (and i am grateful for both, so please don't take it for the opposite), but...frankly...i'm tired of spending this special time of year by myself.

the perpetual Third Wheel.

now before all you married/coupled-up folks send me emails about how "being married or in a relationship is not the panacea blah blah blah"--save it. i've heard it all before, and though i mean that with no disrespect, i also want the fact that i'm savvy enough to not look at relationships through rose-colored glasses to be respected as well. my desire is not borne out of some pie-in-the-sky notion that Mr. Wonderful will come along, sweep me off my feet (on his white horse, of course) and solve all of my problems. no. my desire is simply borne out of my desire as a woman...as KW the Woman...to love and be loved...to give and to receive....to complement...and be complemented.

so, as i look forward into the remainder of the holiday season, i struggle with this feeling of melancholy. i have close friends that are dealing with far worse things than my datelessness: tragic loss of family members, job layoffs and financial crises, health concerns, etc-- and certainly have a valid reason, even if just for a fleeting moment--to feel sadness.

and here i am with my melancholy, the one that many would say i need to just 'get over.'

yet, i can't.

but, i'm hoping that a few days at home, will take my mind off of it...if only for a little while.

Merry Christmas.

same script, different cast

i've been called hardheaded a time or two in my life...stubborn even. it's not that i won't listen to others or even take into consideration their thoughts/opinions on a topic.....but, i'm many times very reluctant, atleast on the front end. and certain things i know that i'm just NOT gonna change my mind about--call me bullheaded or set in my ways, but it 'tis what it 'tis.

so, where am i going with this? well, i am one of those ppl who believes that God presents you with the same situations over and over and over again, until you get them right. whether it is in your job, your relationships, or any other area of your life, you WILL see those same things creep up and try to tempt you--but true growth is shown when you recognize them early enough to counteract the negative effects and make the right decisions.

i suffer from panic attacks. i have not been formally evaluated nor diagnosed by a psychiatrist (but it doesnt hurt to have someone like the Doc around to bounce ideas off of), but my symptoms are classic. i don't have them every day or even every week, but i do have them. the good news is, i've gotten to a space where i recognize my triggers (tho i haven't conquered them) and i recognize early on when an attack is coming. the bad news is, i haven't conquered my triggers and i've had 3 attacks (mild) within the past month, 2 of which were a little more than 12 hours apart.

as i reflect on the who/what/when/where/why of the situations that triggered my most recent attacks, i find that they aren't any different than scenarios in the past when my attacks were a lot worse and when, frankly, i didn't even know that they WERE panic attacks. the ingredients are the same, but the current finished product is the "low-fat" version of the Anxiety Cake i was baking before. but, nevertheless it is still happening, and it is obvious to me that i am still in a learning/growth phase.

more than anything, i wish to be free of this burden. the burden of internalizing everything, being a consummate people pleaser, being unsure of decisions that i make, and being upset with myself when i think others are upset with me. doing too much. taking on too much. all of these things--singularly or in some combination--set up to trigger my attacks. i get frustrated with myself because i KNOW what i shouldn't be doing....yet my mind does something completely different...and then i go down a road i do not want to go.

so i write this blog today with no resolution....this isn't one of my blogs where i have some catchy 'last word' to sum it all up and make it appear as tho i've got everything under control. this also isn't a plea for pity (or to be invited to a Pity Party), because there is absolutely nothing to be feel sorry about. this blog isn't about looking for a quick-fix solution--a list of self-help mantras that will somehow spring me into action and cause all of this to go away. and it isn't about placing blame on externalities, as i am only as good as my reactions to those things around me.

no, i'm not suicidal. no, i'm not putting PC up for adoption. no, i'm not gonna buy a one-way ticket to Dubai and walk away from it all, no matter how tempting sometimes that may sound.

this blog is none of those things.

instead, this blog is a request...to all who read this, as i consider each of you friends:

for prayers/words of encouragement..and most of all love.

and for those of you who have talked me through the last 3 attacks i've had, and wouldn't let me get off the phone until i was ok (you know who you are)--We Help Each Other *wink*

i'll be ok...i am ok....one day at a time.

more than i can chew

sunday morning, i was having a bit of hair-stration. it started Sat nite, after a day of shopping--hopping in and out of the car into an intermittent cold rain--the hair was well, a little crunchy. not SUPER bad, but definitely in need of some TLC. but, you see, TLC + hair doesn't work for me because...well...i don't do hair. and, this new 'do has forced me to do something i don't do. and, it is frustrating at times.

as i struggled in the mirror trying to figure out how to fix all that was wrong with my mop before i left for church, 'biting off more than i can chew' popped into my mind. i thought about it in terms of many things i'm juggling now--decisions that are causing me to make even tougher decisions because i didnt thoroughly think things through on the front end. Ms. Indecisive taking the recommendations of well-meaning friends instead of dissecting the issues for herself, lest she fall victim to the OAP (Over-Analysis Paralysis for those of you new to the blog).

my eyes were bigger than my stomach.

i am a foodie--love food, adore food, constantly talk about food, always looking for the next piece of food to cause my tastebuds to explode with glee. as much as i like food, i am also a chronic waster. i almost never finish an entire plate of food--whether at a restaurant or at home--unless i am truly STARVING.....i tend to have the big eyes/small stomach thing going on, instead of just taking a little bit and going back for seconds later, if there's room.

my stress level has been on Level 25 for the past week. hair-stration not withstanding (Haircut Guilt eats at me gently most days), i've had many other things pulling at me/tugging at me/pushing me to a near breaking point.

i'm doing too much, and much of it is self-imposed.

and though i've cut back on some things, there are others that need definitive conclusions: career, PC's education, love....

and so, here i stand.....with a mouthful of STRESS....

and spiritual- chompers that aren't really working that well to break up the tough pieces.

pray for me ya'll....this too shall pass...

but i could use a little extra boost of strength to get thru.....

think i betta let it go.....

'why'd you cut your hair?'

that has been the constant question of friends/family members, both near and far, in response to my new 'do.

i've smiled coyly, admittedly excited about the extra attention that a new hairdo sends your way and replied:

'cause i wanted something different. you know? new year...new YOU?"

for as long as most ppl have known me, i've had super-long hair. Save for a couple of insignificant trims here and there, along with straw sets for special occasions, i generally wore my hair in the same way all the time--rollerset every two to three weeks, and then a ponytail on the off-weeks.

i loved my long hair...for a myriad of reasons, but primarily because it was easy and because it was safe. i could SAFELY pull it back in a ponytail when i was too lazy to do it. i could SAFELY hide behind all of the 'ooooh, you hair is sooooo long and sooooo pretty' compliments. i could SAFELY hide behind this whole thing about my hair being my 'crowning glory,' without really knowing what that meant (other than thinking a silly boy might like me better with long hair, LOL).

but, as my hairstylist so eloquently admitted to me (and as my friends piggybacked off of)--it wasn't DOING ANYTHING for me.

i am a packrat. i hold onto stuff, memories, hurt feelings, pain, nostalgia....and obviously hair. cutting my hair represented ridding myself of my "look," of my comfort, of what i was used to. a shorter haircut draws more attention to my features and to my face...and presumably to me--the painfully shy Friendster who ducks and dodges attention. a shorter haircut forces me to no longer have a "safe" ponytail on Bad Hair Days--to get up, "do" my hair...and in turn, my makeup, my jewelry, clothes, etc.

a shorter haircut forces me to care.

and caring means--taking time for myself--to bring out the best me, physically and otherwise.

as cliche as it sounds, i felt free in cutting my hair. no, i didn't chop it ALL off and get a fade or go bald, but the inches that i did cut were a HUGE step for me. being afraid of how i would look going into it....but pleased beyond belief at how i looked afterwards!!!

New Year, New You is my personal campaign to unearth the parts of me that have laid dormant for so long, for so many reasons. whether it's a haircut, going back to school, writing a book, or putting myself in Financial Boot Camp, New Year, New You is all about being the best ME.

the "Amazing Me" that all that are around me see bubbling beneath the surface (and remind me of all the time)...but that i sometimes can't see through the cloud of a Comfortable, Complacency Rut that i've allowed myself to get into it.

i'm excited--can't you tell?

dial tone.....deaf

some of ya'll have been reading my blog-moir since the beginning (or darn near) and have closely followed the chronicles of my so-called life with sincere interest/concern/compassion. you've gotten to know me better (for some, prolly better than you might have wanted, lol) and hopefully, i've inspired you in some way through the sharing of my story and my thoughts.

well, today one of my loyal blog-readers/dear friends said to me that she felt as though the tone of my blogs had changed...at which point, i proceeded to try to crawl back into my little hole.

why?

because she was 100% right...but, silly me--i was hoping no one noticed.

i conducted an unscientific poll of some other of my loyal-blog readers and discovered that they shared her sentiment.

the tone of my blog had definitely changed and though they liked my writings of late, they MISSED the meat-and-potatoes of my blogs from before.

if i can be real for a second, i have been avoiding blogging about some of the heavy topics that i've been struggling with over the past few weeks--i've wanted to write about grief/death/dying, as i watched ppl close to me deal thru that in the form of lost loved ones & dead marriages. i've wanted to address my doubts and my questions regarding my faith and the call on my life (or so i thought) with respects to ministry. i've wanted to address my growing disenchantment with my job (you know, the sweet deal w/ the car and the home office--but a level of stress i have YET to experience on any level in a job)....and the sometimes unbearable overwhelmth (i made that word up) of raising a precocious, challenging toddler on my own.

i've wanted to address my commitment issues and how i've come to realize that i have them, while watching a friend plow through her own. i've wanted to address a feeling of disconnect and deafening silence that i've heard in response to my prayers.

i've wanted to address the REAL reasons behind my haircut and this transformation that i am taking myself through.

but, i haven't. because i thought i was being too "heavy" and too "much" for my readers.

and then i was reminded today that in changing the tone of my blog, i am not being myself (which is contrary to MANY posts that i have written since its inception).

that ppl have come to love, reflect, and be inspired by my struggles and my triumphs.

and that was the whole point when i started this--to be an instrument...and to also heal myself through the therapy of writing.

so though i will still ocassionally write a short 'funny-of-the day' about my issues at the drive-thru or my philosophy on teeny-bopper hip hop artists...

i think i'm gonna go back to my roots and get back to the MEAT of my memoirs.

i hope you don't mind :-)

thinkin of a Master Plan....

....includes making myself over for the New Year...so, I cut my hair last weekend. After much thought/trepidation/nausea/almost-tears....I let my beloved stylist work her magic, while my friend cheered me on via BB IM and Yahoo.....and here is the finished product!

I will say that after hanging on to my long hair for so long and for soooooooo many reasons (as well as having friends/hairstylist confess to me post-haircut that they HATED my hair long,lol)...I feel FREE.

i love my haircut, though it will take some getting used to me...and i love the way that i feel. there is an extra pep in my step and i'm excited about all of the finishing touches that i am putting in place for my New Year, New You project.....stay tuned......

stop whining, start hustling

PC has been under the weather these past couple days--fever, cough, presumably a sore throat (if she knew how to communicate 'sore throat'), and just an all-around yucky feeling. no fun for an adult, and double-no fun for a toddler.

as i was dispensing medicine, comforting cuddles, hugs, and kisses, i was reminded of a question that one of my childless friends asked me a while back: 'how does it feel to have someone completely dependent upon you for everything?'

at the time, i was pretty stumped at the question. sure, PC is dependent upon me for pretty much everything, but i hardly think about it because it is like second nature.

parenthood is one of those things that is supposed to make a formerly selfish person decidedly less selfish. i think i'm not alone when i say that we all can name examples of ppl--those we know personally and those we do not--where that theory didn't work and who are content in focusing on MeMyselfandI at the expense of the little person that they are charged with being a responsible steward over.

as cliche as it sounds, all of us that are caregivers--whether it is for children, our aging parents/family members, a beloved pet, or some combination of all three--are called to 'do what we gotta do' on a daily basis.

there is a little room for whining and NO room for excuses.

and your loved one's very life depends on the 'fruit of your hustle'--in good times and in bad.

so though being completely responsible for another person's care-and-keeping can seem almost overwhelming at times, it is necessary in this cycle of life where at some point, we will all need each other. as our parents age, they will come to depend on us--and as we age, we will come to depend on our children. such is the cycle of life.

and a blessed burden, indeed.

captain-save-a-WHO?

if i hear another "independent woman" ballad or rap song--written and performed by a man--imma SCREAM!

tonite, i was driving and i happened upon a song called "She Got Her Own." i couldn't catch the voice, so i made a mental note to Google it when i got home. i was shocked to find that it was by Ne-Yo. i don't consider myself to be a big Ne-Yo fan one way or the other, but he does have SOME decent material. this song--from melody to lyrical content to production sounded like the local teeny-bopper guy group from around-the-way performing at skating rinks and talent shows on the weekends--not what i would've expected from Ne-Yo.

but i digress.

without wasting precious blog space with all of the lyrics (i'll leave that to you to YouTube it), suffice it to say that it is yet another ode to women who have their own stuff--house, car, job, money, etc...and don't need/ask a man to provide any of those things for them.

ok, ummm..is that something to be celebrated? is that an anomaly?

or is it just ppl taking care of their business?

i don't have one woman in my circle--not ONE--whether acquaintance or close friend--who ISN'T independent. whether married/single/serious relationship, all of these women are financially, professionally, spiritually, and emotionally independent. no matter where they are on the income spectrum, they're taking care of themselves and their families, where applicable.

and none of them are looking for confetti and balloons...or a song.

for my male readers--please don't take this blog as an "i-dont-need-a-man" treastise. there is a difference between needing someone to do something for you (paying your bills, giving you an allowance, etc) and the natural human desire for companionship. there is also a difference between needing someone to financially support you and appreciating/looking forward to a dual-income situation where perhaps there is less financial burden and more opportunities to save/invest/make occassional nice material purchases or go on a nice vacation. and i think i can speak for all of my "independent women" friends that though we all are doing what we gotta do, we're not too hard or too proud to not welcome our partner's contributions in all areas of our lives and vice versa.

perhaps i'm naive....or maybe i've just been blessed with a great group of friends, which adds to the annoyance behind all of these songs. i am certain that there are women out there that are 150% golddiggers and looking for a man to bankroll every facet of their lives--i just don't know and/or hang with any!

so to all my I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T homegirls:

keep up the good--i mean, NORMAL--work ;-)

song cry

your resident Mushball got a little teary-eyed this evening.......i know, i know....what else is new?

my life is a neverending series of running here and running there: appts, traffic, deadlines, bathtimes, singing "The Hokey-Pokey" 10,000 times, and getting the sweetest (yet laced-with-toddler-morning-breath, lol) kisses from PC at the crack of dawn.

and this evening, for a brief few moments, i took some time to relax before beginning the hustle-and-bustle of the nightly routine.

PC was sleeping, having drifted off during our car ride home from school, napless after a long day of singing, dancing, playing...and bullying (another blog for another day). i flipped on the TV, sat down on the couch, and drew her sleeping body into my arms--she instinctively nuzzled into my chest.

i turned to Channel 11, hoping to catch the last few moments of Chicago Tonight. i did, and then happened on the next show, an episode of Great Performances featuring the mega-producer David Foster, and his most famous songs being performed by some of today's (and yesterday's) biggest artists. as i sat there watching Kenny G and Peter Cetera play old favorites from the 80s (the theme from Karate Kid...etc etc....search on wikipedia for more info), it brought back a flood of memories of my childhood.

i think i *heart* 80s and 90s music (of ALL genres) so much because it reminds me of my childhood. mine, like most everyone else's, wasn't perfect, but it was certainly a memorable one...a time before bills/worry/responsibility. a time to truly just be a kid.

and so, the memories flooded back today--thinking of my mom when she was my age (wow!) and i was in first-grade, thinking of spending time with my aunts who i thought were THEE coolest chicks ever, remembering spending time at my grandparents house--terrorizing my cousin-brother, eating good food, and watching cable on the floor model in the living room.

sososo many good memories....and similar memories that i hope to help make for PC.....

loving without limitation and cherishing every moment...every second...because we certainly know that the next is not promised.

nostalgia at its finest.

and using up all my dang Kleenex. :-)

the donut hole....of no return

today's smh (shaking my head) moment....

pull into the local Dunkin' Donuts drive-thru....cashier asks can she help me....i proceed to tell her that i want my usual: French Vanilla Latte, extra sugar and a bowtie. she says, "i'm sorry, we only have coffee, tea, and hot chocolate." i say, "isn't a latte coffee?" she says, "yes, but we don't have any bowties...." "ok, how about a pumpkin-glazed?" "nope."

soooo...ummm..."you don't have any donuts at all?"

no.

a Dunkin Donuts...with no donuts.

hrrrumph.

i wasn't as irritated by the absence of breakfast pastries as i was by the fact that i had 30-second too long exchange with this chick about the donuts and the definition of coffee...when, she could've just told me from jump that they were out of their bread-and-butter product. perhaps a sign could've been posted on the drive-thru menu. i don't know.

call me picky.

and hungry.

cause i still didn't get my dang donut, lol :-(

the invisible [wo]man

yesterday's Funny-of-the-Day happened in the parking lot of our local Toys R Us. me, PC, and my homie had gone there to try to catch some deals, and when we pulled into the shopping center, we were greeted by a bit of a crowd. it was manageable, however, but parking spots were at a premium. my friend spotted a park 2 or 3 spaces away from the door, but since i was boxed in by a car to my back and to my front, i couldn't back up, so she suggested that she'd hop out and stand in the space while i went around, a feat that would only take 1 minute at the most.

cool, right? well, by the time i made it back around and down the aisle, The Man was pulling up. he saw my friend standing in this spot, and me less than 10 feet away with my turn signal on. she tried to motion to him, in the most polite way possible that she was saving the spot and i was trying to get in, but he wouldn't budge. so a standoff ensued.

oh, by the way: The Man didn't ever look my friend in the eye the ENTIRE time that he sat there refusing to move, which was about 5 loooong minutes.

he eventually moved and i swung into the spot. we laughed about it off and on all day, and tied the incident into bigger issues of entitlement that all of us encounter, sometimes daily, from the Majority.

how many of us have had situations where we walk into a store and no one even speaks? or, we're standing in line, and someone cuts right in front of us, and then tries to act like they didn't even notice that we were standing there? the clerk that puts our change on the counter instead of in our hand? the list goes on and on......

and, in my experience and opinion, it is almost ALWAYS the Majority.

so, what now? we know that BO had scores of support from ALL races. but we also know that there are many ppl who claim to be "liberal" and "colorblind" but still wouldn't vote for a Black man...and then there are those who definitely AREN'T liberal and colorblind and didn't vote for him either.

many email fwds and jokes have been going around, jokingly telling Black folks how NOT to act, even tho BO won. and, the overarching theme is:

we AREN'T supposed to exercise any semblance of (false) entitlement.

this is not a free pass to just act a fool bc a brother is the President-Elect...and...well, because we can, lol.

and many of them expect us to do just that.

so, like my friend, we can stand our ground, keep our cool....

and give each other a head-nod and a wink after the fact.

no acting a fool necessary :-)

paying the cost...to be the boss.

as the year is coming to a close, i've been doing a lot of reflecting. i've gone through a lot of changes and transitions this year: job changes, parenting changes, friendship/relationship changes...and i've learned an awful lot about myself in the process. when you go into a new year, you never know what the year will bring, but you can always be sure that there will be many twists and turns to keep you on your toes. as i sat at home last new year's eve, having trudged home in heavy snow from service at church, i prayed that 2008 would be full of health and happiness, and that God would continue to be with me through both the triumphs and the challenges. i can confirm that He has been.

when i started this blog in August, i was in the process of evaluating my time and where i spend it. i had just started my new job and at that time, had NO idea how demanding and exhausting that it would ultimately turn out to be. i had decided to take a step back from my pink-and-green responsibilities to focus on some other activities. i began to make a conscious effort to take time for me and doing things that i enjoy--and so far, i think i've done a pretty good job at infusing [adult] fun into the sitcom that my life is on many days.

but, with everything there comes a cost.

a close friend and i have been talking through her frustrations and high stress levels in her role at her current job. she made the move to this job a year ago with the hopes that it would be a step onward and upward for her career advancement, and though she has gained a title and some more exposure--the costs of the job--on her personal time with her family and her sanity--have made her rethink if she made the right move.

in my current role, though i feel very, VERY blessed to have this position in an otherwise horrific economy (please don't get me wrong on that)...i am too weighing the costs on my personal time (separation of WORK and state does not happen often in my home, lol), and trying to figure out a way to balance it all.

ahh...the art of balance.

as a self-proclaimed busybody...i am ALWAYS on the go. whether it is running errands, going to meetings, attending church events, or simply hanging out with friends....my calendar is always chock-full of places-to-go and people-to-see. i enjoy being busy, not just for busyness' sake, but simply because each of these things that i am doing--i WANT to be doing...and those that i don't, i simply don't. i have graduated to not saying "yes" if i really want to say "no."

but, yet i find myself exhausted. and i look at the women around me, my homegirls: mothers/wives/girlfriends/career-women/sorors/volunteers/students, etc...

and there is a common theme:

we are all EXHAUSTED.

and though most of us have tried to simplify our lives as much as possible, i don't think that nirvana is ever reached in that area.

because, as one of my friends always says:

being a grownup is hard.

and, yet, we all wake up everyday (albeit off of very little sleep) and do it all over again--taking care of ourselves, our families, our extended families, and everyone else in between.

being EveryWoman to EveryBody.

but wearing ourselves out in the process.

i don't know what the solution is, and i have been brainstorming ways to capture that sweet, uninterrupted relaxation that always seems just out of our reach.

but, i pray that as we all continue to add item after item onto our neverending To-Do lists that we won't forget one important thing:

GET SOME REST.

why.not.me. ....or you.

for those of us who doubt ourselves from time to time...here's a quick 2 mins of inspiration:

http://www.thewhynotmemovie.com/

enjoy!

lovingly,
kmw

if you're happy and you know it..

one of PC's favorite songs serves as the title of today's blog. she never tires of me singing it to her and inserting any number of commands after --and you know it_______. the one she loves the most are "say AMEN!" "say I LOVE YOU" or "jump up and down." she gets such a kick out of doing those commands, and the biggest smile comes across her face when i sing it. along with it being one of her favorite songs, i've also learned that it almost always serves as a distraction/deterrent when PC is getting ready to or in the midst of a Toddler Meltdown.

this has been one heck of a week. i feel like i've been ducking-and-dodging stress-triggers all week, and, unfortunately, not so victoriously. the good news is: i know my triggers. the bad news is: sometimes i don't do the best job dodging the bullets.

today, i was talking with my mom, sharing with everything that had happened this week and towards the end of the conversation, we just both started rolling laughing. the situations in and of themselves weren't funny, but it's all about perspective. and my mom's commentary on it--"whatever"--her favorite word-- just made me bust out laughing. so simple, yet so profound.

i'm not "whatever" about anything....passionate about most things, opinionated about pretty much EVERYTHING. so, it should come as no surprise that i take most things to heart--positive and negative. a walking, talking Mushball of sorts.

a blessing and a curse, i think, because when i get down about something, if i don't nip it in the bud, it will fester and ultimately turn into the Over-Analysis Paralysis, which is the antithesis of self-reflection and not good for anyone involved.

so, i am learning, albeit slowly, to own my feelings--whatever they may be, and to recognize my triggers....

and to always remember to put on my bulletproof vest of childhood ditties, sidesplitting laughter, and acceptance of the things i cannot change, with the courage to change those things that i can.

in no way perfect in this area, but trying my best to get there....

lest we forget

last night i lost my Opera Virginity and i'm sooo excited about it! me and one of my good girlfriends went to see 'Margaret Garner' which is the operatic telling of the story of the slave who killed her children vs. allowing them to go into bondage. her story is what Toni Morrison wrote about in Beloved, and what the movie of the same name was about.

the director of the theater came out and gave a brief introduction of the opera, the history of it, and why he thought it was so important that it be performed, especially at this time. one of the reasons he stated was simple, yet so all-encompassing:

lest we forget.

though we stand at a crossroads of history right now, lest we forget that we are NOT that far removed from slavery, from segregation/Jim Crow laws, or from institutionalized racism. though the former have gone away (well, slavery still exists in some parts of the world, but the American concept of chattel slavery has been abolished), the latter still remains and much work still needs to be done to eradicate that completely. hearts must be changed.

as i watched Margaret's story last night, i alternated between anger and awe. i am one of those black folks that watches slavery movies or even more modern day "do-the-right-thing"-esque films and gets RED HOT, so imagine what it's like to watch it in live action! it also makes me think about--what the HECK would i have done had that been me?? would i have killed my own child so that she wouldn't have to be enslaved, violated, and beaten?? how much i take for granted on a daily basis--sitting where i want in a restaurant, or a train/bus, drinking from whatever water fountain i want, swimming in whatever pool i want, working in a white-male dominated field and being successful.

lest we forget.

there are many black folks (and folks of other persuasions, for that matter) that think we need to just "move on." that those days are over, and that slavery is a thing of the past. segregation is a thing of the past. we need to get over it.

really?

no one tells Jewish ppl to "forget" the Holocaust and they don't. our Jewish brothers and sisters are very cognizant of their tragic past, and spend a lot of time, energy, money, and other resources to educate themselves and future generations about the lessons of the Holocaust so that it might never happen again.

so, just because we've seemingly "arrived," why should we be expected to forget where we came from?

the Holocaust was geographically removed from us. it didn't happen on American soil, and its legacies, though painful, are hardly ingrained into the fabric of this country.

living in America, no matter how much the Land of Opportunity it may be, we are still confronted with the legacies of slavery/racism on a daily basis, no matter how covert they may be.

my fear is that since Brother BO has been elected, certain folks (of-color persuasion and others) will implore upon us that this is an indication that all of the "race questions" have been answered and we truly are in a so-called "post-racial" society. not so much. though BO's election is definitely an example of GREAT progress, we still must not rest on our laurels.

we've come this far by faith.

and we must never forget.

LOVING vicariously

being surrounded by a 24/7 mush-fest/Love Hangover sucks sometimes. ALL of my close friends...and when i say all, i mean ALL....are either married/dating someone seriously. i am the Lone Ranger: the one who rarely dates (not by choice) and on the ocassions that i do, i either have GREAT dates that ultimately materialize into Abysses of Nothingness....or Hell Dates that were better off not occuring at all.

so, it's hard not to have that "left out feeling", a feeling cloaked in a blanket of simultaneous bittersweet admiration/excitement/happiness for my friends....and bummed-out feelings about my own situation.

i'm human....and definitely not boy-crazy, but desirous of something other than just being Mommy all the time...and frustrated with not seeing the fruit of all of the strides that i've made with respects to my approach to love (Trivial Pursuit notwithstanding).

i wonder if ppl who are struggling with infertility look at my motherhood and feel that same bittersweetness. but, i think that the comparison doesn't exactly fit because infertility isn't a choice and even with all of the medical marvels...sometimes our bodies just don't do operate in the way that we should.

singleness...with no prospect on the horizon...even after you've opened up/pursued a variety of methods to meet ppl/let go of some preconceived notions/worked on becoming a better you/etc etc...done ALL the things you're so-called "supposed to do".......

naw, that's a choice. it seems to be a hand that's been dealt.

and perhaps one that i should get used to.

i'm not much of a gambler...but the odds on this one aren't looking good for the Home Team.

so, i soak up what's around me.....the giddyness of my friend's new relationships....the comforting warmth of marriage, even with its ups and downs....

and return my cards to the Dealer...and leave the casino floor.

you have the right to remain silent

....or do you???
--

so a couple of days ago, i was talking to my friend and fellow blogger (http://thelifeandtimesofsunshine.blogspot.com) about her desire to start a mentoring program..how she had been putting it off for a few years, but was finally going to start pulling the pieces together for the framework of her vision. we talk often about our upbringings, in particular our incredibly complex relationships with our mothers and how that has shaped who we are as women and as parents. we talk about what we wish someone had said to us way back when, and what we will say to our own kids. we also both agree how impactful the interest, encouragement, and love of a person can be on another person--in particular a young person--who may otherwise have had all of life's cards stacked against them. each one, teach one/paying it forward are both values that we strongly believe in, and try to practice in our everyday lives.

which sparked my thoughts and brings me to today's blog....

as we all relish in the moment that has certainly changed the course of history, we must say to ourselves--"ok, now what?" BO was able to win both the Popular and Electoral vote, foundationally, by running a grassroots campaign. knocking on doors, talking to ppl where they were, phone-banking, connecting with ppl on a one-on-one level through his 700 satellite offices. Those $7M+ votes that clobbered McC came not from fancy ads on television, six-figure suits, or nasty judgementalism. it came from a campaign of humility, compassion, empathy, and practicality.

what if we modeled our lives in that way and were "grassroots" in our approach? what if we took the time to reach out to a young person...or an older person....around us, that society has left behind? truth be told, ALL of us have made it through something: teen pregnancy, dysfunctional families, mental illness, sexual assault, financial ruin, drug/alcohol addiction, abusive relationships, being raised in the so-called "hood", etc...the list goes on and on. the truth also be told, many of us made it through these things not only with the help of God, but also with the help of His angels--ppl that shared their stories with us, embraced us, and encouraged us that we too could make it. let us not have 'made it' so far, that we lose sight of how we got to where we are in the first place.

as some of you reading this post know, i have a heart for young girls, specifically those in the pre-teen/teen bracket. i recently started working with our female Rites of Passage ministry at our church called Intonjane('coming into womanhood'), and i love it! as a teen girl who feels in many ways that she was 'left behind,' it is my goal to prevent that from happening, atleast to one girl. i want to reach out, mentor, and educate who i call "the Dunkin Donuts Girls"--the teenage girls i see everyday in the DD by PC's school: loud, FOUL-mouthed, angry, and obviously hurting--lacking guidance and wisdom about the ppl--the LADIES--that they were created to be.

maybe working with young ppl isn't your thing, but you most certainly have a "thing"--some way you can nurture/shape/encourage others. i challenge each of you to not let Pres BO feel the complete weight of the world of his shoulders. even after he is sworn in on the 20th of January, our inner-city communities will be still be in peril, our boys will still be under attack, our girls will still be lacking self-esteem, and the love of God will still need to be invoked for healing.

now that it's after the morning after....what will YOU do?

afterglow

i am officially 100% a convert. after a long, political season, i felt my heart softening throughout the day yesterday towards the magnitude of the choices and the consequences of those choices to move this country forward. i could barely contain the lump in my throat that pretty much stayed put all day as i literally watched history being made: first, with the sheer numbers of voter turnout, many of which were first time voters...and secondly, when the returns starting pouring in and it became more and more apparent that our next President would be B.O.

President-Elect Barack Obama. it feels weird and good, all at the same time, falling from my lips.

i cried real tears last night--tears of victory, of joy, of thanksgiving. i cried when i spoke to my grandmother who lived through overt racism firsthand and who always instilled in me that i could be anything....ANYTHING...that i put my mind to. i cried as i watched PC sleeping on the couch--she won't understand what has happened until she is much older, but, in her lifetime, a Black president has been elected in a country where a scant 200+ years ago, we were considered 3/5ths of a human being.

and tho i don't have a son, i cried for all of my friend's sons and every little black boy (particularly those who are without fathers in the home) who can now look up to Barack Obama--a man whose father left him early in his life, but who was surrounded by a village that gave him the love and the encouragement that got him to this point.

Yes you can, be President, JJ. Yes you can, EE. Yes you can, K C-P. Yes you can, AR.

YES YOU CAN.

the debt

being the crybaby that i am, even in the midst of my conflicted political leanings, i still recognize this moment and this day for what it is. driving on the South Side this morning to drop off PC, i passed a polling place, and my eyes instantly-welled up with tears. OUR PEOPLE ya'll, many of whom prolly never voted before today, were standing in a (very) long line, waiting to vote. young, old, middle-class, working-class, homeboys from around the way, single moms just trying to make it.....all just waiting patiently for their God-given right to participate in the electoral process.

no matter the outcome, history has been made simply by ppl just showing up. they are predicting 80% voter turnout in IL--80%?!!! the likes of that haven't been seen since the early 70s, i'm told.

my friend and i have been talking about how proud her dearly-departed grandmother would be if she were here to witness this. i think about my great-grandmother who has also passed on...i also think about my maternal and paternal grandmothers who are still living, voted absentee, and are just chilling, waiting for their man Barack to win it all! never in their lifetimes did they think this day would come when a black man would even be an option...and yet here it is.

i passed an elderly lady as i was walking into the polling place. she was by herself, pushing a walker, with her Obama '08 button on her sweater, and a smile on her face. she moved slowly, carefully, but also victoriously.

we have much to be thankful for...our ancestors fought the good fight...and now, maybe, we will win the race!

the lesser of two evils

so tomorrow is Election Day, and, if i can be so brutally honest, i will be G-L-A-D when it's over. not because i have already begun labeling someone--in speech and in print--as President So-and-So, but moreso because i am overloaded and weary of this whole campaign and the drama that has ensued and both my mind and my heart are like: Awright Awready!

my lack of fervor about this Presidential campaign has been an open secret that i've not really purposely kept from ppl, but also not shared openly unless asked. being someone who was always politically-minded/informed, majored in Public Admin in undergrad with hopes of working in the public sector and "saving the world!" (or atleast my little slice of it), my current lack of fire about it all has shocked even me.

my emotions have run the gamut throughout this campaign cycle. as most ppl who know me well, they know i am not a 'bandwagon' person--i don't participate in fashion 'trends' and instead buy pieces that will last for many seasons to come. i don't go ga-ga over many mainstream mega-stars (with the exception of Rhi-Rhi), and instead prefer to relish those that fly beneath the overrated/undertalented radar. this Presidential campaign has been no different. when it was between B.O. and HRC right before the primaries, i wasn't an automatic supporter just because he--B.O.--was who he was and that it was expected of me because of who i am. no. i decided to forego groupthink and really take the time to research the candidates and the issues...and i still remained conflicted as i sat in the voting booth.

it didnt help that both my now-retired Pastor and my beloved church were run through the ringer by the media in the spring of this year. the reputation of the man who led our church for 36 years along with the very essence of the church itself -- how it has impacted the community and shaped the world-- were tarnished by pundits and outsiders who never took the time to even sit down in our church and worship God--instead, they brought their camera phones, notepads, and concealed mini-tape recorders, hoping for the next big soundbite to try to run us even further into the ground.

and my heart broke then--and is still not completely healed--from B.O.'s ultimate denouncement of our former Pastor, and his departure from formal, active membership at the place where he married M.O. and both of his girls were baptized...where he, in fact, met Christ and was saved.

my beef isn't just with B.O. JMcC has his own share of issues that we won't even waste text-space on, the biggest of them being S.P. his lack of real, authentic concern about the least of these in society is what troubles me the most, as he rakes in his (wife's) million$ and Americans continue to lose jobs, retirement income, homes, and healthcare (if they ever had any to begin with).

for all of McCain's issues, there are a couple of things that i agree with him on--

*i am pro-life; i am certainly not protesting outside of abortion clinics trying to vilify hurting women who are in the midst of a complex & very painful decision...but, i also believe in the sanctity of life at conception (even moreso now that i am a mother)--and the responsibility of individuals to use sex for what it was intended for--within the confines of marriage...and, if they can't/won't, to exercise due caution in the form of birth control.

*i don't support re-defining marriage as between two ppl of the same sex. call me old-fashioned/closeminded/what have you, but i just don't agree. now, does that mean that i am standing on the corner with signs calling ppl the F word and telling them they are going to Hell? no. i don't believe in guilting ppl into anything, and scare tactics in the name of evangelism fail miserably every time--anotha blog for anotha day.

now, that's where my similarities with McC begin and end...but, it's not enough for me to feel 100% comfy voting for him, because those are 2 issues in a sea of 10,000 issues that affect me, those that i love, and those i have never met.

so, i stand here, less than 12 hrs before the polls in IL open, conflicted. conflicted about voting my conscience on sooo many levels that stretch wayyyyyy beyond gay rights, abortion, or TUCC. conflicted about the bombardment of B.O. assumptive-support propaganda that i have received throughout this entire campaign--i dunno if it was b/c i am Af-Am and folks just assumed i was involved in his campaign or what...but it came from somewhere because i have never announced my support for one candidate or another.

i stand conflicted because we are at a crossroads in history where, someone who looks like US could actually be the leader of the free world....but will NOT be the Savior of the World, as many (black) ppl have subconciously framed him.

i stand here having listened to a radio show where ppl were asked on the street why they were voting for B.O over McC; with the interviewer inserting McC talking points in his questioning, proving that these individuals, as they nodded and gave resounding "yes, that's why i'm voting for him!" had never once taken the time to really research the issues.

groupthink.

i stand here not saying that B.O. or McC are "evil" in the literal sense of the word, but that the choice for me is going to have to be give-and-take, covering my eyes/ears to certain things that i don't necessarily agree with on either side, in order to vote for the Greater Good...whatever that is.

i close today's blog feeling like a Political Blaspheme in the eyes of some, but not ashamed of my analytical nature and refusal to subscribe to the status quo, even with the words of Angela Davis and the ghosts of the Black Panthers haunting my thoughts and propelling me forward to be as quietly militant as i can be (power to the ppl, lol!)...

and to ROCK the vote....because the blood of my ancestors ran in the streets so that i could have that privilege.

may the best...or better...man win.

it takes a village

there are lots of parenting "guides" that have been written to assist parents in raising toddlers, but they pale in comparison to the Real Deal, in the flesh, ocassional knock-down, drag-out...umm...EVENT...that it is to raise a 2 yr old. my dear PC, bless her lil heart, just turned 2 and she is quite the little personality. goofball mixed with spice mixed with fierce independence, with a hint of "mommy, don't you go too far away!", you can imagine that we have a lot of fun....and a lot of challenges as well.

hanging out at a friend's house last night, PC threw a tantrum when she was told that she couldn't run through the house. she was extra-excited over Tay-Tay the Pug and alternated between giggle-fits and shrieks as she ran circles around a little puppy, who with the look of boredom on his face, could've cared less that this HumanChild was trying to play with him. in fact, if pugs could talk, i'm sure he would've said "and WHEN are you going home again?"

after being told for the 10,000 time to stop running/screaming/acting a fool, i threw up my hands in frustration. TeeTee intervened and consequently Ms. PC had a 15 minute sit-down-on-the-bed-and-chill-out crying fit, after which she emerged quiet, walking slowly, and with smiles, kisses, and hugs (gentle ones) for Tay-Tay and for her TeeTee.

that incident got me to thinking how thankful i am for my village and for the moms who have gone before me. these Mommyfriends help me along the way with suggestions, advice, an ear, a shoulder to cry on, and the most-coveted ocassional BREAK from Mommyhood. they've been there/done that/got the T-shirt with many of the issues that i struggle with everyday. from my friend whose son has food allergies and helped me to understand and find the right allergist when it turned out my PC had food allergies as well.....to my friend who was a single mom for many years before recently getting married--and hasn't forgotten where she came from....my friend whose son is almost on the brink of high school and she ain't THINKIN BOUT birthin' no more babies, but offered to do potty-training "Booty Camp" for PC....to my friend who recently told me that she struggled with (and overcame) Post-Partum depression and begged/commanded me to get my butt in counseling (no, i'm not depressed, but we ALL could use a little therapy)....

and everyone in between, including those of my friends who are not yet "moms" but have acted in that surrogate role and cared for PC like their own (shout out to my homies in StL and DC, among others).

i don't have any blood relatives here, but i do have many, many "chosen" family members who have embraced PC and i like a sister/niece and who i have no doubt love us like blood. they've been integral parts of this journey thus far, and i feel extremely blessed for their friendship and for their assistance along the way.

it truly does indeed take a village, and we are surrounded by some of the BEST that IL/DC/TX/FL/OH/MO/GA have to offer!!

the 7-year itch

in about 2 hours, it will be October 31st....October 31st is the official deadline that 1 of my well-meaning friends has suggested (imposed) upon me to ummm.....drink some prune juice and let some STUFF go. this "stuff" is these feelings that i haven't been able to shake...these feelings that have been just beneath the surface for over 7 years, many times forgotten...until they are unexpectedly stirred, bubble to the surface, and inevitably contribute to a crash-and-burn of my emotions, pride, and, if i let it, my self-esteem.

if you'll remember, i wrote a blog a while back called 'trivial pursuit' which detailed my decision to stop the song-and-dance of unrequited love, to recognize my OWN dang-on shine, and to remedy my own feelings of thirst the RIGHT way. so, i posted that blog and walked away, triumphant, my Angela Davis fist in the air, knowing that the Love Revolution had now been bloggerized...and i was moving on and OKAY with moving on.

well, i think that i wrote too soon. because, in fact, i WASNT ready to be over it/move on/drink some water, etc.... and that unreadiness reared its ugly head, kicking and screaming, as i continued to interact w/ Trivial Pursuit disingenously, forced to swallow my feelings, watch my every word so as not to offend, and defend my love for him as being something other than a motive for something shady or sinister.

and yet, it wasn't enough.

so, tomorrow, on October 31st, i am finally prepared to close that chapter in my life. in all honesty, the path already began a few weeks ago with a lump-in-the-throat convo that i had with him telling him that i could no longer "fake the funk." i said i needed to take a step back....truly there was a part of me that thought that he would feel the impact of the loss of our closeness and would reach out....but he hasn't.... and when he did, it was only a dry, impersonal response to a text i sent a week ago....a response that could've just as easily been sent to a faraway business associate as it could to the person--me-- who he called one of his "closest friends".

the writing...or shall i say the TEXTING was on the wall with that one....silence speaks volumes...

and so i write today, a woman who has been in love with a man for 7 years....a man that doesn't and hasn't ever loved her in the same way....and has openly said that he never will.

7 years. wow.

i've had other relationships, loved other people without barrier....yet always felt that with others there was always something missing....and with him--it ALL made sense....or so i thought.

but, it seems it only made sense to me.

so the rose-colored glasses come off, the sleep gets rubbed off my eyes...and i am able to see clearly now.

and i step, ever so carefully, into the next phase of my life, preparing my heart for the one who will feel for AND about me the way that i do about him-- without constraint....without having to "think about it"...without weighing other options , leaving me always being the first to get rejected and the last to know.

prune juice never tasted so good.....

numb

heartbroken.
saddened.
confused.
angry.
helpless.
grief-stricken.
tired.
empathetic (as a mother).
sympathetic.
prayerful.
vigilant.
contemplative.

wishing...for the swift return of Christ, to heal this sick, dying, hurting world.

Jennifer: one of Chicago's Finest....a success story, a talent unparalleled, and a person whose beautiful spirit shines through her smile.

She and her family didn't deserve this horror...no one deserves this.

This world is getting worse and worse, by the hour and by the day.

Lord, have mercy on us all.

if it don't make dollars, then it don't make sense

my friend and i were talking yesterday and i broke out in sidesplitting laughter when she dusted off that oldie-but-goodie that i've heisted for my blog title today. we were talking about wasting time (in her case, it was tied to dating the wrong type of dude), and how some things are just purpose-LESS from the get-go. i started thinking about this issue of time. ever since i started my new gig, i've been wishin'/hopin'/prayin' for an extra hour to be added onto my day. with so much activity cramped into each day, another 60 mins would do my body good. i could sleep...or eat....or catch up on my reality shows....or blog....or_____.... precious Me-Time that gets lost in the shuffle of day-to-day hustle and bustle. since it appears that my prayer request isn't gonna be answered anytime soon (yes, sometimes He does indeed say NO, lol), i've got to work with what i got.

time is fleeting....as i've aged a bit and matured, i've started to think about my own mortality. being "grown" causes you to think about this thing called Life--what you've done with it thus far, and what you will do with it going forward. if you've had children, you watch how fast they grow up and you wonder where the time went. you watch your parents and grandparents age and come to depend on you more. you notice how the seasons fly by, birthday milestones seeming to come faster and faster, each year a blur as you blow your horn and sing Auld Lang Syne to welcome the new one.

i started to think about intangible things that i (we) waste our time on--being mad, being depressed, being bitter, being angry, complaining. none of us do those things ALL the time, but some of us do (some of) those things a little too much. a friend of mine spoke the truth in love to me a couple of weeks ago. she told me that she felt that it seemed like i was chronically pessimistic--that i wrote all of those great blogs, spent a lot of time encouraging other folks, but wasn't practicing it for myself. i appreciated her sentiment and did some serious introspection about it, and i found that i WAS spending too much time being down...i WAS pouring out encouragement on other folks but not encouraging/believing it for myself (whole 'nother blog topic)....and, not only was it bringing me down (and concerning those around me)...,.it was a WASTE of TIME.

why?

it's ok to experience and express the range of human emotion, including the negative, but it is NOT ok to dwell there.

and since i can't get an additional hour, i'd rather spend the 24 that i have being full of joy! laughing at the mishaps, expressing gratitude for the unexpected, appreciating the lessons in the painful circumstances, and fastening my seatbelt for the bumpy rides.

time well spent....with a priceless ROI.

a Dream deferred

i talked to an old friend today. we hadn't spoken in a little bit over a year, but she had been weighing heavy on my mind for about a month, and i had an intensely vivid dream--that i remembered in detail, which i hardly ever do--that starred her, her [now ex] fiance, and some of our friends. i decided to reach out and call her, to say hello, to catch up, to check-in...as i don't take for granted those inklings on the inside, tugging at your spirit.

we talked for quite a while...i found out that the engagement that she had wished and hoped to happen, had happened...and then had fallen apart....that she'd walked away from a long term relationship with the man that she thought would be her husband...that she'd woken up one day and decided that she wasn't where she was supposed to be....and tho bruised, battered, and still hurting...

she was ok.

she talked about the Dream--the dream of getting married, living happily ever after...and how difficult it was to walk away from that Dream...even when you knew that what was presented before you wasn't all it was cracked up to be.....

so, what happens to a Dream deferred? what happens when all that you've worked so hard to maintain crumbles before your very eyes? where your future...or atleast what you thought it would be...is altered seemingly overnight?

what happens when you wake up?

well, in my friend's case--when she woke up--she found courage. courage to listen to her heart and that still small voice that was telling her that it was time to get up and get out.....courage to look herself in the mirror and say--'i've got some stuff in ME that i need to work on--part and parcel of anyone else.'

courage to go against the grain, to not worry about "saving face" for the naysayers.

the funny thing about this issue of dreams is that Langston Hughes used the word 'deferred' instead of 'denied.' Deferred by its very nature, implies that it has only been halted temporarily... that is, that it will eventually come to pass. perhaps it will not come to pass in the way that YOU think it is supposed to, but it WILL come to pass.

i dreamt about my friend's bridal shower--laughter, gifts, good food, good friends...not knowing that her wedding had already been called off. now, i don't claim to be a psychic or anything like that, but perhaps my dream was just that--a foretelling of what is to be...but just cannot be...

not right now, anyway.

but,

[maybe] later.....

reminding me that--with the issues of our hearts' desires:

He always has the last word...

station break

to: Faithful Blog Readers

from: His Daughter

re: Missing Blogs

Dear Loyal Blog Followers:

His Daughter has been sporadically posting to her beloved blog due to a cluttered mind (information overload from the new job), workworkwork, and general fatigue. the inspiration has been sputtering, so pray for a sista that her mind would be cleared and that i would continue to find meaning in the everyday things, in order that i might share my thoughts with you.

More to come,
His Daughter

read the fine print

i spent a LOT of time in the car today, driving to far northern IL, back to the near southwest suburbs, further south to the far South Side, and then back West to the homestead. mid-afternoon precipitation coupled with neverending orange barrels. stretched the commuting time longer than i'd like to remember. but, the Traffic Cloud ALWAYS has a silver-lining because it provides space for me to do one of my favorite pasttimes, one which i've visted in this blog before--car thinking.

i started thinking about the topic of lack-of- grace--tied into judgement--tied into labeling--tied into hardened hearts--tied into people write offs....and doing some self-reflection. ok, so i know that probably doesn't make a lot of sense and the threads probably don't seem like they tie, but let me explain.

i am one of those [rare] people that doesnt see the world thru black-and-white, and through life experience and spiritual discernment (thanks be to God), i also don't see ppl in black-and-white either. nothing happens in a vacuum, and most things that ppl do/issues that they are going thru stem back to something else...something deeper that many of us, no matter how [dis] connected we are with the person--may understand. i was only able to get to that level of understanding once i myself came to terms with the root cause of many of the issues that used to plague me: low self-esteem, insecurity, unforgiveness, etc--and dealt with them. i am so blessed and thankful to have that understanding and also to have the memory of the hard road that it took to get there.

i thought about the issue of judgement...something that i myself have been guilty of, and still am from time to time, guilty of (and get convicted of by the HS). i thought about how my frustration and/or anger about or towards a circumstance or an individual have caused me sometimes to judge them/ it, to label them/it, and to ultimately write them/it off. i thought about how harshly i've been judged by others along the way. and i also thought about how harshly i have judged MYSELF.

i was listening to a radio show today and a Marian Priest was being interviewed. he was a former drug/sex addict and had lived that lifestyle for over 20 years until an encounter with God--in rehab--caused a spiritual conversion in his life. he committed his life to the Lord and ultimately to full-time Christian vocation as a priest. all his life he had been labeled:

drug addict.
whoremonger.
ex-con.
child of hedonistic parents.
crazy hippie.

yet God had SOO much more for him to do. and it took 20+ years, and the conversion of his own parents two years earlier than his own, for him to see the light. and now he travels the country telling his story in the hopes of inspiring others that they too can be set free and live a life of love and service to God.

this man was labeled. judged. and probably still, even as an ordained Priest, deals with doubts about his qualifications to spread the Gospel. but who better to serve as an example of the redemption of JC than someone who is likened to a modern-day Paul!!

as i've stated before and will continue to say--all of us are daily fighting some sort of battle--some that we may share and some that we may be too embarassed or ashamed to share even with those that are closest to us. some of us are yet fighting battles that we don't even know are there! the labels we attach to ourselves, to others--and that others attach to us--can cause a great deal of harm, if we allow them to.

i thank God for memory, and i pray daily that i never get to the point where i think that i've gotten it all figured out, and i forget where i came from. i thank Him for grace and for saving my butt more times that i can count, and for someone praying for me along the way that i didnt even know.

and, when i get ready to stick a label or someone or something, i ask that He always remind me to...

..read the fine print.

coulda, shoulda, woulda

a couple of weeks ago, i posed this question to a listserv that i'm a member of, asking respondents to fill in the blank: "if i had it do all over again, i would've_______." the response was overwhelming, more than 50 ppl responded, many writing very heart-wrenching and personal stories about situations in their lives that they would've handled differently if given the second chance.

almost all of the responses centered around the following three topics:

• relationships. (specifically, with men, as this is a female-only listserv).
• education/career aspirations.
• finances.

one of the first emails that i got blew me away in its simplicity, yet profundity (and personal application to a situation that i blogged about prior in 'trivial pursuit'):

"if i had to do it all over again, i would've never told him how i really felt about him."

ouch....and AMEN, sista! as you can see, i was really feeling her on that one...and co-signing as well.

tho i posed the question, i hadn't really thought about it in relationship to myself. just like pretty much everyone else, i have many regrets, but as i've gotten older (and wiser), i've learned to put them in perspective. my bff and i crack up all the time trading stories of our days running the streets, up to no good, acting less than who were made to be. sure, it seemed all good, in the name of "fun" at the time, but when the fun was over, and the hearts and minds were changed, there were some scars that needed to be healed. but, after the sting has gone away, it is a blessing to look back with side-splitting laughter, saying to ourselves, what the HECK was i thinking??

i also started thinking about some things that i had made my mind up about, stubbornly saying that THIS is the way it is and that's final, crossinig my arms and stomping my feet all the while, while not paying attention to the writing on the wall. praying and begging God to have it MY way, when all along He was saying no, not because He was trying to withhold something from me (cruel and unusual punishment, i call it), but because He and only He knew what was best for me....and what was in store that would surely exceed all of my expectations and surprise me--the one-who-is-impossible-to-surprise.

i thought about how had i done some small things differently-- if i'd never gotten that first credit card, if i would've went to grad school directly after college instead of not giving up on my job search, not applied for a position in Chicago and held out for something in Cincinnati, went straight home instead of making a detour on the day i got pregnant....the list goes on and on.......when all of those choices were made, i never knew the ripple effect that they would have later on, and the life-changing lessons that they would bring.

but, nope..no matter how challenging some things have been at times...i wouldn't do a do-over even if i could.

because i am a walking testimony that God will use even our worst decisions and turn them around for our good.....and will heal the wounds and replace the bitterness with laughter.

that He will continue to surprise us, showing us, as Lauryn said, "what you need ironically, will turn out what you want to be....if you just let it...."

a wise woman once said, "forgiveness is letting go of the hope that the past could have been different."

cheers to letting go...moving on....

and burying the coulda, shoulda, woulda....

Father knows best.

accentuate the positive

as i've mentioned in a previous post, i spend a LOT of time in the car. whether it's driving too and from client appointments, carpooling, or just the mundane errands, many hours are spent behind the wheel on these wonderful Chicagoland expressways. i appreciate the mornings because i love to get my cry-inducing holler on listening to Steve Harvey and his antics, but the afternoons are not that great. having not purchased any new music lately (i REALLY need to invest in sattelite radio!), i've been bored in that arena as well. so, scanning the AM stations last week looking for some decent talk radio, i came across Relevant Radio, a Catholic-based talk radio station and my new homeboy Drew Mariotti who has a show during the afternoons when i am driving to pick up PC.

all this week, they've been talking about the topic of angels and how God uses angels to protect us, guide us, and to walk with us. many ppl were calling into the show sharing their stories about encounters with angels, and he even had an expert on the show who is an "angel expert" and offered up a lot of theological commentary (backed with Scripture) about the importance of angels in fulfilling God's work on earth--i was enlightened! i have always believed in angels--not only as protection and guidance, but also to teach us things. i thought about this last night as i had an encounter with an "angel" who in a 2 hr conversation, reminded me (once again) about what matters most.

a sorority sister of mine that i have never met called me last night to make arrangements to pick up some gently-used baby items that i am giving away. she responded to a posting that i made on a listserv, and we had been emailing back and forth for a couple of weeks, and she called last nite to make concrete plans. when she called, it was about 15 mins into the debate, and though i am dead-tired of all of the political hullabaloo and want Election Day to come and go as quickly as possible, i made plans to watch. when the phone rang, i figured it would be short and sweet. needless to say, it ended up being a 2+hr convo, and i didn't see much of the debate. but i ain't even mad.

why? because i entertained an angel unaware.

this Soror and i go to the same church, so we exchanged stories about that, as well as family, kids, career, sorority-stuff, etc. and, in the midst of talking, she told me that she was a FOUR time cancer survivor. yes, you read that right---FOUR times she's been diagnosed (and re-diagnosed) with ovarian and cervical cancer--gone thru radiation and chemo--and beaten it.

and, she's only in her mid-30s, having suffered through her first bout as an undergraduate.

as i listened to her tell me her story, including the fact that she just finished a most recent round of chemo this past February and is due for another checkup in a few months, she did it with grace, laughter, and a wicked sense of humor! she talked about losing her hair, looking for wigs, and how it has grown back longer and thicker than it ever was. she spoke about the wonderful doctors she's had and how her Sorors and friends carried her through her treatments, including when she was in undergrad and was hundreds of miles away from home. she laughed as she talked about how some doctors told her that she was "foolish" to pray for recovery and that she would never have children, and how her current doctor prides himself on being able to "help" his cancer-survivor patients conceive. i was listening to the conversation in awe, thinking to myself "wow! i don't know if i could do it!"

when i decided to make a choice to have PC and continue living here, in a city where i had no [blood] familial support, ppl said to me "i don't know how you do it!" and tho it's not easy and there are many times when the thought crosses my mind to move, there are many more reasons why i stay. and i am living proof that it can be done, thru God's help and with support of wonderful "chosen" family. as i listened to Chatty Patty's story last nite i thought to myself "i don't know if i could do it!" and it put a lot of things into perspective for me, hence why i say she was an angel, sent to remind me of what really matters.

everyone you meet is fighting some sort of battle/bearing some sort of cross--whether it's family issues, health, finance, spiritual, relational, whatever--we're all dealing thru something. we have good days and not-so-good days, but our responses to these issues can have a profound effect on how we come out on the other end, even if the end isn't perfect. there is a quote that speaks about being kinder than we think is necessary to ppl, because everyone is fighting some sort of battle. i've seen that topic expounded in with respects to blowing the horn at someone who doesn't realize the light turned has green. do we ever stop think why that person may have been distracted? what bit of news that they received that day? what hell they might be going home to? we just never know...

so my challenge for myself and for my readers is that we continue to grow into ppl that accentuate the positive--ppl that look for the silver lining in every situation. of course, it is easier said than done, especially when life, with all of its queer twists and turns, has us spiraling into a place of stress, sadness, anxiety, or frustration. always remember, somewhere somebody has it worse than you do, atleast from the perspective of what you can handle. i believe that the crosses we are given to bear are those that He has determined that we can handle, if we'll just lean on and trust Him.

now, go dust off those wings and be an angel to someone you meet along the way!

don't talk, just listen

hi, how are?
good, you?
fine.
good.

how many times a day do we have the exchange with someone? with friends, coworkers, spouses, even the grocery store clerk. and, how many times are we actually HONEST about how we're doing? if we're having a great day, we're very quick to tell that....but, if something is troubling us, are we more apt to tell the truth or instead answer with the requisite "fine?"

i was in an airport a few weeks ago, browsing throught the bookstore and semi-eavesdropping on a [loud] conversation that one of the customers was having with the cashier. he was going on and on about some family problems that he was having, how he had been put out of his house, etc. it was obvious that these two individuals did not know each other by the distracted/disconnected look on the cashier's face, and his sideways glances towards me. i also was certain that they didnt know each other because i just seen Storyteller in the gift shop 10 mins earlier, recounting the same story to the cashier in there, who snickered to herself and another customer after he walked out.

now, without knowing Storyteller's mental health condition (or the lack thereof), i made an assumption that this exchange between he and the cashier (albeit, one-sided) probably was prompted by one question:

"how are you today?"

and, perhaps Storyteller was honest and began to pour out how he was REALLY feeling...to a complete stranger.

now, i am not suggesting that when we're having a bad day that we start recounting our life story and all of our dirty laundry to the mailman, the bank teller, and the girl in the McDonald's drive-thru...but, what i am suggesting is asking yourself--when you say you're just fine, are you? when someone tells you that they're fine yet you can sense that there's something they're not saying, do you probe further? is your spirit such that of, as one of my friends describes it, "a heart with ears" so that a person might feel compelled to want to share with you when they're feeling less-than-fine?

we all have our good days and our not-so-good days. i know that for me, if someone asks me how i'm doing (someone close to me), if i'm having a not-so-good day i still may say "fine." not because i'm lying, but moreso because i may still be trying to process thru whatever it is that i am facing, and might not be in the right place to say it ( sometimes, without bursting into tears). or sometimes, if i do want to talk about it, that might be ALL i want to do is talk/vent, which is sometimes a challenge when you have a LOT of solutions-oriented friends whose natural tendency (similar to my own) is to give advice. maybe Jodeci had it right in the first line of one of their dusties--"don't talk, just listen"--clearly, that is all many of us sometimes want and need.

i close today with a poem that i found when i was in college. in dealing with a difficult boyfriend who very much resembled a brick-wall when it came to communication, i stumbled across this poem which conveyed all that i needed to say at that time.


Please, Just Listen

When I ask you to listen to me and your start giving me advice,
you have not done what I asked.
When I ask you to listen to me and you begin to tell me
why I shouldn't feel that way,
you are trampling on my feelings.
When I ask you to listen to me and you feel you must
do something to solve my problem,
you have failed me, strange as that may seem.
Listen!

All I asked was that you listen -- not talk or do -- just hear.
(Advice is cheap: 504 will get you
both "Dear Abby" and Billy Graham
in the same newspaper.)

And I can do for myself; I am not helpless.
Maybe discouraged and faltering, but not helpless.
When you do something for me that I can and
need to do for myself,
you contribute to my fear and inadequacy.

But, when you accept, as a simple fact, that I do feel
-- no matter how irrationally --
then I can quit trying to convince you and get about
the business of understanding
what's behind this irrational feeling.

And when that's clear, the answers are obvious and
I don't need advice.
Irrational feelings make sense when we understand
what's behind them

So, p l e a s e, just listen and hear me.
And, if you want to talk, wait a minute for your turn, and
I'll listen to you!

clean out your ears, thereby opening your heart.

can you hear me now?

cry me a river

when the last time you had a good cry? i mean a REALLY good cry? body-wracking, shoulder-shuddering sobs....with noise? can you remember? if you can--good. if you can't, that concerns me.

i'm a crybaby--and proud of it! i'm not ashamed to cry and i will do it--when sad, when angry, when overjoyed, when touched. the sting of forthcoming tears behind my eyelids doesn't bother me, and i've even gotten to the space where i don't mind the "ugly cry"-the one where my hair gets all in my face and my ends start to get frizzy from the moisture, where pieces of hastily applied Kleenex cling to my cheeks, my nose is running, and I am gasping for air at the mere energy that is expelled to weep.

now, don't confuse my message here--i'm not some sadist/masochist who gets pleasure from pain--and more often then not, tears are the byproduct of some sort of pain. but, what i do know is that crying, to me anyway, provides a sense of release. tho i may not feel 100% better about whatever it is that caused me to cry, once the session is over i almost always feel lighter. once the tears have stopped, the noise has quieted, and i am able to open my eyes, the burden seems slightly lighter, even if just for a little while.

i am convinced that uncried tears and bottled-up emotions causes ppl to break. men are taught not to cry--that it makes them "less than a man"--and i know many women who won't cry, especially in front of their children, because they have to "keep it all other"--or atleast appear that way. i stopped shielding my tears a long time ago from PC. she and i live alone, and there are times when i need to just have a good cry and there's nowhere else to go--when something is troubling me, someone has made me upset, or when i'm upset at myself. i have tried many times, unsuccessfully to hold it in because i thought i might be "damaging her" by showing my emotions. but, i stopped. because, growing up in a family where outward displays of emotion were not encouraged has challenged me as an adult to embrace my tears and be okay about crying them. i want for PC to feel that same way, as she matures away from the crying that she does now which is borne more out of not getting her way and/or not being able to communicate clearly--to the crying that she will do as a young person and adult to express those things that words cannot say. so, i do cry in front of her every now and then...and, in her infinite Toddler Wisdom, she always knows just the right thing to do, which is generally pat my back with a smile of pure angelic innocence--you see, they are much smarter than we give them credit for.

the Woman with the Alabaster box washed Jesus' feet with her tears. tears of adoration, of love, of joy, of sweet release. she didn't care what she looked like, sounded like, or what others thought of her. and, as they cleansed Him, they were also cleansing for her wounded spirit.

are you in need of a good, cleansing cry? have you been holding back those tears because of keeping up those outward appearances? because of embarassment? because of false expectations of masculinity or strength? i challenge you to throw those notions out of the window, and allow yourself that release. find a good friend that you can cry with--that can embrace you, listen, and comfort.


i'm no doctor, but my personal experience makes this diagnosis clear: it's better out than in.

so, let it out.

*here's a Kleenex.

grateful

i've been fighting some Blogger's Block this last week. between the demands of my new job and general fatigue, my mind and spirit haven't been as clear enough for the topics to flow as easily as they had been....

so, tonite, as i was thinking about what to post, i kept thinking about gratitude. everywhere you turn these days--whether it's the TV news, the internet, the newspaper--the outlook is bleak. ppl are losing jobs left and right, homes are being seized by the bank, retirement savings are going down the tubes. middle-class families are on-par with those living on the poverty line, barely able to put gas in the car, food on the table, and clothes on their children's backs. Millions of Americans don't have adequate healthcare, and violence is claiming our children and other innocent bystanders in the street. i'm sure that i will get some unpopular backlash on this one, but, in November we will, in my opinion, have to choose the lesser of two evils to run this country and try to get us out of this mess. and, like it or not, racial lines are still drawn in this country whether you live in a big city or in rural Appalachia, and it's gonna show.

as someone who works in the financial services industry, i worry about my OWN job security, as even tho our CEO tells us that everything is fine...you just never know.

things are pretty bad right now.

BUT GOD.

i am reminded tonite to be grateful for what i DO know and what i CAN see:

• my family is healthy.
• PC is thriving.
• i am surrounded, near and far, by amazing friends.
• TODAY, i have a job.
• i have a comfortable roof over my head and something to eat as many times a day as i want.
• i can go to the doctor when i need to, and take PC when she needs to go without worrying about how i'll pay for it.
• i can see, hear, breathe, walk, and talk on my own.
• even in the midst of my busyness with life, daily He gives me opportunity to serve Him by serving and loving others.

i don't mean to come across as preachy. myself included, we all get into our ruts where we wanna complain about this or about that...where we take for granted the very basic things that we somehow think will always be there. i can speak for myself in that EVERY time i have complained about anything, big or small, in the past couple of weeks, i have felt convicted--every single time. i know that is an area that i need to work on and i am taking steps to do so.

with everything that is going on, it is natural to have anxiety. i have friends who work for companies whose numbers are steadily sliding downward daily--and they go into an office where the morale is terrible. i have friends whose companies are in the middle of acquisitions and they don't know how their job will shake out when all is said and done. i have friends who worked for major corporations--multi-BILLION dollar entities--only to have it bought out and be handed a pink slip and a box to pack up their desks. i have friends who work for the companies that have been in the news--AIG, Countrywide, etc--who have mortgages to pay and children to feed and clothe, while layoffs loom and/or have already happened.

i know single moms with ARMs who have seen their payments balloon $200+ and not quite sure how they're gonna make it work. stay-at-home moms whose husbands work in investment banking and who aren't seeing the income that they need to support the household. friends who are teachers in districts where enrollment is down, classes are being consolidated, and as housing pricing fall, so do property taxes and school funding.

ordinary ppl who are just trying to make it, take care of their kids, and live some sense of normalcy.

and that "normalcy"--that [false?] sense of security has been snatched away.

and so, we all, in our own way, ride this wave out.....try to remain positive....stay focused that there will be brighter days...and trust Him to provide.

and continue to maintain an attitude of gratitude for what we DO have....which is certainly not promised.

be encouraged.